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my boyfriend attempted suicide
April 30, 2001
10:42 pm
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SomeWoman
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A couple of days ago my boyfriend of five years tried to jump off of a bridge. It was only by luck that I ran into him before he did it, but now I don't know what to do.

He is in the army and cannot receive therapy except for marital counseling, because people who have received counseling or taken drugs such as antidepressants will not pass the security clearance.

He has no friends, except for myself, and is lonely to the point that hearing people talk drives him crazy. The idea that other people can have fun greatly distresses him; we can no longer go to restaurants or parks/lakes when it is nice out.

He has stopped going to classes (he is in his second year of college) and doing homework. He won't look for a job for the summer because he can't talk to people long enough to ask for an application. He used to go running almost every day, but now he never leaves his room. He doesn't eat, because that would involve being near people. He hates himself because he is becoming a misanthrope (his word).

His entire life he has not ad a single friend and now he believes that he has missed the boat- that he will always be a pathetic hermit.

He has always been depressed, apparently he spoke of suicide when he was younger, and more recently he spoke of hanging himself with army-issued rope. What scares me the most is that he always has a plan that he is capable of carrying out.

I myself have very few friends who I see very rarely. We are basically dependent on each other

I don't know what I can do to.

May 1, 2001
12:26 pm
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Molly
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This is more than one person should carry. I understand the need to keep this on the hush hush, and as only a girlfriend, I don't know what power you have legally. Does he have family that you can contact, I would also check with the local suicide hot line.

May 1, 2001
2:20 pm
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bouq
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Know that even for counselors that suicide is NOT HUSH-HUSH!
Get help! Call any counselor at the college, they will direct you. You do not have to ask his "permission" to do this. Do not trust that "he's ok now." You would never forgive yourself...

May 1, 2001
11:55 pm
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SomeWoman
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Thank you for responding- I really appreciate it.

I already contacted a counselor at my college, but we haven't met yet because there is a waiting list.

His family is already very concerned about him- to the point that it is driving him crazy. They call him so much that he doesn't return their calls anymore.

I know he's not okay; he knows he's not okay. I'm worried that he won't be able to wait long enough to be helped I'm working as quickly as I can to find help, but I'm afraid that even wnother day is too long.

May 2, 2001
4:37 pm
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malaikau
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Dear SomeWoman,

Would he be willing to come in here and post a thread? He might find enough help and support here to build up enough strength to go out and get the help he needs. Please watch him for signs that he is feeling better. Often times a person who is severely depressed will suicide when they feel better because that's when they have the energy to carry out their plan. I get the feeling that your boyfriend is desperate for help, but doesn't know where to turn. It seems like he might be pretty insecure and afraid to trust. That's why this might be a good place for him. He can speak his mind, no one has to know who he is, and he doesn't have to make face-to-face contact or leave the house to find a little support. I hope everything turns out alright for both of you.

Sincerely,

Mal

May 2, 2001
5:59 pm
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Ladeska
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SomeWoman - Please give this to him.....

I know how you feel.....not exactly in that - I haven't lived in our skin, lived your life....but I know those voices that go off in our head and that long dark tunnel that sucks you in ever closer and surrounds you, squeezing you tighter every second...reducing you to nothingness...the voices telling you all the time that you've always been worthless and no one really cares in this world, so why bother with any of it anymore.....yes, I do know this place.... and after awhile - it almost hurts for someone to be nice to you, even if it's only a smile or a simple gesture that comes from the heart...it's so startling to you that you don't know what to do or how to act because you're soo wounded inside - accepting it - actually hurts like a burn or scalding water would. Deep down inside - you don't even feel worthy that someone would be nice and if they were - what do they want from you?

You have memories that haunt you, dreams that won't leave you alone and all that you can feel anymore is to just withdraw more because for the life of you - you can't figure any of it out and if you could - you couldn't find a way out of it because you've tried..... and who would want to really listen and understand anyways and what if I wanted to talk about embarrassing things - the last thing I need is to see condemnation from another human being and hear more guilt coming from my own head....

sound familiar?

Yes, I do understand.....and I understand that you are sinking and that you need a life line and you need it now.... talk to me... just bang something out here on the keys... I don't care if it doesn't make sense, if it look garbled to you - you'd be surprised how I will make sense of it and read between the lines. I've been where you are...a few times.... it's a place I call "nevermore".... sort of that shadow between light and dark..day and night...that ether place where nothing makes sense and nothing seems real..

You're not crazy - in fact - the problem is probably more like - you can't handle what your mind "has put together"....you can't handle that people have hurt you the way they have and been okay with it....or acted like it - or made you think - it was your fault or something you deserved..... Sometimes, we are "so smart" that we become dangerous to other people because they don't like looking into our eyes and knowing that we see them for exactly - what they are and for what they have done to us....an innocent victim, sometimes an innocent child....so please....talk to me...start your own thread....say - Hey Ladeska - I want to talk to you....(smiles and hugs) Believe me....I know that dark place just at the edge of the cliff and I know why you are there....there is deep pain and sadness that you think no one can figure out or accept or help you with.... I beg to differ...try me..."please". The ones who throw themselves away in this life are usually - our most precious treasures...they are our sensitive people that can't stand the ugliness that we do to each other....but, we "need" you desperately to stay here....to become healed and whole because you are a priceless treasure and tool to a world that needs your sensitivities and your eyes and ears and beautiful soul that I know you have. Otherwise....you wouldn't be so wounded, would you? You'd be calloused and wouldn't care and just shrug it off and go on and become hard and bitter.... So, stay here, come sit under a pair of wings and heal....okay? We'll pick our noses and fling them at passerbys and talk trash about the world and examine our navels and set fires, put them out and say cuss words outloud, get angry, tell everybody off and then sit in our silence and just "be with it"....so start off by just saying about ten words to me....I know you can do that....and yes, I do know all about not being able to talk...I was actually trapped in my body for about 48 hours one time. Couldn't talk if I had of wanted to and I tried. Was completely paralyzed and it was an emotional thing...so yes, I do understand your fears.... I'm listening...

May 4, 2001
1:21 pm
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SomeWoman
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Ladeska-
thanks. I really think that sounds like what he's going through. I'll give it to him, and maybe he'll want to talk.

~Kristin

May 4, 2001
2:37 pm
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Molly
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Ladeska,
That was really beautifully written, you must have taken some journey! Glad your here.

May 4, 2001
5:57 pm
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Ladeska
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Kristin...well, I hope it helps...I wrote it from the heart.

Hey Molly!! Just love you to pieces, btw! Just had to tell you that. And yes, I guess you could say that...indeed, it was a journey... I almost wasn't "here" at all. But, I'm too damned mean and stubborn not to be I guess! LOL! I look back at what I survived and to be quite honest - it is amazing that I'm sane and alive.

I can remember all those times of darkness and walking around not able to form words to anyone, flinching at everything and soo very inside myself and wounded. Just one big walking bleeding bruised lump. It's amazing how people can actually function at all in everyday life with the horrible crippling and maiming they have suffered - that no one sees or understands and on top of that - WE feel we are guilty and shameful and need to hide it all - or we'll be considered worse than we already are.

It's such a prison and there appears to be no doors or windows. But....somethings in life are full of illusion....and represent what we believe is true - but may indeed be - a big fat lie that we have believed to be true about ourselves.

Kristin....please encourage him to come here and talk to me. I very much understand where he is....

And I have tettered on the edge of that cliff, too. I know all the voices intimately well. One thing I've learned though and that is - darkness cannot exist in the presence of light and truth. He needs some of that in his life and he needs to be ready to see things as they are - which may not be - as he has believed them to be. He has to be willing to see the truth. I'm very sure that he has a most sensitive heart and spirit and is bearing a load of guilt and shame that is not his to bear... Some of the most beautiful people in this world are the most wounded.. However, some of us do get strong and when we do....we make it our business to come back in and rescue the prisoners of war. So tell him...that I'm here - but he has to lift his head up and want to be free... I'll try my best to lead him out of the jungle - but he has to want to go...

It's time for the brainwashing to be over....and the time for that first step - is now.

May 6, 2001
3:33 pm
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Ladeska
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How are you guys????

May 10, 2001
11:56 am
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SomeWoman
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I went to see a counselor at my college about this. We've met a few times, and it's helpiong me, but I don't know that m boyfriend is ready to talk to anybody yet. He desparately wants help, but I don't think that I can do anything to help him until he is able to discuss this with somebody.

May 10, 2001
3:28 pm
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Ladeska
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Did he read what I wrote him? And good for you that you are getting counseling!!!! He's obviously blaming himself for something pretty tragic that has happened to him...and then other things have entered into that as a result of it, actions of his own, reactions to other people and just alot of confusion...things have just probably compounded in on his head and he doesn't understand what's going on anymore. I'd love to talk to him....just tell him that and that I deeply understand the jungle he's in - in his own head and feelings.

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