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My heart still aches for a love that wasn't true
August 29, 2005
11:08 am
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Hurts_so_bad
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It's been almost two weeks since I've had any contact and while I feel a lot stronger than I used to, I still find myself thinking about him. Last night was especially difficult. I was with my family and my ex husband displayed one of his "attitudes" like he used to when we were married, and I immediately thought of my ex b/f and I wished I were with him. He didn't have a temper at all. I wanted to call him so bad, but of course I didn't because he has someone else and I know that calling him would only bring more hurt into my life.

I really thought that I had weathered the worst of this breakup, but this morning I'm not so sure. I feel like having a good cry. Will I ever be back to normal?

August 29, 2005
11:13 am
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StronginHim77
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Two weeks seems like forever, (kinda like the last month of pregnancy seeming as long as the first 8 months!), but it isn't long enough to be recover from a painful separation. There is no timetable for grieving. Go easy on yourself and expect to have good days/bad days over the coming weeks, as you pick u the pieces of life and resume your normal activities. I would encourage you to AVOID the "ex-husband" (or anyone else who has a negative impact on your emotions), until you are strong enough to deal with that nonsense. Right now, you need some TLC from compassionate friends who understand your anguish. Keep posting. We are here for you.

August 29, 2005
12:01 pm
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gingerleigh
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Exactly! Excellent advice above. 2 weeks can seem like an eternity, but 2 weeks is also considered a "long" vacation for some and you know how vacations just seem to fly by. Try to stay busy and focus on pursuits and people who make you happy (and yes, stay away from those who bring you down.)

August 29, 2005
12:50 pm
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taj64
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HSB, hang in there. It is only two weeks and seems like eternity. The longer you go, the stronger you will get, the pain will fade. We all have moments when we feel this way, especially after you have been so strong. It teaches you something, to remind you. Time heals all wounds and rings so true. Tomorrow you may not remember feeling sad. It is normal to fluctuate with sadness and memories of good times. Focus on yourself, your needs for today.

August 29, 2005
12:59 pm
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SexySadie
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Take it one day at a time honey. It's a rollercoaster ride...there will be good days and not so good days...and you have to go through WHATEVER grieving process you need and take however long you need...and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. And as someone said time does heal all wounds...

August 29, 2005
12:59 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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Thanks for all the enouraging comments. I know the pain will fade, I just feel so darn sad. I'm starting to obsess about him again.

I'm starting to think that maybe I'm looking to him as an escape from my life. I'm just not happy and the sad part is I don't really know why. I've got things to be thankful for, but it just seems my life is nothing but responsibility.....not a lot of fun. I've forgotten how to have fun. And yes, I am on anti-depressants and seeing a counselor....

August 29, 2005
1:13 pm
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desperate4love
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Hurts --- I am right there with you. Take comfort in knowing you are not alone. My stomach aches, I didn't sleep much last night, I feel sick, tired, just want to close my eyes and not wake up. But, I've been here before and I know it will get better. It just takes time.

August 29, 2005
2:22 pm
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lessthanalive
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me three....but there is some comfort in knowing other people are miserable too :)if you find a way to not obsess and shut your brain up and the pain off, let me know. but untill then we will all be sad together.also there is this killer book called How to Survive The Loss of a Love. it will bring you peace i sware.

August 29, 2005
2:41 pm
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Notsure
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If it wasn't true it should be a little easier. Psychologists (only as a rule of thumb) suggest a minimum of 6 months to get over a true relationship plus one month for each year of being together. Regards. Notsure.

August 29, 2005
2:42 pm
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taj64
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There is also a book on Healing a Broken Heart: 12 steps by Kathleen W. It too is a good book. Read, read, read, take a walk, keep real busy and when you start to feel bad about yourself, take a minute to evaluate your feeling and see if you can turn it around to feel something positive, and put the feeling on a shelf. Isn't it great to feel power within yourself. Also for you I had to come back and tell you, think of the future, the future you will have without the pain of two draining relationships. There is something out there, you just don't know it yet and there is a plan.

August 29, 2005
2:59 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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Why does love hurt so much?

taj - I do have that book as well as so many other self-help books about relationships, codependency, etc. And they do help a lot, but some days, well, I just plain hurt.

desperate and less -- I know how you are feeling. It is such a hopeless feeling -- I know I can't make him love me, I know I've lost him....and yet I still keep trying. How sick is that?

Notsure - 6 months? Wow. Long time. I don't think he waited that long before he got involved again......hmmmm....maybe she's a rebound? Wouldn't that be nice 🙂
Yeah, I know, that's mean....but right now it's a nice thought 🙂

August 30, 2005
9:33 am
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desperate4love
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Hurts -

I'm sick too. I called him again last night. Many times. Leaving desperate (hence my name) vm's, begging, pleading for him not to do this to me, to call me, that I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, etc. No, he never called. And, he won't.

I woke up at 3:30am and couldn't go back to sleep. I hate this.

D4L

August 30, 2005
1:15 pm
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taj64
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Im sorry you are hurting. Don't you think the more you call, the more desperate you appear to be, the more desperate you actually are. This guy is not there for you. I know it is so very hard. Once you accept it, then maybe the process will go faster. No guy is worth all this suffering. Are you seeing a therapist? Are you reading some books? Learning about yourself, the good stuff and the bad stuff, can help you heal too. I think you will end up with a list of much more positive things than you realize. You are going to come through this. The first few weeks are definately the hardest. Maintaining no contact is very much needed for you right now. Put a rubberband around your hand and every time you get that urge pull it hard almost to feel pain and remind yourself of the pain you feel when you do contact him and he doesn't respond.

August 30, 2005
1:38 pm
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Neshema
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Hi, Hurts-

Hey, listen, I miss my old bf so much that I reread his email that he sent me last night and cried and cried. We broke up about a year ago. I never wrote back, because he is just not good for me, even though we had an a amazing connection. He has some big time psychological issues and wont take his antidepressants. So, he abandons people and I can't be with him. I never wrote back, because I know what it will mean again. Anyway, Hurts, I had an evil stalker this year, and it taught me something, even though I didn't know the guy. I won't ever keep contacting someone who doesn't reciprocate. Plus, is just is bad for my own self esteem. Hugs, Nesh

August 30, 2005
2:49 pm
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taj64
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HSB, not to dig the hurt in more but at the time it was a love true at least to you. on my last statement, I think that comment I made about phoning a guy when it is over, I think I misread the thread and I was commenting on D4L about breaking down and calling. Sorry about that. Anyway, isn't it nice to know that you made it through 2 weeks? That is something to be proud of. I threw away all the old emails because a part of my addiction was to go back and read them over and over. In our relationship, we wrote thousands of emails and i always got rid of them. He is a sentimental guy so I am pretty sure he is keeping them in a file and we once joked and called it the X files. I know it is over and I am still hurt over it but accepting of it, not doing the contact and for the most part at peace with it. I cannot say I am over it though. this morning I caught myself looking out the window to see if I could see him drive by because I can see the main road from my back window. Like suddenly he would drive by in that few minute span, how ridiculous. But I do not miss the pain he caused me, the pain I caused myself by keeping on with it. A part of me misses the way he made me feel at one time, sexy and alive. I cannot say I feel that way anymore, yet I am not pacing the floors anymore, feeling anxious so that is good part. Once day I hope to not have to wake up and think about him the minute I get up or have him cross my mind as much as he does. It probably is a good idea to put away things that remind you of him. at least for awhile.

August 30, 2005
2:55 pm
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desperate4love
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So I'm not the only one that he is the FIRST thought that enters my mind when I wake up and last thing I think of when I go to sleep?

August 30, 2005
3:16 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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Hi Guys,

Isn't it awful how all of us have one guy on our mind that makes us so miserable. The sad part is they're probably not even giving us a second thought.....so in reality, why should we?

But I know how hard it is NOT to think about him. I'm doing a lot better today than I was yesterday. I'm trying to keep busy. But yesterday was absolutely horrible. I did nothing but cry because I missed him so badly.

desperate - please try really hard not to contact him again. Not only because it does make you look really desperate to him, but more importantly, for your own well-being. The pain will subside...granted it's a slow process, but it will happen. Any time you feel the urge to phone him, log on here or get out of the house and do something nice for yourself.

taj.....you're sounding stronger every day. Ahhhhh those emails....I'm trying to get up enough courage to delete all mine. I have a tendency to reread them too and that's NOT good.

thanks nesh for your input as well.....how did this stalker thing get started? That's scary. 🙁

August 30, 2005
3:19 pm
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Neshema
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Hurts-

Cant really disclose the details online...trust me it was bad news. I will just say this. I didn't know the evil criminal, but he sure wanted to know me. I will never contact a person who doesn't seem to want to hear from me after that experience.

August 30, 2005
3:28 pm
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angel1
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I feel your pain too..I miss my ex too..It's been 5 months since we split up..I want to stop missing him and feeling bad..Angel1

August 30, 2005
4:58 pm
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taj64
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Wow I didn't think there were crazy people like me out there, ones that think of the ex as soon as awake from sleep, people that read, overread letters, time that goes on, and still missing. It helps to know this. It is good therapy to talk it out with people who have experienced it. I like helping those too, much healthier codependency attitude to help others in need. One aspect to stay busy is to help others.

September 1, 2005
9:25 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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Hi my cyber friends 🙂

I haven't posted the past few days, but I've been doing okay. The reason I'm posting this afternoon is because I contacted my ex b/f....yes, I know I should'nt have, but I couldn't help myself....so now I'm ready to hear your comments about how wrong this was; how I'm still not letting go; etc.

I sent him an email wishing him a nice Labor Day weekend and told him that if he's been wondering why I haven't written him it's not because I don't care anymore....it's precisely because I do care that I have to stop contacting him. I didn't want to keep writing and wait days for a response because it drove me crazy. I went on to tell him that I know he's moved on and that I was doing the same. I told him I was focusing on my current relationship (I didn't tell him that I'm sure it won't be going very far...lol). And on top of telling a fib (I've only dated this guy a short time, so I can't really call this a relationship), I also told him that if situations ever change, I'd like to start staying in touch again.

Right after I got home, my cell rang, but I ddn't answer it. It was him leaving me a message. "Hi it's ....., just called to see what kind of trouble you're getting yourself into....I'll talk to you tomorrow". I'm not planning on answering the phone, but it's interesting to note that whenever I "hint" that I might actually be moving on, he suddenly manages to respond the same day. Is he wondering as a friend? Or is it something more? Who knows. He could have just sent an email....no need to call. He's usually telling me how busy he is......but he made time today....go figure.

I know you guys probably won't believe this, but I'm really not hurting much anymore....yet I can't seem to stop playing little games with him. Maybe it's because he hurt me so much. Do I think that maybe he'll want to come back to me some day? No, I don't believe that will happen....it would have happened by now. So why do I still tempt him? Not a clue. I just know that on certain days it makes me feel good to write him and "kill him with kindness". Guess it makes me feel better knowing that I'm a bigger person than he is.

Okay, guys, let me have it 🙁

September 2, 2005
1:43 am
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Hurts_so_bad
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I just finished going through one of my photo albums and to be honest, I'm wondering why I keep playing these games with my ex b/f. I looked at his picture for the longest time, but somehow the old feelings I used to get when I looked at his picture no longer were there. I'm wondering what it was I saw in him. I'm not a shallow person, but let's face it, looks is what gets us noticed.

I feel so strange right now, I'm not so sure how I feel about him right now. I suppose I should feel angry at the way he broke things off with me - but I'm not. I don't wish him any harm.

Can anyone explain to me why I'm feeling so weird about him?

September 2, 2005
1:11 pm
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taj64
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alright, you are going to have to have it...right now you are not angry but you are on your high of contacting him. But give it a few days, and you will be back where you started from. It is part of the denial I think, and part of the withdrawal. Withdrawing is painful. Each time you call him, email him or ANY form of contact, you get a sense of relief but remember it is like drug and the high will only last so long. Of course you do not wish him harm right now but when you breaking away, working on yourself, you will be angry and wonder why you tortured yourself over this person. While you try to get over him, you might want to put pictures, leter anything of him away. You don't need to throw them out just put them in a place where you cannot have access to them so easily. This person does not want you, doesn't even want to be your friend. You don't need a boyfriend like that, nor even his friendship. He is destructive to you. I doubt he is thinking that you are the better person, you are sending a message to him that you are desperate and needy. You should not care what he thinks. Oh desperate, I wish you would not be so desperate. Desperate = hurt, don't you know? How about being desperate to recover and heal for yourself? Try this obsession instead of obsession over him. I was blunt and harsh but I think you need it and a loving person would tell it like it is.

September 2, 2005
1:51 pm
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Hurts_so_bad
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Thanks taj...I really appreciate you telling me like it is. For what it's worth, he called me once this morning already and left me a text message. So far I've ignored both.

He probably just wants to find out what's going on in my relationshp. He's not calling because he's jealous or because he wants me back. Deep down I know that we probably can't be friends. If we're not in a relationship, there's really not much to say.

I think I will put all his pictures and cards away. I wish I could destroy them, but I'm not quite ready for that step. But I can at least keep myself from looking at them.

Thanks again. I need a reality check. 🙂 Please keep being blunt....I really need it.

September 2, 2005
2:15 pm
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taj64
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I would not throw them out at all. Someday, far away, you will want to get them out and remember of course. It is part of your life afterall. I just want to see you, not chasing him anymore. You're going to find someone just right for you, but you gotta do some work on yourself right now, prepare to be healthy emotionally for you and then you will attract healthier person for you. "Like attract Like"! Your healthy heart will ache for a love that is true.

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