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My divorce is so close
March 5, 2007
12:07 pm
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lettingo
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I am only days away from my divorce being final and I have such mixed emotions. I know there wasn't anything different I could have chosen. My husband's drug and alcohol problem drained me physcially, emotionally and financially. It is hard because he cries and insistes we are soul mates. I guess he forgot how much he stole from me. I am very sad and depressed at what I thought our lives would be. For some reason it all really hit me yesterdasy. The fact that our lives are over. Does this get easier? I know that I did everything to try and get him well, but we all know that it is impossible to fix another person. My heart is just so heavy that it really came down to this. It makes me mad that I really had no more choices. His addiction and his actions sealed our fate. When he stole jewlery from the house that was for me the deal breaker. I guess sometimes I wonder if I could have done anything different. Just needing words of encouragement.

March 5, 2007
12:31 pm
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2shy
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Lettingo, I have never been married so I don't know what it is like to go through a divorce. I do have the personality of loving and giving too much, so I know how difficult it must feel to have to leave someone who has issues. My stbx is a gambler. As much as I love and care for him I know that it is not healthy to be in a relationship with someone with an addiction. We either become enablers or we will be lied to, cheated on, stolen from....we eventually beome destroyed. Your ex needs help. Unless he seeks help, you have no alternative but to leave him. There isn't much, apart from an intervention, that you could have done differently. I wsh you lots of strength to get you through you divorce. My sister went through a divorce when she was only 20 years old from a man that she married at 17. It was extremely painful for her. Time does heal. Today is is remarried and has two beautiful children.

Keep^posting and release all of your anxieties. We are here for you.

2shy

March 5, 2007
3:42 pm
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lettingo
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2shy
Thanks for the words of encouragement. Divorce is horrible even when it is the "right" thing.

March 5, 2007
3:58 pm
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Shaney
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Sorry lettingo - this was a stand that you had to take for the sake of your own sanity and well-being. In the long run, this divorce may be the catalyst that actually saves his life - you never know. But if there was some other way, or avenue that you could have taken, you would have. I hope you find resolve in your own heart over this. A divorce may mark the end of a marriage, but it also marks the end of some of the suffering too. Your life with him as you knew it, may be behind you, but try to think of this as the beginning of a new life with new hope and new possibilities. Take care - love - shaney

March 5, 2007
4:12 pm
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lettingo
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Shaney,
I really like your point "end of some of the suffering too". That is an excellent way to look at it. I seems to be easier remembering what could have been or the few good times and forget the hell that was really present on an on going basis. Thanks again. I know this could save his life. I also know that it will save my sanity. At least I have peace in my life before that wasn't even in my vocabulary.

March 5, 2007
4:21 pm
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Shaney
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I divorced my first husband because of his drinking and his immature, escessive spending. In looking back, we were both young, but that still doesn't excuse bad behaviour. I didn't have the staying power that you obviously had - mainly because I know my love for him wasn't as strong as yours. I think by the end of it all, I actually couldn't stand him. I coulnd't wait to be away from him. But when we divorced, and when it was final, it did feel odd. I felt like I had failed in a sense. But in my heart I KNEW it was for the best for all involved, and I focussed on the sense of relief that I felt. It takes a strong person to endure a bad situation and and even stronger person to leave it. You did good, lettingo - know that.

March 5, 2007
4:33 pm
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lettingo
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Shaney,
Whew, your email brought tears to my eyes. I think it was the "you did good". It spoke to that part of me like you feels like a failure even though I know on another level that that is false. I too will focus on the sense of relief and the good things that came out of leaving.

March 5, 2007
5:00 pm
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Shaney
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Aaww, honey... this is a sad time any way you slice it - with all sorts of conflicting feelings that you can't quite wrap your mind around at times. No worries, though - times like these don't last forever... we pass right through them and land on the other side... most times with a newer, healthier perspective. That's where you're going to be in no time at all - on the GOOD side of all this. Good people land on their feet - you'll be just fine. In a couple of weeks you're going to be back on here with a new, dynamic and crazy name like "not lookin behind me" or "bustin loose from the past" or "no more albatross hanging around my neck" or something like that. We'll come up with something :o) .... (((lettingo)))

March 5, 2007
8:15 pm
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thedogsmom
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letting go.

i too am crying after reading your very sad post.I'm crying for you and for me. It sounds like many of us have been living the same painful-crazy-lives that loving an addict or the wrong person can bring. Thats what this wonderful site is all about. So we can think out loud--talk to strangers who hopefully won't judge you too much and won't get sick of hearing it over and over-even when you seem to be stuck and can't seem to make those big decisions and changes that will improve your life. Even when you know you are doing the right thing.
Keep coming here for the support-even if it doesn't take away your heartbreak sickness. That horrible feeling in your gut and that rollercoaster ride of emotions is going to happen regardless- but WILL get better with time and only time.

Just as you talked yourself into staying and forgiving and trying to make things work with him....You now have to keep talking to yourself about why you are divorcing-- This decision for divorce didn't come easily for you-- If you had NO feelings for this man then you wouldn't be here crying at all. But-- just because you have 'feelings' for him is NO reason to question your motives or decision for the divorce.

Shaney- is right- You did GOOD! you are doing the RIGHT thing here! You say the 'deal-breaker' was stealing your jewelry. That may have been the last straw--- but wasn't the ONLY reason you chose divorce.

You were living with an "addict". An addict that was messing with your peace at home. He didn't treat you the way a husband should treat a wife.
Addicts LIE and they LIE and they cheat and they STEAL and they PRETEND and then they feel guilty and they TRY to do right---- but then they go back to doing drugs and drinking and LIEing and YOU are the one who pays for their mistakes!

Financially--- and more importantly Emotionally! You are the one who feels rejected- when they choose going out and doing drugs instead of home time with you. You are the one who feels rejected because your feelings are always on the backburner-your needs are not being met. Your feelings are neglected. You are the one that wasted all that time worrying and wondering and fighting and then making up and then HOPING and PRAYING things would be better only to have him dissapoint you time and again!.

On a stress scale they say divorce is almost as bad as a death to a family member. Both produce feelings of guilt for most people. They tend to feel guilty for NOT spending as much time with the deceased or for the bad things or mean things they may have done. When you divorce or break up with somebody- people often tend to feel lonely and heartbroken and they focus on the good things that USED to be-- They often feel guilt or remorse or like a failure cause the marriage didn't work.

You didn't do anything wrong here. You
have to stop being so hard on yourself and try to give yourself some kudos here for MAKING this step for a better life. He can't possibly be happy with the life he is leading and the marrital problems it has caused. He hasn't found the strength- guts- honesty-- to admit he needs help- that his actions have hurt people he claims to love- and to seek that action for himself and make those changes to make the marriage work.

You gave him AMPLE oppurtunity! You tried to help him- make him seek treatment. He let you down- because he either won't admit (not acceptable) or can't admit that he has a problem. Either way is NOT a winning situation for you. You suffer either way. So you can feel sorry for him. Yes maybe you had much in common and he believes you are soul mates. If that is true ... then he has his life ahead.. his grown-up life..with adult choices and he can try his best to get help...and come back to you a year later begging for you to take him back. Hopefully you will have moved on-- and won't take that chance with him again-- and he will have to live with the consequences of HIS choices. BUt maybe if you are soulmates there would be a future. FOR now BELIEVE that you ARE doing the right thing!! I hope to follow in your footsteps soon.
TDM

March 5, 2007
9:27 pm
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Shaney
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(((thedogsmom)))

You'll get there. :o)

March 5, 2007
11:51 pm
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thedogsmom
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thanks shaney!!
crying now just because you have been the greatest cyber friend to me for a LONG time... I hope that you know that you do reach me-- and that because of THIS very site and advice from you and others here-- that I WILL get there! I feel it coming!!

I've read several threads of yours. I'm sorry I haven't replied and that things got harried for you. I didn't have any great advice to offer that others hadn't said better. I also feel like a 'weak' knucklehead with no brains- supporting this man who doesn't deserve it...and feel a bit intimidated sometimes to give advise to those of you that I feel have become the "WISE" ones ;). I think you did the right thing about not contacting the suicidal-ex---and staying out of it -- since it had been so long since no contact anyhow--and you don't know IF that would even help someone in that depressed state of mind.
As far as your getting STUCK and having to MOVE and having trouble at home. Can't help with the husband trouble-- but have utmost FAITH in your ability to defend yourself.. I would love for you to KICK HIM OUT of my house and let you guys LIVE here till you sell your place.. I LOVE helping people who HELP themselves..and people who appreciate it ..or truly need the help.
Thanks so much-- and don't feel your words and effort is wasted. I will keep hardening my heart till I can get him out.
TDM

March 6, 2007
6:50 am
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taj64
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Lettinggo, you will get through this believe me. You're in the thick of the part the actual divorce which is really really hard. Coming to terms with an end is truly one of life's most painful experiences one can have and even more so when you feel let down this way, disappointed, lack of trust and faith. I know what you mean about your husband stealing from you and really it is not about the actual item but the fact that someone you love could sink so low to take from you, something that was personal to you as if he did not care about your feelings or put you first instead of these drugs and alcohol. I was there a long time ago. It takes time to process all this loss and to sort through these mixed emotions. But realize what a good person you are, that you deserve a better life and most of all this will pass. It will only allow you to grow stronger. You could not have done anything different. YOu did what you could at the time and you did the best that you could under the circumstances. When we sign up for marriage, and we say for better or worse we do not expect worse in this way. We expect to go through normal type stuff, like being sick or things that are out of our control but not something insidious as drugs or alcohol. We expect and deserve support, love and being secure with the love. Living with a druggie and alcoholic is pure torture and the only way out is to get out. Yes it is very hard and painful but in the end you get over it, you don't forget, you go on. Give yourself lot of time, know it will not be overnight. When I look back on my life with a druggie and alcie I am amazed that I had lived that way and for awhile too. Now in time, I would never put myself through that again and while I still care about my ex, I do, he has not changed much. Maybe he doesnt drug and drink as much but he is much the same and in looking at him now, I would never go back. It is hard to believe that it was that long ago. It seems surreal that that was my life. But it was. And this will turnaround for you as well. So mourn your loss for now, and little by little you will gain your strength and come out a better person. Life is indeed strange but you have to live it and live it in a way that you want, not what everyone else wants. Your sun will shine again. Hang in there.

March 6, 2007
10:14 am
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lettingo
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Thanks so much for all the support and supportive words. It is such a lifesaver coming to this site. It seems like a lot of people in my life do not really understand how hard this is. They see an addict and think, good your leaving him. Like it is that easy. It takes women who have been in my situation, who have loved an addict to understand how hard it is to leave even when it is t he right decision. Thanks for the encouragement that this will get better. Sometimes I just need to hear that. Especially, right now when I am at the doorstep of my divorce. I am just waiting for my attorney to call and tell me we can sign the paperwork. The waiting is hard. Very hard. I just try and take one day or one hour at a time. Hugs to all...

March 6, 2007
10:35 am
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smarterone
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Girls, life is not easy but we learn from our hardships, sometimes like me it takes awhile. Letting Go, I was married twice, my first for 20yrs. so the divorce was a sad thing. I always imagined growing old with this man. We had two boys. And when i saw that we definitely living a hell, we talked and agreed it was over. Oh it hurt and at that time, i thought it was a good thing. I even found his apt. We stayed friends until i married the second man, he was on work release, go figure, did i tell you the first was a cop, so the lawyers laugh, from cop to inmate. I swooned me, but now i know how good most con artists are. Dont get me wrong, he loved and still does, but he only wanted me, he was an ex addict and after about 6yrs together and much verbal and physical abuse to me and my son that moved with me, i left him, only to come back 8 mos. later. Only 5months after that, and still on drugs, he was arrested and given 9yrs. I lost everything,house, business, cars, pictures of my kids. I visited him for 5yrs. and really didnt want to but he was intimidating even over the phone, and why i was scared i dont know, he was in prison! During that time my son became involved in drugs and boy, life got harder. I decided to end my marriage one nite, and to be strong, why am i putting up with his bull when he is not here. he is still controlling me. Why do i want to wait, there was abuse and drugs, physical beatings, my son abused, so right at the time of the next collect call, scared and all i told him i wasnt coming to visit anymore. He thought i was kidding cuz i would never be that brave, but this was my shot, he wanted to see me first, but i knew one visit and i would give in either from fear or sympathy, and that is not a way to live. I lived that way with my dad. I then started hanging out with a friend, who became my b/f and then started dealing with the problems of my son. I have finally filed for divorce, monday was his last day to object (from prison) (Oh, also, he had a friend call me and tell me to hurry up with the divorce, cuz he is marrying someone???????? If i didnt want it so bad i would have told him to pay for it and get it himself. I will never marry again, i have been hit up by irs for his taxes, taken from my disability check, his loans, u name it. But one thing, i never wanted to have multiple marriages, enjoy the old style of life, family and all, well, now there is nothing but heartaches and no matter how hard my b/f tries, its hard to erase the pain and scars from the past. If you have a chance to go on with your life take it now. You will hurt, you will heal, you will learn. You will think time and again, remember the good times, and the bad times, but i have at the age of 56, this is life, the hardest job you can have. There is no retirement from the pain of it. Day by day, and with the help of god, strength will come. Good luck.

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