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My bf is coming home tomorrow and I don't want him to see me. I meen look at me.
May 24, 2004
2:23 am
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I can't sleep. My bf is going to be in the city in the morning (he's in rehab, but has to come in for some appointments or something). I'm having a lot of issues regarding our relationship, but that's not the problem. This sounds really stupid, but he wants to stop by and fool around and maybe have sex before I go to work, and I just feel too fat and ugly. I've been in school and stressed out and I haven't been able to take care of myself the way I want to and I gained weight from my new meds. Sounds really shallow, right? I mean, my boyfriend is a sweetheart and not at all a pig or shallow- it's all me- I just don't want him to see me naked like this and then go away for another month with that as a memory. I'm so uncomfortable in my own skin, I can't imagine having sex. I mean it's only been three weeks, but I just feel so awful, my self esteem is zilch.

I don't need to hear how to lose weight. I know how. It's not 100 pounds or anything, but I used to work out a lot and I know what it takes to get in shape. My schedule makes it impossible right now, so I have to wait until school's out.

Anyway, I'm not sure we're even gonna get to talk to one another, much less have time for all that. Maybe deep down that's what I'm worried about. I miss him so much, I just don't want to upset my little world of denial I have going here. It's all good in it's way- we're both working on our lives and getting some unpleasant, but necessary stuff accomplished. We're doing it on our own with the understanding we'll be together again, but it gets hard if I think about it too much so I try not to. I have to say, I feel closer to my bf when he's away at rehab then when he is home and he's using.

Anyway, I'm babbling as usual. I just feel crappy about myself. It didn't help that I had a birthday this month I guess.

May 24, 2004
2:42 am
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lovesickpuppie
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well how old are you? you said about school, student or teacher?

also it sounds like you want to change for HIM not yourself, you dont need to change, if he really loves you he`ll accept who you are, theres no point in changing for somebody else, change for you, why do you feel unhappy? tell us everything ! whats your homelife like?

May 24, 2004
3:06 am
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Worried_Dad
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Problem: Insomnia
Possible cause: Anxiety regarding potential emergent nudity situation.

Problem: Fear of being seen naked
Possible causes: Fear of rejection

Question: Do you have an ounce of desire for this guy? I mean, he apparently wants to have sex with you at least. Is the desire mutual, iow?

May 24, 2004
9:22 am
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CAMER
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he wants to have sex with you, and I am sure he doesn't care of any of
the flaws you may think you have.
Try to build your self esteem up and
know you are a good person. No body out there has a "great" body, sometimes "worrying" can get the best of our minds. If you want to be with
him sexually, stop worrying about your
body and just enjoy the moment.

May 24, 2004
3:32 pm
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Thank you all for the replies.

I am in school as a grad student, but I'm in my mid-thirties (same as boyfriend).

It's not just that I want to change for him- I want it for me- and it's not just change... this is not normal for me. I mean, I guess I'm still attractive to him so that's not the issue- it's me. And yes, it's mutual. In fact, this relationship has more passion in it than any other in my past. It's just that depression and exhaustion can kill a libido, as well as the damage done to self esteem by weight gain. Camer is right, I've just got to get over this for now. I do view it as a temporary thing, but the damage that can be done to my relationship if I run and hide might not be temporary. Especially since right now my bf is so super sensitive about being rejected himself. I kind of knew today would go the way it did at first- he took my shyness personally. It worked out after we talked, but it kind of sucked not to be the good time girl (for me as well- I just wasn't feelin' it). I think if the love is there people should be able to work through times like these don't you?

May 24, 2004
5:01 pm
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why me 32
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I was listening to the radio the other day, and apparently there is a much higher rate of husbands cheating on wives when the wives are thin. Apparently, they get married based on looks, and as soon as the man sees another pretty, thin girl, he's off to the races. So, weight is not the issue you think it is. I myself was over 200 pounds just a few months ago, but I was 105-110 when I met my husband. So, he's had several affairs, and now we are divorced. I have been working my butt off, literally, to lose this weight, and now that I'm down to a size 9-10, I find out the cheating rate is higher for thin women. Ugh. Time to eat some Taco Bell, find a man, and be happy.

If he wants you, and you want him, hook it up girl.

May 24, 2004
10:11 pm
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Well, we had our time together and unfortunately, it was not exactly what my bf had in mind. It's wonderful to feel loved and wanted, but at the same time I don't want to feel so pressured about all of this. I mean, we've been together for almost three years without getting sick of each other (sexually) so I just wish that my bf would realize that one day with out sex does not mean I don't want him. Nothing could be further from the truth. Ugh. I guess he doesn't realize what these "girl things" are like and that they are temporary. I'm pms-ing so that's a big part of it too. But more than that, if you only have one day a month with someone I guess it seems devastating if it doesn't go as planned.

That's interesting why me. I never heard of that phenomenon, but it makes sense. Even though we've been through rocky times in our brief time together, my boyfriend is not the cheating type. He hates porn too. He empathizes with women to a certain degree, but I don't think he'd ever understand a woman with a weight complex. I'm not what he considers fat- just what I consider fat for me- (and he likes me this way because of the boob thing) -so what that has to do with what should have been a morning of passion for us- that would escape him and does. I was tired too, but that's another story.

What Camer says is the way it's gotta be. I can't imagine sex being too good if I were worrying about my body at all. Usually it's just not an issue. Part of what is so amazing about sex is how you kind of lose your self and consciousness of that stuff anyhow. It would kind of suck if I were worried about cellulite the whole time!

The crappy thing is that my bf is still very much in denial and seems to imagine that I have been rejecting him more often than just this once which is not true. He doesn't want to face the fact that he is less then virile when he is shooting speedballs. How he is today (healthy and horny) is NOT how he was a few weeks ago. Believe me, I rarely turn this guy down. Today was unusual.

Anyway, sorry if this is more information than anyone cared to hear. But thanks for "listening."

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