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My husband beats our dog...and I am not happy ..
February 7, 2006
3:19 pm
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Birdie
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I am in a bad situation. I am very confused.....went to my psychiatrist today told them the situation (as they were unaware)Got new meds for anxiety.

I have done nothing but talk talk talk to my husband regarding the situation and how I feel.

Good news is that he has not touched the dog and my father is home more than ever since I told him what happened between my husband and I. I've been sleeping separate from him. I have a lot of pressure on me...because right now I don't have a real job (I have a major interview in March) for residency teaching....I am preparing for it by volunteering at a Level V school twice a week. And I work with my dad the rest of the week.

The dog is supervised by me or my father 90% of the time.

Husband claims he doesn't have a place to go and he really wants to work on our marraige. He cried the other day in church when I decided not to take communion with him or at all.

He says he will do what ever it takes to change (anger management, marraige counseling,and church counseling). I hate to say this but I believe him. I know I am going to incure the wrath for writing that. But in a way, it doesn't seem fair for me not to give the marraige 'one last chance' before I finally decide to get a divorce. He knows I don't feel the same toward him....I don't know what is going to happen. I am going to my therapist tonight. Hopefully I will get more direction from that. I want to pray, but I feel like God won't listen to me. I feel like such a sinner...

I hit and shoved my husband like five times before he snapped on me when he was hitting the dog. So I feel equally responsible for the whole thing. I just can't get past the dog issue.

My father let him know that he knows, so things have settled down. I have lost a significant amount of weight in the last three weeks due to stress---can't seem to eat. My father told me that my husband should have never hit me no matter how bad I was (He is old school). He is watching me and my husband like a hawk and have no doubt he would throw my husband out the door physically if anything happened to me or the dog again.

Another aspect is the fact that I unfortionatly depend on my husband's insurance and his salery for me to even go to my drs until I get a job. In the past this wasn't an issue because I independent and had my own job and insurance. Hopefully in March I will get the residency and I will have more options in regard to the separation/divorce.

February 7, 2006
3:58 pm
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You are not equally responsible for the whole thing!

And it's understandable that you love him and want to believe him.

I really wish you could have a look at that book I mentioned, "Why Does he DO That?" because it debunks a lot of myths about abuse and abusers.

There are times when it's good to give someone the benefit of the doubt, and times when it isn't. But you have to work through your own process and come to your own decision. No one here or anywhere else is doing you a favour by telling you what you SHOULD do. But you deserve support to help figure it out.

It sounds like you are in a relatively safe situation for the moment, so I hope you will take this time not to be lulled into false hopes, but to get more info and resources and clear your own mind.

Good luck. Thanks for posting again and letting us know what's happening.

February 7, 2006
4:08 pm
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dalpuz
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doesn't have a place to live....the street sounds likea great place.

he's crying....point him to the nearest river so nobody slips.

independence is a wonderful thing, the only dependence you need to supply is to the dog.

Sorry for being blunt, get rid of the jerk.

I wish ..........oh forget it you all know how i feel about this stuff.

February 7, 2006
4:12 pm
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Birdie
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dear kroika-

I am going to look at the book you mentioned. And I also read another post "I wished I had read this sooner" printed out the info part of the post and marked red on everything that matched my husband's current behavior to try to gadge the situation I am in. I am going to show it to my therapist--FYI--I marked-out the website address in black marker on my printouts to keep confidentiality. Thanks

February 7, 2006
5:40 pm
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whidbey
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"I hit and shoved my husband like five times before he snapped on me when he was hitting the dog. So I feel equally responsible for the whole thing. I just can't get past the dog issue."

STOP right there, Birdie! NEVER, NEVER say you are responsible for someone else's violence. You were only doing what was natural, protecting an innocent creature. Please, honey, for your sake, don't ever utter those words again or even think them. You were defending, HE was attacking, first the dog, then you.

It sounds like you are taking some positive steps. If it were me, (not telling you what to do), but I would leave the house and let him work on his issues and then PROVE that he's changed over time. When you are living IN the situation, it's too easy for him to fall back into prior behavior, because, well, he simply doesn't have to, because you've stayed. Please take care of yourself and your pup. I'm glad to hear you dad is keeping a close eye. That makes me feel better. šŸ™‚

February 10, 2006
5:04 pm
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Birdie
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Well-

His birthday is tommorrow. Last night we had an argument...told him I am not sure I want to work things out and he started saying that he can't believe that I have changed in a matter of days toward him. He thinks my therapist is to blame for me changing, however, and this should be interesting, we are going to see her on Valentines Day.... Hopefully, I can make it until then.

Thoughts and prayers please.

February 10, 2006
8:41 pm
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Anonymous
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Please find a better home for your pet! That is all I have to say.....The dog doesn't deserve it and it's not fair to the animal.

February 10, 2006
9:53 pm
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kathygy
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birdie,

"My father told me that my husband should have never hit me no matter how bad I was (He is old school)"

This is not 'old school'!!! No matter what you do or say your husband has zero right to be abusive to you!

It sounds like you are in fantasyland just because your husband cries or says he'll change.

He may not be able to change without very intensive one on one therapy.

Of course he's saying that becuase he wants to stay with you but that doesn't make it true.

I would not trust this man for a second no matter what he says or promises. He will kick your dog again, that is a given because he will not be able to control himself.

But you don't want to accept the reality that your husband is a deeply wounded man and can not change regardless of what he says without a great deal of help.

Are you going to wait until your dog is kicked to death and you are brutally attacked by your husband before you take care of yourself and your dog? Your dog is counting on you to protect him because he is too vulnerable to attacks by your husband.

Wake up before its too late!

February 10, 2006
10:06 pm
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Kathy,

I would like to recommend that you also read the book I have mentioned to Birdie, called "Why Does He DO That" etc. The author points out that a woman in an abusive situation needs support to make her own decisions.

I find that the last few sentences in your message are not supportive. It is putting a guilt trip on Birdie to suggest that if she doesn't make her decision RIGHT NOW, her dog will be kicked to death, not to mention that you believe she will be brutally attacked.

Also to imply that she is not awake to what her situation is. She is awake, that's why she's posting to this forum and looking for help.

All of us may feel horror and urgency when someone writes in with such a problem. But to really be HELPFUL, let's try to avoid dumping that on the person who is reaching out.

Birdie, I'll be thinking of you getting through the birthday and Valentine's Day. Let me know if you read that book, and if you find it helpful. Take care.

February 10, 2006
10:09 pm
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BoneT
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I wish somehow I could help. If your husband the dog beater knows how to read please let him read this . I will let him use his fist only on my dog pretty boy floyd. After PRETTY BOY FLOYD gets done eating his hands we can have a benefit for your husbands hands to be reattached the remaining money we can donate to his favorite dog charity BOW WOW. How about it buddy RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

February 11, 2006
5:48 pm
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hocuspocus
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Birdie,
I dont understand why he would even want to beat the dog. I bet your dog is one of your best companions. My husband has never hurt my dog, but he knows how much I enjoy them, so he makes rude comments about them and always says things like he is going to leave the gate open , just to upset me. I have horses too that I board and he wont even allow me to talk about them because he knows how much I enjoy them. He has never done anything to my animals, but he knows he upsets me because of it.

February 11, 2006
6:08 pm
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Birdie
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Hocus Pocus

He told me he doesn't even know why he beat the dog in the past (he has not done it since three weeks ago). He says he doesn't enjoy it...I have no idea. But it looks like he is going to leave the house this weekend comming up. We talked about the separation and counseling arraingements. Luckly he stated that he will continue to pay my health insurence, car insurence....Still confused, but trying to do the right thing for me for once....

February 11, 2006
7:24 pm
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gazelle
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Could it be that he feels powerless, Birdie? I know it sounds totally silly, but sometimes men feel impotent in life (not sexually!) and desperately need to assert themselves & acquire some sense of autherity. If they feels low, unacknowledged, a 'nothing', some emotionally-uneducated men may feel that at least gaining 'control' over animals (& people they perceive as 'weaker') gives them the feeling of power they lack.

I know it is a cruel & inappropriate way to get his psychological needs met ... but many, many men don't understand themselves in sufficient depth to realise that this is what they are doing.

I believe he does need therapy. He needs to analyse & address what his unmet needs & frustrations are, and discover how he can best address & fulfill them, imho.

Best of luck to you! Blessings & love - gazelle.

February 11, 2006
10:24 pm
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BoneT
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Pretty Boy Floyd waiting for an answer. Big boy how bout it ? I'm 10 years old 80 pounds of pure unadulterated muscle and I can use the excercise. I dont like woman beaters or dog beaters I forgot to ask what kind of dog are you beating a toy poodle? LETS GET READY TO RUMBLE**>> PRETTY BOY FLOYD FROM N.Y.C. BONE T's Protector.

February 12, 2006
12:39 pm
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Birdie
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Is it normal for a man to ask where I am serveral times when he knows we are both in the house. Right now we are snowbound. Thankfully he went off to church and I stayed back. He got angry with me because I don't want to seem to be with him - near him in the house. For example--these all happened today. I went down stairs to do laundry and feed the dog. He comes down stairs and says What are you doing? Later I am in the bathroom for a while and he knocks and asks what are you doing? Then I am in the kitchen stirring my coffee and damn if he didn't say what are you doing (kind of angraly) Earlier this morning I went outside with the dog to take pictures of the snow in the yard with the dog---and he got mad about that. I told him that I am not arguing today--that we will discuss these things in counseling and I don't want to fight. He said he didn't want to argue either. Then, a neighbor came by to shovel our driveway and his attitude completely changed and he said he was sorry for being irritable and kissed me on the face several times. This is just something that looks like it will get worse over time....everytime I think things are good with us something happens that makes my gut wrench. My husband got upset with me the last night because I told him that I am going to spend the night with my sis in law to be and my brother. I said that I had to help her with wedding details (thats a front because she knows what is going on) My husband got angry and said I was leaving him alone in the house at night and that I am not respecting him or our house. I said the house is an object and doesn't have feelings. He pushed the issue and said he wanted to come with me and see my brother (he doesn't want my brother to know about our trouble--he is a big guy). Only my sister in law knows, my dad knows. In addition he got upset with me because I am trying to make new (platonic) girlfriends in the area via internet services. Right now it seems our relationship is like a see-saw its good then its bad...etc....He is really upset that I am not being intimate with him, but I just can't right now....and he knows that and thinks I am punishing him. He continually tells me he is horney ---I know he is ....sorry ....I can't help him right now. Not until we get therapy and closure over his current and past behavior.

February 12, 2006
12:45 pm
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Birdie
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I forgot to mention that when I leave Monday, the dog is comming with me. AND, the reason I am trying to get some friends is cause I don't really have any -just moved to the area and feeling Very isolated.

February 12, 2006
7:43 pm
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Birdie,

It's great that you are refusing to be isolated! Making new friends and keeping in touch with your family are really good things to do. I think your husband's reaction shows that he has deep problems and feels entitled to try and cut you off from your support system. I think you are being amazingly strong and hope you will keep it up!

I will be very interested to hear the outcome of the counselling session on Valentine's Day.

Oh, and about your question "is it normal..." I think you already know what you think about that, right? But it helps to write about it here, so keep on sharing and keeping yourself sane.

Glad you had a nice time with the dog in the snow šŸ™‚

February 12, 2006
9:43 pm
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whidbey
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No, Birdie, it's NOT normal. He is basically stalking you in your own home. Furthermore, cutting you off from any support system is typical abusive behavior. And the kissie stuff in front of other people? Typical too. I'm so glad you are getting yourself to a safe place. That is what you are doing on Monday, right?

February 12, 2006
9:55 pm
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BoneT
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YO Birdie , I dont get it you say your husband went to church today . did he tell the priest that he is a dog beater, a horny dog beater at that. DOG is GOD spelled backwards. I think maybe if your man gave your dog a little tongue action he could get to like him or her a little better.I hoope you get some help real soon take care Bone T

February 13, 2006
7:56 am
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Birdie
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Krioka-

You have really encouraged me. Just wanted to thank you. This morning I realized that my husband went upstairs and slept on the couch...said he couldn't sleep. He didn't kiss me goodbye,,,just said have a good day. I think the reality of the imminent separation (which has now been changed to V. Day) is sinking in and I am beginning to doubt myself and the fact that I feel like I am ruining his life ....maybe my life...I don't know. For me separation is to get a clearer since of mind and to try to work things out...for him is spells disaster...Truely I don't know what I want at this point. I just know that I feel an immense since of guilt because afterall I am not a saint and have not been easy to live with (I have PTSD and depression). Maybe I don't deserve to be in a good relationship or I just seem to skrew them all up. Onr thing is clear to me as day and that is the fact that I don't love myself and that right there isn't fair to anyone I am in a romantic relationship with. God this is harder than I thought...my heart is breaking but to him I seem like a cold-hearted B. Tonight I am going to my brother's....V. Day I have the therapy session..I am hoping that he will be more able to understand why a serparation would be helpful at this time (my therapist is bi-lingual)...My husband and I have a bit of a communication gap.... All in all I think I we both love each other but are not a good fit--at least right now. Well, I have to go to work now---the kids will cheer me up I think....Please pray for me to make the right decisions and for Peace....Love Birdy

February 13, 2006
8:01 am
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Birdie
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Bone T-

My husband did go to his priest yesterday and he said he told him that he hit the dog and I. I went to the priest in deparation about four months ago (and I m not even Catholic) to try to get free help...We actually have an appt with him on Thursday....The priest knows what is going on. No, I am sure my husband didn't tell him he has the "hots" for me. But your message mad me laugh...Thank you.

February 13, 2006
9:25 am
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jastypes
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I wanted to address the question of is it normal for someone to keep asking where you are when you're in the same house. My husband does that too sometimes. I usually answer him, but sometimes I don't even bother. The truth is that when I am feeling annoyed and bothered by him, whatever he says tends to annoy and bother me -- even "Honey, what are you doing?" We discussed this in therapy, and it seems quite normal that because we have all this underlying "stuff" that needs to be worked out, right now EVERYTHING Mark says irritates me. My counselor gave me "permission" to be irritated, and I appreciated that. But I also recognize that if there wasn't all this underlying crap, Mark's simple comments probably wouldn't bother me at all.

February 13, 2006
1:13 pm
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butterflybaby
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Birdie,

I just wanted to let you know that you really need to stay strong though all of this. Probably your best bet would be to get out on your own for a little bit and take the dog with you. I was in a similar situation in my past. My ex husband and I had two dogs and they were my babies. When he would get mad at them or me or anything he would throw things at them or kick them. I did my best to protect them. He eventually turned the abuse on me. The last straw was when his mom found out about him hitting me and she helped me to leave with the dogs. The funny things is that I couldn't do it myself. I actually just laid on the kitchen table and let him strangle me. I look back on it now in shock like why didn't I fight back..but it was like I wasn't the same person I am now. I had no confidence and fealt I deserved it.

Please just be careful. I have been in your situation and abusers don't change easily at all. I ended up leaving my ex getting divorced and completely starting my life over.

You can do it too...you deserve better....you deserve a person that wouldn't ever consider doing something like that. Just think what if you bring children into this situation...you wouldn't want that for them...that is what also helped me stay away once I left. I would never want my children to go through that.

February 13, 2006
1:47 pm
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kathygy
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kroika,

I did not hear Birdie saying she needs your protection. I did not hear Birdie say she felt guilty because of what I said.

If she has feelings about my posts to her then I will happily respond to her. I do not have to explain myself to you.

And I do not appreciate you telling me to read that book.

February 13, 2006
2:06 pm
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kathygy
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I am not interested in a third party conversation.

I think it is inappropriate for you to speak for birdie or to try to tell me what she needs.

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