Avatar
Please consider registering
guest
sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register
Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search
Forum Scope


Match



Forum Options



Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters
sp_TopicIcon
my boyfriend's back and I'M gonna be sorry
April 20, 2009
12:38 am
Avatar
Guest
Guests

if i don't cut the crap. what is wrong with me after these years of progress? i'm going to try and get to my first coda meeting tomorrow... but i have to take my dog to the vet. that doesn't sound like a good reason, it IS though, but i'm not making excuses... i can't make any commitments or promises even to myself that i will fall short on. so making a meeting is my goal... giving up this renewed contact... right now i don't know if i can manage... i am very very lonely.

please, this site helped me before. i need to talk out some stuff even if it takes just as long this time around to "stick."

what's wrong with me? why does everyone else seem to either be able to deal with being alone or have someone else? what makes them so much better than me? if one more person says i'm not trying to meet people i will scream. or if they tell me i'm pretty but i need to "dress sluttier" again i'll scream. people in my (real, offline) life say the dumbest things. maybe they are trying to be nice, this is why i try not to belittle the advice i'm given... sometimes i just need a compassionate listener...

it's not like my ex is gonna be that person though. somehow, i'm thinking the exposure will be enough to get me turned off of him. he's embarrassing, and desperate, and untrustworthy, because he's STILL HIGH (duh ella) ALL THE TIME. Apparently, when we started talking he was clean and then had a relapse. What else is new? Just proves a point. This is someone I won't even let inside my apartment. This is good because for some reason, I don't seem to apply the same sense of sanctity to my body or I might have slept with him by now.

Why am I breaking down? It's a slippery slope and I'm scaring myelf.

-ella

April 20, 2009
12:52 am
Avatar
Anonymous
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

It Can be scary indeed! I'd been through it several times before, with the ex! And...it didn't take a whole lot for me to go back to him either! So...I can understand your vulnerability where he's concerned!

You're obviously feeling very vulnerable right now, and that's why you're so susceptible to being drawn to him! But...try not to allow him to catch you up into that web of his again okay?

April 20, 2009
1:14 am
Avatar
_anonymous
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 8
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

mzrella- My X was addicted to perscription narcotics, smoking the weed, and getting drunk every damn day that I knew him. This place was a sanctuary to me. The fact I could post and put it out there and the advice I got was phenomenal. Today I found myself re-reading my old threads from I think 2 years back. I cant believe how far I have come.

When I am away from my X and everyone and everything that reminds me of him I am A OK. But when I am around him in person it does trigger certain feelings.

You are breaking down because you know that this whole thing about getting involved with a man who is clean and sober one minute then using the next is breaking you down. It is not the type of thing that is building you up or improving your life.

Use your fear as a warning. A warning that if you keep this man in your life you will have nothing good coming your way.

I know it can be terrible to feel alone. But, you are not alone here! We are here. We do care. You can talk about whatever you little heart desires and get support.

April 20, 2009
1:10 pm
Avatar
soofoo
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

(((((ella)))))

No one is better than you. Almost all people have known loneliness at one time or another. Not everyone talks about it, some people can't even find the words. You are expressive of your feelings.

April 20, 2009
4:09 pm
Avatar
copingslowly
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

destinystar is right...pay attention to all the red flags your mind and body are throwing your way...they are there for a very good reason.

and as for people saying you need to dress slutty...i would reply that i would dress slutty if i wanted to attract a slut. i'm hoping that's not the case with you. find better friends somewhere!

hope this is not too pointed or pushy but i'm dealing with a man that i've been married to for ten years that i did think i could trust and have awakened to the fact that i can't. if you have this figured out ahead of time about someone, act on what you know and detach, detach, detach!!!

April 20, 2009
7:14 pm
Avatar
chelonia mydas
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 7
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

((((Ella))))

You are absolutely right you are on a slippery slope with this guy.

From reading your last few threads it seems like you know you are headed for an accident but instead of stepping on the breaks, you keep pushing in the clutch and changing gears, but continuing in the same direction. Ella, hit the breaks! If you don't, you know you're gonna wreck.

Although I do understand, sometimes life gets so unbearable that any change is better than continueing in our current misery.

You are the only one who can stop this disaster from returning to your life. Only you know if you need to crash and burn in order to get this out of your system, or if you can hit the breaks and avoid the accident before its too late. The choices you make effect your experience of your life. I support you in making whatever decision you feel will provide you with the experience you are looking for at this moment.

I'm here for you irregardless of what happens. You are a great person whose existance I support unconditionally.

April 21, 2009
12:52 am
Avatar
Guest
Guests

sky- I'm trying... it just got harder. everytime I lose support from other people in my life, talking to him seems more appealing... even though he's not supportive either.... doesn't make sense right?

-e

April 21, 2009
12:54 am
Avatar
Guest
Guests

Destiny-

It is different for me. I never got him out of my mind, although my life is much less drama filled (except for my family which is another thread... my sister went psycho bitch on me tonight).

Actually I meant "why am I breaking down" and letting myself see him in the first place... not the other way around. I had three years of solid no contact and blew it.

I want to go to CODA next weekend. Maybe sooner.

April 21, 2009
1:18 am
Avatar
Guest
Guests

soofoo-

thanks for the hugs (((soofoo))).

Sometimes it does feel like EVERYONE IS better than me though. I don't know why.

April 21, 2009
1:20 am
Avatar
Guest
Guests

copingslowly-

As of right now, I need to reassemble the tools that help me to detach, because mine are not working. Off to meetings I go- CODA and NA. I'll keep talking about it, but I WILL let you all know when I finally do it. HOld me to that plan.

April 21, 2009
1:23 am
Avatar
Guest
Guests

(((chelonia)))

i just want to stop

but more than that

i want the feelings to go away

they never did.

in three years.

what did i do wrong?

April 21, 2009
7:32 am
Avatar
MsGuided
Golden Horseshoe.ca
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 104
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

(((Mzrella)))

Loneliness can do that to you. So WHAT if you take a small chunk, of company, from someone not worthy. You're not going all the way with him. You already know in your head and heart what is wrong, so keep reminding yourself and take it for what it is.

A temporary fix.

I have a couple of friends like this. One has been in and out of rehab for over a year. Haven't seen him, but he called about 2 weeks ago on his way to another facility. I don't cut off communication completely becasue just a phone call can help him a bit. He knows not to come around me because he isn't recovered yet, and he's surrounded by crack heads who just won't let him go!They hunt him down cause he has money. (part of the reason he went away to a facility out of town) Now it's worse because he took a settlement with his job, and isn't working now. People just need other people. Being alone isn't the answer. It's not a romantic connection so it isn't as hard.

All you can do is keep striving for better, all the while keeping your guard up with "emotionally dangerous half friends".

I hope CODA works for you, but I always think joining a Hobby based club brings some normalcy and joy back. What do you like to do? Think about it. A craft or activity to take up? Get you around people doing things instead of talking about problems.

April 21, 2009
1:07 pm
Avatar
Fruitloop
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

mzrella..I havent gone back to my ex but I was put smack dab in contact with him recently. A mutual good friend of both of us recently had a very serious accident and almost died. So hence, here we are visiting her in the hospital. As a matter of fact, I was the first to know and his was the only number I had for a whole group of her friends. So needless to say, I've spoken with him 3 times regarding her condition (at her request) and spent 5 hours with him visiting her.
Anyway, I found myself longing for what could have been and really enjoyed the time I spent with him (others were there of course). Not that I want to call him up and say 'lets get back together, I miss you' but the reminising on my end has gone on and on. I'm getting past it slowly. UGH...and not to mention we broke up a year ago and I havent dated anyone since. I wanted to get thru the healing process with therapy and making better choices first.

Anyway, I'm just commisserating with you. In the past, I would have went running back to him arms wide open and heart too. I guess I can rejoice that I have at least not done that.

April 21, 2009
1:12 pm
Avatar
Fruitloop
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 29, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

mzrella..and also I've had the same problem from 'some' people surrounding me too with the stupid comments. 'You're not trying to meet anyone, you need to quit hanging out with all those girls, you are hiding'. Not only that but I got wind that at work a few people think I have never had a boyfriend except the last one. It blew my mind, I mean really, I've dated and slept with more men than I can count and cant even remember all their names.(I am not proud of that by the way). It totally cracks me up! Here I am trying to legitimally change my ways and become a better person making better choices and people are just complete idiots!!! They really are!!!

Again, I am just commisserating with you!

April 22, 2009
6:22 pm
Avatar
chelonia mydas
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 7
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

(((Ella)))

You didn't do anything wrong... you just have feelings for him.

Its good that you recognize that he is bad news. Just keep living and let time go on. No one can say when these feelings will change, if they ever will. But keep remembering the drama and heartache he brings to your life. You have come so far and are on a journey to a better life.

There are some people in our life that we will always remember and will always have a place in our hearts. We don't pick who they are, they just are.

I still think of my ex... and even think about traveling with him or worse yet, inviting him to move to Mexico with me (if I get the promotion). But then I talk to him and realize that the man I love is not the man on the phone. As much as my heart says otherwise, my brain knows the difference.

I'm headed into a remote location for the next week and won't be able to get online for a bit. I'll keep you in my thoughts. I know you'll do what is best for YOU.

April 23, 2009
7:11 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests

(((MsGuided)))

Thanks for the hugs and thoughts...

actually, it's a big deal I guess because I'm feeling so fragile and self destructive anyway... although now I have so much more to lose if I end up being with my ex... including my sobriety, and consequently, my job and all else...

But also, it just doesn't FEEL RIGHT afterwards, you know? Kind of like a coda hangover, you know? Except the liquor is cheap, and the high isn't even that good.

-ella

April 23, 2009
7:17 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests

Frootloop-

Yeah, seeing your ex under those dire circumstances must have either made it hurt even more... or put things in radical perspective. How precious life is...

oh yeah, if you also only knew the clueless things people thought and said to me, and about me... people can be idiots. But people can be incredibly understanding and kind too, like some of my coworkers, and the people on this board :).

-ella

April 23, 2009
7:23 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests

(((chelonia mydas)))-

Usually I want to write you these really long posts. Today my attention span is shot, because I'm doing a prep for a colonoscopy... and well, if you don't know what that entails, suffice it to say I will interrupt myself a lot.

Yes, I still have feelings for the monster :P, but shouldn't I be at the point where I can resist temptation? I don't know. If I cut myself too much slack, you are right, I will end up where I was with all that heartache... it's already been a taste of it...

You said "There are some people in our life that we will always remember and will always have a place in our hearts. We don't pick who they are, they just are." That is so true and it hurts so much. I just want to be over him so bad. He's not good to be around, he's not who he even once was, why is it so hard to let go?

-ella

PS my tummy hurts, this stuff sucks, anyone ever had to prep for one of these exams?

April 23, 2009
7:24 pm
Avatar
Guest
Guests

the stuff they make you drink is worse than the charcoal I had when I overdosed. It is NASTY. I feel like puking.

April 29, 2009
9:12 am
Avatar
chelonia mydas
Member
Members
Forum Posts: 7
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Hi Ella,

How are you doing?

Sorry to hear you having to drink that nasty stuff. I haven't had a colonoscopy, but have been with folks who have and have listened to their stories. It sounds like such an uncomfortable proceure... but it would be worse to die of colon cancer- but you'ld think they would find some new technology that would make it better for everyone.

I hope it all went well for you.

I thought of you while I was in the solitude of the forest... Have you ever considered taking a vacation by yourself? Just to have some time away from the normal daily routine. Not talk to anyone, but be alone with your thoughts and feelings, where you can just accept that you are who you are and that is a wonderful thing.

While I was with this small team of biologists, I had many hours of just sitting under trees and watching ants, beetles, birds etc. I found my mind just thinking random thoughts and after a few hours of waiting and just thinking I had amazing realizations that everything works out even if nothing seems to work at any given time- but my thoughts were so much more than what I can describe. Reading it here it seems silly.

It was just a great experience and I have returned not only with information for my report for work, but with a renewed feeling of optimism and acceptance for the shortcommings of the universe and my life.

I wish I could get what is in my head onto paper... but maybe you get the idea?

Forum Timezone: UTC -8
Most Users Ever Online: 349
Currently Online:
32
Guest(s)
Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)
Top Posters:
onedaythiswillpass: 1134
zarathustra: 562
StronginHim77: 453
free: 433
2013ways: 431
curious64: 408
Member Stats:
Guest Posters: 49
Members: 111020
Moderators: 5
Admins: 3
Forum Stats:
Groups: 8
Forums: 74
Topics: 38570
Posts: 714311
Newest Members:
cosmo789, bravelassie, Chloe12, future life, austinjacob, Hadity1
Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0
Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2020 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved.
Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer | Do Not Sell My Personal Information