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My depressed husband
February 14, 2003
11:51 am
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Some of you know my story, but I feel the need for a summary. I am starting to question again what direction MY life is starting to go in. I just want your opinions.

My husband has been clinically depressed for about 6 years now. We almost got divorced after a lengthy (1 1/2 year) process, complete with extreme verbal abuse and hostility. In October 2002 he overdosed on his sleeping medication and was involuntary committed to a psyche ward for 24 hours. Since then his doctor changed his depression medication and we decided to call off the proceedings in December.

He (finally) got a job and now works 5pm to 2am. His days off are Friday and Saturday. Well, I wanted to have some physical therapy done on Friday afternoon and drop my daughter at our house at 4pm, instead of getting home at 6pm. He said he didn't like me scheduling his time on his days off!

Now, I watch our 4 year old all week long by myself, starting Sunday at 5pm. I handle all illnesses (asthma), doctor appts., bathe her, help her dress, feed her. And he resents watching her for an additional two hours so that I can attend to my health. (I have had migranes for 13 years, and trying another bout of physical therapy to relieve muscle spasms.)

He seems like a visitor, or a guest, in his own home. He does nothing in the house but his own laundry. No cleaning, no cooking, and certainly no repairs! Financially he does not contribute. I make more money and he is responsible for his own bills. I pay for food, utilities, etc. On that point I do not mind particularly because I have the ability to earn more. But the arrangement is not that of a stay-at-home dad.

I finally took the Christmas decorations down by myself after asking for his assistance for 4 weekends. I asked him to help me move the daybed for 3 weekends before I gave up and arranged for my friend's BIL to help me move it in exchange for a used roll away bed.

I am living like a single mother (again) and I am imposing on him by having him watch his daughter a few hours each week. I told him I would like to count on having 4 hours for myself each weekend. He did not agree.

I feel like he may be going through (another) deeper depressive episode, so I am going to visit his psychiatrist with him on Monday.

Last year I chose to cancel the divorce so that my daughter would have a father and not have him on the streets or killing himself. With the thought that I could file for divorce again if the VA came back in full force. We are having sexual relations again (after a 3 year hiatus), with a frequency of once or twice a month. But like roommates otherwise - not like equal partners.

Give me your feed back. Am I being foolish here?

Thank you for listening.

February 14, 2003
12:36 pm
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Hugs to You Beenthruthat...
I don't think asking for some time for yourself is out of line....
Sounds like he isn't willing to help out with the marriage either.
Depression is debilatating for many.... It is probably a good thing you are opening up...I didn't know.
I would be very upset with the situation. I feel like my complaints are petty 🙂

February 14, 2003
12:55 pm
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Thanks mj~

Don't go discounting what you are going through. It's real, you just have a different set of problems than I do. My husband didn't take off when I was recovering from surgery, yours did.

Of course, my hubby would probably turn into a blubbering fool if he couldn't lean on me! 🙂

Thanks for reading the thread. I battle with my conflicting feelings a lot lately. I don't mind leading my own life most of the time. But this feels like a real shell of a marriage. Mostly babysitting. And it helps to talk with you all on the bulletin board. My family lives far away and it's not like I can plop on their couch and vent. Plus, they get tired of hearing my musings. They were really supportive when I filed for divorce, but they also got their ears filled.

You might of read when I told jwt that I would seriously consider an affair if the right man came along. But right now I keep myself pretty unavailable. This is my 2nd marriage and I am very dissolutioned as to what a relationship is all about. I would never marry again. Too much trouble! But, I long for a true companion, sex puppy, supporter.!.!.!

My best friend just kicked her husband out of the house yesterday too. I think that's what has triggered my recent feelings. She found out just before Christmas that he was a crack addict. And had been for about 2 years. He hid it well. She has been trying to intervene, alone and with his family's help. She put him into detox, got in touch with CARP, did a family intervention, and after much heartache had to hand him his bags. After 19 years together. We initially became friends after we found both husbands were depressed. Now she is left alone with two boys (7 and 10), no source of support and no marketable skills. She has been so strong, even with her heart breaking.

When I compare myself to her, I have the better deal.

Well, I feel I've purged a lot. Thanks for listening.

Jenny

February 14, 2003
2:08 pm
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Oh Jenny. Like mj, I feel very petty with my complaints.

I would also be very unhappy with the arrangement. If there were a likely end in sight, it would be easier to wait. Have you asked yourself how long you are willing to live this way, how many years you will give him to never get back again? Do you wonder if it would be less tense if you were a single mom, without him? Does he bring the joy in the house down, or make it tense? If so, how does this affect your daughter? Thankfully you have the financial ability to get along without him, it sounds like. That's great! I don't know that there is an easy answer. I have just been learning lately that life is as difficult as we make it with our individual choices -- we only get one shot and we have no clue how long we've got left. I wish you the best Jenny! ((hugs))

February 14, 2003
2:36 pm
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Hi Jenny, I just got back on my computer and saw your post. My heart goes out to you because you are really hurting right now. You are basically a single parent with an extra dependent person hanging around. That is stressful without the fact that he faces depression and selfishness. He is being very selfish and not a good dad for refusing to help out. Have you guys tried marriage counseling of any kind? I know that his emotions and all make it hard to deal with him on a peer to peer level, but is there any way to get through to him the seriousness of this?

I am so glad that you posted. I think Valentine's Day and all the expectations we put on our feelings and things makes situations like yours even more hard to deal with. I am glad that you can share with us on here. I am not great with advice but you can talk as long and as much as you need to. You are NOT being unreasonable to want his help.

February 14, 2003
3:09 pm
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Listen to your body, what is it telling you? Deep down, you know what to do here. If this has been going on for 6 years, do you think it will get any better? You know that a body in motion tends to stay in motion unless an outisde force is enacted on it, just like a body at rest will stay at rest, yes? Is there a major change coming that you think could alter the current course of events? If not, are you OK with the way things are now?

Thinking of you, sending good encouraging vibes your way...

February 14, 2003
4:10 pm
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Hugs Jenny,
After my 3rd failed marriage...I wrote a statement that I would never get married again....bought a home instead...went to a twelve step program....chose to do it again 🙂
You could say I am an expert at leaving!

If I were in your shoes, I would hand him his walking papers....Life is too short to put up with a nonsupportive husband....and if you ever want to try it again...that's an option too 🙂

February 14, 2003
4:16 pm
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Soo.......what it really looks like more than anything is just pure low down laziness. I've been very depressed before and I've known people who have been very depressed and it didn't stop them from being responsible and caring people. I suspicion this is one big excuse and he's milking it for all it's worth. I mean, what motivation does he have to do anything else? He's got it made in the shade. I'd make it real uncomfortable for him, if it were me. Hey, life sucks sometimes, but beating depression is more about you willing it so than anything else. That's the only thing that makes you really "move" to get help, to take your meds, to take - action. I see him enjoying the fact that he has no responsibility here. I'd rip the rug right out from under him. Sink or swim, Dude. Life's a bitch, get over yourself. Ain't no picnic for me here either. Sorry I'm so harsh here, just not buying this for some reason. Doesn't smell right to me. I just look at things like what you ask him to do and I'm like.......that would mean so much to you if he'd just do those things, but unless he's got a broken leg or is blind or doesn't hear well - there is no excuse for him not doing those little things for you, ya know? That is just a blatant sign of a much larger problem and I think it has more to do with him just being self centered and willing to let you do whatever while he kicks back. Time to give him a kick HELLO of your own.

February 14, 2003
4:23 pm
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Ladeska ,

You rock! You said it well!!

This woman is so much stronger than this weak man.

February 14, 2003
4:58 pm
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I'm sorry. It's not my place to call anyone weak. I don't know him. I apologize. Disregard above post please! (hangs head)

February 14, 2003
5:04 pm
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They are giving you good advice Jenny. You have to follow your heart though and do what is right for you. There has to be some kind of change though. You can't continue to live like this. This isn't the life that is healthy for you or your daughter. He has to step up to the plate or he is out. You deserve some help and need the help. Stand your ground and don't let his depression be an excuse for his laziness.

February 15, 2003
9:54 pm
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Hi Jenny,
Hope you are feeling better tonight!

February 16, 2003
6:17 am
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Jenny, that is not a healthy way for you to live. You gave him the chance to get it right, called off the divorce etc.etc. As Lakdeska put it, he is here for the free ride, and he 's getting it. DON'T let thoughts of GUILT rack your brain, cuz he sure ain;t seeling guilty about NOT being a good husband or a father to his daughter. Time to lose the Albatross. Hope you are doing well!!

February 16, 2003
6:17 pm
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I fractured and dislocated my right arm on the 9th. yea I am right handed. Since the night it happened,the one thought is thank goodness I left Sybil. I am frustrated as hell with my limitations,and it hurts, but at least I don't have to listen to him, experience his disappointing lack of comfort,or hear him ask why the house is a mess, or when I think dinner will be ready, far less experience his rage with displacedb emotions at the inconvience my thoughtless ness caused him..... it won't change. sad but true, easier on my own history repeats until you change it. bet he causes your headaches.....

February 16, 2003
8:07 pm
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Well I'm all for depression, but I'm totally against depression being used as an excuse. I have no sympathy for that. It seems to me that he's using his 'depression' as a very good excuse to let you shoulder most (all) of the responsibility. He's capable of working...he works 9 hours a day, 5 days a week...so obviously he's not completely incapacitied due to his depression. I'm assuming from some of your other posts that he is capable and relatively responsible enough to mind your daughter, so it's not like he can't do it, he only chooses to when it suits HIM. He doesn't like his 'time offs' being scheduled? What about your 'time offs'? That's life and that's what having children is all about. He shouldn't have helped produce a child if it was going to be too much effort to help raise it.

So maybe you do earn more money then you do, but why is it that he can't contribute ANYTHING towards family day to day living expenses? He's working full time yet he doesn't have to chip in $50 every week to support his family? Why not? He can do HIS laundry, but he can't help do yours or your daughters laundry? Why not? There is a basic concept behind all types of laundry...you master one, you can master most of it.

So are you happy with the way things are? When you decided to stop the divorce is this what you envisioned your marriage would be like for the rest of your life? I really commend you stopping the divorce proceedings to try again, but at what costs, Jenny? What's his role here? How long was he going to be allowed to pull the 'I'm depressed card'? Were there expectations that he had to only do his laundry for the first 3 months, but then he had to start progressing to doing everyone's washing or start washing the dishes etc? It sounds like he put in a bit of effort in the beginning to win you over, but now the 'honeymoon period' is over he's not all that willing to keep performing. What you describe isn't a marriage. It isn't a partnership, it's you being forced to run the show with him chipping in when it suits him with the expectation that everyone is going to be estatic that he made a measly show of effort. You've been saying that you haven't had any 'expectations' because you know that if he doesn't live up to it you'll be disappointed. All I can see is that if you keep going the way you are, he's never going to change because you seem to be buying it and all you'll do is end up feeling (rightfully so) resentful because of it.

February 16, 2003
9:27 pm
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After re-reading my post I want to apologise if my post was a little harsh. I guess my point of view has been biased by my BF's dad. He's pulled the "I'm too depressed to do..." thing for years and has got away with it (not having a job, being financially supported by his children for years and my personal favourite...'The quinsy episode', where my BF had quinsy (an extreme form of tonsilities) and his throat was so swollen that he was unable to eat or drink for a week and was having trouble breathing. His Dad got out of bed long enough to recognise his son might die and was charitable enough to drive him to the doctor (who announced that my BF had 'the worst case of quinsy she had ever seen and he had to be admitted to hospital ASAP'), but wasn't charitable enough to take him to hospital straight away and instead made my BF sit in a crowded waiting room (even though he was about to pass out) so that his Dad could have HIS doctor's appointment to get a script filled - urgent business of course. But there's more...when his Dad got around to taking him to hospital, he ended up dropping him off at the door of the emergency department stating that "today at all been a bit much for him and that he couldn't face sitting in a hospital so he was going home to bed", leaving my BF to wander in, fill in his own forms, admit himself, sit around waiting for over an hour till they could find him a bed and stay in hospital for several days without any visitors. Unfortunately my BF and I weren't dating at this point or I would have taken care of it myself). Yep, I'm angry about it...his son ended up losing 10kgs through not eating or drinking for a week, was on a drip for a week and ended up having to have two operations over it, but we're all supposed to be 'grateful' that his father pulled it altogether to take his son to the hospital, even if he couldn't be bothered waiting to see if he was alright or ended up suffocating at the admitting bay, because, you know, he is depressed. I get it. Depression is debilitating and it's bad etc, but there are times when things are more important than the fact that you feel like being a non-existent human being by sleeping for 18 hours a day and then moping around the house for the remaining 6 hours. The problem with depressed people is that they focus all their attention inward. What a perfect opportunity to try and pull away from depression by focusing on someone else for a change. But nope, why should he? He had an excuse because 'he's depressed'. Well, life doesn't stop just because you're depressed. Life goes on and sometimes you just have to suck it up and cope with it. No one else gets to take a break from life when things turn to shit; everyone else is expected to soldier and be 'strong'. You know, being forced to be responsible for someone else or something else is probably going to be the best thing for him.

February 16, 2003
9:33 pm
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Opps...OK now I'm apologising for ranting on and taking away from your thread! Sorry!

February 17, 2003
12:40 am
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VERY WELL SAID Squeezles!!!

February 17, 2003
10:59 am
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You know, I think this is why I started this thread. Because I have an internal conflict about my husband. How much is depression and how much is just selfishness and laziness? Don't get me wrong - I don't walk around feeling guilty because he's depressed. I understand that it does affect some functioning, but it is now time for him to start building a better future. For his sake as well as his family's.

Right now it is more that I don't know how to progress with him. Maybe deep down I don't want to set boundaries to change his current level of responsibility. Maybe because I feel won't rise to the challenge. And then I'll have to do the same thing I started in 2001. And, I don't really know that I was happier being single. Of course, he was a general [email protected]@-hole then, so I had more that just being by myself. And I became very tired. More tired than I am currently.

But, I also know I can't have things stay at this level (i.e. non-participation, or less!) for much longer. It's balancing his stability with my needs as a wife. I think I will be better results by consulting with his psychiatrist about what my support should be and what my husband should be focusing on. This may get us into marriage counseling again.

To all of you, thank you for your insights. I'm in the middle of the forest, you know, so I have a hard time evaluating my own situation. My dissatisfaction is rising (again), and that is what has prompted my musings for the past couple of weeks.

Plus, I think that I have been in this situation for so long that I am not really sure what a relationship should be. I guess that sounds pitiful, but I've been with this guy for over 11 years. This selfishness wasn't apparent at all for the first few years, but grew into this hideous monster I'm grappling with now.

Thank you all for your thoughts on this matter. You all make perfect sense to me.

Jenny

February 17, 2003
11:10 am
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A little correction here:

'I think I will be better results by consulting with his psychiatrist about what my support should be and what my husband should be focusing on. This may get us into marriage counseling again.'

I am looking for my husband's cooperation to be better if I get his psychiatrist to recommend hubby begins taking on more responsibility. Like it is part of my husband's treatment plan to increase his responsibility, with maybe some clear areas for hubby to concentrate on. As long as I see some progress I would feel better.

Sorry if I confused anyone!

February 17, 2003
12:34 pm
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Jenny......you know, we find ourselves in situations in life where we turn the ball all around and ask questions about - why are we here? I think you're doing that right now and this is good.

One paragraph kinda jumped off the page at me when you said -

"Maybe deep down I don't want to set boundaries to change his current level of responsibility. Maybe because I feel won't rise to the challenge. And then I'll have to do the same thing I started in 2001. And, I don't really know that I was happier being single. Of course, he was a general [email protected]@-hole then, so I had more that just being by myself. And I became very tired. More tired than I am currently."

I see alot of things in there. One that is very obvious is the part about him becoming a general [email protected]@-hole then......well, well....so he
Can exert himself when things are not going his way?? Funny how that happens.

The other thing from the overall general statement here brings me to ask you - what are YOU getting out of this situation? For some reason - you allow this, are codependent with him, make excuses for him and continue on this trail because it gives you something.......

Now, it doesn't have to be anything "good" that you get out of it, but there is a reward of some kind in here for you and is the reason why you are tied to this man. You know as well as I do that counseling isn't going to help him. If it would - he would have sought it out himself long before now. I mean 11 years and he hasn't been the one initiating anything? Um....okay...

I also see fear here in what you write......fear of being alone of being stuck with getting to know "you" and not being busy with all this trauma and drama and pain in your life. That's kind of insulting to what I've come to know as a vibrant, smart, articulate, wise, beatiful woman on these threads. So what gives here? You simply don't deserve this, but you obviously think you do...........for some strange reason. And what would that reason be? Any ideas?

Yea, yea, marriage is a committment, etc., etc., etc. Where's his? I'd think you'd be plenty tired by now of doing the work for two by now, right?

As usual, we talk around the real problem because I think deep down we know something illicit lurks there. Something we have put to bed inside ourselves that just doesn't sit right. It makes alot of chaos in our lives and we talk about the chaos but leave what's making it - very much alone. We just hit the surface level of things.

Just my personal opinion here, but I don't think you need to hide the beauty of who you are as a person behind this charade that you guys are doing with each other. But until you really get to a point of realizing you don't deserve this kind of waltz in your life and that he is very much a responsible party here and that you have every right to pull the plug on him and see if he can use his Mister Nasty energy to do something constructive here.......

I think you already know the answer to that one, don't you? Again.......back to my original question. What do you get from this kind of torment? What lie does it reinforce inside yourself about you that you have every mental facility in place to uncover and know that - this isn't true. And regardless of how long you have believed it and acted accordingly - don't you think at some point here it's time to straighten this out and not go through another 11 years of this crap?

You did know I'd talk straight up to you, right? And I hope you do know it's not because I'm just being a meanie. It's because from what I know of you on here - you expect that and really want that. I just want your best here and this isn't it, sweetheart. It's just not. You know it and I know it.

February 17, 2003
1:32 pm
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Thanks Ladeska~

Yeah, I always like it straight up!

I do know what my payoff is for this, actually. I'm in control. Kind of. It's a reversal of my previous marriage. I am not the mousy one here. I make the decisions. I have the money. I have (some type) of control. And...I pay for it by having a non-marriage. A baby diapering role. A sick payoff, but there is a part of me that likes that. And, I get to whine I guess.

I only see the guy two days a week. And, he has his 'visitation' with his daughter. In a jointly owned house. With his little passive-agressive lack of support. I might be trying to gain my father's attention too. You know, the dad that was never there and didn't ever acknowledge me.

So, I have a decent idea of why I do what I do. I'm not sure why being alone would be scary. I've done it. And, it wasn't much different. Except he actually does take some of the load off of me on the weekend. As far as time dedicated to my daughter.

I can't look inside a crystal ball and see if things would be better without him in the picture a couple of years from now. My track record isn't too good with men. First I get Mr. Manipulator for a husband, then a couple of jerks as SOs, then this guy. If I could find a woman companion who could provide me with the same level of support I am having now, or a little better, I would consider that (sans sex, I've never considered lesbianism).

Someone to share the bills and child rearing. Yes, that would be nice. I'm not really afraid of being alone. I do listen to my own thoughts and don't mind being by myself. I can look at my past and figure out many things, why I did stuff, what the consequences were, how I tricked myself...

I have to admit that going through the divorce proceedings last year was gruelling. His hostility, the posturings, his poor me committing suicide thing. I don't hate him. I'm kind of in a stale mate right now. And questioning if things can get better. Obviously I would have to make changes and expect my husband to shift into a more adult role.

So, everyone, tell me what you think. My ears are very open. I hate to admit it, but I can be a jerk sometimes too. And a bit stupid.

But isn't that what life is all about?!?!?!?!

Jenny

February 17, 2003
2:55 pm
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And there it is straight up you back to me! We're curious creatures, aren't we? We do we do - what we do? Sounds like you guys have a mutual arrangement. He's just stepping on that one nerve a little more than usual maybe. Hey, just tie him up in a box and ship him to Tasmania and if he comes back to you return mail - then you know it was truly - meant to be!!

You're a smart lady though and whatever you need to do and really want to do - you'll do. Otherwise, vent if you need to. Just let it rip!

February 17, 2003
4:21 pm
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What I need to do is work on developing a growth strategy for my husband. What I want to do...

How about a year long hiatus with a boy toy, responsive to my every whim, lots of massages, fun, laughter, dancing (ohhhh, I love to dance!) and whatever would make me feel loved and cherished.

Hm. Guess I'll just settle for a bubble bath!.!.!

Maybe I should move over to the dream thread...

You're really great, Ladeska. I hope you know how special you are. I appreciate you very much, and I'm glad you pop in here!

Thank you!

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