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My dads death is slowly KILLING me
April 20, 2001
1:19 am
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nkm
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On april 18 1999 my dad passed away. I had not seen him since 1987 when my parents divorced. I can't say that I have been eternally depressed over this but it has been really hard for me. During the wake and the funeral I had to be the "ROCK" for my mom and my sisters. No one was there for me. Years later I still have not been able to cry, or let anyhting out. I have not been able to tell my mom and sisters how selfish they were.
I think about him every day. I can't talk about it to my sisters cause they don't want to hear him name mentioned cause they start crying. When I try talking about it to my mom she starts remembering the bad things about him (he was very abuseive) and I get up and walk away.
I say it is killing me cause I feel myself slipping into a drepression that I don't want to go into cause the outcome may not be good.
How can I get my sisters and mom to hold me after I held them?

NKM

April 20, 2001
10:46 am
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Cici
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You can't really control the behavior of other people, or force them to do things that they don't normally do. Why not ask them for comfort, not for anything specific, but just comfort?

Also, a good way to work through grief is to write a letter. Write one to your father and, if you can't have a discussino about your issues with family members, write them letters about how you feel. You don't have to send them, really, but it's a good way to work through issues.

April 20, 2001
11:46 am
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malaikau
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One of the most valuable things I have learned in my life is how to depend on me for the things I need. It's always nice if we can look to other important people in our lives for love and support. Unfortunately often times they are too wrapped up in their own chaos to recognize the needs of those around them. I think it's wonderful that you were able to give to your family at a time when they needed you the most. I also think that if you were able to be there for them, then you have the kind of gentle, generous, caring and supportive nature to be able to offer yourself the same kind of nurturing you gave to them. You are valuable, and you deserve to have your needs met. Be there for yourself the way you were there for them. I promise you will find out that it feels just as good to treat yourself special as it feels to have others treat you that way!

Hang in there! And forge ahead knowing there are lots of us who do care about your wants, needs, and feelings!

Sincerely,

Mal

April 20, 2001
1:03 pm
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Molly
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We can't always get from others what we need, I didn't speak to my mother for 4 years after my father passed away. I now realize that she needed to process in her way, I judged her, and she judged me. Grief comes in waves, we think we are doing ok, and then all of a sudden WHAM. My mother passed away in 98, we had had the opportunity to heal our differences thank goodness, but the truly strange thing that happened, my sis, brother and I thought we were dealing ok with things we all had lots of stuff going on in our lives and never connected it to the death. One year to the day, not knowing until the next day, surprisingly all three of us quit our jobs! Wierd huh. I don't know if it was that we were now orphans, because both parents were gone, but it has been a long process for all three of us, my brother is still suffering, he was really the closest to her. Depression is an understatement. I recommend like Cici, to write letters, and get some counseling. There are 7 stages to grief, and we all progress at different stages. Don't make your family wrong because they can't help you, they have their stuff to, and you can't give from an empty well. Get your needs taken care of by a professional, or get some good books on processing grief, if you belong to a church or temple, that would be a good place to get free support.

April 20, 2001
3:33 pm
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pg lova
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NKM,

Jesus said "Whosoever believeth in Me though he be dead, yet shall he live!"

I'm a minister and what I will tell you to do is look to God for the comfort you need. For, it says in the Bible that He grants peace that surpasses all understanding. Also, just remember that now, your father is okay because he is with God. My child, let go and let God. He can handle all of your problems. Also, in you ever need counseling about your dad's death, e-mail me at [email protected] and I'll definitely get back up with you. God bless U and like Jesus said "Let not your heart be troubled."

April 20, 2001
5:40 pm
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janes
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Why did you HAVE to be a rock during the wake and funeral?

Noone would have ever condemned you for letting go at that time. did your mom and sister ASK you to be strong?

I gather that you took this job on yourself (as I would have)

Selfish? I don't think they were selfish but rather...grieving. Noone can know when you (or I) need support unless we tell them. If we don't tell them...it can't be their fault...unless they can read minds.

I agree with Mollly and Cici...grieve in your own way and allow others to do the same. Forgive those who you see as "doing you wrong". the letter idea is a good one.

Many hospitals and counseling services offer specific grief counseling -

An old but good book is " On death and dying" by Elisabeth Kubler Ross...or just stop by the nearest book shop and spend some time in the counseling section...

good luck and God Watch Over YOu

April 23, 2001
12:43 am
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nkm
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Thank You all for your words... They have helped alot.

Janes,
you are right I know they can't read minds... And no noone told me I had to be the Rock...
Well not really my brother asked me to try and be strong, and If you believe this my dad asked me.
I forgive them for not being there for me as I was for them. They are my Fam. and I LOVE them not matter what. and I'll always be there for them Not matter what.

PG Love
I always turn to GOD, I know this is the way to stop hurting but it does help alot when Family is there for you too.

Molly,
I am sorry for your loss, Glad to hear you were able to fix it with your mom before she passed away.
I was not able to do that with my dad and I think that is paret of the problem. I live in the States and My dad lived in Puerto Rico. The last time we spoke was in oct. 95 and we both said some real nasty things to each other. He was a very abussive man to me and my mom, (My sisters were to small) I ment every word I told him at the time and I don't regret that. I just wish we could have talked about it before he passed away. and yo are right I do need some counseling not just for this matter but others that I have too...
but it is too expensive for me at this time.

Malaikau,
I know my fam were to wrapped up in there own chaos to even think about me then and now. I understand that and I don't have a problem with that, I just wish I had some one to hold me while I cry. That is all... I just want someone to hold me....

Cici,
I have dont the letter writing thing and you are right it does help alot. My mom and sisters are to busy to stop for one moment and comfort. I have asked and all they can tell me is I live to far (30 min away) or it is too late for them to come over, or maybe tomorrow.
But when they need I Run.... It is just how I am. Know that they will not run when I call.

Well the entire day came and went and I got not one call for my Fam. asking if I was OK. towards 7pm I called my mom and sisters to see how they were... OK they said.
Not even my boyfriend was there for me. He took off with his friend after work. I had asked him not to go out that I was going to need of him that day... But nothing...

Mind you at the time I was not doing thinking that They then HAD to be there for me when it was time for me to grieve.

NKM

April 23, 2001
1:03 am
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malaikau
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NKM,

If I could, I would gladly hold you while you cry. But I can't. And even if I could, I doubt it would ever come close to the feelings of peace and comfort you would experience if your own family were willing to take the time to hold you. It's not right for you to have to endure your pain alone after you gave from the heart so generously at a time when you, too, needed the very thing you gave away. I wish there was something that could be said here that would ease your pain, and meet your need for comfort. I will be happy to keep on talking with you, if you find it helpful. And I can send you some "mental" hugs as well.

Your friend,

Mal

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