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My Fun Situation
May 22, 2001
6:17 pm
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Anonymous
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My son's father have walked out of his life when he was 8 months old. He is now 9 years old and he hasn't face up to being a father to his son. He has 3 children by someone else and has been their life since birth. I feel so angry and hurt because my son is going through an emotional battle with himself and he is crying out for his father but he don't want to step up.His family is running around believing the lies that my baby father is telling and now no one wants to be bother with my son. They keep bugging me to get a blood test so he can take care of his son. But what am i proving by doing that. Please someone help me.

May 22, 2001
9:09 pm
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lover2000
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Tell your son what a deadbeat his father is. Let him know that you love him and always will. I would suggest getting him in some programs (e.g. the YMCA or Sports) where there are positive male role models. More importantly, show him the love he needs and be there for him where his father's not. Take care of yourself, I feel your pain, but I'm sure it'll work out. Write again and let me know if any of my suggestions worked.

May 22, 2001
10:12 pm
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Molly
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He is better off with out them, or him. How did he find out about his father? With a blood test, you can force financial support through the courts, but it still won't make a man a man. As he gets older he will seek male bonding, do you have a father, brother, uncle, or close friend that you trust that can bond with him? Other than that, you must get past the anger of the situation, and love him twice as much.

May 23, 2001
3:25 pm
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Anonymous
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I HAVE NO ANSWER FOR WHAT YOU CAN DO, BUT I UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU ARE GOING THROUGH. I HAVE A SON WITH A MAN WHO HAS A DAUGHTER WITH SOMEONE ELSE. HE IS ALWAYS THERE FOR HER AND TREATS HER WITH SO MUCH RESPECT, BUT WHEN IT COMES TO OUR SON, HE IS HARDLY THERE. HE SPENDS HIS DAYS WORRYING ABOUT WHAT HE AND HIS DAUGHTER NEED OR WANT. MY SON AND I ONLY EXIST WHEN HIS DAUGHTER IS AT HER MOTHER'S HOUSE. IT HAS GOTTEN VERY BAD. WHEN I LET HIM KNOW WHAT I AM FEELING HE TELLS ME THAT HE IS TIRED OF ME TELLING HIM WHAT TO DO, THEN HE WALKS OUT THE DOOR WITH HIS DAUGHTER AND IS GONE FOR FIVE OR SIX HOURS. THERE I AM LEFT ALONE AGAIN AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO TELL MY SON WHEN HE BEGINS TO UNDERSTAND. I DON'T REGRET HAVING TO CARE FOR MY SON ALL DAY, BUT I WISH THAT THIS MAN WOULD BE MORE CONSIDERATE ABOUT MY FEELINGS AND BE THERE FOR HIS SON. HIS FAMILY TELLS HIM THAT HE JUST HAS TO WORRY ABOUT HIS DAUGHTER WHO IS HIS AND NOT ABOUT OUR SON WHO IS NOT. THEY SAY I AM A WHORE AND A BAD INFLUENCE ON HIM AND HIS DAUGHTER AND WHATEVER IS HIS SHOULD BE FOR THEM AND MY SON SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO ANY OF IT. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO BECAUSE WE WERE SO GOOD FOR SO LONG AND SINCE OUR SON WAS BORN, EVERYTHING HAS GONE DOWN HILL. IT'S NOT MY SON'S FAULT THAT HIS FAMILY CAN'T ACCEPT US, BUT IT SHOUL NOT BE THEIR DECISION.

May 26, 2001
10:37 pm
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Anonymous
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wank him have sex with him or give other types of plessure

July 6, 2001
7:42 pm
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Bo Arthur
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Okay, folks, here comes the gut spillage:

I'm a recently married young man. I was wed to my bride, and at the time, I thought that everything would work out. She had been suffering from depression for some time, but was receiving treatment and was responding well. I thought it couldn't get any better than it seemed to be.

On our honeymoon she became ill. This continued for a good amount of time. She has hence recovered, although we are still unaware of the true cause. (I'll voice my suspicions later.)

Several months ago her feelings apparently reached a crisis point, because she left me for a short time without any notice, any discussion, any intimatino that she was THAT unhappy.

When she did that, there was a great review of my life. I read many books. I had a good friend who had suffered through similar things in her marriage give me a great many books. I poured my soul into reading books, trying to understand and rectify the ills that "I" had done to "our" marriage.

My wife took other measures. She had been introduced to a self-awareness group (don't get me started) through relatives, and went and participated at a great financial and emotional cost to our marriage.

One of the books I read was about Co-dependency. I came to realise that I was co-dependent on her, as she was on me. She seems to have been co-dependent for a long time, as I review the relationships that she has been in through the past, both with romantic interests, as well as simple roommate situations.

Same for me. I can see my codependency starting shortly after I returned from a sojourn in Europe.

_I_ am now at the crisis point. In my heart and mind, I see no value in saving the marriage apart the fact that it is comfort.

However, when we were married, we acknowledged before God that we were married by Him. I don't want to break this marriage up for that purpose. Yet, at the same time, I see no change.

I've asked her to get help for codependency, I've sought help myself. Granted, I'm not very far in my progression of healing, but I am trying. I am afraid that she does not/can not/will not recognize that she needs help.

Basically what I'm saying is this:
I'm fed up with things the way they are.
I'm tired of feeling like I'm not loved.
I'm tired of feeling that there's an enemy in my bed.
I'm tired of having a Partner in marriage and not a Companion.
I'm tired of fighting to save something by myself.
I'm tired of crisis situations cropping up at the most in-oportune times, eg the middle of a college term or semester, etc.
I'm just tired of the situation, and I want a change.
I'm tired of my wife always changing the subject to her as I try to talk with her and vent my concerns of her behaviors, of our marriage.
I'm tired of her ripping me to shreds in front of family, friends, our congregation.
I'm tired of having hers and mine, never ours.
I'm tired of feeling SEPARATE.
I feel like a roommate/manservant/slave/sexual partner. I want to feel like a husband.

I guess I don't know what I expect to receive by way of response to this, but it is nice to get it out.

Any suggestions will help.

Much thanks,

Bo Arthur

July 6, 2001
7:54 pm
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Bo Arthur
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I'm sorry...forgot to voice suspicions. Psycho-somatic illness is prevalent in her family as well as obsessive-compulsive disorder.

She (my wife) was engaged prior to being engaged to me to a man of very similar build, look, etc. In the part of the US we're in, late marriage is very rarely viewed, and there is a sort of stigma attached to it.

I fear that she married me for this purpose, saying to herself "Here's my last chance at marriage and children. If I miss it, I'll end up a spinster like Lorraine* and Elsie* (NCTPI)."

I feel that her illness which had begun a week prior to our wedding and which came full blown a matter of days after we consumated our marriage is evidence of psycho-somatic disorder...her not wanting to be married to me, feeling a great internal struggle as she fought to decide whether to call it off or go through with it.

I don't know. She changed the subject when I brought this up with her. She very often refuses to discuss anything of this nature.

My wife also has a great propensity to convince herself of things. She'll very often give me a reason, and days to weeks later give me an entirely different reason for the same action. She believes both. I feel that she likes to give me the answers that I'll find pleasing and then come out with her real motivations post mortem.

Anyway, figured I should add that important info. I sure appreciate any and all replies.

Bo Arthur

July 6, 2001
8:12 pm
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Molly
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hey bo, I hear ya. sometimes you can lead a horse to water and they just piss in the lake, know what I mean?
To bad that things are the way they are, and then we do work on our selves, and we see how really bad it is , and all that we tolorate, and have tolorated, yet I too, appreciate the commitment. Three things come to mind, one) counseling through the church, is it an option? two) Dr. Phil McGraws Relational Rescue, great book for the co-dependent on marriage, it makes you look at you, and start the work with her or with out her three)it takes more than love, sometimes we come together fueled by lust, and really don't have much in common, or change real fast, and the other doesn't have time to keep up, or doesn't go the same direction. My husband from his upbringing keeps everyone compartmentalized, its his and him, then me, not us,or our, and my children are an after thought, so I know what you are talking about, we have different attitudes, so often I am labeled judgemental, just because I have an opinion, but it makes life hard, and feelings get hurt, I often must look at things like not take it personal, he didn't do it to me, he just did it, and most of the time he doesn't even comprehend when I explain who, what when, or how he does what drives me up the wall and makes me feel like a stranger,when I am supposed to be number one, I have tried to be my commitment, and its going on 11 years, even with a 18 month seperation, we have been back together as long as we were apart, and the truth of the matter is that many things for the better have changed, but to be honest, its still marital hell. So, I don't know if you have children together and if you do then try harder, if not, I think that some where in the jist of things, God would understand that she is not being a wife.

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