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My heart still aches for a love that wasn't true
September 2, 2005
3:15 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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Everytime I start to get weak and think that I should at least return his call, I start thinking about all those times I've left him text messages, e-mails, phone messages and I waited days for him to finally respond and sometimes he wouldn't respond at all. So why should I feel guilty about not returning his call? I shouldn't. It doesn't matter anymore. It's about time I started treating him the way he's been treating me. I need to let go completely and unfortunately the only way to do that is to stay out of his life.....no contact whatsoever.

But at least this time, I'm not hurting nearly as much as I used to....so that tells me I am getting stronger and am finally starting to see the light. 🙂

September 2, 2005
3:49 pm
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HSB,

I'm sorry to jump in here, but I feel the need to say something. We've been through this together several times (I am just as guilty of playing the "game" as you are)... I know how addictive it is!! You were on the right track. You went two weeks with no contact. That was awesome and a huge step in the right direction... but out of the blue... YOU initiated the contact again to put the wheels back in motion to continue this cycle of self-destruction!!

I know this game... darn, I think I wrote most of the rules for it!!!! Be truthful... are you really dating anyone, or did you just say that to rouse up a response from him?? Did you really mean that you could not talk to him until your relationship was over, OR did you want him to BEG you to be his friend again? At the very LEAST, you wanted a response from him, which you got. It was a gamble and luckily for you, it paid off (this time). This new angle to get a response from him will only work once and it appears that you have exhausted all other "angles", including the truth... so you are relieved right now and feel good that he cared enough to call, right? Sure. It is validating to be acknowledged and not be ignored. You have given this man so much power over you that you are either happy or sad, depending on how he is treating you on any given day. So, right now, you're in the driver's seat. However...

When you say that you're seeing the light, feeling stronger and not hurting as much as you usually do, it appears to me that is only because you feel in control temorarily and you are getting a huge HIGH from the attention he is showing you. I say "temporarily" in control because I know how this game goes!!! It usually goes one of two ways... #1 He'll give up trying to contact you, which will upset you "Why did he give up so easily? Doesn't he care?" and you will in turn, CALL HIM!!! It will not go as well as you expected, then he'll start ignoring you, you are back at day one, with a broken heart... again!

OR... #2 You'll feel guilty for not answering his calls and you'll either finally answer the phone OR you will call him back yourself. It will not go as planned... you'll get sad, needy and desperate again... he'll ignore you... you're devastated... again!!!!

HSB, it is so difficult to sit by and watch you keep setting yourself up for heartbreak. You get the illusion of being "over him" ONLY when you are in some sort of contact with him. It's not good, not healthy and will only bring you pain.

I'm sorry if I've hurt you... I just wanted to give you my opinion because I've been there.

TC

September 2, 2005
3:51 pm
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taj64
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Feeling guilty is useless emotion. I am sure he is not sitting around feeling guilt for responding to you or not responding to you. When you feel weak, think about the hurt you will feel after you call him. He doesn't care, he won't call if you don't call him and you know this. If he really cared he would tell you not to call him or email anymore. This boy is doing to you because he can. And you allow it! It takes a long time to recover from no contact. But it does go away. Dysfunctional relationships are the hardest to break away from, go figure that but it is true and you have to realize you are dysfunctional in this relationship. It is hard lesson to be learned but you need to learn it. Hang in there.

September 2, 2005
8:36 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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TC - I'm not hurt by what you said. I needed to hear it. As far as dating, yes, I've gone on a few dates with this guy I've met, but it's not going to go anywhere....I've already admitted my fib on here. I am, however, still spending time with my ex-hubby. He's been really sweet, especially when I get depressed.

What did I expect from my ex b/f when I contacted him? I'm not really sure that I expected a response from him, it was more of a weak attempt to take control once and for all and let him know I'm through....but like you pointed out, it probably did make me sound needy and pathetic. Oh well, at the time, my soul needed to write that e-mail. At least I haven't returned his call or text message. I seriously doubt he'll keep trying. He was just trying to find out about this "new" guy......I'm positive about that.

I'm sorry to be such a wimp at times....I'm get angry at myself sometimes for being so weak.....but at least I keep trying 🙁

Taj -- Like I mentioned to TC, I have not returned his call.....and I won't. I agree, I'm definitely dysfunctional in this. I just hope one of these days I'll be able to forget I ever knew this person.

Thanks to both of you for your support......even if I do drive you crazy 🙂

September 2, 2005
10:58 pm
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Neshema
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WOW, Hurts, TC, Taj-

I read this with great interest...it really made me cry....it is so painful.

Taj and TC, I think your words are very wise. Hurts, I know it hurts, but I have to agree with Taj and TC.
You are not being good to yourself by giving this man so much control, and that even means playing the games or feeling guilt. I wouldn't throw away stuff, because sometimes when you look at them, once you realize how much he has hurt you (including emails you have written to him), it will remind you of the cycle of behavior that brought about so much pain. We tend to have selective memories.

Anyway, I find this whole discussion is very, very painful. I was awakened by a dream of my old bf a few days ago. I was begging him to go back on his psych meds (he is a psychologist, believe it or not). He refuses to take his meds and that led to the destruction of the most beautiful relationship I have ever had and problems for him at work and with his children. IN the dream, I was begging and begging, as I had done in real life about a year ago. When I awoke, I almost called him. Thank goodness, I did not. I almost replied to a very strange email he sent me about a month ago. I didn't. However, he has been on my mind all week. I know I cannot contact him. Hurts, even if things get better in the short-term, once someone has done something that crosses the line of faith and trust (and he did many awful things off his meds), there is no turning back without a lot of professional help. I didn't sign up to be a rescuer. I had known him professionally for 12 years without knowing his problem. I got caught up in it, and found myself trying to fix it and still hurting all this time later, but you know what? The longer I would have stayed, the worse it would have hurt. Each time I went back, I had to recover, as I did from the vivid dream. It was like seeing him again. I feel for you.

September 3, 2005
12:15 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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Hi Neshema,

Sounds like you've been there too. I'm sorry. I wouldn't wish this type of pain on my worst enemy.

It is so hard to think clearly when emotions get in the way. Logically, I know what I need to do; I know he doesn't want me anymore; I know I should be angry for the way he treated me; I know that even if he did decide to give it another try (which he won't) - I know it wouldn't work because I couldn't trust him. I'd always be waiting for the other shoe to drop. But emotionally, that's a different story. You're right when you say that we have selective memory. Most of the time all I can think about is the good times and I totally ignore all the negative things that have happened this past year. All the calls and e-mails and questions that never got answered. All the times he would send me flirty e-mails leading me to believe he was still interested....

He's not a good person....not really. I was there for him when he needed someone and once that need was gone, he got rid of me too 🙁

September 3, 2005
4:54 pm
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Nesh,

I have read several of your posts on this board and find you to be a very brave woman, full of self-love and wisdom. I have been reluctant to join in many of the conversations because I have not felt that I had much to add. I'm impressed by your strength and ability to stand your ground in regards to not taking your Ex back unless he makes a serious commitment to getting healthy. That is the hardest thing to do when you love somebody! I know... I'm going through it right now (unsuccessfully, I might add!). Ex bf has tons of issues... which he refuses to address. He drowns his fears in alcohol and hides from his pain in bed with the covers pulled up over his head! He surrounds himself with people that admire him and only know his "Good" traits. He is fun, sociable, clever and charming with them. The thing is that I KNOW him, the REAL him. I know his faults, his insecurities, his weaknesses, his family drama... all of it! He has made himself vulnerable to me and he does not like it now. He doesn't want to deal with any of the pain, so he doesn't deal with ME (unless I am being fun, cute and flirty). The minute I bring up a serious topic, he is gone like the wind. We are broken up, yet he can't let go of me completely... he likes the fact that I am still around, loving him. I am torn between the belief that he will come back to me when he is "ready" AND the possible reality that he may only come back to me if he doesn't find anybody better! Then, the worst fear that he WILL find somebody else and then drop me like a bad habit!

I know that none of it should matter. I need to take care of ME, which I do, but he is there, in the back of my mind and in my heart ALL THE TIME! I carry on with my day to day activities with ease... I don't weep all day (like I did when we first broke up)... but I do long for him and I have not aggressively persued another relationship "just in case" he comes back. Sick, I know.

Anyway, I am going to start posting again. I really admire you Neshema, how you post at night when you are lonely and scared. I think it's great that you reach OUT when you feel that way instead of retreating INWARD, which is so easy to do! You are doing all of the right things and I need to get back with the program!!!

HSB, This pertains to you as well... A wise friend told me just the other day, that my relationship with X is similar to the movie Titanic... the ship sinks every time!!! No matter how many times you watch it, the ship always goes down... Once you stop waiting for a different ending, that's when the healing begins. I hope to get there soon. You too.

TC

September 3, 2005
11:54 pm
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Neshema
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Hurts and TC-

Thanks for the replies. i actually fell asleep at a weird hour and woke up just now and am about to go back to sleep...really tired...wasn't sure what day it was. My work schedule is getting to me. THanks for your kind words, TC. Hurts, I am glad you found something helpful in my post. I will reread again when I am more awake. Hang in there.

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