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My BF deliberately created a rage situation for me--I can't tell anymore who's the insane one. Moved his father in w-out asking me too.
May 2, 2005
10:43 am
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exoticflower
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So. It was spring break and my daughter was in bed, and we decided to have a couple of cocktails. He was hitting them pretty hard, and I was, while not drunk like he was, a little tippsy. I dumped the rest of my drink out, and he chugged hisw to make sure I couldn't.

As the night wore on, I found myself being very hostle with him, so said I was going to go call my friend. As we where talking about what was going on, why I was so angry at him and what I can do to correct my end of it without being unfair to myself, he comes storming in saying to give me his f****ing phone, and not to bad mouth him on his phone (we have only the cellular phone he got before I moved here). I immediately started having a panic attack, a terrible one that felt like a heart attack. I told him and my friend at the same time, and my friend said 'Go to the bathroom, sweety, and don't come out until you are calm. He can't deal with this and neither can you. He's gonna manipulate the situation, and you're a sitting duck'. She stayed on the phone with me while he sat outside and screamed. The baby woke up and I didn't go to her, I was just too upset. The reason I moved here is because I need his help witho my daughter during the more severe anxiety.

My friend took me through some breathing exersizes, but he just stood outside of the door screaming 'listen to your daughter, you crazy bitch! Get out here and take care of your daughter, she needs you. You can't abandon your child like this. What's wrong with you? This is crazy!". and at that point I just started bawling and screaming for him to go away NOW and leave me the hell alone, and to take the baby with him and be a father for once. I said I hated him and her (Which would be the postpartum depression rearing its ugly head again...I never knew until I got it what a nightmare it is to say something bad about your child.). So, then I'm wracked with guilt and yet more intense aniety, and there was nowhere for me to go and I felt so cornered by him. He started screaming at me to get my daughter or he was going to smoke a ciggerette with her, that he just couldn't take it. I heard him hit the bottle that the vodka was in a couple of times, and at this point couldn't stop shaking. My ears where ringing, I couldn't cry, I was a mess. And with me like that, too upset to hold my daughter, he placed her in the bathroom with me and walked off. The poor little baby just sat there in the dark screaming at me and didn't know why I wouldn't pick her up, and he smoked a ciggarette. He came back and started to yell at me for not taking care of my daughter and how I can't do this and I have to be a mother and that I'm fucking nuts, and I freaked out. I just hit the roof. I reached out to slap him screaming for him to shut up, and he grabbed my arm and I bit him. He screamed some more and left the room, my friend calmed me down, and when I came out there where 8 of New Yorks Finest standing there. I explained quietly that I had a lot of pressure, that I suffer from postpartum depression and anxiety and my partner has not done anything to me, that if anything I was mean to him. The baby was not neglected or beaten, and that I am in treatment. The cops where so nice to me and said that the neigbors made it out to be that there was furnature and crashing and several people (they have a grudge against us for some noise problems frim my bf before I mived here). They said this sort of thing is perfectly natural and that I should just ask my boyfriend for some space when I start feeling this way--gee, there's a thought. But, I just wanted to get them out of there at this point. I was still shocked with myself that I had been so emotionally taken over, disgusted with him for the way he treated me and his daughter when it would have been best for everyone for him to just take care of her instead of use her upset to punish me.

Later I found him in the bathroom sobbing to his parents on the phone that we where having a fine time and I just snapped, that it didn't make sense and that it so hard for hime and that they better come out here now. Now his father is sleeping on our one room apartments floor, we can't talk, his father is asking completely inapropriate questions about hiw many nutriants she is getting from nursing, and if I'm losing too much weight (I am not losing any weight), how much rent is--then I saw under his duffle bag a sheet with all of the information, even the apointment that he has already set, for our counceling, to get ME on track.ANd my bf told me that he has not told his parents anything except that I went crazy and came at him, ommiting everything else. This whole situation enrages me, makes me want to walk out and leave him with the baby and his cheerleaders and jusmp in front of a trian! I'm so angry, so overwhelmed, so helpless and poweless right now, I feel like a monkey in a cage. I feel like I'm on trial and the other party is lying and sentancing me and I don't even have a lawyer. I don't know who is in the wrong here or how to get any kind of space for myself to take care of myself--this makes it all so much harder, makes me feel like a fool with no privacy or sayso in my own life with my daughter. Please, advice? Observations? Help?

May 2, 2005
12:07 pm
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exoticflower
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I should explain why his father is such a big deal btw. He has always been very rude to me, to the point of not speaking to me, and they are condoning my boyfriends actions by coming here and supporting him, without knowing what they are cononing. He's a busy-body, and I don't want him hanging out durring the day while BF is back at teaching, but he called me from the city today just to see if I needed anything, insulted my mousetraps, suggested we should go to bed earlier and sat in this one little room talking about weather or not I seem normal to his wife while I was laying down to nurse my daughter, having to cover myself like I was on the subway or something. In my own home, though I certainly don't feel like it is. This is all so greuling!

May 2, 2005
1:19 pm
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exoticflower
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Now that I've read over this again as well as some other people with childrens posts, I am bitter and ashamed of myself. I know that I physically could not have cared for her with my anxiety, but I should have just left so that he wouldn't have any drama to create or bounce off of. I don't have a job or money, and cannot stand myself for putting my baby in this situation. I really belived that it was going to get better once I was here, and now I'm stuck. Please, if anyone could offer any words at all?

May 2, 2005
1:38 pm
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shyshy
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Hi Exoticflower:

I don't know what to say really except that I wouldn't want to be with anyone that would call me a crazy b-tch. Besides that, how could he just pick up his daughter and put her in the bathroom with you in the state that you were in? Seems to me like he doesn't care much about her.

Is there anyone that you can help you with your baby for a while? Like maybe your friend that you were on the phone with?

Focus on getting yourself better and being there for your baby and just take one day at a time.

May 2, 2005
1:46 pm
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mamacinnamon
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Oh, honey, I am so sorry for your situation. I feel for ya. Been there.

My ex used to set me off. We'd go to my folks house and be perfectly happy and he'd only have to say a word or give a look and I'd be in tears or he'd say something they didn't hear and I'd snap back. He told my folks that I was emotionally unstable and he thought I might need hospitalization (put me away). He was so full of sh**. But, my folks only know what they saw and what they saw was me goin off.

Please, do not let this happen to you. He is up to something. Do you think he'd try to put you away? Do you think he'd try to take custody of your baby away? I'm not saying he will; I'm asking you to consider what the hell he is up to coz it stinks.

Oh, and do not feel ashamed of yourself. We all have situations that are unbearable at times. You are doin the best you can do. You should be proud. You didn't shove the baby back out the door at him. You didn't hurt your child. You let her sit and you knew she was well. You took care of her the best way you know how. I'm proud of you.

Do be careful; be very careful. There is something brewing w/ him.

May 2, 2005
1:56 pm
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kathygy
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I think its very serious if you are so upset that you cannot take care of your daughter. You are damaging her when you negliect her like that, just letting her cry when she needed comforting. Focus on getting yourself in good shape so you can be a better mother. The arguements with your bf isn't a good invironment for you baby. Give your baby prioity and get away from this man.

May 2, 2005
1:59 pm
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exoticflower
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I don't know if it's that...he has an obsession with people thinking highly of him, and I think that when he goes too far in not acting like the good guy, when he slips up and lets his true colors show, he has to quickly create much more trouble from me to be a victome and have something to deflect from his negative behaviors. That makes me an enabler, of course, but I don't know how not to react. And now my life is a wreck, he says he needs his father here because he needs help--what does it help? Then he said it is tolet him feel safe, then he said he doesn't feel comfortable and doesn't want to fight, that it's not a time for fighting and that he knows I'm going to get better, that he misses me.

May 2, 2005
2:01 pm
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exoticflower
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kathygy, I know this, I just have no family, support, money, nothing.

May 2, 2005
2:04 pm
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exoticflower
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Although you do not damage a child when you let them cry after 6 mo. And postpartum depression as well as anxiety disorders are diseases, not concious actions. Treatment takes time and support, I have only just started to feel the effects of my medication, and my therapy has really started to work for me.

May 2, 2005
2:44 pm
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mamacinnamon
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I am glad you are in therapy. That's great. And, yes, it does take time. As for the baby... Can you have a sitter come in on an "on call" basis. That way when things start getting out of hand for you, you can call and she'll come sit the baby. Possible? Should be if he truly wants to help you.

Also, I know that you know him and we do not, but his behavior is manipulative and brutal. He is working toward some goal. Stop and take a moment to think if he's threatened to take the baby, throw you out, drive you crazy.... See if you can remember him eluding to anything that would explain his behavior because his behavior is totally unacceptible. He's not helping you get better.... He's hurting you emotionally.

May 2, 2005
3:05 pm
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Take Heart
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I am really concerned about your post. I realise that youre suffering from post-partum depression and you really do have my sympathy because I've been in that situation. However, I was wise enough to realise that at the time, I could not attend to the needs of my baby sufficiently and therefore, I asked a family member to take care of him for me, until I could gain some strength and recover.

And sorry to be so blunt, but I am really concerned for the welfare of your baby. Post partum depression can be a very serious illness, but it is not an excuse to neglect your child or place it in potential danger-which you are doing.

I also feel that drinking alcohol is not a responsible thing to do when you have a baby in the house. You cannot control your boyfriends actions, but you can control yours.

The first thing you should do is find someone to take care of your baby and I'm sure you can find someone.

You state that your therapy has really started to work for you? After reading your post, its very clear to me, that it is not working.

Sorry to be so harsh but when young babies and children are caught up in this type thing, it becomes a very serious matter.

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