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My friend blamed me when i came to her aid
January 26, 2005
9:53 pm
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Emperorsclothes
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ok, ive had a "friend" for a bout a year and shes been in a marriage ( 2 years ) with a guy whos is on his fourth marriage ( with her ) he has kids from his previous marriages and several angry ex's.
She says im her angel and best friend although we rarely talk ( about once a month )
First of all, im hurt that she doesnt seem to want to spend any time with me although she sends me e mails and we meet for coffee occasionally where she tells me i mean so much to her and im her best friend, but it truly feels one sided.
Im, like, what the hell, how can i be your best friend? I do feel a connection with her and i do care about her. She is a struggling codependent and i can see her stuff all over the place ( having struggled with codependency myself ) She is now pregnant with her first child ( shes 36 ) with this guy shes been with for four years and married for two and im so happy for her, its a wonderful thing.
But, shes phoned me up distraught a few days ago and i dropped everything and came to meet with her to see what the matter was.
We met for coffee and she was very upset, she was near tears stating this husband of hers was verbally abusive and called her controlling and was sexually in appropriate most of the time ( advances in public and pulling her pants down when shes cleaning the tub ) and she hates it. Im like, thats immature and very inappropriate, he obviously has now boundaries of his own or self respect. He refuses to get counselling and says its all her fault.
Im listening, rarely saying anything, supporting, validating that he is treating her inappropriately and she should be taking care of herself...we part.
She then sends me an e mail ( after i sent her some coda stuff ) stating that she just wanted a friend, a ear and not judgmentalism or criticism and that he wasnt abusive, hes changed a lot and hes soooo much better. ( justfiying his behavior)
Im like, oh my god, what the hell?
Then i realised i think im breaking her bubble of denial, she refuses to see, especially now shes having his baby.
I dont think this woman is much of a friend to me. How could she care about me and dump on me like that?

January 26, 2005
9:58 pm
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Emperorsclothes
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I also told her, im not here to tell you what you want to hear, im here to give you a reality check when you need it..isnt that what friends are for?
I jsut think this guy is bad news, through and through. She has told me some intimate details of his life and why hes such a mess, and shes playing the martyr ..bleh..bad news

January 27, 2005
1:41 am
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mamacinnamon
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Hi, Glad you have posted.

It is my experience that unless they want to face the facts and/or get out then you are wasting your breath.

You can be supportive. You can give her advise;it's up to her if she takes it or not. But you cannot force her too.

You did the right thing. You have been a good friend to her.

January 27, 2005
11:16 am
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ILSILS
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sounds like a case of shoot the messinger to me. pluss maby she is venting frustration on you, maby she thinks you can take it. i dunno, pregnant weomen are hard, i know first hand, i was completly all over the place when i was prego. hang in there, and when a friendship becomes one sided, you may aswell just be your own friend

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