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My Fault here...job and contact with mom & family and in control for a change
March 8, 2006
11:05 am
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my fault
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I just wanted to let you all know that each and everyone of you has led me in a very positive manner in my past situations.

Currently, I interveiwed for a job yesterday, they hired me on the spot for another because of my accounting/finance back ground. I love doing this type of work. I am going to work only part time. I thank God for this, I was praying that he would help me get this position and I got hired for a position that is me.

I decided to go to Vegas on my own. I asked my husband to consider going on the seminar to Vegas as an end of the Vegas with three woman feasco. But he said he didn't want to go and did not think he would change his mind. I will be going to Vegas at the time the seminar is and staying where they are.... which is the Venetian.

I remembered how he made plans to go with three woman and not take me ...four years ago. I also thought about his attraction to Lori and those 200 pictures I was not allowed to see and how he never called me once while there. I also remember when he came back he wanted a divorce.

I have money from my lost diamond ring that I never replaced because of his wanting a divorce. What better use for that money but to use it for the very thing that wrecked our marriage, VEGAS.

This new me is not doing this to get back at him, but doing what I could not do four years ago, and that was to go to vegas even through i felt he didn't want me there because of Lori.

I talked a little to my mom yesterday and will go to see her today. I am not jumping hoops in helping like I use to do. This is a new me, I went over this morning to help my dad pick out nightgowns and robes she needs while in the hosp. She asked me to do this for her, and I did.

I have finally decided that since I can't change the way I was treated than I would not treat the family as the most important thing to me. I am finally putting my needs first and letting the others take their turn at taking care of her.

Please don't think I am tooting my own horn, because I am not. I realize all that I was doing was trying to be important to everyone. I set myself up for being used. I made alot of mistakes thinking I would get treated better by doing all or above what was asked of me.

I want to stay on this road to recovery and if I fall or trip, I will dust myself off and get going once again.

My doc said to stay on all my meds and continue to do all the work I have done for codependence. I mentioned this site and how it has helped me, she took down the site name and will pass this on to others like us.

March 8, 2006
11:21 am
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nappy
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Congratulation,
First, for finding yourself. I know that, that first step was hard in trying to let go, but you did it. At one time in my life, I felt the same way. It is so hard for some people to see that they are trying to control everything, always trying to fix things and always trying to rescue other. But we don't see them things in ourselves. I so glad that you feel that way and sharing it with others.
Letting go does not mean to stop caring, it just means I can't do it for someone else.
To let go is not to adjust everthing to my desires but to take each day as it comes and cherish yourself in it.
Congratulation once again!!!!!!!!!
And if you feel that you are back sliding just put up your post and I will be there for you, And you can be there for me.(smile)

March 8, 2006
12:38 pm
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my fault
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Nappy, you said it so well, it is letting go of all the controlling.

I have been practicing a pattern: any thought that comes into my mind telling me how to handle something, my last thought is:

Is this a control issue that will benefit an outcome? By doing this I have found that 90% of the time, I was trying to get control of the situation.

I am going to Vegas, my husband has declined going, I may be a little unsettled but I am determined to travel there on my own, I have been there with him three times, it is familiar territory.

I need a vacation from all this craziness and at the same time take a stand.

One thing I do know is.... if you say you will do something, you better follow thru.

When you do as you say, you begin to get strong in your convictions and people know that you will stand on your own if you need to.

I will be here for you nappy and please be here for me if I stumble along the way. It was good hearing from you. Take Care

March 8, 2006
1:44 pm
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taj64
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Dear My Fault, You are amazing. I just wanted to let you know this.

March 8, 2006
6:10 pm
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readyforachange
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I second that! You are truly amazing. I am so awed by your strength, and your willingness to move forward. You go!

March 8, 2006
9:49 pm
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my fault
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taj & ready: you both have been there with your words of encourgement and that meant alot to me.

I am stronger because of you and I have also realized I played a big part in my destructive relationships.

When we can look at what we do wrong I think we can than learn and grow.

I went to see my mom this evening, I was sad at where she is now with her health but at the same time if she did not fall she would not have the care she has been needing. She is now getting proper treatment for a body rash that has been unresponsive to meds for the last three months.

My husband is quite but we do now watch TV together and sleep in the same bed. I am not pushing him at talking and I do not offer any advice. I have learned to keep my words to myself. There is nothing that I can say that he doesn't already know.

I feel good about where I'm going and I do know I have a long way to go.

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