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My heart is breaking at the realization that I am a mistake
May 1, 2007
9:06 pm
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loverbee
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Last night, I discovered that the man who raised me was not my father and that I was the product of an affair. On top of that, my entire family knew the whole time and never told me. My "father" who raised me was horrible to me and awful and I have just come to accept that it is ok to be angry with him. But now I come to learn that it is not ok to be angry. That I should have just been grateful to have a roof over my head and that I will never get that opportunity to have someone say to me "I am glad that you were born" because no one was glad that I was born.

May 1, 2007
9:12 pm
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ggfred4
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(((loverbee))) I am so sorry...You are NOT a mistake, no child is.

May 1, 2007
9:19 pm
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StronginHim77
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Yes, it IS ok to be angry when we are mistreated, abused, raged at or made to feel inferior and/or unwanted. Whether this man was your biological father -- or not -- does not excuse or justify his mistreatment of you.

You are NOT a mistake. You are a precious gift...a wonderful and loving person with a sound mind and a strong and compassionate heart. Compassion is usually acquired the hard way...through abuse and suffering. But you have it. And we are grateful to have you here on these threads. You have been such a blessing to so many of us.

Love,

Ma Strong

May 1, 2007
9:53 pm
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turnabout
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Why can't you be thankful you had a roof over your head AND angry that the man who was supposed to be your father was mean to you? BOTH are valid. He didn't have to allow you into his life and accept the role of "father". True. He also didn't have to treat you the way he did. He was no martyr. He had choices.

It must be devastating to learn everyone was in a this secret except the one person affected most by it... YOU. That wasn't fair. You deserved much better than that. You didn't do anything wrong to be treated like that. They were looking after themselves and not you. I grieve for you. This must mess with your sense of identity.

It doesn't matter how you got here, loverbee. You're no less valuable now than you were before. You're existence is no less valid. You're here, and you are a blessing to this world.

(((((loverbee))))))

May 2, 2007
10:13 am
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chelonia mydas
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(((((loverbee)))))

You are NOT a mistake. If your conception wasn't planned that just means that the Universe/Higher Power/God wanted you on Earth so much that you were conceived anyway. You are a wonderful person with many gifts and talents to share. You have value because of who you are and all you have accomplished. The time, place and people involved in your conception do not change that.

You have every right to be angry. No one should be treated badly. There are kids all over the planet who are raised by people who are not their blood relatives but yet are still treated equal to the other family members. If your "father" felt that his DNA needed to be part of everyone he cares for and chose not to extend that to everyone in the family then that is his shortcoming.

I am sorry that you are having to go through this.

I too was considered a "mistake" and had this brought up throughout my childhood. It effected me horribly. I wished to not know until I was older. But I guess it sucks both ways. Regardless of when it happenes, it is heartwrenching to be told by your parents that you are a mistake.

Hugs and wishes of comfort,
Chelonia

May 2, 2007
10:53 am
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Child of God.

No Mistake.

All these posts are absolutely right. You are such a blessing to so many just on this internet site, Loverbee. Please please please do not choose to take on other people's errors, misjudgments, opinions and reactions as your own.

May 2, 2007
11:49 am
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MzKitty
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Loverbee!

You are not a mistake! No matter how you came into this world you are a valuable person! I don't know who ever told you it's not ok to be angry about how this person treated you, but I believe it is okay, as long as you can find a healthy way to deal with that anger! I don't know you, but I'm glad you are here, and I beleive that you are a valuable person. I'm sure that you have impacted someone's life personally that would say the exact same thing. Don't listed to the people who are toxic in your life, I don't care if that is your parents, if they are saying toxic things to you IGNORE it! Get them out of your life. I had to do the same thing with my dad, he is very toxic for me! Please know that you are a valuable person, and you do have people who care about you!

May 2, 2007
1:18 pm
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mj
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Hey, You are a valuable, wonderful human being.

Your parents are the ones who made choices not you. YOU ARE Special.

I hope you know that by now!

May 2, 2007
1:20 pm
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loverbee
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I am not sure how I feel about all this now. I am sad. More sad than I have been in a long time. I am feeling very confused and I am exaughsted. I love my mother but I really don't. I don't think she was a good mother and sometimes I feel as though I only love her because I am supposed to. I am angry that they gave so much power to this secret that they kept it from me. I feel like my whole world has changed and because I have struggled with my identity all my life, now I just feel as though I have no identity.

May 2, 2007
2:32 pm
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mj
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You are still YOU. Yes, information about who your biological parents have changed but you are Still YOU. It is very healthy to feel your emotions. Part of the grieving process is Anger, Bargaining, Sadness, and Acceptance.

I had a friend who was told at age 25 that her father was not really her father. She had lived with her step-father for most of her life and had visitation by her supposedly real father. Her mother finally shared her deep dark secret of her affair and infidelity. My friend was devastated. She immediately moved to California to get to know her biological father. Eventually she moved back and was ok with it all. I was talking with her yesterday. It has been 25 years now. She is blessed with 3 fathers still.

Your situation is different in that your step-father was mean. But through all this, you are still YOU. Is your identity really based on who are parents are? I always wanted to be adopted. I wanted to know that the reason I was so different from my family had a genetic reason. I learned that being me isn't based on anyone else. I get to be who I am and be True to Myself. Love to you and know you get to be who you are too!

May 2, 2007
6:29 pm
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loverbee
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That is the strange thing. I am 25 almost. However, I don't consider him my step father. My parents were married. I was born and my "father" was told that I couldn't be his because I had a positive blood type and both of them had a negative. He didn't tell a soul except for his brothers, sister and my mother. They decided to play it off and then they got divorced and he got custody of me because my mother was an alcoholic and was extremely abusive and sent me to the hospital more than once. So I went to live with my "father" growing up until I was 25 thinking he was my real dad. Well actually until last night. my mother won't admit that she had an affair and in all honesty no one has any clue who my real dad is. Its just so strange.

May 2, 2007
7:18 pm
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mj
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Your "father" must have loved you a lot to raise you having known that you weren't his child. Think about it. Maybe he wasn't the perfect dad but he treated you the best he knew how. I am sorry they kept it a secret from you. Some people don't know how to share the truth just like some people don't know how to discuss sex and morals with their children.

May 2, 2007
8:28 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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((loverbee)) NO person is a mistake. You have a life and that is precious gift not a mistake.

May 2, 2007
8:56 pm
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loverbee
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I don't see how it was the best way he knew how. I grew up being told that I was a mistake. I grew up being screamed at on a daily basis, having all the furrniture in my room thrown at the wall on a weekly basis, having my diary read allowed to me every night from sixth to 12th grade just so that I knew I would never have any privacy, having my arms slapped when he found out I had tried to slit my wrists, having dishes thrown at me and being told over and over that I was weak, pathetic and that I would never amount to anything. It was a nightmare and now I feel as though I can't be mad at him for that. The only reason he raised me was because his brother guilt tripped him into doing it. I hate that. and I feel so lost now.

May 2, 2007
9:26 pm
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fantas
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(((((loverbee)))), I am so sorry for what seems to be the loss of your identity. I can't even begin to imagine what you must be going through. I so strongly applaud you for being willing and able to come and post here even while you are going through this. I think you are in the very beginning of your grieving for this loss...so keep feeling and posting and embracing all the love that's is being sent to you. Eventually, the right answers will come to you. Are you going to therapy or at least involved in a CoDA group in your town? sending you lost of hugs and love...

May 2, 2007
10:01 pm
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mj
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That sounds awful dear. I am so glad that you are becoming an adult now and can make your own choices. I certainly wouldn't want to remain in a home where you were abused on a daily basis. Keep your anger. Let it heal you through your grieving process. I am sorry it was a nightmare. (((((loverbee)))))

May 3, 2007
8:25 pm
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loverbee
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Ok. so I have realized that I am so running on a short fuse. I have been having such a hard time controlling my temper lately as it is. Then, when I went into my last college class ever because I am graduating, these other students started making a freaking tally of all the answers I knew and called me a kiss ass and started passing it around class. I MEAN THIS IS COLLEGE FOR GODS SAKE!!! HOW FREAKING OLD ARE WE??? I AM ABOUT TO BLOW UP ALL OVER THE PLACE AND THE WORST PART iS THAT I ENDED UP BLOWING UP ON MY BEST FRIEND!!! WHAT THE FREAK IS WRONG WITH PEOPLE> WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?????

May 3, 2007
8:38 pm
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danielle7373
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loverbee - there's nothing wrong with you. like you said, you're just running on a short fuse. you're angry and confused, so everything is probably just getting to you.

for college students to call you a kiss ass is VERY immature. seriously. they are most likely doing it to cover up for their lack of knowing answers... it's immature. so try not to let that get to you.

is there anything to help you control your temper?? to allow you to just relax and focus on YOU and what you like to do??

May 3, 2007
10:33 pm
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loverbee
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I think the biggest problem is that I have felt very alone during this whole process of figuring out the truth. When I tried to tell my sister that I was angry at my mother for lying and for deliberating trying to keep me in the dark about it all, my sister started giving me this whole bit about how I should think about the fact that my mother had such a hard life because her father raped her and all this crap. I know, but I have spent my whole life feeling sorry for her and now just when I need to start taking care of me my sister lays a guilt trip. Well, when she did this, I just felt like no one understood. Then my ex came over. He is still the best friend in the world and he hasn't been able to come over for a few days but he came over tonight. So the first thing he did when he came over was to make me a plate of strawberry shortcake which is fun because he cant cook but hey it was good still. THen we talked. I cried and I screamed and vented for a little while and then we watched my favorite movie. It was nice to be held. It was nice to have someone who understands. I don't know how long this will last to feel a little better. However, I haven't been able to stay smiling for a week now and I don't want to sit here and wait for the other shoe to drop so I am just going to try to stay calm. I am going to accept the feelings as they come and stop judging myself for the feelings I have. I just really don't want to lash out on anyone anymore. Especially the people I love most.

May 4, 2007
6:18 pm
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loverbee
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Ok, Back to the emotional wreck that I have been and having a really hard time controlling it....AGAIN!!!! I wish I could just get a grip and stop freaking out but that is much easier said than done.

May 4, 2007
7:34 pm
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loverbee
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I realize that some of you know eachother better than others but this is a site that is supposed to help and i am about to lose it on someone I really care about all because I am completely out of control. SOMEONE ANSWER ANd TELL ME HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!!

May 4, 2007
7:41 pm
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danielle7373
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are you still here? i'm here if you want to talk. i don't know what to tell you to just make it stop.

you just have to try to relax. you can express your anger and vent here - sometimes that helps... and i can try to help you or talk to you.

May 4, 2007
8:07 pm
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loverbee
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I havent the faintest what I am angry about. I just want to scream but I am not mad at any one person in particular.

May 4, 2007
8:11 pm
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danielle7373
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well what do you think you're mad about??? just life in general??

my situation's completely different... but im kinda angry right now, too. i just cried for 10 minutes because i'm trying no contact with my ex because he has a new girlfriend. and he keeps calling me. it stings so badly... i just want to go away.

it sounds like you're confused, and you mentioned earlier you don't know who you are. and that sucks, but it's also kinda good because you can create who you want to be.

do you live by yourself?? do you have a lot of friends??

May 4, 2007
8:23 pm
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loverbee
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Right now, all my friends have moved to NYC so I am alone here for a little while. I am moving to NYC in july so I am just trying to keep busy for now. I am a little lonely but I do get to hang out with my best friend in the world every few days. (He is also my ex) and now I am beginning to calm down slowly. Just very overwhelmed. I hope it feels better soon.

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