Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
My Gift - Thank You from Sakti
January 8, 2007
2:56 pm
Avatar
gayle
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Satki
You are most welcome!
Gayle

January 9, 2007
2:43 am
Avatar
turnabout
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

So, Sakti, are you thinking that trying to keep the EX separate from you on the Christmas holiday, among other things, ...basically trying to change and control how she could come into your life ... was your way of emotionally denying she has any role in your life at all?

January 9, 2007
7:07 am
Avatar
Sakti
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

No, The only thing I know for sure is she is the mother of my hushand's children and this is the only thing I will propabaly ever recognize her as.

Sakti wrote: I want to control the emotional attachment my husband and his EX wife still have.

I miss wrote this statement. She is IMO is still emotionaly attached to him, this attachment has nothing to do with the children. When she use to call she would discuss her personal life with him - remember from the other post. She would talk to him about her BF, her job, her car not running, her new dog was lost, her upcoming surgery. Do you believe this is normal?

Sakti

January 9, 2007
2:07 pm
Avatar
Sakti
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Turn,

I responded real early this morning. I'm not quite sure I understand. I know that when he was talking with her about her personal life it was taking away from our emotional conversations, because he would talk to me about her.

I'm tired Turn, extremely tired. I'm trying to get to that place of acceptance which will bring me peace. I believe I have at least pealed off a couple of layers and need to take a break. "Little" Sakti is still writing.

I went to a meeting last night, which helped a lot, because there are so many others that suffer with the disease of addiction that can't stay clean. I'm grateful, that I have the tools to stay clean, deal with my issues, a sponsor, turnabout 🙂 and this site.

What role does she have in my life other than the mother of my step-children?

Confused and tired,
Sakti

January 9, 2007
3:12 pm
Avatar
taj64
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Ya know some ex's can be friends. They really can! I would think that since she is comfortable with talking to him and he is comfortable with it then all would be ok but you are not and that is a really tough situation.

In your life, she doesn't have much role to play in it, but in your husband's life, she does. How is going to set the tone for the rest of the family, the children, putting yourself in this estrangement if you choose to cut all ties even if it is your choice? I would think you are making it awfully uncomfortable for all those involved but perfectly comfortable for you.

I will give you my situation for example. My ex lives with his girlfriend. No they are not married but they have been living together for over 5 years. His girlfriend, though I did make an attempt to have a friendship with her when I first met her, I have no ill intentions towards her, even was happy he was with someone else, she made it very clear to totally separate herself from me from the very beginning. She refuses to step foot in my house. She was very upset to learn when I moved to the same town as them as I moved so that the kids could be closer to their dad and see him more. I had absolutely no intention of being in the middle of them as that was her fear. I moved for the kids and the kids only. Despite the fact my ex and my kids live closer they see each other less and less. Why? Because of his girlfriend. She makes them feel uncomfortable. My kids don't like her because she does not like me and she makes it very clear to everyone that she does not like me. And I have never even had a conversation with her - not one. My ex just says that she is a little possessive and he excuses it that way, that she is jealous of me, but I say it is just plain rude to have bad feelings for someone you have never really talked to on a personal level, woman to woman, friend to friend. I am quite envious when I see other divorced couples get long with ex's partners. That is the ideal situation.

The awkwardness does not just affect you and your relationship but it affect the relationship that a husband and an ex how they deal with their kids. My ex's girlfriend refuses for him to speak to me as Im the ex. I no longer have any role at all not even comfortable around her yet we have never actually had a conversation. It was not me that wanted it this way. This is his girlfriend trying to control her partner because of being insecure. I personally would have like to been friends with her, for all of us to get along. I thought it would have been nice. At the kids' football games, it was embarrasing because they would always make a point of sitting the opposite end of the field. I found it hurtful. I think it is a shame when others cannot just be civil and do things for the kid's sake. Afterall they spend most of their time together and little time with the kids so why not just make the best of it for a short period of time?

Xmas in my house this year, the kids did not spend xmas with the ex. They did not want to go to his house because of her. And my ex does not do anything about it so as to keep the peace. She was not hurt by it. And I was a bit peeved by it, but who got hurt by all this, the kids. It is not fair to them.

See what I am saying? Overall you could be hurting others for the sake of having nothing to do with a person because it is your choice and that is your right to do that of course but seeing the whole picture might help you somewhat.

Are you distancing yourself from her because she has done something wrong to you personally or intentionally or just doesn't know any better? I see her being open about it and maybe she just needs to back off a bit from being too personal with him about her problems. I realize you are tired and hopefully not from this situation as I am wondering if it is worth all this stress.

But these are just things to think about for the future. I know every situation is different but I do see similarities. The difference I see is that my ex's girlfriend does not quite have a gentle nature as you do. And she does not want to come up with a solution nor will there be a time for an opportunity.

In my own personal view I see my ex's girlfriend as I see her as sabotagoing and interfering in the parent/children relationship and sets a bad example. And if and big if, if I ever get married, I would want my partner to get along with my ex. Not perfectly but it can work if everyone allows it to. It causes too much strain otherwise. And I also wonder too if she will let loose of her rope if I do ever get a partner so that her insecurities will be lifted. But my kids will be a lot older and out of the nest by then and it will be too late.

Good luck as I see you really want the best outcome and are very brave to seek the answers and acceptance. I admire you so much as I wish my ex could feel this way.

January 9, 2007
7:15 pm
Avatar
Sakti
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Thanks for posting taj64!

You wrote: I would think you are making it awfully uncomfortable for all those involved but perfectly comfortable for you.

Sakti wrote: I disagree. I'm not making it uncomfortable for anyone. For me to make this situation uncomfortable there would have to be action from me which would produce this feeling. I was loving and kind towards the children (they stayed at our home during X-mas) and cordial towards the EX and I don't talk about the EX in front of the kids.

taj64 wrote: Despite the fact my EX and my kids live closer they see each other less and less. Why? Because of his girlfriend.

Sakti wrote: I have a lot of compassion for the children in this situation. Have you ever thought that your EX has a choice to see his children or not, with our without the GF's permission. I have a hard time seeing that it is totally the girlfriend's "error". Can you help me see this clearer?

taj64 wrote: Are you distancing yourself from her because she has done something wrong to you personally or intentionally or just doesn't know any better? IMO her behavior on some occasions is unacceptable, but she just doesn't know any better and on top of that she is an addict in active addiction and I choose not to be around anyone that is using. She has not done anything to me personally.

You know, it is no longer about her and hasn't been for a while now, it is all about me and my issue.

Thank you for sharing your situation with me. It is an honor.

Blessing,
Sakti

January 9, 2007
7:35 pm
Avatar
taj64
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

In an answer to your question, in order to please his girlfriend as she feels threatened, he has kept his distance since they have been together. They see their dad once and while but no they are not close. I have tried to talk to him but he does this as to respect her wishes. It is sad but I try to tell not to blame her in front of them and to try to accept their dad the way he is, fault and all, the fact that he does not do as much as he should. My ex does not have any backbone, he never did and he does not stand up, and nor did he ever have good communication so I doubt it is any better with her than it was with me. A leopard does not always change his spots with a new partner. Im just glad the holidays are over.

As for you, you are not responsible for her behavior nor is your husband. He should stand up to it. And he should let go. And she needs to get a life for herself. You seem awfully spiritual and also sensitive. Perhaps write a nice letter to her explaining your feelings. And maybe she will honor you more than what she is doing. I hope something gets resolved for you. I know it weighs heavily for you. And everything you seem to be doing is getting you that much closer to putting this behind you. Good luck, I happen to think you are doing great.

January 10, 2007
12:55 pm
Avatar
Sakti
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

During holidays when I was young our family had a lot of traditions, right down to the bowl my “Granny” fixed the cornbread in. I can remember those times and the feeling of belonging and well-being long after the event was over. Those traditions acted as glue helping our family stay connected and strong. It gave us something to look forward to and a lot of happiness. Since my parents moved from AL to TN, those traditions were lost. My mother and father were self-involved (no blame). I wasn’t married long enough to establish or be a part of my husband’s family traditions. A couple of years after my divorce I became addicted to drugs. Needless to say my mother, father, son, daughter or I didn’t make an effort to establish family holiday traditions of our own. Now, I have dinner with my father and step-mother the week before Xmas and my son, daughter, granddaughter, I and husband met on December 26.

I have truly wanted to understand and have made a lot of progress discovering my issues with the EX.

The EX is completely estranged from her family and my husband’s family is all she has during the holidays. She has been at he parents home every Xmas for 20 years. The reason God didn’t make a way for my husband to speak with her about spending every other Xmas with his family, is because God knew I would understand one day and I do.

Love never excludes anyone, nor should I in this case. I may or may not go to Xmas at my husband’s parent’s home next year, but I will not have a problem if he does. It is a very special time of year for him. I swear he turned into a little boy for a few weeks.

As for my husband and I, we can make our own family traditions. It will be part of what binds our family together for generations to come now that we are married.

I can’t tell you how grateful I am that I didn’t hurt anyone from baggage I still carry from childhood wounds.

Blessing,
Sakti

January 11, 2007
8:56 am
Avatar
Sakti
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I have made an appointment with my LCSW. I feel like I've missed something, which is probably a fact that my husband is not supporting me by making excusses for the EX's behavior.

Sakti

January 11, 2007
11:12 pm
Avatar
turnabout
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I don't know why I keep missing posts from you, Sakti. I saw your last ones when posted, I think, but your second one on the 9th got past me somehow. Why does that keep happening??

Anyway.

20 years!!! I had no idea she'd been "hanging out" with the fam that long... every year... Yeah, I can sympathize a bit with the family on that one. It's kind of hard after 20 years to suddenly say "Sorry. You need to make other arrangements this year." You're the new wife on the block, still yet to find your place in all the personalities.

Sounds like you signed on for something before you knew fully what you were in for?

But there's always a way to adapt. I know you're tired of not feeling supported and understood by your husband and his family. That is BOUND to be frustrating. Just remember that focusing on what they're doing wrong to create your frustration will only run you in circles. When tempted to do that, turn questions about what you're feeling back on yourself ... what you need and what your options are. That's the only way to reach real resolution.

January 15, 2007
12:33 pm
Avatar
Sakti
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

I’m frustrated with my husband when I expressed my feelings about his 1st family’s picture hanging on the wall at his parents home, as well as his EX attending Christmas at his parents, his response to me expressing my feelings was defensive and it was hurtful.

I’m frustrated with my husband making excuses for the talk your mother had with your EX before Christmas.

I feel guilty I had the conversation with your parents when you say your parents wanted a peaceful Xmas, they don’t have many more left and YOU want to make the remaining Xmas’s the best they can be. All I did was express my feelings about the Ex.’s attendance there. At the time I spoke to them, they never said anything about her attending being a tradition, that she had been their most of the time during the past 20 years. They said it was about your children being there.

I feel when you say these things you are manipulating me.

I’m frustrated with you making excuses for the Ex.’s behavior when it is inappropriate. Like her impromptu visit at the hotel.

I feel you haven’t been supportive of my feelings in either situation. My feelings were totally ignored and it is hurtful.

BTY – when I talked to hubby on Thursday night. I told him I had finally reached a place of compassion for the EX and I would be OK with her visiting anytime (other than in our home). I did not say that I would continue to stand firm on my choice to be around her during these times. After all I’m sure this will depend on my spiritual condition. I did tell him that I needed him not to make excuses for her behavior. I feel certain that when I do point out her behavior he believes that it is a reflection on him because he was married to her for 10 years.

We agreed to disagree. He says it is my place to talk with her not his, about any of her behavior. I feel certain this stems from his fear, guilt and the inability to move out of his comfort zone. So, I’ve decide for the time being I will let her know when she has crossed a boundary with us. Hoping that one day he will be able too.

She called last night and again talked to him about her personal life with BF. Too Much Information for me. My husband and I have talked about boundaries in this area, knowing her personal business. He has asked her not to include personal information in their conversations, but when nothing changes, nothing changes. She is unable to keep a boundary someone has set with her and my husband is unable to determine that she has crossed one.

Whatever!

Turnabout - LCSW stands for Licensed Clinical Social Worker.

Still tired and frustrated dealing with my issues…
Sakti

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
22
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 110976
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38561
Posts: 714260
Newest Members:
nina1985, February, lisabaker, robertwalker, Why.., Why.
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information