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My daughter's mad! Or am I?
October 13, 2001
7:40 am
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if_only
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Was I a bad mum not to notice her pain as a child?
What if she was sexually abused? I am such a horrid evil mum not to notice, it's my fault she's ill.
Oh God what if she doen't get better?

October 13, 2001
6:30 pm
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if_only
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What else could have happend in my daughters past to make her this way?
You guys are so helpful to me I thought you may have an idea.
Sexual abuse was a good one, any others that could have made her this way.
Tahnkyou so much.

Jacky

October 14, 2001
11:39 am
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if_only
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Hello.

Sorry to write again, my daughters psychiatrist suggested that she could have been in an abusive realtionship with a boy in the past that made her this way.
Does anyone have any experinace with this and what would have happened to her.

I think this is very likely.

Thankyou.
Jacky

October 14, 2001
6:00 pm
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SuzyQ
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If Only,
I'm so sorry that this has happened. It sounds like something happened to your daughter at the age of 14 to trigger the "anti-social" behaviors. You said that the psychiatrist thought that maybe she was abused by a boyfriend. Was she dating anyone at 14? I do think that something might have happened to her for her to either engage in these behaviors or seek out peers who do this. I know that a lot of therapists online have suggested sexual abuse. I have worked with many victims of sex abuse, and see why this has been the suggested theory. I wouldn't rule it out, but am not completely convinced that this is the case. Many victims (of SA) I have encountered have had Borderline Personality and eating disorders. This may also have to do with the b/f thing and the type of peers she was associating with at 14. Just a thought.

October 15, 2001
12:31 pm
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Molly
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What good is assigning blame? The most important thing today is to get to the root of the problem, period. It is so easy to get caught up in the me thing, and guilt, but your human right? There is absolutely no such thing as the perfect parent, we get blamed with our short commings no matter how hard we tried, or what we did or did not do. This is not about what you did, or didn't do, this is about tommorow, and today, getting her the proper treatment, proper diagnosis, and your emotional support for her healing. I am sure you are in terrible pain, and confusion, and wondering the who what where why and when, and what you coulda, shoulda, and woulda , but that doesn't change a doggone thing. So, shake those thoughts out of your head, become an investigator, research, chemicals, diagnosis, and counseling approaches, look into the hospitals treatment modalities, and converse with your daughter.

October 16, 2001
3:21 pm
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Ladeska
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hm,m,m,m.....If Only - you're very worried about this "being your fault"? Do you know where this comes from? Why you would be so obsessed with this. I re-read your writings and you express alot of worry about - it being your fault... Sometimes, we subconsciously know something - but we can't quite bring it out into the light because we are afraid of it. This may or may not be true - but what I've noticed in human nature is that so many times when we are in pain and we know what the answer is - we will turn outward and cry outloud for someone to tell us the answer - when in all reality - we know what it is....we just want someone to walk there "with us" because it terrifies us so much.... Is this where you are?

You know - it's not about fault finding here....it's not about our own egos, or our reputation - if it is love - it is about how to ensure her life - is made better in whatever way possible. Most often - truth is the best antibiotic.

So, unless there is a possibility you might have an answer - you're too afraid to look at - I'd suggest that you calm down and take the focus off of - fault finding or blame laying. We are complex creatures...picking the lock - isn't easy.

You so seldom say anything about her father. What was the relationship between the two of them? And how would you talk about your relationship with her growing up?

October 16, 2001
5:10 pm
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dede4444
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Chiming in. If-only, I've read it all. It sounds like you've done your best. Their right, consentrate on what you can do now. You must love your daugter very much to be so deeply touched by this. Your daughter is not a lost cause, I belive with your love and support things will get better. If I had a Mom this dedicated I would truly love her, even if I didn't show it. Keep up the good fight, she needs you now. Don't take the blame for somthing that may not be your fault at all, think about this. I am the daughter of a mentally abusive father. I ended up with BAD boyfriends and nobody Knew! Chin Up.

October 17, 2001
12:16 pm
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Ladeska
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If Only....sometimes we get so busy projecting our questions, busy worrying about - is it our fault, etc. - that we forget to "listen".... Sometimes listening simply means - becoming quiet... I perceive that - you do not do this well. That even is you are quiet on the outside - your tongue is beating your brains to death on the inside! (smile)

Quietness...generates peace....opens ears, eyes....opens doors that were never there before. When we are always talking, always questionning, even if the answer came - with all the noise - would you be able to recognize it?

Sometimes....the very best thing you can do for a troubled person is make your space - a pleasant place "to be". A space that says - I won't allow you to hurt me, but at the same time - I offer you this space where - I am listening to you...interested in what you have to say, how you feel, what you think, what you are interested in....taking the focus off of - how I might be responsible for your pain and putting the emphasis on - who are you - the whole of you...I want to know.

I really believe that the best gift we can give anyone is to just hold who they are - as a vase - simply holds flowers. Not in judgement, not in analysis, not because you want something from them and not because they need you - but because - love is "knowing someone" intimately. We innately know - when we receive this from a person and it doesn't have to be spoken. We just know.

Sometimes our anger comes from - the very closest ones to us - do not know us and have never really taken the time to do that and we get very angry about that and proceed acting out that anger in many ways.

There are many reasons for this and one of them may be that we - suffer from not knowing or appreciating ourselves...thus we transfer all that onto our offspring and the generation bears fruit of the sins of the fathers and mothers down the line....trickle, trickle until someone says - Hey - what's going on here? What's REALLY going on here?

It is a sin - not to know yourself and not to truly know those whom you love. That IS - love. People - desperately want to "be known". I firmly believe it is one of the most powerful needs we have.

This is hard to do when we've been used to attaching a judgement or a comment of what you think or how it should have been done better or labeling it with a stereotype....when in all reality - that's not "holding someone's identity". That is trying to destroy it, to make it be something else without first - really appreciating - what it is. The painting should simply sit and be viewed.

We don't have to approve of who someone is order to "know them"....people don't necessarily require that - but they do require that you really "hear them, see them and acknowledge their uniqueness". This.....one thing - goes a long, long way in healing someone's troubled heart. It doesn't take alot of talking when you arrive there - they will know it when they see it come from your eyes and the way you hold them - you are reaching out - to "know them" and to be the vase that holds the flowers.... Without this respect coming from you - no one will ever truly listen to you either. No one will be home on either end of the phone. Communication will never happen.

This is the way of peace....of grace...of establishing a bridge between two souls...we talk way too much - we have other means of communication at our disposal.

When is the last time you just went somewhere and sat and simply listened to the noises of nature, to your own breathing, your own heart beat without allowing compulsive thoughts to race through your mind of this and that? Life more than anything is about learning. Would you like to learn a new path?

October 24, 2001
11:10 am
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Ladeska
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Blondie.....like I said before - you can stand beside me any day as the warrior you are.... You know, it may not be true that sexual abuse is the case here. True enough. But, I think what we are trying to drive home here is - "keep watching"...educate yourself, don't discard the thought because it is so uncomfortable to think about. That's all. It's a very hard thing to uncover alot of times, very hard, for reasons that Blondie mentions here and she was very cautious!

This is a scary world and unfortunately stuff happens even when we try very hard to prevent it....

It's just that - the sooner someone can get help - the better. The sooner they can start understanding - it wasn't their fault - the better. And the sooner they can realize - they are not alone....the better.

A person feels sooooo alone in this scenario, especially a child...and they build up all kinds of walls and distortions in their minds about who they are....working with them is like doing delicate surgery later on because all these vines are wrapped around their hearts and their thinking... It's very tricky business and I step very lightly with them. And when a vine is removed....they need downtime and rest....then I back off. Or sometimes, we get close to a truth and they react with rage because it's so painful to go there....again, I back off. This vine....would be very connected to vital areas in their life and could leave them devastated if not removed correctly and with precision timing - which always means that - they give permission.

A wounded person of sexual abuse is much like a wounded animal in a cave. Most of the time I deeply realize that they will, at some point, try and take off my arm level with my shoulder and I prepare for that....as best I can. (smile)

So, if nothing else - this is all just good education about the subject matter here. I always say that someone will run into at least one person in their lifetime where this information will prove invaluable to a life, so I don't feel bad about sharing it. The "one" child is worth it all.

Blondie.....my heart hurts for you regarding your children....and regarding you and your own hurts. You're probably alot like me...I don't need nor do I want people's pity about what I went through. However....it would be nice if people wanted to "understand" how it happened, how to prevent it and to not treat me like I am the one with the plague because it happened to me and I now speak of it. It takes much courage for you to "step up" and just want you to know....I deeply understand...((hugs))

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