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My heart hurts...
April 19, 2005
12:41 pm
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kc30
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I am really struggling and feeling so damn sad...my little girl told me last night that my husband's girlfriend also goes to swimming lessons with them (her kids are there at the same time)

I had been planning to go and watch my little one swim, but no way I will do that now...not ready for that encounter yet.

I just can't understand how this man could replace me so easily...he and the woman he's having the affair with do all the same things with my kids that he and I did. And I get to hear all about it every time they come back from a visitation.

I feel so sad and so lonely. It's not about wanting him back now...I'm past that. It's just that I feel sometimes like he's just given my life and my role away to someone...that should be us at swimming lessons, not them. Shit.

The upside is...at least I'm dealing with the hurt...not calling him, playing games or trying to cover this up. But man it hurts.

thanks for listening....it's going to get better...I believe this...but dammit, if I need to feel sorry for myself, I will! I think I've earned a little pity party...

April 19, 2005
12:46 pm
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LthrNlace
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Im sorry to hear about your situation, I can only imagine how much your heart hurts. You're right..sometimes we do need to have a little self pity for a bit, I think it helps to move forward..part of the grieving process ya know! The important thing is not to dwell too much in each stage!

I hope things get better for you and your heart heals, so you can get past this and have joy in your life instead of the pain.

April 19, 2005
12:50 pm
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Randomwomen2
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Thanks for talking to us. My therapist told me something that i think aplies to you. I was having problesm feeling like an adiquit mother. She told me that there is atleast one thing that you can give your children that no one else can it is up to you to find it but there is always something. That woman could never replace you you have been the mommy since day one and your little girl knows that she knows who will be there for her when the times get rough she knows who she can count on. I hope this helps God bless

April 19, 2005
12:53 pm
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tracylyn
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KC ~

The hurting is normal and if you don't allow yourself to feel it now you will later.

Think back to the letter you wrote her. You described someone you don't want to be with anyway.

I know it's hard to look like you've been replaced but as I've said, he's replacing you ONLY because you were strong enough to stand up for yourself and say I deserve better!!

He's trying to fill a void within himself that you nor she nor anyone will fill. By turning externally to find it he will NEVER be whole and never truly be happy.

When I went thru my divorce and was feeling down, I would allow myself 1 day to just wallo in it and cry and pig out and kick and scream and just feel sorry for myself, it was cleansing....then I'd start the next day with a new outlook. I'd do this every now and then when things would start to overwhelm me.

No one can beat you down, you know that. She hasn't replaced you and he hasn't won. It's you that choose to do the replacing....cause you know you are so much better.

Hold onto that confidence and be proud that you've chosen to take care of you. I honestly don't think he's happy now or ever will be....he's lost right now while you have found yourself.

Stay strong.

t

April 19, 2005
1:05 pm
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tracylyn
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I also wanted to tell you KC that eventually the hurting does stop.

I was never good enough for my husband. He made me feel so worthless. He was critical of everything I did and I always knew he wanted someone more refined, more career minded, more like him. I was too much of a free spirit, too relaxed.

He dated a few people but then finally found "the one". She was very successful, had her own business, and very polished so he thought he'd found his perfect match....not true....what he had been searching for turned out to be the biggest mistake. He's like your husband...searching for something that they'll never find.

I can see a sadness in his eyes now. He tells me he knows why I left, tells me he doesn't know why I stayed as long as I did. I know he wants to be the one hanging out with us just as much as we once wanted him there. The tables turned...when once he didn't want us and we wanted him. Now, he wants us and I don't want him.

You'll get there.

t

April 19, 2005
4:44 pm
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CODA_Mom
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Oh kc,

I wish there was something that I could tell you to take away the pain. I can offer you hope that it won't always hurt so bad, though.

Perhaps you can start different special times with your daughter, things that will be unique only to yourself and her that she will always remember as "mom time".

I remember when my ex-husband married his "girlie" within a week after we were divorced (she was about 5 months pregnant). He brought her into OUR home, our first home that we had scrimped and saved for and bought together. I had been the one who moved out because I could not afford to stay in it by myself.

Yeah, it hurt really bad for awhile, but then I began to realize that I had been living a lie all those years...I did not have the American dream with him, it was a nightmare.

Try to look at the truth of your situation. You may think that your "replacement" is filling in the gap that you left, but honestly, nobody can take your place. If it was all so wonderful with him, why did you need to leave? Keep bringing yourself back to the truth, it will set you free.

Have a good cry if you need to, but realize you're gonna make it, we're all here to remind you that you will 🙂

((((HUGS))))

CM

April 20, 2005
7:34 am
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peacesoul
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Hi KC....I am sorry you are feeling this pain right now.
Work through this pain with self pity, but then let it go.

When my ex dumped me last year, he replaced me within 3 days. He was literally doing the exact sames things with her as he did with me within 3 days ! ugh !
Then when he was done with this girl, he begged for me back (I took him back I was such a FOOL), within 2 days, he had replaced her with me.
I was with him one more year and he dumped me again 3 months ago and AGAIN replaced me within 4 days.

I was devastated, but them came to realize that he was not replacing ME, he was only filling his sad pathetic void.
These men are so lonely and scared to feel or face ANY kind of pain, they either self medicate with drugs, booze or women.
You see, that's what makes us so different from these sad souls.
We can come here and post, cry, feel self pity and work through our pain.
The normal way of healing.
These men will never heal.
And KC, once your ex is done with this new one, he will replace her.
It's a viscious circle for these fools.

How sad for them huh?

KC, you have replaced your ex with self love, healing, respect, pride, and future happiness....

Now who came out on top here???

Stay strong my friend...you are doing TOO well to let this get you down

April 20, 2005
7:38 am
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kc30
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Hi and thanks for the support/responses and sound advice. It's such a hard thing to understand because I don't want to be with my husband any longer...but he should want to be with me! haha Guess it's just a self-esteem thing.

I don't feel replaced or threatened by the other woman as far as my kids go...my little boy is madly in love with mommy, and my daughter and I are close. She rarely mentions the other woman- just talks about her kids (that's how I usually know they are together)

It's my husband that gets me- I thought we had this incredibly special relationship- that what we had was unique (before he started drinking and cheating, that is) It's hard to realize that what was so important and special to me wasn't to him- that he could just pop another woman in where I used to be, and try and live the same life with her.

It was real for me, and that's why it hurts. To think you had this connection and realize it was strictly one-sided.

I cry a lot these days, but I can laugh at myself about it too...and it doesn't prevent me from enjoying my kids, my friends etc. It's just the alone time- when the kids are in bed, that I suffer. But I think it's healing...I hope so. This can't last forever, right? I hope not because I've been self-medicating with fudgsicles, and if I dont' snap out of it, I'll be looking at another 11 pound baby (and I'm not a very big woman!!) ha!

Thanks again for listening...
kc

April 20, 2005
8:13 am
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CODA_Mom
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kc,

I'm not familiar with your background info and I apologize if I'm not getting the whole picture correctly, but are you pregnant (in reference to the "11-pound baby" from your post, above)? Is your husband still living at home?

Again, please forgive my ignorance. I'm not able to read all of the threads as thoroughly as I'd like.

Thanks,
CM

April 20, 2005
8:34 am
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kc30
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Hi CM
Yes, I'm pregnant with our 3rd child and no, he's not living in the home. We actually separated last year...he told me a couple of times since that he wanted to reconcile, but was never willing to stop the affair as well (which obviously doesn't work for me)

Last November, after a few glasses of Merlot with the girls, I went to see him...he had the kids that night...I wanted to ask him to stop stalling with the lawyers, but ended up sleeping with him (I have a problem with boundaries) It was awful but after, he pursued me, wanted us to be together (all the usual, I love you, I want you, I'll fight for you, be good to you, be the man you married blah blah) said the affair was over...

I wasn't interested at first, but then found out I was pregnant (yes, the one time in 6 months that I actually have sex, and I get pregnant- it really does only take once!!) and in the throes of morning sickness, Christmas sentimentality and our wedding anniversary, I said "sure, let's try again". It lasted a month before he was back with the other woman- I made him step up to the plate HARD- be accountable, be responsible and wouldn't take his shit or kiss his ass or do his bidding- and he just couldn't handle it...he cracked and went running back to the one who would.

It took me another month get him out of the house- he thought it was perfectly reasonable to live in our home and screw his girlfriend when he felt like it and flatly refused to leave.

I managed to convince him otherwise (getting much better with boundaries by now)..he left again in Feb- a year after the first separation.

He's been a real pain in the ass ever since, although a couple of weeks ago, when he came into my house uninvited and wouldn't leave, I called the police (getting better with boundaries) and he's been very nice and agreeable ever since.

So, in a way, it's been over for a year, but it wasn't until January that I realized that the man I fell in love with didn't exist anymore- if he ever did- and that it didn't matter what we said or did from this point on, it was really over. It's a relief because he's such a lousy husband, but it's sad because I really thought we were going to have a beautiful life, and now I know it's never going to be.

Sorry so long but thanks for asking 🙂

April 20, 2005
8:50 am
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CODA_Mom
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kc,

Please don't apologize, thank you for sharing your story with me. I profoundly admire your strength through this whole ordeal, kc, and can deeply respect your determination to draw the line with him.

In my opinion, he is a very confused, disturbed individual and almost succeeded in pulling you into his craziness. I had to just delete a whole paragraph after writing it as part of this post because it was written out of pure anger and wouldn't have done you much good.

As I've mentioned on these posts before, I am a Christian and a therapist but every once in awhile my Italian blood starts to boil and fights against all of that. Your husband's behavior is making it happen, but you know, I don't think that he is even worth getting upset over. His character (or lack thereof) is obvious and will be his undoing, all by himself.

kc, you keep going, girl. I am thankful that you have your sweet babies there, soon to be 3! You will have a beautiful life with them because children are a gift from the Lord, they do bring a lot of joy. I know, and work, too, but they keep us from taking life too seriously some times.

My prayers are with you, I am crying with you, too (there goes that Italian in me, again 🙁 but I know you will make it.

Blessings and ((((HUGS)))),

CM

April 20, 2005
9:00 am
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kc30
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Thanks so much CM- it means a great deal. It's funny- when you are really close to a situation, you lose a sense of objectivity- it happened to me...I couldn't even see how badly he was treating me.

It's when I talk about it to other people, and they get upset (my friends will tell their coworkers about the things he does, and they all go nuts!) that I realize how poorly I was treated, and it actually helps me to get even stronger, and to be easy on myself at the same time.

I loved him and he wasn't good to me. It sucks...but you're right...better off with his alcoholic, pathologically lying, narcissistic, selfish, fake, cheating ass...(that felt good!)

My kids ARE beautful, and it looks like in the end, he will take care of us in the sense that so far, he's giving me everything (as he should) We have a nice home, I'm only 30 years old, and we have wonderful family and friends. Things are getting better...I guess this is just the depression that accompanies acceptance? I hope so...

April 20, 2005
9:31 am
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CODA_Mom
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kc,

Even with acceptance you will cycle back into the depression and anger from time-to-time, this is normal. The big difference is that you will not stay in those states for as long a time. There will not be that feeling of hopelessness and overwhelming grief, more of a dull ache.

What you would need to do when this happens is to have a reality check...as someone mentioned, have a list handy as to why you broke up in the first place because time does tend to distort reality. Of course, you can ask all of us and we would be glad to give you our input.

You are obviously growing and learning to take care of yourself. I can almost feel the relief in your words that his behavior is not your burden anymore. Abusive people will always make us feel responsible for their irresponsible lives.

Blessings,
CM

April 20, 2005
9:40 am
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kc30
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Thanks CM, and thanks for the heads up on the grief cycle...I think I still bounce back into the bargaining stage.

I used to think "If only he would end the affair, we could get our marraige back"

Now, it's "If only he wasn't with her, I wouldn't hurt so much" I need to get out of this line of thinking somehow, as this is what keeps knocking me down. I get thinking "maybe they'll break up" and then everytime I have to hear about them with my kids, I get depressed (the bargain isn't working!)

It's going to hurt no matter what- what's done is done, and no matter what he does from this point forward, the pain can't be undone or lessened. It just needs to be felt...that's ok...I know where I'm going and I'll get there in time.

Being pregnant probably doesn't help..hormones and all! I'm pretty nervous about postpartum- my world is black when I'm tired, and I believe if he's ever going to try and get back into my life, it will be then, when I am weak and exhausted (it worked when I had morning sickness)

I'll have my list handy then...

April 20, 2005
12:32 pm
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CODA_Mom
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Yes, kc, unfortunately because of the kids he will always be in your life to a degree. But time will slowly bring healing and you will get stronger. You are grieving not only the loss of a relationship, but the loss of a dream. Personally, I don't know which is worse.

I feel kinda sad for his new girlfriend. Even if she is acting like "in your face", she has no idea of the tidal wave coming up behind her. My guess is that she'll probably wind up on this site soon.

Take care, kc, hugs,

CM

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