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My boyfriend has become abusive......
May 23, 2005
5:42 pm
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lollipop3
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I feel a bit foolish writing this as I spent much of my time defending him on this site last week. Of course what I was defending doesn't have much to do with this.

He is a recovering alcoholic/addict that has been sober for the past 9 months. But since he's gotten sober, he's gotten mentally and verbally abusive. Not all the time but often enough. He will be great for a few weeks....funny, charming, attentive, generous, affectionate, loving etc. and then all of a sudden he attacks for what seems like no reason. When he does get abusive he says the most hurtful and accusatory things, most of which are absoultely not true.

We have made it through so much over the past year and I know that recovery is not easy but I didn't sign up for this.

I love him very much and I believe he loves me. I also believe he is sick and needs help but he REFUSES to do so. In his Dr. Jekkyl mode he says he will get help but as soon as Mr. Hyde comes out he refuses.

I haven't spoken to him since Saturday because he crossed a line and I don't want to think that it is ok. It's not okay. He was so disrepectful!

I feel what I need to do at this point is to not have any contact with him unless and until he is getting professional help but I've said this before and I've always given in. I don't want to give in anymore.

I know that I'm rambling here but I just need to vent and perhaps get some positive feedback from the people here.

I am also in recovery and this abusive behavior is beginning to hinder my progress.
I worked so hard to help myself and I don't want to allow this to happen anymore.

At this point, I know that this is what I need to do if there is any hope for our relationship but my co-dependent side is afraid that if I don't give in...I'll loose him. Pathetic huh?

I'm trying to remember that no contact is a win/win for myself. If he gets help and our relationship can be healthy then win for me. If he doesn't get help than I've cut my losses...win for me. Right?

Please help...any words of wisdom would be appreciated.

May 23, 2005
5:45 pm
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exoticflower
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Good for you! Not a lot of woman immediately draw that line, it takes years sometimes. It is hard, no contact, but living a life outside of the one you are living now has to be better. Abuse is not ok, period, though clearly you know that.

You are in recovery? Great! There is a lot to be learned about this sort of thing and about yourself when you interact with it...good luck!

May 23, 2005
5:53 pm
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glittered when he walked
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dear lolli,

well congrats to you for recognizing all that.

simply put, your recovery is first and foremost right now. granted, your addiction is your addiction and no one makes you use, but if he isn't helping and is making you want to use because he is abusive then what do you think you should do? Have you spoken to him about his behavior? If you start using again it won't help anyone right? If he's bad for your recovery you'd be wise to put him on stop/pause indefinitely.

good job in recognizing that. well begun is half done.

May 23, 2005
5:53 pm
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lollipop3
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thank you exotic,

As far as drawing that line immediately...yes and no. When he is disrespectful and abusive...I do tell him that I will not defend myself, suggest he gets help and then I leave. Perhaps we don't talk for a day or two but I ALWAYS give in.

Right now, at this moment, I feel very confident that I will not call him. As far as I'm concerned there is no reason to. I did NOTHING wrong and I have nothing to apologize for. What I am most concerned about is his ability to manipulate me and my willingness to let it happen.

I need the strength to so NO. Enough is enough. This cycle stops here and now. I will not tolerate abuse from you. Do not contact me again unless and until you are in therapy. If you don't want to get help then LEAVE ME ALONE!

Sounds good right.....please give me the strength.

May 23, 2005
5:54 pm
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angel4U
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RE: "I feel what I need to do at this point is to not have any contact with him unless and until he is getting professional help "

lollipop - This was the advise I was going to give you until I saw you wrote it yourself.

The term they use for where your bf is at right now is "dry drunk". He may have stopped the drinking (his mask for taking away the pain), but he is not working through ways to deal with the pain of why he drank in the first place, and therefore is letting it out in other ways (his verbally abusive behavior). If he doesn't work through this, my guess is he will either continue to be abusive, or start drinking again.

Therefore, I very strongly support your stance to not tolerate his behavior anymore, and that he either get help or you can't see him.

Quick question - Did you ever notice this (what they call) Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde behaviors when he was drinking? These same behaviors (the switch from good guy to bad guy for no reason) are very common while they are drinking too, especially if they have been drinking for a long time.

May 23, 2005
5:57 pm
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angel4U
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This is perfect!!! ... "I need the strength to so NO. Enough is enough. This cycle stops here and now. I will not tolerate abuse from you. Do not contact me again unless and until you are in therapy. If you don't want to get help then LEAVE ME ALONE!"

Now keep the thought, an d hang onto it with all your might, and you will do just fine. It's called respecting yourself!!!!!! I am sending LOTS of strength your way, lollipop3!!!

angel4U

May 23, 2005
5:59 pm
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lollipop3
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Thanks for your responses...

Angel....I truely believe he is a dry drunk. I have tried to talk to him about it and depending on the day he sometimes agrees, sometimes disagrees.

As far as when he was drinking, He was not abusive. That is one of the reasons why I'm having such a hard time with this. He was a binge drinker and an irresponsible pain in the ass but not abusive. As a matter of fact, he would do just about anything to avoid an arguement. This new guy is one that I do not know nor did I ever expect.

May 23, 2005
6:00 pm
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lollipop3
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thank you so much angel, you are always so supportive...to me and to everyone else here

May 23, 2005
6:14 pm
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angel4U
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I know what you mean when you say "this new guy" is one I do not know nor did I expect. I sent a letter to my ex about a month ago basically sharing something similar to what you are saying ... there is so much I adore about you, but there is this other side of you that came/comes out of nowhere that I do not know and that makes no sense to me. And that person has been hurtful to me and has caused me not to be able to trust you.

I have distanced myself, and do not call because his behaviors were bringing me down (even trying to talk to him about it became draining) ... and were certainly not how I feel I deserved to be treated by him or anyone! I knew in my heart if I stayed, I would only hurt me more, and would be telling him that that's all I did deserve.

It was hard to walk away, but is well worth the alternative option.

He is still drinking, even though he says he knows he needs help. And when I see him out, he still goes from being nice one day, to nasty the next. But because I have stepped out of the situation and gave myself time to heal and comfort myself for awhile rather than worry about him and what he'd do next, I can now look at the situation from a whole other angle and see it for what it is - a serious problem of his. And one that only he can make the decision to stop if and when he chooses.

In the meantime, I'm going after what makes me happy ... and being abused and treated like dirt certainly isn't on my agenda ... =)

May 23, 2005
6:18 pm
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lollipop3
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One more thing I'd like to throw in here....Did I mention that he lives on the first floor of my apartment bldg? I can't come or go without walking by his door.

WHY ON EARTH DID I EVER AGREE TO THAT???

Congrats to you Angel....keep it up and I hope to follow in your footsteps.

May 23, 2005
6:31 pm
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angel4U
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Thanks, lollipop!

You do have a tough situation on your hands with the living quarters being so close. I find having the physical distance is important to achieving the emotional strength and sanity you are needing.

You can still get there, but your going to have to be stronger (it is so easy to give in to the good side of them, and forget the bad that we needed to walk away from, when we see them face to face in the early stages!)

Just keep trying to remind yourself of the end result you are trying to achieve - happiness and respect for yourself! If you do this, it will eventually sink in with him, and he'll either do something to change and treat you better, or he'll find someone else that tolerates his abuse. Both options are really a WIN for you in the end .. while the alternative (of continueing to allow him to treat you bad) is an absolute LOSS.

Good luck to you, kiddo!

angel4U

May 23, 2005
8:09 pm
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Deena
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Lolli....just letting you know I was thinking of you. We talked last week on the other thread and as you know Im not familiar with living with an addict. I offer tons of support and prayers to you.

Deena

May 23, 2005
8:11 pm
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lollipop3
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Thank you so much Deena.....I need all the support I can get right now.

lolli

May 23, 2005
8:47 pm
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brownie
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Hello lollipop3.Wooooooooooo this is the first time ever that i ran across a person that has a bf that is sober and is still acting abusive.I have never ran into anyone that had a spouse that was sober and abusive.

My husband has been sober for 14 years and he is mean as ever.I am in recovery too.I am codependent and what my husband does is manipulates me,is very controlling.Blames things on me which i think he already did that from the start.He plays mind games with me and does spiteful things to me.He is easily jealous of things i do.I feel like he is a demon.He is not the same person i once knew when we first met.He was very nice and thoughtful.Always had respect for me.Oh i left something out,he is also very abusive mentally.Always criticizing me.

Now i am gonna get a divorce.We as codependents need to keep the focus on us and not them.We have to take care of ourselves and our needs.Please lolli in anyway don't please or even try to because he will backfire on you.I caretake families especially my husband and now he has no respect for me and is so bitterly angry with me about something i did not even do.If anything he is angry about what his parents did to him but takes it out on me.

Look out for you.If it is meant for you and him to be together then it will happen but if its not then let it go.I know you love him but you need to get into a positive healthy relationship.My husband already caused me to be sick now.I suffers hypertension,stomach disorder and anxiety disorder because of dealing with him all these years.He has caused me more harm than good.Just looking out for you.I don't want to see anybody go through what i had to go through.It is total HELL!!!!!You don't know what to expect from them.They are very unpredictable.

That is a disease too.Just because they are sober does not mean that they are out the woods.They are like that for life.Its in their brain now the drugs and stuff they took and made it a disease.So they will never be the same again.Good luck and god bless.Also keep us posted.

May 23, 2005
8:49 pm
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brownie
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Oh i just ran across about the living situation.That is tough.My prayers and strength are with you.Is there some way possible you could move away from there?

May 23, 2005
8:57 pm
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lollipop3
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Brownie,

What a thing to have in common with someone huh? I'm so sorry that you've had to deal with this.

You said your husband is sober but is he involved in any program? My boyfriend is not and is definately a "dry drunk".

I appreciate your concern and your support. I'm so grateful for people like you on this site that help me get through the hard times.

Good luck to you and thank you again.

May 24, 2005
12:30 am
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brownie
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Hi again lollipop3.Hes just starting to go to his programs.But as of last year and the year before that he did not hardly go as much.

We are here for you.Keep posting.

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