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My daughter is turning into my ex-husband - help...
August 8, 2007
7:00 pm
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bizchick
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My ex-husband was a very abusive and unpleasant person. He would follow me around the house yelling about stupid things for hours. He had a pot addiction and was generally messed up. My daughter, now 14, is demonstrating the same kind of behaviour. Two weekends ago she ended up in jail overnight for assaulting her boyfriend. Last weekend she started a terrible fight with him again and threw me across the room. The police came but did not take her as she promised to go to bed. When they left she began a vicious verbal assault on me. When she is happy she is very charming and sweet but these episodes are more than I can cope with. I recognize all the symptoms of codependency here and even though she is not an addict I think she has all the characteristics of one. I don't know where to turn for help with this.

August 8, 2007
7:21 pm
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your daughter is 14 - is she in school? Is there a school counsellor you can talk to? It seems to me that your daughter has huge anger issues that need to be addressed.

I had a friend whose daughter reacted very badly to my friend's divorce and had some behaviours that sound like your daughters. Eventually when she left home she completely broke contact with her mother and so far has not re-established it. I hope you can prevent an outcome like that by getting a handle on things now.

August 9, 2007
1:22 am
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fantas
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Bizchick,

therapy is a must with her because like Kroika said she is very angry and lacks emotional and behavior control skills. Did this start all of a sudden or has she been this way? If it's recent, when did it begin? Is it possible to talk to her about what is causing her anger during those times when she is happy?

I think you need to set clear boundaries about her abusing you verbally or any other way. She is 14 so if she doesn't learn to control herself her life could be ruined. I suggest that you let her understand that there is going to be no more violence towards you or in YOUR house. Take things away from her and be very firm with her. Call the police on her just like you would any other violent abuser. Let her understand that it's okay to be angry but she has to express herself respectfully.

All the best to you. Keep us posted!

August 9, 2007
2:30 am
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bizchick
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Thank you for your feedback. She has always been a challenging kid but worse since she's had this boyfriend. He is fairly nice but can't handle liquor. He comes from an abusive background with a father who is an alcoholic and who beat him to unconciousness once. They are like fire and gasoline when they drink. Most of the time my daughter is very loving with me and she tells me every day that she loves me but then she gets those angry upset hurt times when she explodes. How do I get her counselling when she doesn't want to participate? Who do I get to councel her?

August 9, 2007
3:22 am
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fantas
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Bizchick,
Did I understand that she ahd her boyfriend drink or is he the only one who drinks. How old is he? This is my personal opinion but I think 14 is too young to have a steady boyfriend. She doesn't have the emotional and intellectual maturity to deal with male female relationhships.

If she wont go to counselling then, you might be it for her. I think you have to establish really firm boundaries with her. If she is used to getting her way by acting up, she will probably fight you hard on the boundaries but she will be thankful later in life that you guided her.

Why do you think she is so angry? Is it at her father? Is she trying to fill his place with this boyfriend?

Wow, this is a tought spot you are in. Keep posting

August 9, 2007
7:13 am
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she is only 14 and drinking???? how old is he??? cuz that's way to young to start with booze.

I agree with fantas, why not counsel her yourself, and set some firm boundaries, and "talk" with her, you are her mom and she could be going thru a huge phase, maybe the divorce, maybe drinking too much, who knows....talk with her.

Good luck

August 9, 2007
12:38 pm
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bizchick
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I totally agree that she is too young to be drinking and that she should not be with a steady boyfriend. With a 14 year old it is difficult to control these things and all I can do is try to guide her. She did not drink until this guy and of course as he is older he can buy it for them. I am establishing some very hard lines. The boyfriend is not longer allowed to set foot on my property at all. If he does I will call the police. The unfortunate result of this is that she is not coming home now. I have to maintain this line just the same as I cannot live like I was with them creating havoc in my world. In answer to a previous question, it is summer vacation so she is not in school. She will be back in school in September in theory. As for her anger, I think it is mainly due to the dysfunctional marriage I was in. She is very angry with her father but it spills over to me as well. I know she loves me a lot but I am an easy target for a lot of the anger. I wonder how this happens that a person grows into what she has become. I am a gentle and generous person who has loved her so much all her life. I wonder if I have been too giving and too inclined to fix things for her as she was growing up? I can only think I have created this mess and now I have to figure out a way to fix it. That starts with changing myself but I'm not sure how.

August 9, 2007
4:03 pm
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fantas
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Bizchick,

I feel for you. I think that this guy needs to be in jail. He is dating and buying liqour for a minor? It's called statutory rape and enabling the delinquency of a minor. There is thread here where a mother is dealing with the repercussions of her son dating a 14 year old while he was 17 or 19. He went to jail for it. So if this guy is old enough to buy liqour, he is an all out sex offender at this point.

since your daughter is 14, she has no say in the matter at this point, you need to decide what kind of people she is to hang out with. Adults are out of the question. She can throw a fit bit she will be home safe doing it. I have worked with girls in these kinds of relationships and I am yet to see a good ending to it.

You can also let her know that counselling is not an option at this point either. She needs to deal with her dad's anger. Sounds to me like she is trying to replace him with the older man. She isn't even aware of what she is doing or the damage this is doing to her emotionally and psychologically. Let's not mention how her life will change if she gets pregnant at this age.

Can you and her dad band together on this one or is there no contact whatsoever with the dad?

I do wish you the best. Please keep us posted.

August 9, 2007
4:52 pm
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bizchick
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As 14 is the age of consent where I live there is no issue of statutory rape. The boy in question is 22 chronologically but only about 16 mentally. Nevertheless, providing liquor to a minor is an offense. The problem is proving it. I can say he did this but after talking to the police, they pretty much have to catch him in the act to make it stick. I know of other girls her age who are having unprotected sex with multiple partners. I thought I was realtively lucky that she was having safe sex with one guy. We have talked a lot about protection and she is on the pill plus using condoms regularly. She is a very bright kid with some deep issues.

The last police visit was from someone who happens to be a close friend of mine. The boyfriend was gone when he arrived but he arrested him later that evening for being drunk in public. He told him that he was not to come to my house at all or he would be arrested again. He has not been back to my knowledge since then. My daughter is not coming home now though and that is a worry. I do know where she is at least.

I have made contact with my ex and he has agreed to help however he is very manipulative and is making noise about how it is conditional upon 'going through the right channels' which I read as me giving up my custodial rights to this child. I would not be inclined to do that as I don't trust his judgment. I will try to get his cooperation anyway and hope he will step up to the plate for once and do the right thing.

I have written my daughter a letter indicating that if she wants to have a relationship with me it can only happen if we go for counselling together. I have indicated that I will not provide any benefits to her unless this happens and failing that her father is available if she needs help. I did not use any blame or guilt in the letter and instead told her I love her and that I believe she is capable, intelligent and beautiful. I told her I trust that she will find her way to making good decisions. I also said that I don't understand her anger and that I want to understand it. I said that if I am the cause I want to mend whatever created this mess. If I am not the cause I want to work with her to figure out where it all came from. I hope she comes around. I also told her that I don't like feeling angry or being around violence and that I must make decisions that will free me from those harmful reactions and that is why I have pulled away. I'm so sad and very worried about her.

Thank you all so much for your feedback.

August 9, 2007
5:28 pm
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(((bizchick)))

Your letter to your daughter sounds very clear, direct and non-shaming. I hope very much that she will take the opportunity to go for counselling with you.

Not being a parent myself, I can only dimly imagine what going through this might be like for you. I wish you and your daughter all the best.

August 11, 2007
2:52 am
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bizchick
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In case anyone is interested my daughter has agreed to go to counselling and today we went together to set it up. she was doing great and seemed genuinely glad about it. She was in a better frame of mind all around. Her boyfriend's mother has stepped into the picture again and I know that gives him a lot more balance which will benefit her. I would love to try to control this but it just doesn't work that way so I am trusting that it is as it should be.

August 11, 2007
4:38 am
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Good news, bizchick!! I hope that you get a good counsellor and that the process is helpful to you and your daughter. Also glad that her bf's mother is a stabilizing influence. Sounds like things are looking up for all of you :o)

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