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My depression and self hatred are consuming me and I can't stand living like this
September 24, 2007
7:10 pm
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My depression is just getting worse and worse. I’m trying to “act as if” it’s not... just go on with my life, be pleasant to people, but it is getting harder and harder. I feel like I’m getting sicker and there is no one that understands this or will/can help me. Lately my therapist thinks if I “join a club” that will solve my problems. I truly don’t think I’ve been able to communicate to her how deeply this thing has gotten to me. When I told her, I can barely get out of bed, I do A LOT of things she doesn’t give me credit for, she didn’t really get it.

I feel I am ready to implode. I feel like I try and do whatever I can for myself, and it doesn’t help. Or who knows, maybe it is helping, maybe I’d even feel worse if that’s possible. I’ve maxed out my free time with school and the commute from my job, also hanging out just with the one or two people I know (basically one friend and peripheral acquaintances and my sister). I’m exhausted. I would like to go to the gym also, but I’m sure when I finally do get back to it, my therapist will say that it’s not social enough.

Usually, I do not turn down a chance to go out. But I have issues with my sister (and myself obviously). Tonight we were supposed to have dinner and go to the movies. We were planning on the phone as I was shopping. We were setting a time and I needed to go home with my dog, and I mentioned that I didn’t look so good (meaning I had to put my face on, change, etc. and needed more time). So my sister said “Well I DO so don’t get at me for that.” I just hate being with her when she is in “cruising” and aren’t-I-fabulous- mode. I realize that’s my problem... it’s effecting me all round. I just don’t have the energy to be all manicured and perfect and I can’t even stand to be in public. I hate myself, my body and my appearance. I am angry all the time and lonely, yet I hate being in public. I’m trying to act “as if” this is not true so that I do not deny myself experiences I might enjoy, but I end up feeling like shit anyway.

I feel like no one understands where I am coming from, and worse, no one cares unless they are OBLIGATED TO. It makes me feel alone. I want to be the person I used to be, even though I was naive and sad then too. At least I didn’t realize my anger or wasn’t angry, I was a nice person and could feel good about that.

I cancelled my plans with my sister to avoid being a bitch and ruining her night too. I really hate myself and what I have become.

September 24, 2007
7:33 pm
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ScaredinMichigan
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(((((mzrella)))))

I don't feel obligated to care...but I do.

I don't have a lot to say, but I wanted to comment on this..."I would like to go to the gym also, but I’m sure when I finally do get back to it, my therapist will say that it’s not social enough."

You have to start somewhere. And exercise is usually a good start. If you start going back to the gym...and you start to feel better, you may have more of a desire to do things that are a little more social.

You don't feel like she is hearing you. Do you feel like you are telling her everything and she just isn't hearing you, or do you feel like you are putting on a front for her too?

She isn't you. She can have suggestions and she is there to help...but, you know you better than anyone else. And...you have to start somewhere for you.

I know and understand what you are talking about. I honestly do...I don't have a lot to say to be really helpful...just know that I care. Because of who I am, and because of who I have seen you be on my journey here. You are a beautiful person. I believe that is true...you are a good person, with a wonderful heart. I have seen it.

((((mzrella))))

September 24, 2007
7:46 pm
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sdesigns
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((((Ella))))

I am so sorry you're still feeling this way. I DO know what you're talking about- I had depression twice in my life and I wanted more than anything to just die- I didn't want to face another day.

But I did, and it took me years to get out of that feeling. I still teeter on the brink sometimes, just overwhelmed and exhausted and disappointed with my life.

One thing I did do- was go to the gym. It took me 5 months to actually start going after I joined! Talk about dragging my feet. But I certainly didn't do it to be social. I went to exercise and would stay for hours. I sort of liked not being social and just going and being anonymous. It made me feel better just to know I was making an effort to be doing something good for myself.

I think your therapist is putting pressure on you by saying the gym isn't social enough. Its a start- its gets you out of the house and around people. Maybe when you get your new hot bod, you'll feel like doing more. Baby steps, one step at a time.

SD

September 24, 2007
7:48 pm
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((((mzrella))))

I also care...I am sorry you are feeling this way. It has to be hard, your thread caught my eye, I don't know how it feels to be struggling with depression but I saw the pain it caused my mother growing up and I see the pain it is causing my spouse.

You have enlightened me and given me a better understanding. Day to day is tough, bottom line.

I don't have a whole lot of "proper" advice for the situation but I can offer to you what I do when I am blue...I blame it on the hormones!!

Maybe you can take baby steps...take a nice, long soak in the tub, light some candles and relax. Don't let life consume you...

Go outside for some fresh air and let your mind wander...good thoughts, positive thoughts. I know a good walk of solitude provides great mental clarity for me.

Post, post, post...get out those negative feelings. We are all human and we all feel pain. We understand and will try to encourage you.

Maybe start a journal...at the end of day when all is said and done write down things that you did that you were happy about, enjoyed, felt positive about.

Just some thoughts ella...we are here for you. You are not alone in this life by yourself and when you need a friend or some support..just reach.

I wish you a good night's rest...

September 24, 2007
7:49 pm
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Dear mzrella,
I don't know your story, but it sounds like you might look into getting a new therapist. In my opinon you shouldn't have to worry whether your therapist is going to approve of you or not. They are there for support and guidance.

Do you know what exactly you are angry about?

Hug to you. Hep

September 24, 2007
9:10 pm
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Hi, Ella, hugs to (((you))! I hope you are feeling better. Enough to cope with lots of advice bc ppl here love you and wanna help, like me. You know Im depressed most of the time. So I understand how you feel. Those shi**y feelings don’t help a bit! Just eat our inside. I don’t think you need to feel rock bottom bad to get better. Not after you described so well how you feel. I agree with most of the people about the therapist. Change her asap. Id say stop seeing her if you can. She didn’t connect and youre making excuses and thinking anyone is better than you. That’s not so.

When you say “I feel like I try and do whatever I can for myself, and it doesn’t help.” I sense that youre doing all the shoulds, haves, etc. but not the wants, needs, you know?! Yes, exercise is very important! If you could do it, wonderful. Maybe try yoga, which is also relaxing and meditative. I thought I was tahe only person who could join a gym and not show up but SD beat me. So if it takes you 4 months to “make the time”, you beat SD!!

I didn’t know you´re going to school! Is there a chance you might need a break? Can you freeze your enrollment? Just till you get yourself more peppy? Or is it mandatory you do the classes? What are you studying? You know I read your thread title and thought, let me check this thread as Im depressive myself. This lady writes well and she may read well enough tao read through my sometimes windy writing. I think youre educated enough, so what´s in school for you besides more education?

Well, if you cant go out with your sister and arent getting empathy from your therapist, that’s not to say its all your problem! People ARE insensitive a lot of the time more to protect themselves than to harm us. I don’t know whats worse, coming from a sister, who we sometimes take for granted to be empathetic, or a therapist, who regurgitates her degree and certificates at our financial and emotional expense. Theyre hiding behind masks and armors bc you got this dreadful and catchy disease at a point that disarms people. Youre baring yourself to them hoping theyre able to let go of their masks and armors to interface as people to people. But seeing how fragil you are scares them. At least that’s how Ive felt any time I tried to reach out to people who are unwise, unsympathetic, uneducated, prejudist, aso.

So to me the challenge is for you to take the reins of your horse and tell it where YOU want to go. Its scary. You think less of yourself and assume youre not capable. You want a hand, a whole arm and a lap, right? Should I say you need? I don’t know. It depends who it is coming from. So embrace yourself bc you CAN tell yourself what you want and need and can. One of the secrets I hold on to when Im feeling like I am going to lose it is the saying “This too shall pass.” I cant hope for too many good things falling from the sky bc we gotta be fair and have our share only. Then with this I ask, what are the things I can do that will prevent from waking up from this nightmare to the havoc I created while I am loosing it? I usually think, let the house go, I can clean it later, etc. But I don’t forget my kitties. Dont you stop loving and walking your dog! I actually met a lot of people at the park since I have the kitties. Interesting, nice people. So after these two things are given proper priority (after eating) I think I need to shower. I took LovingLife´s advice and try to get (hot) showers bc I have chronic neck/back pain. I also start putting meds in tahe back burner. You know I overdosed already and ER is no option! Once is enough. But I try to have more tea and less caffeine, more self control than to reach for the pink pill for this and the blue one for that plus… Comes a time they don’t help, only the side effects hurt. Some even had given me the very effects they were trying to help with. And their mix is the worst effect of all. So you read athrough the lines enough here, right?

Well, excuse yourself if you don’t feel like being all peppy and manicured. You havent lost any unmissable dates, right? So give yourself so time off for 100% peppy and manicured. Sometimes I get scared looking at myself in the mirror but, hey, no one is giving me a raise if I put mascara on. It means “mask” in Portuguese, you know? Be yourself for a bit! Put a nice training suit on and go out with your dog. Go places where you know you get service or serviced if you arent looking fab. Its amazing how beautiful people get when they smile. “That” make up is what youre needing.

So I´ll stop here for now. Havent had the internet for the weekend. Just visited my brother who got flooded up to his back and front yard. The house is ok but he had to take me in a kayak they used to use for fun. My sis took me. Her children wanted to see the flood. She wanted to bring my bro some stuff. Now I need to take a shower. And rest. Tomorrow is another day bringing new things and new us. Lets be thankful we have a roof. The river in my city didn’t overflow. My kittiees are healthy little buggers even if sometimes I wanna give them away. Right now C is chasing a heart bc she cant chase F whos sleeping in a suistcase on a top shelf despite the 5 or so sleeping places Ive arranged for them. I embrace you with my warmest embrace. I have you in my thoughts with a lot of faith in YOU. Not the you others want you to be but THE YOU. Claim it, sis, and help me do the same. You have a good week!

PS: If you want to read something nice and light, look for this:
http://www.businessballs.com/t.....elruiz.htm

September 24, 2007
9:16 pm
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I mean, my bro took one kid at a time on the kayak. Then he got a row boat from a neighbor and took my sis and me. hugs

September 24, 2007
9:17 pm
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Hi. Sorry to hear you are feeling so bad. Are you currently taking any meds to help? If not do you think taking something for it might help? What is the one thing in this world besides your X that you enjoy. Please let me know.

Destiny

September 24, 2007
9:32 pm
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pureheart
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Hi Mzrella,
my heart really goes out 2 u. I was n ur shoes not that long ago. My depression was so bad at 1 point that I had formed a routine. I would work 11-7 in a nursing hm. which made me feel human because I loved my elderly patients. Would get hm. at 7:15 and sleep til 2:00. get up eat a piece of chocolate to curb my appetite and 2 give me enough energy 2 crawl bhind the chair n my bdrm. & cry 4 2 hrs. & then get bak n bed 2 sleep another 2-3 hrs. this would coont. until some 1 would call me 4 something & I'd drag out 2 meet their need then start all over again.
I felt like I was dying. my dpression started bcause of my poor choices n life & I found it very difficult 2 look at myself n e more. I hated me and could not escape myself. Some 1 suggested I go 2 the gym and promised I would feel better. I gave it a shot. wow! when I left the gym that day I felt like a new creation!! I do suggest U go 2 the gym. if u enjoy it & it makes u happy then thats all that matters. its all about ur health. It's not so much about socializing n my opinion. I thnk that comes later. When I strted workn out I went 2 a military base gym. Mostly men.Of course they all chalenged me cuz I was new. I was a pc. of meat. 2 mths. later they saw my commitment and the change n my body & I started earning their respect. I started training 2 compete in beginners body building and I really felt empowered then. Ladies began asking me if I was a trainer and men were asking me how I got my abs 2 look so great 🙂 thats when the socializing began. I made friends and they made me feel I was worth something. I'm sure u r a beautiful person with so much 2 offer. Just try 2 love urself enough 2 do 1 sml. thng 4 urself. find positive people who can encourage u. 1 person can say just 1 good thing that can change ur life 4 the better. It's so hard 2 b positive when u hurt so bad. I dont no u but I do care cause I know how U feel. I would never want n e 1 2 experiance the kind of pain I've felt from depresssion. I'll b thnk n of u & pray the best 4 U.

September 24, 2007
9:32 pm
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Hi Mzrella,
my heart really goes out 2 u. I was n ur shoes not that long ago. My depression was so bad at 1 point that I had formed a routine. I would work 11-7 in a nursing hm. which made me feel human because I loved my elderly patients. Would get hm. at 7:15 and sleep til 2:00. get up eat a piece of chocolate to curb my appetite and 2 give me enough energy 2 crawl bhind the chair n my bdrm. & cry 4 2 hrs. & then get bak n bed 2 sleep another 2-3 hrs. this would coont. until some 1 would call me 4 something & I'd drag out 2 meet their need then start all over again.
I felt like I was dying. my dpression started bcause of my poor choices n life & I found it very difficult 2 look at myself n e more. I hated me and could not escape myself. Some 1 suggested I go 2 the gym and promised I would feel better. I gave it a shot. wow! when I left the gym that day I felt like a new creation!! I do suggest U go 2 the gym. if u enjoy it & it makes u happy then thats all that matters. its all about ur health. It's not so much about socializing n my opinion. I thnk that comes later. When I strted workn out I went 2 a military base gym. Mostly men.Of course they all chalenged me cuz I was new. I was a pc. of meat. 2 mths. later they saw my commitment and the change n my body & I started earning their respect. I started training 2 compete in beginners body building and I really felt empowered then. Ladies began asking me if I was a trainer and men were asking me how I got my abs 2 look so great 🙂 thats when the socializing began. I made friends and they made me feel I was worth something. I'm sure u r a beautiful person with so much 2 offer. Just try 2 love urself enough 2 do 1 sml. thng 4 urself. find positive people who can encourage u. 1 person can say just 1 good thing that can change ur life 4 the better. It's so hard 2 b positive when u hurt so bad. I dont no u but I do care cause I know how U feel. I would never want n e 1 2 experiance the kind of pain I've felt from depresssion. I'll b thnk n of u & pray the best 4 U.

September 24, 2007
9:41 pm
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(((Ella))) I forgot to mention about taking the right meds. I am taking mine and wont stop. And I did stop therapy but Im looking for another therapist. hugs

September 24, 2007
9:42 pm
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ScaredinMichigan-

Thank you for what you wrote. I was actually on my way to the gym for the first time in weeks when I saw it and it helped a lot. I know you are right about exercise, but it's so hard to start from scratch. It's nice that now the board has a thread just for that, I should check in there more often for inspiration. Exercise used to help me, but with my addictive nature I found a way to abuse it and took it to an extreme. Still the perfectionist in me makes it hard, makes me want to go all or nothing and kick myself for letting myself go and not having the fit body I used to. I go to the gym and instead of being proud of myself for showing up, I have the internal critic going "why can't I do my splits anymore? why can't I do push ups or bench press 4X what I am doing now?" It's crazy. I will have to retrain my brain as well as my body. I know it will help someday. But I have to start, and I know taking care of myself will give me a better perspective. You are right about that.

Thank you for your kindness,
hugs,
ella

September 24, 2007
9:58 pm
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Sdesigns-

Yes, I went tonight. I'm glad I did, even though my work out was wimpy wimpy wimpy compared to what I used to do. At least I have an idea of what I am capable of. I will have to shut off the memory of how long it takes to get there as to not get discouraged and take it one day at a time!

You sound like me. I used to use my exercise time as private meditation time, HOURS of stretching and a lot of cardio and weights. I wasn't skinny, I was cut and looked like one of those female comic book heroines and I was proud of it! (My workouts were hours long too, I could do that before I started my career). But I think that I was a little extreme to have to go to that to not hate myself. It's not like I was in love with my appearance, it's just to get my energy up, to get out of bed, and to NOT think about how I looked outside the gym- that's what it took. It worked until real life took over and I had to spend time at school and now traveling. I'm going to try for something a little more moderate. It's very hard because I think I was addicted, running literally got me high. It was as good as heroin- if not as intense. I felt nothing and could keep on running forever it seemed. And then the energy boost is always nice (you don't get that from dope!). (I have since developed a foot condition due to a security job from standing too much so running is out).

I don't like talking to people when I work out either, and I'm glad my gym is quiet and not a meat market. I would like to take kick-boxing classes (LOL... but for real, I would) but do not have the time.

My therapist never said the gym wasn't social enough per se, she just said none of the things I do are. So yeah, I guess that includes the gym. I also would like to get back to making art and writing. More solitary activities. I know I could take classes, but that's not how I need to create. I am angry that just living my life isn't good enough. That because I am alone and unhappy I can't get back to enjoying these things, it is like I have this assignment or something to go out and meet people. As if you can force that. I am sad I don't have my old friends or my bf around to make that part of life built in, but this is the way it is. I just want to "do my life" but loneliness is crippling, and I honestly don't see how I am going to go out and instantly replace friendships that took years to establish. I guess I am mourning a life that is past and it is my own, no matter how unhealthy it was.

thank you for responding, it is always good reading your posts,

hugs,
ella

September 24, 2007
10:07 pm
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readytobefree-

Hello.

Today I went to class. That's always an escape for me. It takes up some of my time, that is why I am not ready to commit to another just yet-though I have many interests. Someday I would like to take a vegetarian cooking class. I am having my kitchen renovated soon, so after that, I will be really inspired! Right now, it's not fun to cook at home.

Writing in a journal and posting (which I am doing a lot lately) is excellent. You are right. I need to get back to journaling. I'd make my journals into pieces of art... I'd have two- a pocket sized scratch pad I'd carry everywhere and put scraps of poems and art and other things in, and then the big one where I'd work things out in and expand on those thoughts when I was in my own private place. It is actually a discipline in its way. At first, it is so easy to feel inhibited, to feel like your thoughts are not worth the paper you are writing them on- and I need to get over that once again.

I will indeed reach out to you all here, tonight everyone that posted made me feel so much less alone it's bringing tears to my eyes.

thank you,
hugs,
ella

September 24, 2007
10:12 pm
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Hepburn-

Hi. I don't want to get a new therapist. I've been with this one for a while, and I think this is just a recent problem. This is something I have to work out. Maybe she's just stumped, I don't know. Maybe I'm not getting my point across well enough, but I will work on it. I'm not worried about her approval, it's just like we are hitting a wall- she keeps coming back to this same suggestion of volunteering and/or joining clubs and it's just not for me right now and honestly- it won't help my deepest issues which I need to contend with.

Thank you... I will consider all options, though.

hugs,
ella

September 24, 2007
10:39 pm
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I have said this many times over the last 3 days..I know EXACTLY how you are feeling..I remember thinking "What in the hell am I supposed to do with the rest of my life?" I couldn't stand to be home alone but I sure couldn't stand to go out in public. I am not a crier but i cried everyday for at least 3 months. I thought I was going to lose it. I would only stop crying if someone was around..because I made strange noises and they thought I was having a heart attack! And the advice I got about how to perk myself up only p'd me off. And I thought no one really understood how bad it hurt..A broken heart is not a damn country song it is painful,it can cause actual pain...better living through medication! I don't know if you are taking any medication but it can help..not enough...or mine certainly did not. I had nothing that would make me conk out which is the only thing that would have helped. It did not even occur to me at the time to drink. about 4 years later I did drink and I thought "Why didn't I think of this when I was really at my worst?" I am getting carried away now, I know drinking is not the way to go and if I had starting drinking then I would probably have killed myself. Sometimes I think people don't realize how serious this pain is and they think you should just be able to snap out of it. I hated admitting to myself that I was depressed..but I had a good friend tell me that it is okay to feel what you feel...she said it many times before I actually heard it. Something I found out about myself through all this...I am not going to hear anything until I want to and I am not going to do anything I don't want to,even though I am a people pleaser and try to make all the right noises at the right time. I don't think I am making much sense but it seems like once I started talking I have a lot of crap coming out..I have not really talked about this and it has been 6 or so years.I talked with my mother and sister about it for the first time last night. I was so ashamed to admit he had broke my heart. If course they knew it but we didn't talk about it. I was afraid my sister would make a smart remark and piss me off but she didn't. And then while I was on the phone with me mother she sent me a text that said Tht man tht brk
u @. not fit to wipe ur ass.... that made me laugh out loud

September 24, 2007
11:03 pm
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sininho-

Hey you! Thanks for writing.

"I sense that youre doing all the shoulds, haves, etc. but not the wants, needs, you know?!"

You may be right about that. Actually, you are DEFINITELY right about that. I am letting some things go by the waste side and it is making me resentful. That is my fault. Don't laugh (or do laugh, we all need laughs) but I saw that show Tim Gunn's Guide to Style and he says (I guess it's a catch phrase he must use) "No one cares more than you that you will suceed." Or something like that. It's true. Sadly, sometimes we need a little support from the outside and we don't get enough of it.

As far as school goes, I am taking it for enjoyment. But it does require time, or I wouldn't gain the skills that I desire. It is a language class, so you don't get anywhere without practice! And I like it, but with everything you do, that's one other choice in life you eliminate. Time is limited, so many books, so little time- as the saying goes. Which is why I want to be a vampire and live forever. Just kidding.

You wrote:
"Well, if you cant go out with your sister and arent getting empathy from your therapist, that’s not to say its all your problem! People ARE insensitive a lot of the time more to protect themselves than to harm us. I don’t know whats worse, coming from a sister, who we sometimes take for granted to be empathetic, or a therapist, who regurgitates her degree and certificates at our financial and emotional expense. Theyre hiding behind masks and armors bc you got this dreadful and catchy disease at a point that disarms people. Youre baring yourself to them hoping theyre able to let go of their masks and armors to interface as people to people. But seeing how fragil you are scares them. At least that’s how Ive felt any time I tried to reach out to people who are unwise, unsympathetic, uneducated, prejudist, aso."

Wow. You are so right on. I can't even begin to elaborate on that. Then there are people who have it made and just can never "get it" that others have it more difficult because they don't want to admit that it wasn't all their own sweat and effort that got them where they are today, that much of it is luck. Maybe they too feel like frauds, well, that I can understand- and is their cross to bear- but I do not understand not at least TRYING to understand that not everything comes as easily to others.

My meds depakote, (works okay for getting me out of bed, and keeping me out of psychosis... but does nil for the depression) and xanax for pms, work minimally- anything else usually lands me in the hospital with a bad reaction or just plain doesn't work. I won't mess with antidepressants anymore. Not unless I can be hospitalized when my chemistry is adjusting, and insurance doesn't work that way anymore. So as it stands I would have to take my chances and go nuts and put my job, my dignity and my life in jeapordy. I won't do it.

"Its amazing how beautiful people get when they smile." I know I have a nice smile. I wish I could do it and FEEL it more.

Guess what? I have a copy of The Four Agreements? I loved it. I need to look it over again, apparently.

I hope that things get better where you live. I'm glad you and your kitties are okay- give them some kisses from me and my furry friend (she is a dog, but very cat like).

hugs,
ella

September 24, 2007
11:13 pm
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Destinystar-

Hi. I am taking meds. They do what they are supposed to do. Anti-depressants (of many varieties) have not been as successful in the past. So I am just hoping therapy and lifestyle adjustments will help.

"What is the one thing in this world besides your X that you enjoy. Please let me know. "

Well, I can't exactly say that I simply would "enjoy" my ex at this point. Those were different times, though they were not long ago, I was not well, and not quite out of recovery myself. I couldn't stand to be around him, even if he were here- and he does make periodic attempts to get back with me.

Honestly, I do not know what would make me feel better. At this point in my life, I figured I'd be better. I want my healthy body back, I want more free time, I want friends (I believe that is a PROCESS that takes a lot of TIME, and cannot be forced but I do need to get out more). I would like to get back into doing more creative things.

I just don't like this bitter, angry, jealous person I have become. I get sick over the same people getting rewarded over and over again simply because they were lucky in life. But this is the way of the world and I need to live with it. If I had the spirituality that I used to, I wouldn't be so effected by this. But I lost my faith, I lost my hope and I feel like my heart is shriveling as well.

Thank you for the care you gave in writing. It makes me feel a little better that people wrote tonight.

hugs,
ella

September 24, 2007
11:15 pm
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Some sex wouldn't hurt either. 🙁 It's been a while. Maybe I'm frustrated in that department so that doesn't help.

September 24, 2007
11:21 pm
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pureheart-

Your old schedule sounds a lot like some of my days. Sometimes my life feels so mechanical I feel like something out of one of those science fiction movies when the person is living the same day over and over again. It's so bizarre that sensation, so unpleasant. Makes me want to do something completely crazy just to FEEL different.

Yes! I went to the gym. I know the pride you speak of, I wrote about the difficulties I have with my workout addiction as well though. But right now, I rather be a gym-addict than where I am right now. Sure do miss that six pack of abs! It would be nice to have it back for next summer's peek-a-boo low rise fashions.

Vanity aside, I would like the extra energy and the discipline to stay awake and maintain a routine. To be able to do something when you don't feel up to it- well that's an important coping skill for a depressed person to ...well, exercise! I do it at work, but I need to start doing it for myself.

Thanks for writing.
hugs,
ella

September 24, 2007
11:28 pm
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Worried_Dad
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Hi Mozzarella,

Mmm, Mozzarella.

Did you know that you can feed a German Shepherd dog Mozzarella cheese until they basically explode?

Works on most men, too.

Just saying.

September 24, 2007
11:31 pm
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Razor-

Hello.

"Sometimes I think people don't realize how serious this pain is and they think you should just be able to snap out of it." Got that right. And that makes it so much worse. But how can they understand I guess? I only ask that people TRY, but then again, I don't want to have to go EXPLAINING myself all around trying to GET people to understand. I just want this thing gone from me.

The thing is, my depression isn't only from my break up. That happend two (count them TWO) years ago. Yes there is an absence, I miss parts of him. But I don't want him back. I could have him if I really wanted just a different kind of suffering.

I am bipolar. Or should I say, a depressive (that diagnosis is a little loose- there is no other "pole" in my bipolar as far as I've experienced). So this is a lifetime thing. I had an okay childhood, but since I was thirteen I've been dealing with this crap. Before then, I was shy and withdrawn so the seeds of it were there- but there's something about childhood and everything being new and all that learning- the depression is just different. I can't explain. Anyway, this loss of hope has happened in recent years and it is what makes my depression more unbearable than before when I thought I would get better. When I thought I would have lighter days (I had some but those are long gone). I am also afraid of getting older so that doesn't help. I am scared I will end my life some day. Not anytime soon. But that that is how I will die, as most bipolar people do. This is not exactly something I will have ultimate control of if I do not maintain my mental health. So I try as much as I can. But the mind is a funny thing. Like most illness, it's not always within our control. I do my part. I do my best. I guess I have it hanging over my head that I will again lose control someday, and that, is very scary.

thank you for your caring,
hugs,
ella

September 24, 2007
11:32 pm
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WD-

"Did you know that you can feed a German Shepherd dog Mozzarella cheese until they basically explode?

Works on most men, too. "

Why WD! If that were only true! 🙂

hugs,
ella

September 24, 2007
11:34 pm
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oh, I meant that if it were only true that if most men were given a dose of mzrella...

I love dogs! don't want any exploding german shepards!

Well, you get me. I think.

September 24, 2007
11:35 pm
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Just saw the movie "year of the dogs" with Molly Shannon. She gets a German Shepard. I will not spoil the movie. It made me cry through the whole thing. I don't know if I recommend that movie to dog lovers who do not like to cry at the movies. I was a mess.

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