Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
My Heart Has Been Broken All Over Again...PreciousG
March 20, 2009
4:14 pm
Avatar
PreciousG
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I was in a 14 year relationship that ended 61/2 months ago. I cut off all contact with him and with his parents. I had a very close and dear relationship with his parents from day one.

Suffice it to say the relationship has been/was a relationshipo that has gone back and forth for sometime. For some reason or another one us would contact the other. Each time the relationship would continue. From the beginning he wanted to get married and I did not. We were both entering grad school, moving away from home for the first time ect, ect, ect. thus I thought it wise to wait. However, throughout the relationship marriage and children were always discussed. That was our goal, so I thought, so I was led to believe. Anyway, as you can imagine there was many trials and trubulations throught theis 14 year relationship. I did, however, strongly, with all my heart believed that we would always be together. I just couldn't and still have a very difficult imaginaing a live without my Bestest Friend. That his how he referred to us.

When I thought that we were really going to break up for good on May 2007 I let him know at that time that I would not be able to continue to have a relationship with his parents if he was seeing someone else. Firstly, it would be too painful for me and secondly, I do not think that it is fair to the new girl in his life. I know that I would not appreciate it if I was in a new relationship and my new BF's Mother/Parents were to have contact with his EX. Unless, of course they had children then that is an entirely different story.

I have had no contact with his Mother since May 2007, besides a postcard from her travels. She left the country threee days before my Mother died. She and I had been speaking on a regular basis for the past 2 years prior to my Mother's death. However, his Father did come to my Mother's funeral in June of 2007 and I did have a couple of conversations after that.

As I said I above I have no contact with him in over 6 months. The last time I spoke with him was the point in which I hit rock bottom. In that conversation he still professed to loving me, being in-love with me all the while he is now in a new relationship. We had met breifly prior to this conversation and spend the aafternoon together, and 2 nights in a row on the phone over 5 hours each time. He even asked me to go shopping with him something that we always did when he was in town or we were in town together. It wasn't until the last conversationt htat I learned that he was infact seeing someone. He said that he was going to have a very difficult time returning to his town and had a lot to think about. He asid that we could not continue to talk when he returned home as he was with someone else. With that I was livid. He had completely, led me on.

Anyway, he had agreed to testify at a hearing for me nad we did have to have contact only for that reason. He said that he had told the new girl what was going on and that everything was on the up and up. However, I was not to call but e-mail him and he would call me back. See what ended up happening ewas that we would talk about the hearing and then that would lead to a longer conversation each time. With him agreeing that he could not let me go and that he so enjoyed our conversations. But, I had to e-mail him and he would call be back. I said if everything was on the up and up as you say that would not be necessary to which he had no reply or I can't remember his reply either way I was not going down that road, not for anybody. I did ask him if I could contact him later to discuss the ending of the relatinship as I was confused and needed some clarification, so I thought. Anyway, he was more than agreeable to that. Which brings me to me hitting my rock bottom.

Following that conversation I was a reck. But I came to my senses and resolved that I would nolonger be lied to and mistreatrd nor would I be the other woman after being with him for 14 years. Furhtermore, I was not about to be ugly or mistreat the new girl, not my style, goes against my PERSONAL CODE OF HONOR!. SOOOO, I decided then and there to have no caontact and I have honored it. The only contact that was made was via e-mail with to inform him of the court date and that was it. HAHAHAHA! just kidding he would e-mail me back and telling what was going on with him. I knew that he was just trying to lure me back in and I didn't fall for it. He evven sent me an e-mail telling me thathe did not forget the court date nor the talk that we were going to have. See the thing about that e-mail is that the time had come and gone for the date we set to talk. Yet, he e-mails me to tell me that he would call me when I had said that I would e-mail him and he would call me back. I did nlt respond. Then another e-mail was sent after I had e-mailed that the date had been moved yet again and I got another e-mail form him talking about his house, his parents, and the cat that I had choosen and named had been killed by a car. Again I did not respond. Oh also, each time we spoke or e-mailed he would tell me his mom said hello and that his parents loved me and that they would help me in any possible.

Now, if you are still with me I can't tell you how much this means to me.

Anyway, like I said I have not heard form his mother in over 2.5 years. SHe never contacted me after y mother died. She would tell him that she tried to call from over seas but was having trouble with the phone. She couldn't call cell phones only land lines. Well, I provided a land line number for her yet still never heard form her. I asked my why that was and he said that was between the two of us. So I justed assumed that she wasn't calling becasue he was seeing someone. Well, theis entire time until July 08 he denied seeing anyone else.

Now, it is March 09 and low and behold his Mother called. I spoke with my therapist and reluctantly decided that I woul call her back. See, I didn't jump to call her as I probably would have 2-3 months ago. Well, we spoke and then decided to meet. We did and had a very enteresting conversation.

Basically he is seing someone but his parents can't stand her, he knows how they feel, ect. She says that it is not a relationship but he is seeing someone. Anyway, during the convo I leaned that she thought that we were just friends since 04 when I moved back home to work and take care of my mother. I decided that I would explain the situation to her and she was completely shocked. I let her know that I was concerned why she was contacting me after 6 months of no contact with him and she said that she thought that we were friends and that I had moved on and was long past everything.

She said that he says that this new girl causes him no stress, makes no demands on him, and does not contradict him. I would like to know what you all think of this, what this means to you.

She has said that she had no agenda when contacting me that she did so becasue we are friends and was worried about me. Now what she also said is that she tried to call my home phone which ahs been disconnected for 3.5 years now. I asked her why she had not tried the cell and she said something to the effect that she thought that the area code was not good, correct something, it made no sense to me. I even asked her if she tried to call me form over seas and she said that she can't remember. SHe said again that she couldn't call cells and I said that she had my sister's number did she try? What about e-mail? Again why now I said? SHe says there was no agenda, we are fiends that's all. Sounds fishy to me, what do ya'll say?

To be very clear I did not bring up my ex she did. I took the opportunity to let her know that that I was not comfortable continuing a relatinship with her/them if he was in a relationship with someone. She said that was rediculous who cares about them and even if he was to get married and have children we always remain friends. It didn't matter waht he said. SHe also said that she did tell him that she spoke with me and that wwe were getting together. SHe said that he just asked if we spoke for long. She said that she took that to mean that he wanted to know if we spoke about him.

I spoke with her yesterday. She brought him again. It was his birthday. She said that she had not spoken to him in serveral days and that she ahd tried unseccessfuly to reach him beginning at 6-7pm on tues until after midnight wed. morning. She treid Wed. morning and still no answer. I thingking lady you know where he is, for heavens sake the girl lives across the street in his apartments that he owns. DUH! But I kept mouth shut all the while just dying on the inside. She said he called later that day and left a message that he had been sleeping and didn't hear the phone and that hse believed him. I am just dying here I just want scream and cry at this point! I am like killa ya killin me here!

Now, my concern is that she has contacted me to reunite us, break-up the current relatinship ect. I am just not convienced that it is really all on the up and up here as she says.

I would really appreciate it you all could give me some feedback about what you might see going on here. And of course about the statement that he made about no stress, demands, and she doesn't contradict him.

Thank you whomever has read this post. I am just having a very, very, difficult hurtful time and desparately need to talk about this.

I apologize for any typos, mis-spellings ect.

March 20, 2009
4:27 pm
Avatar
.
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 49
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Wow Precious. I am sorry you are having trouble with this.

I would almost see what happens as a friendship with her, but request her not to speak about him. Keep it on a friendship basis with her and that is all. You both seem to have had a good relationship minus the no contact time.

I can see how you think that she could be using you to break them up. But a lot of things could happen. Now if you see it forsure perhaps say well I told you I didn't want anything to do with your son, you did not respect that. While I have a nice time talking to you I can no longer do that since you didn't respect my wishes.

Did you talk about your therapist about this?

March 20, 2009
4:31 pm
Avatar
PreciousG
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks Billy,

I did talk to my therapist and she has encouraged me to continue to talk with her and see where things go.

What is bothering me is that I know that I do not have closure with him and the way that he chose to handle this and probably never will. It was like going through the break-up all over again and finding out stuff about him and it just brought up so much pain and I just can't stand it.

March 20, 2009
4:39 pm
Avatar
.
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 49
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I would have to agree with your therapist as far as letting it play out. Maybe she is genuine in her words and actions. Now if her actions and stuff gets to that point then I think it is time to let it go.

I am sorry you are experiencing break up pain again. Someone people do not know How to respect the other person even if you are breaking up.

March 20, 2009
6:50 pm
Avatar
sexychoclady
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 2
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Precious i think you should let the whole think go. He is playing games. And who has time to figure out where his mother is coming from. Why prolong what you need to day for you. If he was serious he don't have to make a date to tell you why yall relationship ended. Sounds to me he want his cake and eat it too. Meanwhile at your expense of getting better. At the end of the day you got to do what you need for you.I be will to bet what he has to say about why the relationship ended is still not gonna make sense to you.Allow your self to heal..keep it movin.. Bump him!!!

March 20, 2009
8:31 pm
Avatar
82hopetoheal
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Precious,

I'm so sorry you are going through all of this pain. My heart goes out to you. I truly teared up reading your post. A lot of what you are going through mirrors my own situation and I know how painful it is. My breakup is still fairly fresh (2 months ago) and my exg is also seeing someone. She said something similar to what your ex said.

She said she is happier with him because he is ok with her socially unexeptable behavior, or at least doesn't try to stop it or change her.

That hurt a lot for me. I know that my ex and I both have issues and it hurt that she moved on so quickly, broke our future plans (also the kids and marriage thing), and said it would simply be easier to start anew than to fix things with me.

This is the statement that I always come back to, and it helps me make sense of everything. I hope it may help you to.

This is how our ex's think--I'm willing to bet your ex has Narcissistic characteristics? They do not want to change, are not willing to change, because they do not see that there is anything wrong with them.

It is tough to get caught in this, especially when you truly care for the person and you realize that they do care for you.

I always come back to that though. She said it plain as day. It would be EASIER. That is the key. Life is for living and they take the easy way rather than confront their demons.

You already have a huge step up on your ex here--although I realize this isn't a compitition. YOu are willing to change, are seeking help, and realize that you have problems.

Let yourself feel the pain, but try not to let it influence your behavior. It sounds like you are doing well with this.

I know deep down that I am not a victim, that my exg is simply confused and sick and that no matter what I do, I cannot change her. That helps me towards forgiving her and forgiving myself.

I am not there yet. I still have negative feelings towards her and am bitter and resentful. I allow myself to feel these things as well and try not to judge myself or her.

I hope that there is hope for us and I truly believe that there is. You already know what you have to do just like I do. It is following through that is the problem.

What hurts the most is that we are not that different from our exs. We chose to hold on to the negative emotions rather than let them go and face our lives alone. It is fear of ourselves that drives the behavior.

I know if I didn't have this fear I could forgive her and realize she is sick, and move on. Its a slow and painful process. I really have appreciated your advice and feedback in my posts, I hope this rambling of mine helps a little.

CAVEAT!

I wasn't trying to be opinionated or assume I know what you are going through. If I made an assumption it certainly could be wrong and not reflect you or what you are going through at all.

Wishing you well,

82

March 21, 2009
8:03 am
Avatar
autumn128
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

(((((Precious)))))

Oh honey, I am so sorry you are hurting. Damn.

I think that his mother really didn't have an agenda to get you two back together. I just think that she likes you, and doesn't like his new girlfriend. I think if she danced around some of your questions, It proabably was because she was trying to protect her son. Maybe she thought he had lied to you and she didn't want to contradict some of his stories to you.

I think in her mind she would rather have you in his life than her, but it is what it is.

The reality of this situation in my opinion, is that all of how you feel is not about his mother. It's about him. From what you have posted in this thread, I think your ex loves you and you still love him. For whatever the reasons are, you are not together though. I think your ex tries to stay in contact with you simply because he wants you around.

His mothers comment about what he said about his current girlfriend, is his justification for staying with her. In my opinion.

Precious, I think that if you want to move on with your life, It's probably best to have no contact with him AND his family. I know that stinks, because you obviously have a relationship with his mom, and she likes you too. But, if you are really going to move on with your life, then you need to have no contact with all of them.

Again, I am sorry for your pain.

Autumn

March 22, 2009
3:13 pm
Avatar
82hopetoheal
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I hope you are feeling a little better today Precious!

82

March 22, 2009
4:39 pm
Avatar
CAMER
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 100
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

more comforting ((((Hugs)))) for precious!!

March 22, 2009
4:50 pm
Avatar
PreciousG
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thank you everyone for reading this long post taking the time to so kindly and honestly reply.

I am sorry that I have not responded sooner. I have had a very difficult time concentrating and hurt so much.

I truly appreciate and value each reply and hug.

When I am feeling better and able to concentrate I will write more.

Thank all so much for caring to read and reply.

PreciousG

April 8, 2009
2:50 am
Avatar
suzieQ_85
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

dear precious, what a situation!
first of all, the thing about no-demands no-stress etc:the new girl is submissive and let's him be the bigger person.
from what i've seen of you, u believe you are a strong, feisty woman. She is not, it's easier. He can dominate her.

As for the mom: if i were you, i'd keep the contact light. You can talk to her SOMETIMES but this is too hard. Whether she wants to break them up(which is not a nice thing for a mother, no matter what the new girl is like) or not, it will only hurt you. Like with his birthday, you said you were dying inside... don't let that happen!!! if you talk to her, dont let her talk about him or stop talking to her at all!!
love suzie

April 9, 2009
4:15 pm
Avatar
PreciousG
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thank you SuzieQ for taking the time to read my thread in the mist of all your worries. This really means a lot to me.

When his Mom told me that he said that she doesn't stress him out ect. it sort spooked me out a little. My red flag was standing at attention. The part about her not contradicting him really spooked me. I mean what the heck is that? Sounds like a pretty boring relationship if ak me.

If he is referring to me stressing him out, making demands and contradicting him I sort of take that as a compliment. I can be a strong person and he couldn't take it. On the other hand it saddens me to think that I stressed him out.

You are correct. Towards the end of the relationship I really began speaking my mind and expressing my true feelings. I was also calling him on more than I had in the past. Also, he was nolonger the center of the universe. And he tried to punish me in many ways.

I havethe feeling that his mom was trying to get us back together. However, once I told her how he handled the break-up and some other situation troughout the relationship I think she relaized that perhaps it wasn't the best time to try and reunite the two of us. I mean there are a couple of statements the at she made that I think support this.

Firstly, she claims that she thought that we were only friends since 2004 Yet she asked my EX in 2005 if I was going to leave him for my Best Friend.

Secondly, if my EX and I were just friends why wait so long to contact me after my Mother's death? I have not spoken with her since 2007. We had been speaking regularly for over a year and she left the country just before my Mother died and I didn't hear from her for over 1.5 years and unitl 6-7 months after we broke up.

Something smells fishy to me! She was so sweet though. She kept appologizing for him and saying that she had no idea that all this had happened.

Suzie I do not know. I am so confused. I love this family so much. I considered them my fmily. We all were so close. Some days I have the most difficult time imagianing the rest of my life without him or his parents. I mean really I cna;t wrap my head around that.

Don't get me wrong I would never go along with any plan/agenda, if there was ont to break up that relationship he is in now. Not my style at all. But i have to honset and admit that I sort of hoped tah was why she was contacting me.

End the end I only agreed to have contact with her because she assured me that the relationship was well, as she put not a relationship and he knew about her contacting me. If i knew that he was in a serious relationship I would be running foor the hills. I have waaaay more respect for myself and him than to have contact with the parents in that type of situtation. She didn't get that. But oh well that is my boundaries not hers. Right?

I will be even more honest and tell you that because I am haviong such a difficult time letting go my therapist ahs suggested that I contact him and talk with him to see if there is any tyoe of future for us. On the one hand I think that she is crazy! On the other as I said be fore I can't wrap my head around the idea that he will never be in my life again. It jsut doesn't amke any sense to me what so ever!

I know you must think that I am totaly nutz! BUt I miss him so much sometimes. I mean obviously not the crazy yuking junk but the really person that I know him to be.

There I said it. I have to be hinest if I am ever goignto work this out. UGHHHH! I AM SO CONFUSED!!!!!!

HELP ME!!!!

Sorry, I haven't even asked about you. How rude is that?! How are you feeling today? Any contact today? How is studying going?

Thank you for reading my vent! I really appreciate you taking the time read my thread.

Good Luck with all your exams! :0)

((((SuzieQ)))

PreciosuG

April 9, 2009
4:58 pm
Avatar
Terriberry
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

(( PG )))

I missed your thread.. can you tell me the name of it...?

tb

April 9, 2009
6:26 pm
Avatar
PreciousG
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

It's this thread. Just click view all posts and you can read the first post.

(((tb)))

April 10, 2009
3:35 am
Avatar
suzieQ_85
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Dear precious.

You are not crazy, i understand your feeling.

I had the same thing. We were apart for months but i couldnt let go of him.

You can talk to him, of course, but there are a couple of BUTS

1.) he treated you bad once you started being strong-willed and calling on him
2.) he is in a relationship, no matter how shitty or meaningless
3.) he is in a relationship with her because she doesnt talk back, makes no demands and doesn't contradict him. You will do that, AND YOU SHOULD.

And the right guy for you will appreciate that and respect that because it's YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Of course, easy to say, hard to actually live by.

and i sure know that!

yes we have had contact.... im gonna find a counselor on monday withb a friend because i dont kinow how to break it off.
love suzie

April 10, 2009
12:54 pm
Avatar
PreciousG
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Suzie,

I know you are right. I am just so frustrated and confused. Today is starting of really tough.

I am trying to stay focused om my race tomorrow. I am running in a race that I have been wanting to run in for so many years but was unable to because of one reason or another. It is a 10k race. I can hardly wait.

In regards you breaking off the relationship you just have to cut all contact. It is as simple and as difficult as that. You just have to find that place in you that clearly sees and feels that enough is enough and I deserve better and I can't continue to but my life a t risk any longer.

You say how do I not call him, how do I not respond when he contacts me? Well, you just don't call, or respond period end of story. I remember that was my friends reply when I asked how do I not call et? He just said "you just don't call"! I was like wow ok I see what you're saying. I have the control. So do you Suzie. You have the control and power. It is within you.

I think that you have to search yourself and the question "what is the urger, the longing, the I must talk to him or see him? What is that that makes me keeps gnawing at me saying I can't do this I have to talk to him I have to see him. When you can answer that TRUTHFULY then you can break it off.

You can do this. It is within your power and control to do this.

Believe me I know the feeling. Thing of it is that feeling has nothing whatsoever to do with him and liking him, loving him or anything like that. It has everything to do with the emptyness in your gut your soul that only you can fill.

I hope that you are having a peaceful day and have a beautiful weekend.

Love,
PreciousG

April 12, 2009
1:56 am
Avatar
sunshine88
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: 1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi preciousG, hugs to you. am busy today, so i couldn't read your thread from the start. but i will find some time to read it, so i could say something to help. for now, hugs to you!

April 12, 2009
1:26 pm
Avatar
PreciousG
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Aww Sunshine, that is so sweet and kind of. You will never know how much this means.

Looking forward to your insight.

((((Sunshine))))

PReciousG

April 12, 2009
1:33 pm
Avatar
marypoppins
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 4
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

((((PreciousG))))

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 247
Currently Online:
45
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110907
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38534
Posts: 714189
Newest Members:
819Zeed, odin83, sendlv, ViolentFighterBrownCaveman, kbrfDazy, traceyob69
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer