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my childhood
September 11, 2005
11:03 pm
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iknowiam
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i am a codependent alcoholic.

i have read that your upbringing has alot to do with how i became like this. i will share that with you now.

when i was 5 years old my parents had a huge blow out. this was in 1979. my father (the alcoholic) came home one night very drunk. he beat up my mother. he stole me away from her and drove me to a rest area on some highway between NJ and CT(he was too drunk to drive) CT was where my fathers mother lived (my grandMother)at the time. my mother and father both have 9 other siblings. anyway. my mother got all of her brother and sisters together and some friends together and drove to my gradmothers house. she Wanted me back and was not going to take no for an answer. but i was not there. i was somewhere on some highway rest stop. so at that time had an uncle on my fathers side that was about 12 years old. my mother kidnaped my youngest uncle telling my grandmother that she could have her son back as soon as she got me back.

well my mother and about 8 of my aunts and uncles (on my mothers side)and there friends all in all about 15 people if my memory is correct all went to jail. i lived with my grandmother for about 2 years i think (not sure of the time frame). she was very poor and my grandfather was ill at the time and died sometime after i left. i remember one year for christmas i got nothing. I was so sad so upset. they told me that santa didn't get the chage of address and couldn't find me.(this is so hard for me to talk about so i have to type it out). that is one of my most upsetting memories. not that i needed any matieral things my grandmother was very loving. i think at the time i felt more upset because she was so upset that she couldn't give me anything. and my father was nowhere to be found. this made me feel like a burden. all of my life i have felt like a burden. this incedent has haunted me my whole life both consciencly and subconsciencly. i dont love myself. i participate in self distructive behavior. i over indulge in alcohol. i get involved with women who are abusive and neglectful. i dont care about myself as much as i do them. i am in aa now and am seriously considering going to alanon.

I never saw my grandmother after 1981. i recently foundout she died in 1995. i spent alot of time in the 80' being afraid that my father would kidnap me again. i lived in a fear of that. i would sometimes run into him on the streets around where i grew up. he wasn't there and didn't pay any child support. my mother did't want any either. it was probably better that way but it would have felt good to have him fight for me alittle. to feel like he atleast wanted me. i love my mother very much but she is also sick and became an alcoholic over the years.

do you guys think i could ever feel comfortable in my own skin. ever feel normal in life. am i doomed to be like my parents. all of my realtionship are codependent and unhealthy. i dont know what i want in life and i am not getting any younger.

September 12, 2005
1:54 am
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Lass
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I Know:

I am in AA, too. Do you have a sponsor? Alanon and ACOA and CODA are all helpful, but sometimes it helps to address the alcoholism nice and solid first. First things first. Really dive in.

I am so sorry you were hurt. You were just a little boy. What we here are attemtping to do is create a safe place to grieve, and to dust ourselves off to begin again.

Some of that work is re-parenting ourselves. There are lots of helpful websites and books on this aspect of recovery for codependents.

Love,
Lass

September 12, 2005
10:27 pm
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Matteo
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iknowiam,

I know you can feel comfortable in your own skin, that you are not doomed to be like your parents, that you can find a purpose and happiness in your life.

The fact that you've acknowledged your alcoholism, is the first, the most important step. Being and staying in therapy will help you getting in touch with your feelings, recognizing them and ending your self-destructing behaviour. And since your parents were not there for you, you yourself will have to fill up the void in your heart, and again the therapy will guide you.

You can do it, you deserve it, and you owe to yourself, to this little boy inside you, to make positive changes in your life. The fact that you've reached for help and that you desire a change is the best proof. You are on the right path.

I am truly sorry about your childhood; no child should feel about himself the way you did. I wish you all the strength, persistance, faith and hope. I am sure that one day you will be able to enjoy your life and love yourself. Take care.

September 14, 2005
10:58 am
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Randomwomen2
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I am just learning to be confortable in my own skin. I also had a very rough childhood. And it realy brings your selfseteem down. I know that for a fact have you ever been through therapy? I am right now and it has helped me trmendesly.damn i cant spell but you know what i mean. If you dont have insurance a lot of places will work on a sliding scale. I know my mother stole me from my ex step dad and vice versus. My ex step father is due to get out of prison in three weeks so i do understand the whole watching your back thing. I have done it for 19 years and im 22 so please continue to wrute because there are people whole truly understand and care about you
Love
Julie

September 14, 2005
11:26 am
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revelation
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Hi,

I've just read your story and I really identify. I too have always felt like a burden, I have had litte confidence and was always waiting for the worst to happen.

I am in counselling at the moment...thats why I use the word WAS. I am determined to leave me childhood where it is...in the past and to move on to the future with a healthy attitude. I am not a burden, nor are you. You are an adult with a bad childhood and a good future, keep repeating that.

September 19, 2005
10:13 pm
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iknowiam
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its been a long time since i checked this. i just sort of wrote it and didnt look back until just now. thank you everybody for what you wrote. i checked it a few hours later and didnt see anything and was disapointed. it makes me feel better to read what you guys wrote.

do you guys know any of those books. can you send them

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