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Mr 22 just drove up..I am freaking out!!
August 23, 2006
1:38 pm
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Soulsister
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Hi reaching out..

H "really" did get married. My best friend's brother is married to his Aunt. She has talked to her about the wedding..and about when she got the invitation.

So I know it all sounds fishy..but it really is all true. When I met him..I didn't know he was engaged. SPent the night with him..and he told me when we woke up, that he had asked his high school sweetheart to marry him..and she got scared (I uess) and went back to Alaska. Apparently, the wedding had previously been postponed. SHe had been in Alaska for 4 months when I met him. He (I think) was pissed at her for leaving..and justified his cheating on her. He asked for my #..he called. I met his dad..his brother, all of his frineds..at his house at BBQ's. It seemed to me..maybe hre really wasn't going to get married. But, I would guard my heart..and just have fun. Well, she continued to plan the wedding..he tried to talk to her about his fears..and not showing for the wedding. She said "you'll be there" I spent at least 3-4 days a week with him..either at his house..or at mine. A month and a half later..still trying to guard my heart..and hoping he really wouldn't get married. He went to Alaska..and got married on Aug 15. I didn't contact him..I stayed away..and just figured..he was gone and married..and was ok with it. THen he drove up to my house..and that is where this thread starts..

I have to keep reminding myself, that he is 17 years younger than me..and as much as I ended up caring about him..what kind of future would the relationship have had..even if he hadn't been engaged..or gotten married??? Probably none..I know that..it's just hard because I was doing good..had walked away feeling good..and KABLAM..he shows at my house..to hug me..and says he missed me. It was like..all the feelings I had stuffed away...came at me all at once.

So, here I am.....

Love you all.....Soulsister

August 23, 2006
3:45 pm
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readyforachange
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soul...I kind of agree with reachingout. I've always felt a little weird about this guy's story, like there was a MAJOR fear of commitment on his part and he wanted a built in excuse to never have to be accountable to you. Why was he apart from her for 4 months, and then just showed up and married her. And why is he back at your door less than a week after the wedding? It doesn't make sense...do you REALLY know who this guy is???

Take care of yourself, okay? (((soul)))

August 23, 2006
4:07 pm
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They met in Alaska..and then moved here to live. She is the one who took off..and went back to Alaska..and left him. I do think..he "knew" he would get married to her..and I do think he was trying to "BE WILD" until he had to marry her. I don't think he thought he would have feelings for me..and I for him..

I also, had some chats with his 45 year old dad..when he went to work on a sat morning and his dad was visiting from Alaska. He said..no one thought he was ready for marriage..and hsi did wouldn't have thought much about me and Mr 22, being just a one night stand..but..he was concerned that he was seeing me..again..and again..and obviously ahd feelings for me. So, he REALLY felt he shouldn't get married. Wierd to think his dad sat ther..at his son's wedding..knowing..he had been seeing me..and had feelings for me..and never told his son..he was making a mistake. I guess, people listen..but they have to learn from their own mistakes..

Love you guys...Souly

August 23, 2006
5:33 pm
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Well, I'm bawling..but I will feel better after I get it all out. Just got a text from Mr 22...

it just said I was a good girl..and he hoped I found a good guy..and said it was a pleasure being friends with me..and goodbye..

It was sweet..better than nothing I guess..but I'm still crying. I think my feelings for him were a little stronger than his for me..but, what did I expect..he loved someone else.

I told him..I'd be fine..and that I really hoped he was happy..because I really did care about him. so..that is that..time to cry a while..and try not to wonder why it is..I can't ever have a normal true love...but, maybe next time..lol..

got a letter from B today.. very emotional day for me.. I will post it.. so I am so mixed up today....in my head and my heart..and then to top it ALL off..a little girl I'm taking care of puked all over my livingroom. So, she is in the bath wth little B..and I'm crying.. and I really jsut want this day..to end!!

Love you all....Soul

August 23, 2006
5:45 pm
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Letter from B:

S, I'm writing this not exactly sure if I'm going to send it or not. I'm sure I'll eventually give it to you, either way.

First, I want you to know I love you, more than I've ever loved anyone before. It means so much, the things you do everyday that show your love for me. The coming to see me and bringing little B, the calls that cost so much money. I know you can't afford, but still accept anyway and all you've done for Jacob, too.

Second, I'm sorry S, for being here and not there, for everytime I left, when I should have stayed and taking for granted the beauty and opportunity you've made possible throughout our relationship together.

You alone, are the most beautiful and sincere person, I've ever met and so, someday, when things are better S, I promise to ask you to marry me.

Your Love for Life..

B

August 23, 2006
5:47 pm
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So, now I'm emotional. I have guilt for having feelings for someone else..who doesn't have them for me. I don't know..would like things to just be ok..and feel good.

August 23, 2006
11:00 pm
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Wow, Soul. That was a very nice letter from B. I guess his perspective has changed being on "the inside"- realizes what he could have had. Too bad he didn't know that before, huh?

As to Mr 22: I know you can do it- let him go. You have to. Ignore anymore texts from him and don't start anything else. Time to move on, girlfriend.

August 24, 2006
10:25 am
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Hi Sd..

I loved the letter, from B..but..but..but..look where he is..and if he should be the person..that I want and need..when he get's out..if he finds out all that I have done..will he ever forgive me?????????

Having a hard time..letting go of Mr 22..but..time..will help..I know..

Love ya...Soul

August 24, 2006
10:49 am
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risingfromtheashes
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well, I think that forgiveness goes both ways.

and judging from what you are going thru, I think that he shouldn't be the first to throw stones.

you are trying to live your life, while not putting it on hold for him - he made his choices.

what you NEED TO DO - is decide what YOUR PATH is.

What does SOUL want and what can she reasonably HAVE?

You can't control him, the choices he has made or the consequences HE is paying for it.

So - do you choose to wait for him? If so, you need to stop seeing other men and be true to him.

Do you live your life and see what happens down the road with him? If so, you need to be honest with him and tell him you intend to see other men, stay friends with him, and when he is released, start over and see if the relationship will work.

Do you take a break from dating all together? work on yourself, stay his friend but explain that for now, you are not committed to anyone, including him, and need alone time.

Frankly, I think taking a break and getting YOU together, in one piece, happy, whole and healthy should be your priority. I think that you will continue to hurt yourself if you keep getting involved in one destructive relationship after another.

And consider another thing - if you are exposing little b to these guys, eventually he is going to tell big b that you have had "friends" sleep over....and this is NOT the way you want him to hear this stuff....nor do you want your son growing up thinking he can treat women this way, the way these men are treating you.

You have alot to think about, and I am not trying to lecture....but help you understand that until you feel good being "alone", you will not find a healthy relationship that is meant to last.....I kept trying to fit this same square peg in the same round hole and in the end, only hurt myself and those around me. I took a break, and now I am back dating again, but taking it SLOWLY and cautiously and feel like he may be a winner, but not jumping into the shallow end, feet first....it may or may not work out, but I am not DEPENDING on the fact that it will....I will not be lost if it doesn't....and I will be strong enough to walk away if I see red flags or warnings.

But, only until I got a grip on my own mental health, was I able to accomplish this.

August 24, 2006
11:55 am
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(((Rising)))

Are you inside my head??? lol..cause these are the questions I have. I just posted on the "just Sex" thread. Kind of just realizing..that I think I really liked Mr 22..because he was not available..temporary and I knew that I would still be available for B..Later. Even, though I really hoped he wouldn't get married..I knew he would..and I also thought, IF he didn't because of the age..I still thought it would only be a temporary thing..and later he would want a younger woman to have a family with, and it would pass the time..until the time B got out..and I could start again with him.

So, I know you are right..about working on me..and getting healthy..I just don't know how???

I truly hate being alone..and lonely..having Mr 22 was so nice..to have someone make me feel cared about again..and to be held..it is so hard to think about not having that again..and for how long???

Love SOul

August 24, 2006
12:07 pm
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chinita
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Soul honey

I've been there and it takes alot of work. But u really have to dig in deep and realize Life without a man. You have to be able to stand alone and manage yourself and then maybe you can hold a healthy relationship and to be able to see those RED FLAGS and walk away. Sometimes we'll see those flags and go around them and think they'll change, or I'll be the one he'll fall in Love with and things will change? We can't do that sweety because what we'll be looking at is saddness, depression, heartache, kaos etc...
We can't change anybody, but we can change ourselves and look at things differently and be aware of things,and not blinded by "Love" that really isn't there.

Did I make sense?

We live and learn, NOBODY is perfect but we need to learn to stop repeating the same cycle and Love ourselves First and the kids, then maybe a relationship.

I would recommend therapy. It's a thought Soul, it really helps. I myself need to find a therapist ASAP!I had one before but things happened but anyways LOVE YA Girly!!!

China Girl

August 24, 2006
12:20 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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Sweetie,

I know the confusion.

Once upon a time, I had told you that perhaps you fell for these men because it was YOU that feared intimacy.

If you find unavailable men, tho you fall for them and THINK you want them - you know you can't....and on some level, that feels "safe".

It sounds confusing, but I guess that's the way I ended up being, and now I am ready for "real" and "intimate" - which means finding available men.

I really think professional therapy would help you identify why you choose unavailable men.

For me, I choose them because I grew up with an unavailable father, and I am trying to "repeat history" but "change the outcome" and have them fall for me THIS TIME.....to succeed where I failed before.

But to recover, I had to realize that my dad being unavailable was NOT an indication of how much he did or didn't love me....or about my worth as a person. That it was HIS dysfunction and I don't have to accept it as my baggage, or find other guys with the same problem or fix these other guys.

I did take a course of anti-depressants that helped the obsessive thinking.....I am off them now....but was a necessary short term fix.

I did therapy and coda meetings and quit when I realized that I was making good progress, while everyone else around me looked like they were stuck or spinning their wheels with the same problems. I feel I have a pretty good grip on my mental health now.

I am alone - but not lonely. And once you reach that point, you know you have a good chance of finding something good.....cuz you don't NEED someone to make you happy, but you WANT someone to be happy with.

I know that if mr. 25 fizzles, I can walk away easily without a total meltdown....so I KNOW I am where I need to be.

You have a child that needs you, and all this attention you are putting on men is taking away from his time with you.

Being alone can be a good thing, I really would advise you find a way to conquer that....cuz being needy is what is making you find the lousy guys.....once you don't NEED a man, you will find the right one.

At least, that's what I hear time and time again, and I may be able to report success down the road, as I think I may have proven that to be true....but don't want to jump the gun.

August 24, 2006
1:48 pm
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Rising..

I do remember when you said I was choosing unavailable men. I'm sure I'm doing it for the same reasons as you did. Father! I do realize that B loves me..and that it isn't because he didn't love me enough to change. I remember thinking that, with the ex-h, so I guess I've maybe learned a little something along the way..lol..

Alone...that's a hard one for me. I have been alone for what feels like two years. On and off with B..never really having him be there for me. Breaking up..getting back together..

I went to see him this morning..got in an argument with the receptionist. They wouldn't let me see him today. He was moved 3 times in a week and a half..so, his visiting days were changed 3 times. So, they wouldn't approve my visit. I was pissed..cause I really wanted to see him. They said I should have come yesterday morning. Only knowing the night before at 9:00pm..I'm supposed to arrange to be therea t 9am...not to mention the biotch was looking at the wrong inmate..and told me he had been in lock down..for being in trouble..which wasn't true. Finally, my frined who works there..said..you're looking at the wrong inmate. DUH!! Then they wouldn't approve the visit. ARG!

Anyway, some guy..who knew B said he knew him..he was being released. He said, B was lucky to have me..and that I was a good one. No...I'm just codependent!!!!!!!

Thank you for all you've said..it really does help..I just wish I knew how to fix me 🙂

Love SOUL

August 24, 2006
1:52 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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Soul,

when you don't know how to fix you, then it's time to turn it over to people that can.

strongly URGE you to consider professional counseling.

it was the catalyst that got me going in the right direction and once I figured out what to do, with their guidance, I was able to branch out and handle it alone.

Perhaps there is a therapist or chaplin at the correctional center that handles families of inmates? would seem they provide this service to help families cope?

otherwise, any 12 step meetings - coda, acoa or al-anon would help, and a GOOD therapist can do wonders.

I really think this is a big problem and you need help from someone who is qualified to lead you in the right direction.

August 24, 2006
2:29 pm
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Soul: ummmmm did u forget about me!!! I posted too.

I'm being a brat miss ya!!!

Therapy Soul! Try it. It's just a suggestion.

August 24, 2006
3:25 pm
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Sorry...my sweet miss China girl..

You know I love ya..I actually started to respond to you on the other thread and the kids starting fighting..came back..and lost my train of thought..I had half of something typed..and couldn't remember where I was going with it..lol..not enough sleep...DUH!!!

I really know..I need therapy..but I have NO ins..self employed..I think I can get on a sliding scale thing..here in town..but, the only downfall to that..is that people have big mouths in this town..and gossip everything..so, if you're seen at the "mental" health facilty..you are a "freak"..lol..

I know..it sounds like an excuse..what do I care..I'm always seen at the jail..lol...

Love you China girl..we are "two" of a kind..YA THINK?????

Soul

August 24, 2006
4:09 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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don't worry about stigma, you would be surprised by who goes to mental health facilities....tell them you work there...lol!!!

Also, you are only hurting yourself by making excuses.

But at the same time, if you are not convinced you need help, or willing to do it, forcing yourself may not be worth it either....cuz the first step is wanting to accept the help, and be open to what they say.

August 24, 2006
5:55 pm
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Soul: don't ever care what people think or say for all you know the one's that are talking are the one's with the same damm issues.

I hope your doing fine!!!

Don't overwhelm yourself with all these emotions ok? Take it easy. Depression and Loneliness is a real BAD combination.

Stay Strong and WERE All HERE for U!!!

August 25, 2006
11:35 am
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Friday..yippee...! I was missing Mr 22 so much...this morning..now, I'm ok...got past that lonely feeling..until the next time...

Love Soul

August 25, 2006
11:48 am
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((((Soul))))

I've been following your thread and the story about Mr. 22 and I just wanted you to know I am thinking of you and sending you hugs!

I don't really have any advice to offer because it sounds like rising and others have given you some great advice.

Just wanted you to know we love you!

TGIF

Free spirit

August 25, 2006
12:08 pm
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Yay!!!!!

Soul your sounding better!!!!!!!!!

Have a good day!!!

Love Ya
China Girl

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