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My husband beats our dog...and I am not happy ..
February 3, 2006
12:32 pm
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Birdie
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Hello,

I am new here. My situation is that I have been married for about a year, but some things have happened that have really made me question whether I want to be married to this man or not.

I think that last straw with me was that my husband beats the dog really badly. One time he hit him with his shoe on his snout and head. I was mortified and in shock. That was the worst incident. The other times (I guess it was about 5/6 times before) he would hit the dog when the dog wouldn't listen to him. I had begged him not to hit my dog, and he always says he is sorry and then justifies what he did by saying that he is trying to "train" him. The situation came to a head about two weekends ago when the dog went outside of our fence and my husband chased our dog and kicked him...I was afraid...and ended up chasing after my husband so he wouldn't beat the dog. It doesn't matter how much I screamed, he didn't stop...so I did something I never did before and hit my husband to get him off the dog...and he kicked me and hit me back...I tried to leave but he wouldn't let me. I already have depression so its hard for me to come down from a situation like that. Later on he said he was sorry....but I should not have touched him (seriously I am not a violent person)...but I just couldn't watch the dog yelp anymore.

I am going to a therapist. I am seriously considering getting a divorce because I haven't really been happy since we have been married. He is also pushing me to have a kid next year-but I really can't do it. I am in the process of a career change and we both live with my father right now. He has a job, but it doesn't pay well. He is quite controlling--I think it may be cultural. I am white/native american and he is from South America.

When I married him I thought I knew him (we were friends for 3 years); I thought he was really patient and nice, because he was hired to take care of my grandmother who is now deceased. I had no idea what I was getting myself into and now I am sobering up and realizing that this relationship isn't going to work. I don't know how to break this news to him. I am scared because he has a bad temper.

February 3, 2006
12:40 pm
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CAMER
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(((hugs to you)))) and your dog...he is abusing both the dog and you, and you shouldn't let him get away with it....i would run....fast.....may i ask...how did he treat your dog b4 you got married???? and if this is how he treats animals its shows alot of his character....and for him to hit you after you hit him.....2 wrongs don't make a right.

Is there a place or friends you can stay with, cuz it sounds like there are alot of anger issues within your hubby, and you could get seriously hurt by him & the dog too.

February 3, 2006
12:52 pm
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sofia20542
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Birdie, I am so sorry. You MUST get away immediately. A person who can hurt something so defenseless and innocent like a dog has deep-rooted anger issues and is a violent and repulsive human being from whom you must escape. Things will get worse if you don't. Imagine how you would feel if something really bad happened to your poor dog? He will likely being abusing you too if you don't leave. Please leave and take your dog with you. I had a boyfriend who once pulled my dog really hard and another time I came home and he had put him outside because he had been bad, but it was raining and my poor dog was shaking. I was so angry and broke up with him. We got back together, things got worse, he hit my dog twice, not kicks or anything but I love my dog more than anything and I felt so terrible for having forgiven him the other times. He moved out the next week and it was the best I could have done. He called me repeatedly after he left, pretty much stalked me and threatened me physically. He had very bad anger issues and has had a lot of problems in his life because of them.

Please please don't let this abuse continue. Leave this jerk immediately even if it's hard. Nothing can be worse than seeing somebody hurting and mistreating your cute little puppy.

Love and many hugs,

Sofia.

February 3, 2006
12:56 pm
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whidbey
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Dear God... Get out and GET OUT NOW!! A year isn't that long in the grand scheme of things. Count yourself LUCKY you've found this out now. Leave, immediately!!

February 3, 2006
1:00 pm
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be_a_screen
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I agree with CAMER. It was only a matter of time where he goes from the dog to you. Safety sounds like your first consideration - get out of there and don't let him know where you are. Can you have him leave for awhile and stay with someone else? Will your father be safe?

Having a child with someone like this allows him to tie you down and to him, where he has more power to manipulate and control using the childs needs.

If you have a tendency toward depression - it will be very important to you to invest only in things that are good for your mental health and are reciprocated without manipulation.

Sometimes when you think you know someone and then they turn out to be something else - it can be that he only showed you what he wanted you to see to hook you, you weren't able to see him as he is because you didn't know him in many situations. These are very painful situations - I hope you are able to get the support of a counselor through this and depending how depression gets - medication. Support systems will be important.

You are right to see this as a RED FLAG!

February 3, 2006
1:07 pm
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Birdie
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I told my huband that when he hits the dog it hurts me inside. I told him that the dog (he is about 2 yrs old) is going to act like a dog ya know look for food on the floor or lick up the crumbs. I also told him if we had kids (which I am not going to do with him) that his anger could hurt them. Apparently his father was an alcoholic who beat my husband and his mother in his country.

I also witnessed my father and mother fight as a child. I can understand, but I don't hit the dog. He is defensless (eventhough he is 120 lbs and scary looking) He is a doberman/german shepard mix. Really good with small children. Little dogs at the park scare my dog. The dog won't go near my husband anymore. I haven't told my father for fear of what he would do to my husband. Because its basically my father's dog.

The situation is very complicated. But I have been thinking that I need to separate and get a divorce because I am not happy. My husband kind of scared me anyway before this situation happened. He always seemed to give me a hard time when I didn't fold the laundry his way and he even got jeolous of a gay male friend I invited to Thanksgiving dinner with my family. He doesn't support me or encourage me. For example, I told him that I wanted to go to the public pool once a week (its like $4) so I could relax. And he said no. That he needs to send money to his family in his country. We got into a heated argument, its like that almost every day. And I can't take it anymore. My dad really likes him, but knows that I am not happy. I never thought I would get a divorce (because of my religious beliefs) but it looks like thats what is going to happen. I feel guilty because I know that if I divorce him, he will be deported most likely. And his family will hate me for it. I don't want that to happen, but that is a real consequence when I decide to break it off.

February 3, 2006
1:11 pm
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CAMER
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the sooner the better...for your sake and the poor helpless dogs sake....keep us posted!!!

love, camer

February 3, 2006
1:26 pm
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be_a_screen
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Empathy for him is dangerous to you right now. No one understands you or what is happening between the two of you - they want you to stay in a circle that's working for them. It may be hard to swallow that others are angry at you because they can't control change and you want a change. You deserve to be happy and to change things that are inhibiting that.

February 3, 2006
1:49 pm
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kathygy
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if your husband get deported it is his own doing by being abusive to you and the poor, innocent dog.

What your husband does to your dog is violent. He could also turn that violence on to you.

You are not responsible for what happens to your husband after you leave him. He is responsible for putting himself in that situation.

February 3, 2006
2:08 pm
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Birdie
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Right now the thing that is hard for me to do is decide how and when I ask him to move out.

The thing is his b. day is in a week and so is Valentines Day....I already got him the gifts. Part of me wants to wait until March and the other part of me wants to get this over with....I tend to be impulisive ..hence thats the reason I am in this situation in the first place. What a hard lesson to learn! It literally makes me sick to my stomach to think about how I am going to do this.

February 3, 2006
2:23 pm
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Birdie
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I should have mentioned that he does have a place to go. His brother's...I guess I can at the very least get separated for now and figure out the divorce crap.

February 3, 2006
2:23 pm
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CAMER
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birdie....think about you, this time...not him...cuz you can make up any excuses, and i am saying this in a nice way..well yeah, his birthday, then valentines day, then in March "spring begins", then in April
baseball season starts....etc...there can be so many reasons why you cannot do this now, but the more you stay, and the longer you stay the more he can manipulate you, and make you feel bad for what you are doing.

My bf now, he is divorced, and his ex wife gave him divorce papers on his birthday.....what a shock to him, maybe she had it pre planned, but it does happen!!!! back to you now, why not do it this weekend, just get away and tell him how you feel, and don't listen to his cry's for making up, etc and changing, you know how you feel, your instincts are coming out on this one......go by what your head is saying and not your heart.

((good luck)))

February 3, 2006
2:29 pm
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Birdie
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Its weird. He is nicer to me now that I have backed off/withdrawn myself from him the last couple days.

Anyway, thanks for your advice. Coincidently, my birthday is the first day of Spring.

February 3, 2006
2:47 pm
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garfield9547
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Birdie

Like Camer said its only a matter of time before he goes from beating the dog to beating you.

You said this

My husband kind of scared me anyway before this situation happened. He always seemed to give me a hard time when I didn't fold the laundry his way

Let WHidbey tell you about the way you fold the laundry girl!!!!!

You have to get out. There is more to this man than kicking the dog.

Garfield

February 3, 2006
3:17 pm
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kathygy
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birdie,

if you are not going to protect yourself think about your poor dog. Do you want him/her to suffer one more beating or kicking?

the heck with his b day and the heck with valentines day. isn't your dog and your safety more important than that?

February 3, 2006
3:52 pm
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"He is nicer to me now that I have backed off/withdrawn myself from him the last couple days."

birdie, this is classic behaviour of an abuser. There is always a "honeymoon" after a blowup... and there will be another blowup.

I recommend very highly a book I read recently that turned on a few lightbulbs for me. "Why Does He DO That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. If you can find this book at the library, or buy a copy, you would get a lot of support and information that I think you would find helpful.

One piece of info I picked up from a couple of books I read, is that experienced counsellors consider abuse of animals to be a very red flag that an abuser will not reform. It's HIS problem and you can't fix it. Trust your deep feelings of revulsion that this treatment of the dog brings up in you.

You will make your own decision in your own time. Please consider calling a women's shelter for in-person support.

Take good care of you.

February 3, 2006
4:29 pm
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eve
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Make sure that you are safe, when you tell him that you want to separate. Tell somebody where you are, and what you plan to do, and that you will call at a certain time. Make sure that if you don't call, that somebody will show up and make sure that you are ok.

Be safe

February 3, 2006
5:14 pm
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jastypes
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This thread is interesting, as my husband seems to like to abuse MY dog, while treating his like a King. I, too, have told him that it hurts my feelings. As he was ignoring those feelings, I brought it up in our marriage counseling sessions. Now he is quite aware of exactly how and why I feel. And if it happens again (it was constant, and hasn't happened since the therapy session where it was discussed), I will pull him out of the room, and calmly tell him, "This is the behavior we discussed in the therapist's office. This is an example of how I do not want to be treated."
Our marriage hinges right now on my husband being able to continue to show respect to me, because he knows I am serious about divorce if he does not. Perhaps you should let your husband know that you are considering separation or divorce because of his angry behavior toward the dog.

February 3, 2006
5:29 pm
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sofia20542
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Birdie,

You cannot make excuses like waiting because of Valentine's day or his birthday. As to whether he'll get deported, he may not get deported. I am a lawyer and several of my clients have been left or have left their immigrant spouses and they do not get deported. He will not get his papers through you, that's for sure, but he won't get deported if you divorce. My boyfriend's ex wife was abusive and he is not deported and is currently getting his papers in a different way. Please do not stay with this sexist pig. Not letting you go to the public pool??? Why do you even ask this jerk?! Please leave immediately. He sounds really mean and dangerous. Also, do tell your father! Let's see how brave he acts when confronted by another male, rather than a dog, who is too noble to bite him, or a woman who lacks the physical strength.

Best luck and courage!!

Sofia.

February 3, 2006
5:32 pm
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sofia20542
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I completely agree with Kathy. I don't think you'll be able to forgive yourself if he hurts your poor dog again. His safety is more important than staying a few extra months with this horrible person. YOu know deep down that in the long run, you cannot stay with him. You want and deserve better. So, please leave him now and protect your doggie from him.

Sofia.

February 3, 2006
5:34 pm
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sofia20542
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Yes, true: abuse of animals does mean that he will not change. What kind of human being is capable of abusing a loyal and adorable creature like a dog?

February 3, 2006
6:24 pm
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whidbey
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"and he kicked me and hit me back...I tried to leave but he wouldn't let me."

Honey, there's no "you will be next," he has ALREADY crossed that line with you. You were only doing what any self-respecting human being would do to protect a child, an animal, whatever. Do NOT wait for a holiday to pass. You know what? Gifts can be returned or donated to a good charity. Most of all, be charitable to YOURSELF and get yourself out of there and safe. If he wants to go to therapy on his own after that, then fine. Good for him. Right now, he's a stick of dynamite waiting to blow up. Take it from someone who has been there, it will only get worse from here on out. Be safe, sweetie, and go home to your dad's place for a while. Yes, it will hurt, but not as much as if you stay.

February 3, 2006
7:05 pm
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whidbey
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Oh, and laundry? Sweetie, that's where the control issues start, let me tell you what. It just goes down hill from there...

February 3, 2006
7:25 pm
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bonni
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Birdie & Jastypes,
Please protect your dogs. If you can't leave him, at least get the dogs out of harm's way. You are aware of the abuse. At the very least, take the dog to a shelter and tell him the dog ran away. You can make a choice about whether and when YOU leave. The dog is helpless, defenseless, noble and our best friend. If he defends himself, he may have to be put down.

My very best wishes that you will navigate from this safely.

February 3, 2006
8:54 pm
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Rasputin
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Pet abuse is one of the most horrendous type of voilence.
Anyone who does it is a BIG COWARD and is unworthy of love and trust, Period!!!!

Pets are such cute innocent velnerable and defenceless animal beings.

Birdie! Run, Run, Run with your sweet poor doggie ASAPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!

~Ras~

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