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my addiction is back
March 16, 2000
6:55 pm
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Davis71
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i had a messed up childhood. when i was in jr. high school, i was at some party with this "friend" of mine, and he made me try speed. i was addicted for a long, long time. i guess it gave me a break from the reality of life. anyway, i gave it up about when i was 18, three years ago. it was hard but i pulled it off, with the help of a therapist and my friends. well, i was at a club about 2 months ago and i started again. it's doing the exact opposite of what it did when i was younger:it's bringing back these painful memories that i thought i put away. i'm remembering things now, and i lash out all the time uncontrollably at my friends and family. this time i'm not so sure i can quit again. i need some help, anyone who knows anything about this, please write back.

March 16, 2000
8:00 pm
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VRJ
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Get to a counselor or NA and preferably both. Yes, you can do it! Addictions are usually a way to escape facing reality, your insecurities, your fears. Recovery is painful because instead of hiding you must face these things. But it also brings such peace and contentment and acceptance. Life is not easy and it's not supposed to be because there is much to learn from it and change is never easy because most people prefer to stay with what they know.

You are not alone. Many have trodden your path. And God is there for you as well if you can learn to look for Him, listen to Him and trust Him.

Blessings.

March 17, 2000
7:13 am
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janes
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YES yes yes to what vrj has told you. The fear you will not ever stop is a real one that addicts have to face daily.

But if you did it once you can do it again.

March 29, 2000
6:28 pm
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Molly
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Hey Relapse is a part of the recovery process. Not many share that opinion, but heck what other way to find out how far you have grown. Now its no different than the fat person who was working on weight loss. So they ate the chocolate cake. They feel miserable-fullness, and guilt. Choice of action. Now one day at a time works good here, just remember today where you went and don't go back. That simple. If you hadn't been bored, or out of balance it wouldn't have happened. Besides most users(notice I don't like the word addict, sounds like an excuse to me)will test them selves at some point, for a variety of reasons. You know what you know and won't go back to it unless it serves you in some way, and you clearly stated you do not like it. So in some ways you can just make a choice that serves you better. I am sure you know all the other things to do to. But its done and over and today is a new day that simple

March 30, 2000
10:03 am
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Cici
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Hi Davis,

I wanted you to know that I know exactly what you're going through. I had addiction problems with Ecstasy, coke and heroin for a little less than a year. I had to quit because my body just broke down and now, i'm dealing with the consequences of my abuse with extensive medical problems.

I remember quitting and then going back after I had some negative stuff go down in my life. I remember feeling ashamed and angry that I was too weak to control myself, and I remember that hunger I had for drugs. at one point I would do anything anyone put in front of me, as long as it was cut into lines.

The thing you have to realize is that you're falling into the same patterns because the initial problem that caused you to be dependent on an artificial substance is still there. I know plenty of people who still get fucked up who say they don't do drugs because they need to, they do it because it's fun. That's a lie. You need to do some soul searching, adn there's no reason to go to a therapist if you're not ready. If you're not ready, it won't do any good at all.

So start doing some self-examination. Write in a journal every day for 20 minutes, then get up and do something else. Think long and hard about why you make the choices you make.

In the end, I stoped going to clubs altogether. I had to, I can't handle the temptation. I had to stop hanging out with my friends who did drugs, although they still call me from time to time. These are the sacrifices I made to make myself into a healthier, happier person. Can you do the same?

April 5, 2000
11:13 am
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Brenda
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Good advice and great inspiration cici, hang in there.

April 6, 2000
9:02 am
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hootie-hoo
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Cici, thanks for being a window to my soul. I too had an addiction to that powdered stuff for about 2 or more years. It started out as a lark then became aaq need. I thank God that I had some degree of control though. I found myself in some seedy situations that just wasn't my cup of tea and was able to not become a part of it. I am a mother of three with a good job. I told myself constantly that I could not lose either. I dropped all of the associates that kept me coming back,, even my 2nd husband whom I had divorced 2 years prior. Then came alcohol. My substitute. It was really bad at one time. I dropped the one friend who voiced concern about my drinking, Yet she would always call me up to go drinking with her......go figure. Now I no longer drink a 5th of vodka or scotch because like you I started to experience problems with memory loss... Now I am trying to stop the craving for wine & beer......working hard to stop altogether.

April 6, 2000
9:47 am
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hazza
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HI Hootie,
YOu have done so well, you need to stop altogether, and keep sober and you can and will do it i am sure.
are you getting help with your addictions?
it is so hard when we have to drop people who are no good for us, it can leave a hole, but replace that holw with people who are good for you.
Peace
Hazza

April 6, 2000
11:34 am
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hootie-hoo
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Thanks Hazza. I'm doing much better. However dropping these so-called friends I have found myself becoming very reclusive. This has been good & bad. The good is that I have had time to reflect back on all the mistakes & ask forgiveness, & be appreciative of the creature God has made. The bad is that I am afraid to meet & make new friends or even date. This has made me a very lonely person.

April 6, 2000
11:56 am
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hazza
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Hootie,
I have been there too.
It will not always be so, it is a transitional time, like the caterpillar when he goes into a cocoon for a while and then comes out a lovely butterfly!

as you say, this is a time for reflection and nuturing your own energies, soon you will become more outgoing again, but in the right way. not following weak people or weak fashions, but go your own path.
If you don't spend this time now, how you gonna know what that path is?
peace
Hazza

April 6, 2000
12:25 pm
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hootie-hoo
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It is such a relief to be able to release all of the burdens that we carry around inside. I feel like I have found really true kindred spirits...Thanks everyone!!!!!!

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