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my exh tried to commit suicide - Shaney
March 2, 2007
12:56 am
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turnabout
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If you send him a card or a note, you might offer him the chance to call you ... if you really would like to talk to him. Let him know that you care enough to listen to his burdens and offer whatever wisdom and support you can. That gives him the power to choose whether he wants your support. But, of course, don't offer it if you're just doing it to make yourself feel better.

March 2, 2007
2:03 am
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jewel
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Sending out many hugs to Shaney!!!

Love ya,

Jewel

March 2, 2007
2:23 am
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hbdude2k
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Only call if you have had kids with him. If not, leave him alone. Its almost like he is calling out for a "boo hoo, poor me, call me and make it feel better!! Slashing the throat is pretty knarley. He should have called Dr. O.J. Simpson. He is a certified throat slasher...

March 2, 2007
2:56 am
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Anonymous
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Shaney: If I can ask you... what was it that mattered most to you after your suicide attempt? If you don't feel comfortable answering that, don't. I completely understand.

Well, I was very nicely surprised at the acceptance I felt coming from friends, especially the ones I considered acquaintances. Then their reaching out to me in action, not words.

I also remembered that I reached out to my xh, he didnt emailed me on his own.

On the other hand, I was disappointed with some friends who tried to preach to me.

So, on a second thought, maybe you were right all along.

Shaney: Seems like I would be salt jumping into his already open wound. I don't know... what do you all think? I just feel so bad right now, and sad, actually.

Just learned something from you...
You seem so wise and humble not to jump at a decision.

hugs

PS: Almost five am. Can´t sleep. If youre around check my thread, will you?

March 2, 2007
2:58 am
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Shaney: If I can ask you... what was it that mattered most to you after your suicide attempt? If you don't feel comfortable answering that, don't. I completely understand.

Well, I was very nicely surprised at the acceptance I felt coming from friends, especially the ones I considered acquaintances. Then their reaching out to me in action, not words.

I also remembered that I reached out to my xh, he didnt emailed me on his own.

On the other hand, I was disappointed with some friends who tried to preach to me.

So, on a second thought, maybe you were right all along.

Shaney: Seems like I would be salt jumping into his already open wound. I don't know... what do you all think? I just feel so bad right now, and sad, actually.

Just learned something from you...
You seem so wise and humble not to jump at a decision.

hugs

PS: Almost five am. Can´t sleep. If youre around check my thread, will you?

March 2, 2007
4:37 am
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Shaney - Follow your heart! Your exh is in dire need of love and sympathy. Most people will be understanding in this case and won't confuse concern and attention with something else. After all, being an exh, your shared life together at some point even if before. I'm pretty sure your present hubbby would not get suspicious...rather understanding & sympathetic.

My heart goes out for your exh. I really feel your pain and it must be devastating for all sides. A person like you with lots of love, warmth and comapssion...I'm pretty sure you will have lots to offer and he and his family would Greatly appreciate it esp at this desparate moment.

Keep us posted hon!

(((Hugs & Prayers)))

March 2, 2007
11:01 am
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Shaney
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eurogirl - no need to be so judgemental...really. There are lots of things to consider here, and I'm not one to blast out of the gate with some knee-jerk reaction. Your opinion matters, but you may want to try a different approach in the future.

hbdud2k - your comments were pretty insensitive to say the least, and very distasteful. Not funny. Slashing your throat, as "knarley" as is sounds, probably wouldn't be ANYONE'S chosen method of getting attention. If he were only crying wolf, I imagine he wouldn't attempt something as final as cutting his neck.

sini - thanks for replying. It gives me a sense of where his mind MAY be... and that's ultimately my biggest concern.

Thank you TraCo, Kroiks, sd, jewel and ras - I appreciate your well thought out advice. I truly feel that my ex and his entire family is in QUITE a fragile state right now. Since my divorce with him wasn't a good one, and we didn't remain friends (at all), this is where I'm feeling very hesitant.

His dad was all about business, very non-feeling... although he did show a bit of a soft spot for me when all hell was breaking loose in my marriage to his son. My conversations with him were very short and to the point, with little or no emotion. That's the type of conversation that I believe would occur if I called him now - I don't think he would be able to talk about it. My calling or not calling is not about ME, at all. I just don't want to put anyone in that family in an odd or awkward position - least of all my exh.

I want to let them know that they're in my thoughts and prayers. I want them to know I care. And I want to do this in a gentle way that will give them room and time to digest it, and act on it if they so choose. So, considering all of your suggestions along with the reality of the situation, I'm going to send a package to the ex, and one to his family. They've always loved my cookies... I'll make them one of my homemade cards, and I'll write them a heartfelt note, which will give them the opportunity to contact me if they'd like. I've got an old pic of my ex when he was little that I think will get a laugh out of him... humor is always good.

Thanks all.

March 2, 2007
12:21 pm
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Great ideas, Shaney!

Cookies and humour... and a homemade card. Very nice :o)

Hey, in your spare time maybe you could write an etiquette book????

just saying
Emily Post-Kroika

March 2, 2007
1:04 pm
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lettingo
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Just thought I would add my two cents. I don't think it would be a good idea to call. How could it help? Doesn't he have support and people who love and care about him who can offer emotional support. I just think if the divorce ended badley and like you said he was still wanting his "wife back years later", I think it would just bring more pain into his life. I think it is we sometimes believe we are this majic key in their lives that will make it all better. This is just an illusion. I learned the hard way. This is a hard situation.

March 2, 2007
1:28 pm
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Shaney
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Hey kroiks and lettingo - after this "great idea" that I thought I had... I finally talked to an old friend of mine who still lives there. She reminded me of how bad our divorce actually was, and how it HAS been at least 13 years since I have even seen or talked to him (and even THAT time was unpleasant)..... so I'm not calling. My friend said he has his family around him, as well as lots of friends, so her opininion is that I should just leave it alone. What a weird situation, I swear. I just don't think my contacting them would make a positive impact at this point. Thanks everyone.

March 2, 2007
1:31 pm
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Shaney
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So, yes, since I won't be spending time making cookies, cards, and digging up old pictures... I'll be starting the etiquette book. :o)

March 2, 2007
6:24 pm
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Tiger Trainer
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((shaney))) I agree with hbdude. call him only if you have kids in common. Otherwise, well you two are divorced. he's out of your life, he has 2 other ex wives. I am sure he needs lots of kindness and compassion but I am not sure that it should come from you.

It is very sad a pitiful for him if he has no one else to turn to.

March 2, 2007
6:30 pm
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As I said, Shaney, it was very insightful of you to remember you could call and feel like salt on his wound. Right now, at least, the dust needs to settle, especially in his mind. Then it was insightful not to overdo with the cookies. He might not know what to make of it.

However, you´re still a significant reference in his life, having your marriage ended well or not. The pic of him as a child may be something he would like to have back. (Myxh said he sent me my pic´s but I didn´t receive any and I miss my references.) The pic isnt made by you so it isnt really personal. If you both remember this pic in a nice way, you´d be really giving him a little boost. Writing "Just thought you might like to have the little man back" or whatever you joked about when you both looked at the pic... It´s final in itself. No strings attached, or so I think.

(((Shaney)))

March 2, 2007
6:58 pm
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(((Shaney)))) I know it's difficult to know what to do in times like these. I agree with TraCo...that you need to be true to yourself. If you want to express your concern and well wishes in a card, then you should do so. A lot of water is under the bridge...alot of years have passed. He must have been in unbearable pain to attempt suicide that way. I know it must pain you. After all, you loved him once.

Maybe give it a few days or a couple weeks...then see how you feel. I think expressing your concern is noble and heartwarming. Follow your heart, sweetie.

Plz~

March 2, 2007
7:28 pm
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So, yes, since I won't be spending time making cookies, cards, and digging up old pictures... I'll be starting the etiquette book. :o)

:o)

March 2, 2007
7:45 pm
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Shaney
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You're all right. I will follow my heart eventually, and I really don't have to make a decision right this second. I'll wait a while and see how I feel. I guess I felt this sense of urgency when I first found out, because the whole situation seemed so desperate. But I know he's got lots of support, from family and friends that have been there all along. That life was so long ago for me... I was only 25, and I'm not even the same person now. So I'll give it some time and see what unfolds. Thanks for all the support and advice. You're all very very special.

March 2, 2007
7:56 pm
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turnabout
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Very wise to not act on an urge like that. It's always what gets us in trouble. You'll end up with a balanced way of handling it since you're carefully thinking it through. The answer will come to you.

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