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+ms as
November 29, 1999
3:53 pm
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ms as
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I have been married to a man for 20 years
who has no interest in a sexual relationship.
About 3 years ago, I began an affair with aa
man I had dated 25 years ago. Now, the problem is I have fallen in love with him
and I am totally miserable. He is not willing to leave his wife. I ended the
relationship with him for a few months, but
he kept calling me so I could not resist
so I started seeing him again. He is the only
source of intimacy with a man I have. I can
not bring myself to break it off. I need help.
ms as

November 29, 1999
10:13 pm
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EssEmm
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Why does your husband have no interest in a sexual relationship ms as? Tell me more about this. Is he UNABLE to perform sexually or does he just not want to? Is he too tired? Depressed? What seems to be the problem? What does he say to you when you try to initiate sex? Many sexual problems can be worked on successfully but it takes dedication on the part of BOTH partners to make it work.

Now let me be blunt: I don't think your relationship with the other guy will ever amount to anything more than sex and sex, my friend, does not equal love. If you continue to see this man, it will only make you more miserable. I'm not judging you at all. I just want to tell you straight up...It ain't gonna happen. I get the impression that you're a person who wants to be loved and is looking for more than just sex in a relationship. If that's true, then you need to take the other man out of the equation right now no matter how much it hurts. Then you need to think long and hard (not that you haven't already, I'm sure you have.) about what you want to do with your marriage. Do you want to try and save it or do you want a fresh start?

You have some tough decisions to make here. I hope everything goes well for you. Let us know how things go. Good luck.

Your Friend

EssEmm

November 30, 1999
8:48 am
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November 30, 1999
8:59 am
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EssEmm
Thank you for your reply. I needed to hear that.
In the beginning, he had interest in sex sporatically.
Now, he cannot perform, even with Viagra. I thought
for years, I wanted out of the marriage, but now I
don't. I do really care for him. He is very kind and
good to me. I have been to counseling and she pointed
out my options. Either get out or deal with it. I
would like to know if low sexual interest in men is
common. I know you are right about removing the other
man from the equation. I'm going to somehow find the
strength to do it. I am terrified my grown childred
are going to find out.Thank you for helping me.
MsAs

November 30, 1999
9:42 pm
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EssEmm
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+ms as...

Okay, it sounds like what you're dealing with is at least a partial inability to perform sexually. Can I tell you some information that I've learned in some of my psycology classes?

Sexual dysfunction is very common in males especially as they get older. Your husband may need to be examined by a doctor to make sure that there is no medical problem. Also, remember that viagra is not the only option available for sexual dysfunction. A good sex therapist can teach you techniques to help get your sex life back on track. The good news is that treatment for sexual disorders has a high success rate when there is a committment from BOTH PARTNERS to the therapy process. That means that the other man needs to be the first thing to go...

I'm willing to bet that your husband is probably pretty ashamed of his problem so be sure and be extra extra extra sensitive about this with him. Show him that you still love him and want to help him through his problem. Be sure that he knows that he is not alone and that plenty of other men are going through the same thing that he is. Also tell him what I've told you about the fact that therapy often works.

Once again, good luck.

December 1, 1999
9:21 am
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EssEmm
Thank you for your reply. Where do you fine a sex
counseler. My husband has major issues that go a
long way back. This is his third marriage. I found
divorce paper from his first wife and she had stated
in the divorce papers their sex life was highly
unsatisfactory. I have talked about counseling with
him before and he always says, we'll if that is what
you want, I will go. It's like I have to lead him
around. He has always acted as if sex was a chore he
had to do. Lots of times during sex he would say,
I really need to be out there mowing the grass, repair
ing something, etc. etc. After a while I just gave
up. I always felt like I was the only one interested.
Now, I just stay busy,and I don't think about it so
much. I guess I just gave up.

December 1, 1999
10:52 pm
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EssEmm
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ms as try looking in the yellow pages under psychologists or therapists or whatever they are under. If there are no ads that say they do sex therapy, call one of them and ask them to refer you to a doctor who does. Also you could try using the internet to find a therpist. It sounds like this guy really wants to make you happy. For some reason, he dosen't seem to like sex but don't give up. A good therapist can help you to discover and work on his issues around sex together. But remember what you need to do first: Say goodbye to the other guy. You have to be committed to your husband and your husband only for this to work. I really hope this works for you both. I'm rooting for you over here... EssEmm

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