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My friend is dying (Kessie)
February 18, 2005
6:22 pm
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Tumbleweed8
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I am sorry, Kessie. Please take care, okay. Hugs!

February 19, 2005
5:28 am
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Kessie
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He died on Thursday morning at about 08.45.

In the end he was in hospital . His last day was just awful. I spent the day with him. The last few days have been awful. He had an abscess which had to be dressed every day and the district nurses came in to see to it. Very painful even if it had been the only thing.

I had a job trying to persuade them to come to the house, even. They said they wouldnt come because he was agressive. He has NEVER been physically aggressive - only verbally abusive, and this is someone terminally ill! He was in such terrible pain at the end. The day before, I had asked the nurses about pain relief - I don't think they believed me when I told them how desperate he was - When he came home from hospital last week they hadnt even been informed he had advanced cirrhosis and cancer, let alone how little time he had. It beggars belief that I had to tell them - can you believe?? This is nurses from his own GP practice! (that's the local doctor, - UK)
They said his doctor had told them he could only have two paracetamol for the pain - as he was an alcoholic and was drinking.

I finally got the doctor to come on Thursday - even then the receptionist told me that it "was not their policy to allow a home visit when requested by third parties" so I told them he had asked.
When the doctor arrived at three oclock or so he still wouldnt give him anything for the pain - because he was sending him into hospital. The ambulance didnt come till after five - David was moaning and crying out, biting the sheets and the pillows, biting on his plastic bottle of water. I gave him a tumbler of vodka which helped with the pain. He was coverd in shit, bleeding from his nose and mouth - when he went to hospital it was still another couple of hours till he got any morphine because they wre busy. The vodka had worn off by then so he was desperate again. Anyway at last he was put out of the misery, and he died the next morning.


I feel so angry; angry about the treatment he has had, - not just this week but right the way along by the NHS. I'm angry that he never cared about me, never acknowledged that he needed and relied on me; angry because now he's dead his friends have swept in and taken over - these are the 'friends' who have hardly been near him for three years; and angry because I have no role at all.
At least Mrs C - his housekeeper and the only other person who devoted time to him - has some status. Ive no idea when the funeral will be. I dont even want to go. The thought of all his rich friends turning up and patronising me -( "you've been SO wonderful, Hilary" )fills me with loathing.


- I know its only grief and it will pass, - but right now I'm afraid Ive just got to say it.

February 19, 2005
6:13 am
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Kessie
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dear twinks I do wish you'd respond to this thread - (Sorry I remember our history etc.) but you're English and you know about the system and will understand. I know I havent posted here for months now but I'm feeling just desperate with all this.

February 19, 2005
11:04 am
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birdy
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Kessie,
First, I am sorry for your loss. The way your friends last day was so terrible. Sometimes health care professionals forget that an alcoholic is a patient too. Being a nurse, I can imagine your friend arriving into my emergency room in such a state and trying to manage him and many other ill patients. It sounds as though the staff forgot that he was a 'real person' and needed some relief from his suffering, but 'the system' was too slow to respond. I don't know, I wasn't there but my heart goes out to you. I wish I could fix something for you. And all of the anger that you are feeling, is very normal. I am glad that you have this web site to vent. There is so much support out there for you.
You had mentioned a bereavement web site. There are many books out there on bereavement. Remembering the renowned Kubler-Ross book on Death and Dying, there are stages that you will go through in order to come to peace with your friend's death. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Remember that it is a process, and there is resolve. The book by Kubler-Ross is a little heavy. I also have a book called, 'Surviving Grief, and learning to live again,' by Dr. Catherine Sanders. It is easier to read and is more written for someone going thry the stages of grief. I bought it a long time ago, and I am sure there are other self help books available at any good book store. It will be worth the purchase.
I am praying for you Kessie.
Birdy

February 19, 2005
12:20 pm
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Kessie
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Thank you Birdy for you response - I know how busy the healthcare professionals are - but he had come out of hospital last week and he was supposed to get home visits every day from the district nurse. This was someone with multiple problems - but when I talked to the senior nurse it transpired that although he had returned from hospital last Thursday week - they had not looked at his medical notes at all and were actually UNAWAREthat he had terminal cancer and advanced cirrhosis in addition to the perianal abscess for which he was receiving treatment. Unfortunately I was abroad for a few days and couldnt see them until Monday - when I was able to tell them of his condition. It really shouldnt be up to a friend of the patient to have to point out serious medical conditions to a nurse. Much less to futilely ask for pain relief for him and be told to give him two paracetamol. (I do not blame the nurses for that - they did ask a doctor - and that was what they were told!)

Thank you for your sympathy and advice re bereavement - I know it will all pass, but I get desperate moments. Thirteen years ago my (then)twenty one year old son commmitted suicide and I went through the same process - but in a different way.... I know this will be easier - in time

Kessie

February 19, 2005
12:37 pm
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sewunique
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kessie,

Just saying am thinking of you!!!!

And to think I think it is aborring that people down in southern Florida have to wait ah hour or two for doctor appointments while up in Wis, it was 20 minutes! Thank u for the USA, I am sorry your health care system is so difficulst to deal with. It is a real shame.

At least he did have you as an advocate, sometimes here it is a good thing to have as well.

February 19, 2005
2:35 pm
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birdy
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Kessie,
You are absolutely right. The healthcare system let you down. Can you make a formal complaint at the hospital? It will not change the problem you went thru, but perhaps it will help some other patient in the future. How can a nurse not look at a patient's history?
I did not know about your son, as I am new to this web site. I am sorry. I am a mother, and it hurts my heart just to think of it.

February 19, 2005
2:52 pm
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SweetAmanda
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Kessie

My heart goes out to you.

In the midst of your pain you still see glimmers of hope... Such a strong person you are.

(((Gentle Hugs)))

~Amanda~

February 19, 2005
3:21 pm
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Juanita
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Kessie -

My deepest condelences to you.

May you take solace in the fact that you were true to yourself and your heart. Many people cannot do that for one reason or another, and will envy you secretly. You had a gift, to give him your love, and you did wonderfully. So many people love others from afar - you were blessed to be able to share intimate time with him. He cared for you too, or you would not have been allowed in his life the way you were. Remember your fond memories of time shared together, the affection you mentioned. Do not search out an ugly or hateful feelings associated with his so-called friends creeping out of the woodwork again. Take pride you were true to yourself and him.

You live your life in a manner which will leave you no regrets - You are a loving, giving, caring woman. Were that more people that way....

God bless you & keep you. Your tender & bruised heart will heal. Good thoughts and spirits are all around you.

Juanita

February 19, 2005
8:10 pm
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Kessie
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I am SO grateful to you all. You simply have NO idea how much your messages mean to me. It is so silly - I know about bereavement, pain etc, but when it comes to the crunch - intellect is overruled by emotion.
Twinks thank you SO much for replying - it doesnt matter that you didnt know what to say you said something is what matters.
I feel incoherent at the moment. I cant say anything meaningful. just want to talk - get it all out. I just feel devastated, and alone. This site is where I can say it.
thank you all so much I know Im not makingmuch sense right now but it will get better wont it?

February 19, 2005
8:33 pm
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Kessie
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I wanted to thank everyone by name but I cant just now - I am just struggling a bit right now. Will be OK
K

February 19, 2005
8:45 pm
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Tumbleweed8
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Thinking of you and praying for you, Kessie. Please take care, okay. Hugs!

February 20, 2005
12:07 am
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sewunique
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Kessie,
I have been thinking about you and the grief you are going thru. I know this is hard and moments may seem like you do not know where to turn or how to cope with it. I hope you were able to find some grief support group to help?

You do not have to respond back, you will when you can and that is ok. At times the words may not even be there for you. But it will come in time. In the meantime, it would be nice for you to just return and visit here to read these "cards" of condolences sent to you , and reread them as a comfort to you. Later on as days pass by, it may help just to read your thread here when feeling blue and to see what you have given.

There are many stages of grief that you may go thru. How you go thru them is not any particular order and you may fluctuate back and forth and revisit some of them. A wonderful lady, Elizabeth kubler Ross spent time with talking to terminally ill patients. She wrote a book called : "Death and Dying". In it she listed stages of grieving we go thru that we go thru with loss of life or any major thing in our lives. They are: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, and Acceptance.

I might have missed one, so I will look up on the web and see what I can find.

Sew

February 20, 2005
12:14 am
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sewunique
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The 5 Stages of grieving by Elzabeth kubler-Ross are:

Denial, Bargaining, Anger, Depression and Acceptance

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