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My Dad's getting married
October 29, 2002
7:51 pm
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Fuzzle
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Has anyone been in a similar situation? I'm looking for some support to get through this.

My Dad is getting married next month. I hardly know this women. She is from another country and only arrived here 5 months ago. I don't live with my Dad any longer and since she has been here I have only met her maybe 4 times (for about a total of 2 hours) when I've gone around to my Dad's place to pick up my mail. Since she has been here my Dad no longer reguarly contacts me (done from about 8 times a month to once a month) and seems to avoid any attempts I make to contact him (ie not answering the phone, locking the gates to his property so I can't even knock on the door, something he never did before). I guess it is a 'new' thing to him, but I find it somewhat sad that he is ignoring the rest of his family. Part of this is probably my fault. I admit, I don't really want to 'know' this women. She makes me uncomfortable and I guess I feel somewhat sad that my Dad is getting remarried (thinking about my Mum and my used to be family), not to mention that this whole thing has happened very fast and I think with little consideration of his family's feelings (I'm not saying that he should ask 'permission', just talking to us and asking for our thoughts so we felt included might have been nice). I DO want him to be happy, he has a right to live his life how he wants etc, but does that really mean that I have to be happy about it? I suppose it is not like I have to live with them. Is it selfish of me to be upset by the thought that now all of my Dad's possessions will go to her? She is from a poor country and when she came out she had very few assests and possessions, so my Dad has had to provide everything for her. No doubt she will inherit the house and contents since otherwise she'd have nothing. Is it wrong for me to be upset by those things? It's not the money so much, more I'm upset at the thought that she will get the family 'heirlooms' and other sentimental items that will probably mean little to her, but lots to me and my brother. There is the possibility she'll give us these things or that my Dad will specify those things for us, but there is also the chance that that won't happen.

I really don't want to go to this wedding, but I can't get out of it 'gracefully'. I'm going because my Dad would be disappointed in me if I didn't and despite my feelings on the situation, I don't want to hurt him. Some days I'm fine with the idea, other days I'm not. I've bought the present already, but today I was looking for cards and wrapping paper and seeing them all has put me on the verge of throwing up! Any suggestions on how to deal with the wedding and reception? So far my plan is to smile, say congratulations and then avoid as much as possible. I don't want to be rude, but I also don't want to be there.

October 30, 2002
10:03 am
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beenthruthat
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Hi~

I like your strategy for the wedding, be cordial but distant. You don't know her, so no reason to fake it. Maybe your Dad has his head in the clouds now, and that's why he's being so private.

My father married a woman shortly after he and my mom got a divorce. They were married for 25 years and she never established a bond with any of his kids. When my dad died 2 years ago she got mostly everything. However, my dad did give us some of his rings and things from the time when he lived with us. It was strange, but understandable.

If I were you, understand your Dad is going through a new 'beginning' which should include you - but maybe not in as active a role. Don't expect much from your Dad. Just let him give you what time and attention he wants to.

If something bothers you, it is your right to discuss the issue. Make sure you are not doing so for the wrong reasons (jealousy, fear, insecurity). You are an adult now and need to go into more of a friendship role with your Dad. If his locking the gate bothers you, tell him why. For instance, that you feel he is denying you access to his life. Of course, he might not have wanted you to just walk in without knocking and finding them in a compromising position. Maybe there is a compromise there, like maybe you could call first before coming over.

Also, this woman may be in YOUR life (albeit on the sidelines) for the next 25 years. So, you may want to attempt to get to know her. Not as a mom substitute, but as a friend of your father. You may actually enjoy her company!

Good luck with your situation!

October 30, 2002
10:42 am
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Alena
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Hi Fuzzle,
Beenthruthat said it all, very good advice. My mom met a man 2 months after my dad died and within a year she was marrying him. I was devastated, lots of anger, I got over it and am so glad I did. Don't alienate your dad. Let him live his life and in a short time he'll be ready to enjoy time with you again. Be cordial with his new wife, she doesn't have to be anything to you but your dad's wife and companion. She may feel odd also, probably dad has some mixed feelings going on too.
Give it time, if you remain on good terms, it will all work out. Re-read what Been wrote above, all good stuff.

Good luck kiddo

October 30, 2002
9:30 pm
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Fuzzle
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Hi,

Thank you both for the comments. I’m really dreading this wedding and I appreciate the support going into it.

I’m bothered by this wedding because I think that he is doing it for the wrong reasons – he’s looking for a way out of depression and thinks that this is what he wants to make him happy, when instead I think he should be looking at the specific problems rather than just trying to cover it up with a band-aid solution. I think he is putting her on a pedestal and pinning all his hopes on her for his happiness when he needs to be finding happiness within himself.

I’m not really interested in knowing her. She is from a different racial background to us (one which by nature I’m not particularly ‘sympathetic’ too) so I find the notion of my father marrying her uncomfortable. Basically my father has a mail-order bride. That’s embarrassing to me. It’s not very politically correct perhaps, but these are my feelings. My father doesn’t see this – OK he’s happy, but he doesn’t really appreciate or care about the impact that her presence has on other people. I question her motives for being here. Is she just using my father to get to a ‘better’ country? For money? Is he using her because he wants someone to keep his house clean because he is too lazy to do it himself? Maybe they love each other but this doesn’t seem like a solid foundation for a marriage. I am also aware of at least one one-night stand before she came over, which makes me question his true commitment to her. Plus this whole thing has cost him a lot of money and he really isn’t in very positive financial position – my brothers and I have had to support and bail him out many times. Now we have our own lives to lead – we need our money for us. I’m dreading the possibility of this whole thing falling through (when the fairytale is over) because there will again be the expectation that we’ll pick up the pieces and I now think that enough is enough. These are his decisions he needs to accept responsibility for them. I understand that it is his decision to marry who he wants and that we need to accept that our family will make decisions we don’t often agree with, I just feel that at no stage has he considered other people’s feelings and instead has expected us to accept these dramatic changes almost instantaneously and in fact forces the issue quite severely. He really hasn’t given us a chance to digest and process the new situation in our own way.

I am quite happy for him to have his own space – I’m sure they both need it. I relinquished my key to the house when I moved out (and I believe he has changed the locks since then anyway). I only go over there if it has been prearranged. Trust me I would feel more uncomfortable finding them in an uncompromising situation then they would! I have only gone over there spontaneously and found the gate locked when I have tried to contact him for several days, but to no avail and since he has had suicidal tendencies in the past, this bothers me.

Anyway, I accept that this is happening. I have no say. I’m just looking forward to the wedding being out of the way so I can go back to living my life without having everyone scrutinize how I’m reacting. I’ll let you know how it goes.

October 30, 2002
10:22 pm
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Alena
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Fuzzle, I think you have the right idea. You have a right to feel whatever you feel about your dad and his gf. But since you are both adults, he probably feels that he doesn't have to answer to anyone. Maybe you would feel this way also if you were in his shoes, ya think?

It would be nice for him to discuss this with your siblings and you, but if he doesn't you just need to get through the wedding in a classy, courteous way. If he needs you down the road for some financial support, you can either help, or say no dad, cant do it this time. If he needs your for emotional support, you can either be there to hold him up again, or not. The choices will be yours, as this is his choice right now. But I hope that regardless of what you feel for her, you will give him the benefit of the doubt. If he has been depressed in the past, if he is trying to help himself be happy, you really can't do alot. Is there any way you can talk privately with him for a minute and ask if he has given this alot of thought and share with him how you have his best interests at heart? If not, then I don't see what you can do. If you don't want a relationship at all with her, would he be agreeable to spending an evening a week with you, without her?
Even if not now, he may when the honeymoon is over (not literally)...I would just suggest that older adults can make stupid people mistakes also, not just kids. If you love him, keep the lines of communication open with him. You sound as though you will be fine....good luck, do let us know, ok?

October 31, 2002
11:11 am
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Cici
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Hi Fuzzle,

You might remember me from your previous posts - I remember you. It is a tough situation, especially because of your Dad's mental health situation.

Othes have shared their experiences, I'll briefly re-visit mine. My Dad had 3 adopted children before he met my Mom. He was also an alcoholic for 12 years. He stopped drinking when he married my Mom. There was and still is (30+ years later) a lot of disapproval from his family.

From my Dad's adopted children, I've heard it all. The arguments about how my Mom and my sisters and I took away "their money" (even though my Dad was the one who worked and earned the money, and it's his decision how to spend it). Suspicion about what my Mom wanted out of their marriage. The fact that she was 22 years younger than him.

Just a different point of view from everyone else. I used to get so upset, I wished so much that my Dad's family would look at us like we were people, not look at our skin color, or the way our eyes are slanted, or all these things that are not in our control. I wished for so long that they would just deal with us like we were human beings, not things to be repulsed by. It hurt me when the little kids would pull away from us, or rub my skin and say it looked "dirty". It hurt awfully. Because like any other human being, I want to be liked, even loved, not hated.

Anyway, your Dad is an adult. He is allowed to have his own life, yes? I mean, if he was saying all this to you about your boyfriend, would you be OK with it and would you drop your boyfriend because it inconvenienced everyone else? I dunno. Seems like a double-standard.

October 31, 2002
1:18 pm
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beenthruthat
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Fuzzle~

I seem to read a lot of hidden anger in your post from yesterday. Like, you resent your Dad because he...does things that cause you (and your family?) pain.

The suicidal tendency, bailing him out financially, now him doing something like this...is how I read it.

Maybe a good area for you to investigate. Does your Dad disappoint you? My parents were no angels either. All very human and sometimes very frail. And sometimes very stupid!

Now he is shaming you by bringing into the 'family' someone that is of another race. If he ran around naked in the front yard - would it be your fault? Naw, he makes his own decisions and should deal with the consequences, whether good or bad.

Look at him as another human, not as a model Dad. And let go of any residual anger. I'm working on that type of issue myself right now!
🙂
Good luck!!

October 31, 2002
2:03 pm
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Cici
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I have been thinking about this situation a lot this morning, and I hope my first post didn't come across as too harsh. No justification for that post, it was maybe written from an angry place but I don't think it was abusive. If it reads as such, I do sincerely apologize.

Thinking about this more, I was wondering if there are any other underlying reasons for this residual anger at your Dad? Are you upset with him because he puts you in the position that you tend to take the role of "parent" more often than he does? That can cause a lot of anger in children. But because of the way the power is distributed in the parent-child relationship, children can sometimes be afraid to display their anger. So, they choose a less powerful target to vent their anger on.

Just a thought...

October 31, 2002
3:31 pm
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gingerleigh
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Hey Fuzzle, just wanted to throw my 2 cents into the mix. I have nothing to offer as to how to get through this, but maybe knowing others have similar experiences will make you feel not so alone.

My mom was married to my dad for 28 years. For the last 8 years of their marriage, she was having an affair. I knew about it. When I left for college, she left my father for this other guy. That was in 1993. Finally, they got married in June of 2002. It took 10 years, I've had plenty of time to get used to it, I never liked the idea, will never like the idea, and I went to the wedding and wanted to barf the whole way through it. But, I got through it, and now it's all over. You will get through it too, and your life will get back to normal.

My dad may be getting married soon too. It just never ends sometimes. 🙂 Hang in there, sweetie. We may not agree with what our parents do, but they are adults too, and are responsible for their own choices just like we are.

October 31, 2002
6:18 pm
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Ladeska
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Too bad you don't have Cici, Ginger, Beenthruthat, Alena and me at the wedding - cause - we'd just all contribute to your deliquency here and get a little punchy on the "punch" and probably take your mind right off your woes here. You have to kind of look at things from a comical perspective here, too. Tragedy/comedy.......fine line sometimes. Bottomline though is - it's his life and - your feelings are valid, too.

Hey, just go buy yourself a slingshot and position yourself in some really good location during the reception and just fire at will!! Olives work well! Pitted ones of course.... OMG and like I've ever done that!!! no, no, just figured olives would be good, I mean...they probably stain well and, and....probably sting, too...and you could keep her jumping for hours.... Hey - you could be the Olive Wedding Sniper!!!

And there is no doubt in my mind that - she's got her eye on whatever is his.......BUT - he is allowing it, too, right? I'm sure it's quite the little contract and they will iron out the particulars between them. Just be glad you're not there to observe on a daily basis..."ugh".

October 31, 2002
7:11 pm
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Fuzzle
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Ahh well yes, Cici, your post did make me a little defensive *smile* but I appreciate that we are coming from a somewhat different position, so obviously our opinions are going to be somewhat different. I respect your views and I do honestly sympathise with your situation (your ‘dirty’ skin etc), but you were born into your situation, yes? That was your life, so it was ‘normal’ to you, yes? Me? I’ve seen my mom and dad as a happy little nuclear family, I’ve then had to live through my parents getting divorced and it’s taken 10 years but I’ve finally accepted that and got used to it and now my Dad has taken it upon himself to change it all (again) and get married and not only get remarried he’s shipped out someone from another country to marry. Changes, changes everywhere! I accept that you see it in a different light because your family life is all you’ve known. This new situation is not what I’VE known, so I guess I’m from the position of your adopted siblings – they had/have the same reaction as me…maybe it’s not very fair, but it’s probably normal, nevertheless? Having said that, I do appreciate and thank you for telling me your story – I guess I just see the different side of it and so have a different perspective.

My doubts about the marriage: I know that she had (before my Dad) corresponded with 3 other people (and become engaged to one) with the intent of moving to their country to marry them, so I guess, yeah, I wonder if my Dad just happened to be the one she managed to snare. If that didn’t work, I’m sure she would have moved on to the next guy. He got set up with this women through some friends that have wives from where she comes from…it’s like she’s a fashion accessory or something. But it’s not so much about what she’s getting out of the marriage – I mean it’s not like my Dad is some passive player that just happened to fall into this situation – he actively pursued it as well. So what is he getting out of it? He’s been depressed for so long that he thinks that she’ll be the answer to his prayers and his depression will go away. Getting her here was like his little goal – the only thing that kept him going. That’s great, but now she’s here is the challenge gone? Is he just going to go…well she’s here but I’m still depressed? Of course he is, because he’s pinning his happiness on ANOTHER PERSON! You need to be happy for yourself. And my Dad is a pain in the ass to live with – it’s not so much a matter of my Dad getting sick of her, I’m more worried about her getting sick of HIM. I suspect that he wants her here because she’ll happily act as his ‘little women’ and cook and clean for him (an attitude that really makes me repulsed). Plus, how he is going to support her? Up to 4 months before she came here my family was paying his utility bills (and other expenses) because he couldn’t afford it. But he thinks he can now suddenly afford to look after TWO people when before he couldn’t look after one? And he’s spending money left, right and center to impress her…probably on credit, which I believe he’s fraud the company to get such a high limit. He seems to think that he’ll set her up in some job as a seamstress (her occupation) and life will be all apple pie! Well it’s been 5 months and she hasn’t (and I’m not criticizing her for that, she needs the time to adjust, I know) he just seems to think that whenever he needs the cash he’ll bail her off to work. He has no concept of how difficult it may be for her to get work (well enough) in that regard.

I accept she’ll get my Dad’s possessions when he dies. I don’t really care about any ‘money’ – I sincerely doubt that there will be much, if any, apart from which I’d never ‘rely’ on it as a given and I am quite capable of making my own money. I don’t care about the fridge, the bed etc etc, but I do care about the sentimental possessions. What about the piano? It was my Grandma’s. I love that piano – I learnt to play the piano on that thing. What about our dining room table? I remember my brothers and I playing ‘haunted house’ under that thing. What about all our photos? What about the presents I gave my Dad over the years? These are the things I care about. Oh well *shrug*

OK, I’m sorry, I’m getting upset and aggressive unnecessarily.

Yeah I guess I am angry. For years I’ve supported my father because he’s been ‘too depressed’ to work – and by support I mean EVERYTHING (phone, electricity, gas, doctors bills, food etc). When I move out his contribution is to tell me that ‘you shouldn’t buy regular chux (cleaning cloth) you should buy GIANT chux, because the regular ones just aren’t big enough’ and to happily tell me that I could take these bath towels (umm, yes, but they were mine) and the computer chair (umm, yes, but that was a present from you so one would assume that was mine too) and oh and after I’d been eating on the floor for a month (no table/chairs/couch) he lends me a broken plastic patio table. Thanks for the help. All the while, he’s sending money and presents to his girlfriend. No, I didn’t really expect anything, but like a bag of groceries with some toilet paper, tooth paste and his bloody giant chux so I didn’t have to buy them myself that night after I’d worked and then shifted my stuff before collapsing into bed might have been nice. When this whole thing falls through or the credit card companies start chasing him, he’ll come around and expect me to pay up, because he did his bit raising me – he sent me to a good school didn’t he? And anyway, you have a good job don’t you?

If he ran naked around the back yard, no it wouldn’t be my responsibility, but I would still be embarrassed.

Cici, if my family really didn’t like my boyfriend and had strong, objections then I would contemplate leaving him. My family’s opinion is important to me and I don’t see the need to upset or aggravate them unnecessarily. Since I want them in my life, I wouldn’t want them to be negatively affected, such that they would pull away from me.

No Alena…no chance of having one on one time with him now – he thinks that she should be involved in everything. She probably has that right, but he is still my Dad, you’d think it would be acceptable that I’d want some private time with him occasionally too. My Dad thinks that everyone should be as ecstatically happy as he is. He doesn’t see the discomfort in ‘this is a new person, we have a mom, you’re getting married again to someone we don’t know’ – he knows and loves her, so we (by diffusion or something) should also feel this way instantaneously. Nah, doesn’t work that way.

Thanks ginger…how did you get through the wedding? At the reception (his house) I’m planning to go outside and play with the cat. I love cats : )

November 1, 2002
11:21 am
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Cici
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I see your point and I can understand why you'd feel this way. I propose that your feelings toward this woman aren't really as much of a problem as your frustration with having to parents your own father. It seems like he has been kind of floating along in a depressive fog while his children support him, but every now and then he wakes up and tries to be a parents, sort of, and that can get irritating.

But, as a saying here in the U.S. goes, "You can pick you friends, and you can pick you nose - but you can't pick your family."

Sometimes we have to do painful things, maybe just to confront your own reluctance or fear. I had a miscarriage in August and my oldest sister was already pregnant. She delivered a healthy baby girl in early October, but I was still crushed and very depressed about losing my little one. I was jealous, really, because I had lost my baby and my oldest sister has three children now.

So I went and visited. It was painful to do, I wept when I held my niece, but I did it. And even though it was depressing and painful, I was proud of myself in the end.

I guess it's just different opinions and attitudes. Perhaps because of how I was raised and the obstacles that were presented to me, I resist other people controlling me through disapproval. I guess since my Dad's family viewed my very existence as inappropriate, I figure I have nothing to lose.

I am sorry if my post made you defensive. I had my hackles raised. My sister's husband was disowned by his family for 7 years because he married a "half-breed" who wasn't white, and it was sad how his family lost out on a big part of his life - his college graduation, his marriage, the birth of his first son - because of their prejudice.

I can totally understand your hurt at your Dad's new marriage since you were so hurt by your parents divorce. I can completely sympathize with that.

November 1, 2002
4:08 pm
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Ladeska
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.......well, I still think the "olive shooting thing" is an option for the reception.....

November 1, 2002
8:02 pm
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Molly
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I could be way off base here, but I think I am seeing some of this stuff in my girls. No doubt their dad is close to getting married, or just going to continue to create this family that has taken residence of his house since last year.
My oldest shut her dad out when she was 13 over a girl friend that he seemed to pay more attention to than her. Surprise surprise, the lady stepped back into his life after another marriage and two small children last year. In the mean time my oldest was a mama's girl and the youngest moved right in and was daddy's girl, emotional incest, sure thing, or typical crazy Fruedian stuff, but any how things were the way they were, both my girls with me. My oldest had an up set which her dad bailed her out of literally, and their relationship started to build, she was 21 so there were several years of anger, pain and abandonment issues to heal. I was glad, knowing the potential consequence for her adult life with a issue with her father. So they got close, so close that I got ditched. Some competition between the sisters, but they worked it out, and worked it believe me.$$$$$$ Then this lady comes on the scene last year and all the family bonding, including the girls, small children make it easy.
This isn't rocket science, but I find it coincidnetal that her divorce decree and the girls getting cut off financially, and the sudden burst of attention in my direction all at the same time, go figure.
Little girls always want their daddys undivided attention, they will create difficulties even in intact families where there isn't a divorce... Little boys do the same thing with their mothers. Ain't no man gonna move into my spot, know what I mean, even if they are 8, 13, or 17, sometimes 22, and 30.
Sounds like your old enough to drive,close to adult,or on your own, and let your dad make his choices, live love yada yada.... Toss olives at the reception, but you will always be his kid, no doubt, and don't doubt. This could be your inner child stuff,that started before SHE came on the scene. Give it time the adult you, and the adult him will work it out. Of course this is just my opinion, and I could be wrong. Just wait till you have yours, and see where dad fits in your life, none the less it hurts to feel slighted, when you were the special one. Never forget that you will always be special to your father, and that place is yours and yours alone. But he perhaps feels that its time to move on with some one that can give him what a daughter cannot.

November 1, 2002
8:14 pm
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gingerleigh
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Cici I thought the saying went "you can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't pick your friend's nose"???

November 5, 2002
8:29 pm
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Fuzzle
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Thanks for taking the time to post, Cici.

You are right. I’m frustrated and angry at my Dad for the way he’s acted – both before and since she’s been here. I’m sick of being MADE to be responsible for him. Sure he’s my Dad and I’m sure he changed my diapers and got up in the middle of the night for me plenty of times when I was a baby – but isn’t that what having kids is about? Does that mean I’m automatically sentenced to support him (financially and emotionally) because he decides he doesn’t feel like functioning anymore? I’m pretty pissed off that he would expect me to pay his $1000 a month phone bill to his fiancée and then when I’d come home from work (after he’d been in bed most of the day) he’d proudly show me the new saucepans, plates, cutlery, pictures etc that he’d bought to impress her when she came over, all the while he’s telling me he’s broke and needs me to bail him out. I know. My fault for letting it happen, but he’s my Dad and ya think ‘well you should help them out when they’re having trouble’. But then he’d turn around and do his ‘we don’t do that in this house’ crap, which since it was just us two in the house means that it’s not HIS way and technically since I pay all the house expenses it’s MY house, not his anyway. Having a parent that doesn’t parent but still thinks they have the right to dictate everything because they are the parent is irritating. Eventually, I got sick of the crap and moved out. Best decision I’ve ever made, because it finally forced him to get his shit together.

I’ve been thinking a lot about this situation the last few days and you’re right – my feelings on this situation aren’t so much ‘her’ (and who she is etc), more I’m confused (and bothered) by why my father wants her. Why? What makes someone wake up and go “I’m going to ask my friend Roger to set me up with some woman from another country (his wife is from the same country as my Dad’s fiancée)”. Like WTF? I would understand if my Dad had gone on a holiday to this country or he was a marine and he’d been posted there or she’d come here for a holiday and he’d met her and they’d fallen in love and decided to get married. That’s logical to me. I can understand that happening. Why seek someone who is so unavailable (it took ages for her to come out here because she has health problems and wasn’t allowed in for a while)? It’s not like there aren’t women here. His being with her was more of a ‘I’ll correspond with several women and then I’ll go over there and make them fight each other for my affections and then I’ll decide whose won’. That’s how he describes it – his fiancée is the one that ‘won’ (there was another one that was vying for him too, but she obviously wasn’t up to scratch), not as the one that he ‘fell in love with’. I guess I find the whole notion of his fiancée as some kind of ‘prize’ really disgusting. I guess it’s also trivial (we shouldn’t be embarrassed by other people’s reactions after all) but the fact of the matter is in the wider community she will be viewed as some type of ‘sex slave’. I don’t know if that is true of them (I do know that my Dad used to send her Cosmos etc – he says to give her an idea of the kind of things we have here, but I interpret it more as a ‘so you can some pointers of what I expect you to do when you get here’ type thing, which makes me think again ‘WTF?’ and more importantly why my Dad thinks I want to know crap like that), but I’m concerned about what people will think of them. Again, I know it isn’t my problem and I’m not really bothered from a ‘it will make me look bad’ perspective, more I’m worried about how she is going to handle that. I don’t think my Dad’s really thought about the impact of this situation on her.

Anyway, I’m not here for pointers on how to break them up. It’s too late for that – they’re getting married on the 20th - and I’m not really interested in doing that anyway. I’m more here to try and understand it all. I’m not interested in ‘disowning’. I think that’s pretty stupid – just because people make ‘bad’ decisions (ie decisions we don’t agree with) doesn’t change the fact they are the person you otherwise love. I accept that this is a reality. She apparently makes my Dad happy and I guess that’s a good thing. I heard a few days that he is stopping smoking and re-joining a gym, which I guess can be attributed in part to her. I’m not really looking forward to going but I guess we all have to do shit we don’t like to do. I’m even thinking I should suck my gut in and offer to help set up for the reception. I’m still going to spend most of the time outside I think. It’s going to be the only way I can deal with it, but at least I know I’m going to get through this situation.

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