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My darkest day thus far
March 20, 2010
9:43 pm
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LouWho
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Day 39– My darkest day thus far

A bad day, it has been a dark day indeed. I woke thinking that it was time to cancel all the past few weeks of treatment and therapy and just get back on board the obsession train. Just blend into the old patterns and go on with the endless pain, at least I wouldn’t be alone………….

And I think that could possibly be the sickest sentence I have ever written.

I cried today, for the first time in a few weeks. That kind of gut wrenching crying that comes with a lot of screaming and few tears.

It was a dark day.

But….in all that, I kept silent, I did not back down, I did not go back, I did not retreat. I did not break the “no fly zone” rule.

I am struggling...finding it so hard not to go backward...seeing so little reason to go forward.

Crappy day, but it is almost over. It is night.

It is always a relief when night comes...the promise of a new day.

I think about all of us going through our various struggles-parents who abuse us, lovers who neglect and mistreat us, families and their routine cruelties masked as righteousness– the amount of pain that flows from these posts like so much water pouring over the spillway of a dam.

As long as we are here, we are not alone.

Tomorrow will be a brighter day.

Just gotta keep the faith, right?

March 20, 2010
10:18 pm
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Mugsie
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"But….in all that, I kept silent, I did not back down, I did not go back, I did not retreat. I did not break the “no fly zone” rule."

Lou,
Through all of it, remember this sentence, remember why you wrote it, and know tomorrow is a brighter day because it is one day closer to healing.
Keep writing....though you are going through a tough time, there are many here who want to help and, I for one, appreciate the words you have that have helped others and myself.
You are not alone
(((Mugsie)))

March 20, 2010
10:23 pm
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curious64
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Wow, Louwho your words could have been written straight from my heart. I to have cried a lot today, but also resisted the path of least resistance. I did not call him, did not go look for him. But for some sick, stupid reason, when I look at the empty space where he used to be the tears just flow.

My fear of being alone forever is eating at me like a hungry shark and I don't know what to do. i don't have any real friends, he was my world. Now as I sit here alone in front of this computer I am just thankful for this site. At least there is someone out there somehwere sending encouragement my way. ((hugs)) rest well and keep posting . We can get through this.

March 21, 2010
7:47 am
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Anonymous
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LouWho:

I hope you awake a bit lighter, more hopeful and jazzed for a wee bit of adventure on a glorious spring day.

Carpe Diem! 🙂

March 21, 2010
11:06 am
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lost and on eggshells
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LouWho,
I see how strong you are and it gives me hope. The first thing I noticed was 'day 39' and I thought Wow! that's such an achievement and I'm jealous. I can't get to day 8 with my co-dependency with my abusive narcissistic man. You have come so far and should pat yourself on the back and treat yourself to something very nice today for you. You are going to see the brighter side soon and I hope you will share more and let me know how your days are going. It gives me hope and you are doing great! You deserve a great day today! Thanks you!
(((lost and on eggshells)))

March 21, 2010
12:52 pm
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Lanigirl
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Day 39, keep going Lou! It has almost been 2 months for me and I have days like you described. Do you have good days or moments? You can do this!

March 21, 2010
4:45 pm
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searchingtruth
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Thank you for sharing...."you are not alone" I am you with less success in stringing those days. I get to 2 and I am phoning or texting or drinking and crying. It does hurt, but he is not with me at least ...keep writing...you are helping many.

March 21, 2010
4:51 pm
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CAMER
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wishing you better days ahead......and 39 days is a long time, and you have come so far, and yes obstacles, and blockades do get in the way, and this day shall pass.

March 21, 2010
7:41 pm
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LouWho
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Day 40– Thankfully back into the light

Wow. What a difference a day makes, huh?

In all bleeping honesty, not a thing different happened today, there was no great news that I had won the lottery, the cute guy around the corner did not smile at me as he jogged by, and my rotten spoiled pups did not miraculously become potty trained over night.

The only thing that happened was that the darkness lifted, it just went away.

Thank you!!!!!!!!!!

And best of all….ATTENTION KMART SHOPPERS—I DID NOT BREAK THE NO FLY ZONE RULE!!!!!!

Yeah, baby.

40 days, it is like being sober after 8 months of being drunk or high. High, I was high on my own brain chemistry for 8 months living in non-reality. And you know how much reality sucks—not nearly as much as living in the altered reality of a non-real relationship.

Yeah, I may be alone, and lonely sometimes. But I am not living in the “nightmare” anymore.

And today, I feel better.

And guys, it was your words that made it more tolerable. And posting my pain and desire and longing here helped me to get through the day and not make the mistake.

And for all of you folks out there that are hanging on by a toe nail, let me just say one thing to you: making it through yesterday and putting one more day behind me and away from that nauseating illness/obsession, IS FREAKING GREAT!!!!

I didn’t have to wake up with that dread, that self-hatred of defeat, of caving to being weak and crawling back to my illness. Somehow, whether it was posting, divine intervention, or just a good night’s rest, I made it through the dark day. And having that day behind me, I actually feel pretty darned good.

So….what have I learned from Day 39? We will have dark days, but they go away. The key for me was to just hang on. Reminding myself that going backward wasn’t a real option, it was just a delaying tactic. And had I slipped, it would be a long way back.

I use to be a smoker. I loved smoking cigarettes. But 15 years ago I quit. And after that I would pick it up for a few days or a couple of weeks, then put it down when it seemed like it was becoming a habit. This went on and off. No big problem. Then a year ago I picked it back up and it lasted for 5 months. When I realized that I become a smoker again, for real, I was shocked. When I quit for the last time, it was hard. I mean really hard. I Jonesed hard that time. The smell of smoke would make me ill. But I made it.

It was so hard to quit, that I now understand that I can never pick them up again, because I don’t want to have to do that work all over again. Too hard. Too much work.

So...the next time I have a dark day I will do the following: I will read this post, I will think about how hard it was to quit smoking and how much I don’t want to have to repeat that process, I will think about where I have been, and how hard the journey has been, and how much better I feel today- not falling back into old habits.

And if none of that works, I will climb into bed, plug in some dopey movie, and cuddle with the pups, and ride that *itch out. Movie/pup therapy.

Thank you all for helping me. Moon, Camer, Eggs, Mugs, Searching, Curious, Lani, and all of the rest of you guys. The only reason I am at Day 40 is that you guys are pumping life into my fledgling lungs.

We can do this. We can get past this crap and get onto a healthier path.

Tomorrow may be bad, or may not, but I know that going back is something I didn’t do yesterday, and pray I won’t tomorrow. And as my behavior gets re-trained, reconditioned, re-learned and changed, maybe I will never have the desire to consider it.

Back on the path...and grateful. Come along with me.

March 21, 2010
10:31 pm
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Mugsie
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Here's to Day 41 and beyond 🙂

March 22, 2010
12:48 am
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Lanigirl
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Lou,

I'm so glad you made it through. Thanks for sharing because tonight I'm sucking wind here trying to make it through the night.

March 22, 2010
10:17 am
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LouWho
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Lani-
Wish I had got this message last night- are you still sucking wind? (The visual just looks like it hurts!)

If so, I am sending you my "get out of jail free" card-- to take a day off from your sickness/obsession/problem and get out into the sun, or find one thing to do for you today. Just for you. Find one thing to make you smile.

Sometimes you just gotta hang.... Give it time, give you time, and hang in there. I know this will pass- what's going on?

March 22, 2010
11:26 am
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curious64
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LouWho - So happy to hear you made it through the dark day. You will never know how much your words have helped me. I'm so excited to see that Day 40 was so much better for you.

I told my ex he had to leave 1/11/10, but he has only actually been out of the house for 3 days and it did nto end well. Seems for me the worst time of day is late evening. Things calm down, I'm home alone, housework done etc and I am alone with my thoughts. That is when the tears flow.

getting on this site and reading from people like yourself help me get through those times. Congratulations on getting to day 40. That is awesome!!

March 22, 2010
4:28 pm
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lost and on eggshells
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LouWho - Congratulations on getting through day 39 and onward to a better life for you. You give me hope. Now I just have to get my courage. Thank you! (((Lost and on Eggshells))

March 23, 2010
12:58 pm
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Lanigirl
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Thanks Lou,

Day 42 for you? It's comforting to know that if you can continue, so can I.

I got frustrated with myself because I had a setback. It's been a couple of months and the angries set in. I posted on another post and I realized that my abandonment stuff is coming to the surface.

I went hiking yesterday and that helped a lot. Have to give myself time, don't have to act on the feelings of wanting to do him damage, and not worry or think about where he is, etc. I want him to miss me and to know that he does. What yucky feelings but there they are.

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