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My Awakening
October 26, 2007
12:27 pm
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HumblyJoyful
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September 24, 2010
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Hi Folks, I'm a recent visitor to the site and this is my first written contribution. My awakening and subsequent acceptance of my codependent ways of being started six weeks ago with a shot to the heart. My wife of nearly 3 years turned a conversation related to quality time issues in our marriage to a declaration of her desire to separate from me, with intent to start the process of divorce. I was shocked and heart broken in an instant and had no words to refute her intentions. She had reached her own threshold of pain that stemmed from the dead emotional and physical intimacy in our relationship -- she was done done done, and remains done today. I felt kicked in the gut, but knew all to well myself that there was a significant fracture in our intimacy. In the preceding month I was consumed with daily anxiety and fear that our marriage was falling apart on the intimacy front. But I was paralyzed in my fear, and I could not communicate (not a word!) any of the thoughts and feeling that circled constantly in my secret world. I was staking our relationship on my committed devotion to my wife's every need -- kept giving and smiling -- everything but true intimacy and sex. I smothered all my frustrations, dissappointments, and angers with her way of being. I never challenged these issues as I never wanted to hurt her feelings; I hated and did anything to avoid confrontation and the anger/hurt tones that she put out to any level of disagreement or criticism that I directed at her. I rationalized that if I kept giving, and caring, and nuturing the intimacy would ultimately return -- I would feel safe enough to step out of my box. I returned to marriage counseling (by myself) shortly after her divorce declaration -- and was instructed to read "Codenpency No More." I did. And I realized I had read the story of my life. The story of constant failed relationships, giving and not receiving, an unsatisfying life all things considered, low self worth, absolute fear of failure and REJECTION. I hit rock bottem, and in the moment I surrendered it all. It was an enormous revelation -- I could finally grasp me. My way of being had doomed the many relationships and love that I so desperately wanted in my life -- it wasn't completely the other persons fault. My fears of rejection have consistently manifested others in my life becoming rejected or smothered. What Irony. My surrender has lead to six weeks of joy and peace in my life that I've never felt before. I thirst for this joy and peace to grow, to heal and to become the man that I dreamed of becoming in my secret world. I regret that I have found these blessings at the expense of a marriage that is now possibly lost. I hate the word "divorce" and still hold hope, faith, and love for reconcilliation. But as I grow and heal, I find that I have questions about past relationships and my marriage. Was my love genuine, or was it really coercive and self-sacrificing acts to ensure I would not be rejected? In reflection, is my marriage (her 3rd, my first) really a healthy union and worth pursuing, given my new personal insights? How do I assess whether my next steps, actions, and reactions are genuine and loving and not the result of deep rooted codependent thinking that I might still embrace as "normal?" My story is not new, just a little different. I'm in the early days of all that will follow. I'm thankful for this site and those who make it a point to make a positive and loving difference in the lives and struggles of others. Talks to you soon.

October 26, 2007
12:40 pm
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Randomwomen2
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September 29, 2010
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(((HumblyJoyful))) I am so sorry that you are going through a difficult time in your life right now but I am so happy that you have found some peace with in yourself. I am just realising now that I may be codependent. Actually yesterday but I'm still trying to figure it out. It takes a lot of strength to write out your heart here. This site has a lot of wonderful people and it has been a blessing for me. Please continue to write more.

October 26, 2007
1:20 pm
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HumblyJoyful
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Thank you for the kind and encouraging words. It truly is a blessing to have joy and peace at a time of crisis. In the past I'd be stuck deep in my stuff and self-pity. It's also a blessing, albeit sobering, to realize and accept that I had a strong hand in creating the wreckage that litters my past. I just thought I got an extra dose of bad luck when it came to matters of the heart and love. It'll take some new strength and courage to move forward. And it is coming to me as I honestly accept and own my shortfalls -- each new step is an opportunity to grow, or an opportunity to deny that I can do great things. Loving myself is a new and wonderful feeling. And it's also an awkward and unfamiliar feeling, truth be told. Kinda like hitting the lottery -- whatta I do now.

October 26, 2007
1:38 pm
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katzndog
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September 27, 2010
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Dear HumblyJoyful,

Your post made me cry. If my ex-husband had come to me with your words,I think I would still be married now.

I think you are going to be OK. you sound like quite the special man.

katz

October 26, 2007
11:19 pm
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HumblyJoyful
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September 24, 2010
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((KATZNDOG)) In this moment I am doing great. I'm truly sorry that you lost your marriage. I may lose mine, but this crisis was necessary. It may represent the begining of the end of a marriage that was going no where fast, or the begining of something new and wonderful. I've shared my co-dependence revelations, secret fears, and anxieties with my wife on a few occassions over the past few weeks. I've been genuine and have allowed myself to be completely vulnerable in those moments. However, she is emotionally detached from the situation, and I sometimes feel that I'm talking to an uninvolved stranger. She has no trust that I will change -- No trust that I wont reject her again (her words). My challenge is to continue self-healing and to remain genuine.

October 26, 2007
11:46 pm
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HumblyJoyful
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((RANDOMWOMEN2)) You are a special person -- Sharing lots of love on this site. This is another follow-up to your earlier response to me. You mentioned a growing awareness that you may walk and function with co-dependent behaviors. It's different for all of us, but there are certainly some common themes. The book, "Codependence No More" was handed to me by a very loving and caring counselor that I respect and admire greatly. The book describes the lives (actions/reactions/ways of being) of many folks who exhibit characteristics of co-dep. The book includes a very lengthy list of behaviors and self beliefs (symptoms) that fit into the overarching bucket that is co-dep. Most folks (emotionally healthy and otherwise successful) exhibit some of the traits. However, when I read the book, I quickly realized that I fit the mold for many of the traits. The realization helped me get "real honest" about my role in the unsatisfying and painful circumstances and relationships in my life. The knowledge paves the way to real hope and change.

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