Avatar

Please consider registering
guest

sp_LogInOut Log In sp_Registration Register

Register | Lost password?
Advanced Search

— Forum Scope —




— Match —





— Forum Options —





Minimum search word length is 3 characters - maximum search word length is 84 characters

sp_TopicIcon
My 14 yr old date an 18 yr old "NOT", update
March 14, 2007
12:14 am
Avatar
hbdude2k
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Things are going not to well for her in her eyes. I have set down some rules for right now. No dating at all, no going out with friends right now or going to the mall with friends right now. I will let her go, however it will be supervised by me and I will take the extra time to go and supervise, but make it a family outing in a way. She is a 14 yr old child and will not be an adult with adult rules. The cell phone was disconnected (because the last 2 months she racked up 400.00 extra cost.) I got her progress report and 5 "F's" today. Everything that I have done she is respecting and S.O.B, this girl has been doing homework the last 2 days. I didn't yell at her, but just sat down and asked her what happened. Last month she had 4 "B's" ...I explained that she has no choice but to do better for herself and her future. She understands, however I am not budging on my rules. These rules are going to stick till she is 16 at least. Its amazing how you can abuse the good life (freedom) and not realize it till you screwed up and lose everything. I gave her a goal to look forward to: If you get your grades to A'S, B'S AND C'S, then you pick what you would like to do, within reason, at the end of the year. She wants to go to NEW YORK to visit, but I told her it might be a possibility. That is something that is on the border within reason. I told her to get something that she will use all the time or I will put some money in a savings account to help save for a car. Hopefully this goal will be some motivation for her. The thing is, she is very smart but just has a lazy bug in her system. 2 more days till she see's a therapist...

March 15, 2007
10:55 am
Avatar
lifeistooshort
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Way to go mom! Family time is best right now. For those grades to drop so fast, something was going on with her. She will appreciate you one day when she is older and has her own kids. You gave her a great incentive with her grades. It is her choice now. Although it may seem hard at times, don't let your guard down and don't yell at her. Talk, Talk & Talk. Therapy will be great too! Good luck and hang in there. She is our future!

March 15, 2007
12:29 pm
Avatar
soprano2
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

Yeah for you. Standing your ground is so hard--especially when they want something so bad.

Better for her to learn boundaries now instead of learning them if she would get completely out of control.

This is a good example of great communication.

Gook luck in the future with this, and keep us posted on how she does--which I am sure will be well.

March 16, 2007
7:09 am
Avatar
bonni
New Member
Members
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 30, 2010
sp_UserOfflineSmall Offline

sounds reasonable to me & that you have framed the rule tightening as consequence to her actions. you might point out to her how fortunate she is to get this lesson learned now, while the consequences aren't permanent. Her recent behavior would lead to more serious consequences were she an adult.

I would encourage you to ease off thinking of her as a child and more as an adult-in-training. your goal is less to protect her and more to prepare her to make good adult decisions. Putting the time limit on the restrictions to age 16 is excellent, as I think that what you have spelled out is appropriate and only seems outrageous to her because she had more freedom (which she demonstrated she wasn't ready for).

I truly think you have to find other opportunities for her to build trust and experience with making progressively more difficult decisions. Within your rules, there has to be a alot of room for her to make her own decisions. She has to practice practice practice, like riding a bike. In this case, she rode her bike on a busy interstate and you are taking her off the interstate and you can't just take the bike away, you have to take her to a parking lot and then a not so busy street, and then so on, because one day, she will be driving on the interstate without you and need the experience of making decisions (good and bad) and taking the consequences (good and bad).

Anyway, I do think she still has a lot of freedom within your rules. I only bring up the perspective thing because time is going fast and you will only be able to impose structure for so long. You have to be more of a coach than a dictator (though perhaps dictator is the right role for another few months) but she will willingly follow a coach, with a dictator she is incented to rebel. Your last big source of leverage is signing off for a drivers license, unless you plan to pay for college. even if you pay for college, that's limited leverage.

Best,
Bonni

Forum Timezone: UTC -8

Most Users Ever Online: 247

Currently Online:
50 Guest(s)

Currently Browsing this Page:
1 Guest(s)

Top Posters:

onedaythiswillpass: 1134

zarathustra: 562

StronginHim77: 453

free: 433

2013ways: 431

curious64: 408

Member Stats:

Guest Posters: 49

Members: 108555

Moderators: 5

Admins: 3

Forum Stats:

Groups: 8

Forums: 74

Topics: 38531

Posts: 714172

Newest Members:

Torrent_Hit, Irrigationdql, Vortexfia, olalaprofi, brianzi18, WilliamGoldPek

Moderators: arochaIB: 1, devadmin: 9, Tincho: 0, Donn Gruta: 0, Germain Palacios: 0

Administrators: admin: 21, ShiningLight: 572, emily430: 29

Copyright © 2019 MH Sub I, LLC. All rights reserved. Terms of Use | Privacy Policy | Cookie Policy | Health Disclaimer