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My heart hurts today--Rest of Whidbey's story...
February 27, 2006
11:57 am
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whidbey
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Well, besides the mess with ex-N and abusive father dying, the rest of my story is my daughter.

Background: I have been single since she was the age of 3 (she is now 25). I will admit that until she was about the age of 6, I did not lead a very good life, pot, coke, a few men in and out of house, relationships, etc. When she was around 6 or 7, I really changed my ways, began going to church, and did a lot of healing. In the meantime, her father was very distant emotionally with her, his wife was truly the evil stepmother (and that's not a jealous ex-wife talking here, this woman is wacked), and time after time I was the one who picked up the pieces of my daughter's little broken heart through the years. Of course, daughter's anger was directed toward me, because I was the one who was closest. I understood that, and rarely took it personally until she was old enough (in her teens) for me to tell her that I wasn't the one hurting her. At any rate, she and I were always very close, kind of like best friends, but I always maintained the stance of mother as well and didn't let those boundaries blur. As well, I had apologized to her, more than once for my mistakes and bad choices in the early days. That being said, after my change, I was a darn good mother, on the whole. Sure, I made some mistakes after that, but who doesn't, as a parent? They weren't huge mistakes, just the usual stuff. I worked my butt off to keep us afloat, in a safe home and not a slum apartment where she wouldn't feel safe, food on the table, a safe car for her to drive, etc. Did I work long hours? Yes, but there really wasn't a choice. I had to do what I had to do.

After she married, four years ago, things began to change. Some of that is as it should have been, him being the most important thing in her life and breaking away from me. However, in the course of things, he began to say hurtful things about, and to, me. That's when my daughter started to draw away from me. She then began railing at me at how I put her in the path of my father by letting her visit with my mom, who was sexually abusive, though he never was to her, because I know he knew I would have kicked his ass. Bottom line, I now know how wrong and misguided that was, to even take a chance. However, that was way back in the days before Oprah coming out with her abuse, then everyone making it acceptable to do so. I grew up in a generation where these things were NEVER talked about, much less dealt with. I have since dealt with his abuse of me, about the time she was a young teen, and I told her all about it and warned her about him. My mother was also made aware at that time and was very watchful from then on. Again, no abuse ever occurred to my daughter. I do know this in my heart, as I brought her up to be very strong and vocal, and I know she wouldn't have hesitated to tell me.

As well, my daughter has always been very high drama and very, well, high maintenence when it comes to attention. A couple of years ago, she sent a letter to my whole side of the family, my mother, me, my brother and his family that she wanted some distance from us and would contact us. I respected that. She would contact me from time to time, but if I ever tried to reciprocate, I was shut down, so I stayed away from contact with her. Last year, on the day of my father's funeral (I stayed home and didn't go as I would have felt like a hipocrite) and prepared the buffet for the gathering afterward. My daughter and her husband stopped by the house, surprisingly. We chatted and as she left, hugged me and told me she loved me. That felt good. When family and friends got there, my brother told me that she and husband had shown up at the graveside service and then left mid-service during the prayer, very conspicuously. I felt it was very disrespectful to my mother, regardless of how daughter felt about my father. They had told me they had left the service when they came by the house, but I just had so much else on my mind, what with being in the middle of break-up with ex-N, not knowing HOW to grieve father's death (more of what could and should have been, rather than the person he was), I didn't say, or even think about it.

Then, that evening, I got a phone call from her. It started out nicely, light chit-chat, her telling me how good it was to see me, etc. After a while, I just had a sort of funny feeling that things were about to go south. I started trying to end the phone call nicely, saying that I was tired and really needed to go. At that point, she started in on my sister-in-law and how she "dissed" daughter and husband at the service. I know my SIL know she didn't say a word to them. I guess silence can be louder than words sometimes. SIL's problem with daughter is that dau also cut off her cousins, who just worshipped and adored her. Anyhow, the only thing I said (and not judgmentally, just said) to daughter was that perhaps it would have been better if they had skipped the service and just come to the house, rather than leave in the middle of service. Well, off she went on me, saying she KNEW I was going to criticize her, yadda yadda. I tried to tell her I wasn't doing so, just saying what I said, which I would have said to any friend, etc. I couldn't get a word in edgewise, and she finally just had her rant and hung up on me. Then her husband called me in about 2 minutes and started in on me too, not letting me speak at all.

After that, I wrote her an e-mail stating that I had had enough of their disrespect, and that they BOTH had crossed way too many of my personal boundaries. I told her I had apologized every way I knew how of my shortcomings as a parent in the past. Of course, I got blasted back, with her stating she didn't love me anymore, didn't hate me, just felt indifferent. I have since left her alone.

Well, my mother called daughter's husband's mother to find out how daughter was doing, and we've found out they have moved to Arizona. Just like that. I feel like I've lost her forever now.

I know this is really long, but with the triple whammy from last fall, it has all just hit again, and I'm crying my eyes out today. If you've actually made it this far, thanks for reading. If not, well, it felt good to get this out.

February 27, 2006
1:10 pm
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revelation
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Oh Whidbey...I've no kids, but this sounds just awful. I hope you don't mind this opinion Whidbey, but from what you wrote...sounds like you are carrying around a lot of unnecessary guilt from your past, and this has kinda made you let her away with some stuff...she sounds a little spoilt...she sounds like she's taking advantage of your guilt.

1. You HAVE TO let go of that guilt. Dave Pelzer writes about it in his book "Help Yourself", With an issue you feel guilty about...is there anything that you can do about it? No? Well then let it go. You have done enough Whidbey, you've made up for your past mistakes, you've raised her alone, you've made mistakes that lots of people make, but you've talked it out with her, you've been honest, and you've given her lots of love and attention, a good home and all the rest of it. So its time to let the guilt go...and its time she stopped beating you up for it. She's moved to Arizona, I think any attempt to contact her would probably just give her control. I know it would probably be very hard for you not to contact your own daughter, but she's chosen to move away without even telling you! Look, if you really must get in touch, then write, say you are as always, here when she needs to talk, but let that be it...give her time, Whidbey...I'm a daughter, I know what we are like...there will come a time probably in the not too distant future, when she'll need you, let her contact you sweets...you have nothing to feel bad about OK?

February 27, 2006
1:18 pm
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whidbey
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Thanks, Rev. 🙂

Actually, I have let go of a lot of that guilt, as I had apologized to her some years back and thought we had cleared it up. Writing about all of it above was more to give background of the situation. I have no intention of contacting her, and probably wouldn't know how, even if I DID want to. The last e-mail I wrote to her was about stating my boundaries and telling them both I wouldn't stand for the disrespect any longer.

What frightens me, is that her husband comes from a very abusive background. His alcoholic father used to beat his mother, and him for trying to protect his mother. I so hope this isn't an isolation move on his part to cut her off from her family. I "think" she is stronger than that, to allow that to happen, but it still makes me wonder. I can't help, as a mother, to worry about her.

I was a good mother and M-I-L when they first got married. I didn't hover, pester, interfere in their problems, etc., even when daughter would call me after they had an argument, etc.

I dunno, Rev. I didn't think I was feeling guilty about any of it, but perhaps it's more evident to an objective third party, such as yourself, that I am. I just don't know what I feel today, except hurt, by this entire last year.

February 27, 2006
1:29 pm
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garfield9547
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Whidbey

I am so to hear of the emotional 'problems' with your daughter.
I can so relate.
Your daughter is 25 and has been without a father for 22 years. This must have been hard for her.
Does she have contact with her father?
You said
I will admit that until she was about the age of 6, I did not lead a very good life, pot, coke, a few men in and out of house, relationships,
Although this is how things ended up to be i think she will need healing as the first years are critical.

I am not jugdeging you. I had a change of heart ehrn my daughter was 3.
I still to this day see in her that she would of been different if I was more mature emotionally, but unfortunately I was just who I was at that time of my life.

you said
That being said, after my change, I was a darn good mother, on the whole. Sure, I made some mistakes after that, but who doesn't, as a parent?
Well done Whidbey. I feel the same, Just trying to be the best mother I can possible be.
You said
However, in the course of things, he began to say hurtful things about, and to, me.

Do you think she said things to him about you or do you think he is allianating her from you?

Whidbey - She then began railing at me at how I put her in the path of my father by letting her visit with my mom, who was sexually abusive, though he never was to her, because I know he knew I would have kicked his ass. Bottom line, I now know how wrong and misguided that was, to even take a chance

My blood is running cold - I allow my kids to go to my father's say twice a year. My therapist warned me. i cannot do it agian. Did not know. He has never sexually abused me. So I thought he would never do it do them. They are very vocal. But in the end I am not taking a chance.
Have you ever asked your daughter if she was sexually abused by your father?
Have you asked her how she sees him and experienced him when it comes to sexuallity?

I grew up in a generation where these things were NEVER talked about, much less dealt with. I have since dealt with his abuse of me, about the time she was a young teen, and I told her all about it and warned her about him.

I agree, in your time there was NO information and I think you did very well.

I do know this in my heart, as I brought her up to be very strong and vocal, and I know she wouldn't have hesitated to tell me.
These seems like my words ohhhhh
Whidbey i am talking to you tonight from the heart - please do not be offended if i am being emotionally honest. Just take whats for you.

Growing up with a N father I was raised to be the "STRONG' one. This was not good for me. I had to pretend to survive. My oldest to this day has low-selfesteem, but you would NEVER say it. I am working on her to correct the past. She is SOOOOOOOOOOO like me. Stubern ohh

WHIDBEY Do we have the same daughters???

As well, my daughter has always been very high drama and very, well, high maintenence when it comes to attention
My daughter is known as the Drama Queen and loves it. We are trying to get her on the right track, but she has her own ways. Turning 12 Wednesday.

Last year, on the day of my father's funeral (I stayed home and didn't go as I would have felt like a hipocrite)

WELL DONE I think millions of people would have gone to there fathers funeral and be like hipocrites. This was a emotional honest moment.

left mid-service during the prayer, very conspicuously. I felt it was very disrespectful to my mother, regardless of how daughter felt about my father.

I have to say that i think she is torns between her own feelings for her grand father and her feelings for you. You stayed and she went. She was confused

and not judgmentally, just said) to daughter was that perhaps it would have been better if they had skipped the service and just come to the house, rather than leave in the middle of service

I think you acted emotional here. Just a though - Don't kill me for being honest. I think deep down you maybe felt you should have gone on the one hand, but as we both know what happened you were emotionally honest with yourself. Maybe you were also torn??
You said

I felt it was very disrespectful to my mother, regardless of how daughter felt about my father.

Whidbey - Again just a thought

Maybe you felt you were being disrespectful towards your mother for not attending the funeral and when your daughter left mid service it triggered a whole lot of emotions in you. I COULD BE WRONG

I am sooo sorry she just left. Just like that. I think she is trying to find herself emotionally. She will be back

ALL MY LOVE

((((((((((((Garfield))))))))))))

February 27, 2006
1:47 pm
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whidbey
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Garfield, much to think about with your post. Thanks so much. Have to work right now (end of pay period rush), but will respond more later when I have time. Thanks for the hugs. Much needed today. 🙂

February 27, 2006
2:35 pm
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garfield9547
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Whidbey

Tomorrow is financial year end for us. Will be very busy.

I had to talk from the heart tonight.

I am the daughter of a N father as you know.

I broke all emotional and enmeshed relationship with my mother for my own good.

I realy feel for you. Your post just hit home for me and so much of myself came out.

I have never replied in such a way personally than I did just now.

Thanks for the thread.

I will talk to you later.

All my love

And a trillion hugs

((((((((((((((Garfield)))))))))))))))

February 27, 2006
6:25 pm
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lollipop3
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(((Whidbey))),

I'm sorry that you are having a hard time right now.

I'm afraid that my first thought was the same as yours about the husband isolating her. I could be wrong of course, but that was my first thought.

Even if that is the case, unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to change that. The only thing you can do is to be there for her when she comes back to you. And one way or the other, I'm sure she will at some point.

I also agree that you need to let go of the guilt. I know that you say that you have but seeing you trying to defend yourself tells me different.

You cannot change the past. You did the best you could with what you knew at that time. That is all anyone could have asked of you. We have all made mistakes and looking back wish we had done things differently. Hindsight IS 20/20.

All you can do right now is to be gentle with yourself. Rally some support for yourself. Whether it be friends, family, a support group, church, this site or a combination of all of the above.

Just please don't beat yourself up. You are too good for that.

Take care,
Lolli

February 27, 2006
6:42 pm
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whidbey
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Thanks so much Garfield and Lolli. Don't know what I would do without this site to vent.

Garfield,

No, I had no torn feelings about not going to the funeral. My mom and I discussed it, and we were both fine with it. I honestly could not have sat through two services (graveside and church) listening to, well, whatever. Mom totally got that and was very supportive of me, as I have been of her. As to what my daughter thought about me not being there, I dunno.

I suppose I do carry some guilt about the past; thought I had gotten over it, but daughter's treatment kind of threw me back, I suppose.

I would imagine my daughter did have to be strong growing up. There just wasn't much choice.

The thing that makes me wonder about her husband was that she and I were fine, until he made a nasty comment to me, through her, regarding interest on a school loan that I was still paying for her massage therapy courses (and then chose not to pursue that career). I had told her that if she chose not to do that, after all the money borrowed, that she could repay the loan. Originally, I had said I would give them the equivalent of the interest credit I got on income taxes, but financial stuff came up with my house, and I was unable (we were only talking about $200 here, and they made, between them twice as much as I did). I discussed it with her and explained. Then a week later I got a phone call from her, with him in the background saying that they wouldn't help me out with some house stuff since I went back on my word, and that I was trying to avoid discussion of the matter at all. I reiterated that I was the one who brought the issue to the table for discussion, etc. It just got ugly after that on their part. That seemed to blow over a bit, but then she just withdrew, and the rest, as they say, is history.

I know that even if that is what he is doing, there's nothing I can, or should, do. It's her life to live.

I was just having an emotional meltdown this morning, thinking of it all, and now she is so very far away.

Thanks for all your support, everyone. It has meant a lot. 🙂

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