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Moving tommorow, could use some 'stay strong' advice
April 8, 2005
4:13 pm
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exoticflower
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My daughter and I are moving tommorow, but with some unresolved issues still. Things with her father are going much better, and we're really working togeather on this...sometimes. A lot of it I am doing alone though, he has a hard time looking at his problems, some things I think he just doesn't want to fix. I could use some advice regarding that, I really don't want to backslide and start trying to change things I can't or let my happiness depend on his getting better with the lying or drinking or guess I need some advice regarding sort of seperating myself from him in those areas, you know? I've been getting discouraged, I imagine because it's all getting so close now, and Im scared, then panicked. Then I read this thing from a different post that struck me,

"To remain above reproach, he sets himself up as the apparently hapless, innocent victim of your excessive demands and tirades".

And that sounded exactly right. It is definately something he does to claim all of the control in a situation when he feels confronted with things, or even sommetimes when he just feels guilty on his own. And sometimes I really am a tyrant, how do I deal with that? SO many things, I would apriciate any advice I could get, and any encouragement--I jump from being proud of myself to being disgusted and beating myself up with how I have been coming along, and while I went to one counceling session just to talk out some things, it was a one time thing--I have a new councelor set up there but I won't go until Tuesday, and have a CODA meeting next Friday--but a lot can happen in a week, and I worry.

Thanks so much, sorry to babble--Moving makes me frantic, changing makes me scared, dealing with him sometimes makes me frustrated. It's just a lot right now on top of the ordinary first time parent stressors. I'm getting a bit worked up, so I better end this now. Thanks.

April 8, 2005
6:42 pm
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exoticflower
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As the day wears on I'm inceasingly more worried. I really could use some advice. What if I can't do this and screw everything up again?

April 8, 2005
7:33 pm
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D dog
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Sorry for delay in response, EF. Been giving my all to the Sex Question thread (gutter-snipe that I am!)

You CAN do this...moving should be a time of hope, and not panic. Until he is willing to change, there is nothing you can do except focus on yourself and the well-being of your daughter.

It takes an inordinate amount of courage to move on, and I applaud you for doing it. Wipe out those doubts...he has left you with no choice.

April 8, 2005
8:30 pm
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CODA_Mom
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Hey exoticflower,

First of all, try to stop and take a long, deep breath (this may sound silly, but maybe blowing bubbles with your daughter may help :). Your thread sounds very anxious and I could sense that you are worried about all of the "what ifs" and uncertainties in your situation.

One way to combat the anxiety is to just look at your situation - today - and don't even give tomorrow a thought. Whatever you have to do for yourself and your daughter, do it, here and now. Postpone your worries about your bf because moving is stressful enough.

The best thing you can do, and you seem to be doing, is to start taking care of yourself by getting counseling and other outside support once you are settled. It is risky at best to focus all of your energy on your partner because then he holds the key to your health and happiness. At this stage in your relationship, that is not a good idea.

One you are moved and your computer is set up, let us know how it went, we'll still be here for ya!

Take care, ((((hugs)))) CM

April 8, 2005
8:38 pm
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brownie
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Hello exoticflower.

I don't know the whole story but from what i read it sounds like your husband is an alcoholic and can be controlling.My advice to you is to move on.He has to resolve his own issues not you.You have to focus on you and your daughter.She needs you to be strong for her since her dad is not able to do it.

I am in somewhat in the same boat except my husband has been sober for 14 years and he is more controlling than ever.He likes to manipulate me and play with my feelings.Only thing too is that i stay with him in his dads house and i am in the process of looking for a place too.I'm ready to move on.He has to take care of himself.

So don't continue to beat yourself up and not to continue to call yourself a tyrant.I'm codependent too.I have not been in coda in a couple of months now.I will go back though when i get the chance.I just been looking and looking to move on.I felt he has held me back for so long.

Basically exotic let go and let god.Keep the focus on you don't worry about what hes gonna do or how hes gonna act.If he really wants to change then he will show you by going to therapy putting himself in recovery.You are moving in the right path.Good luck and keep posting.

April 8, 2005
10:33 pm
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exoticflower
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The packing is done, the baby is sleeping...I guess that's it, now there's nothing to do but wait and see what happens next. It's all really scary, especially the part where his life is beyond my control and I have to just deal with me...while with him. Does that make sense? I know he loves our daughter and I, and I love him, and he understands there are going to be boundries. This part is really scary to me. There have not been boundries before or conciquences--following through is not my strong suit.

Anyway I'll be up looking these threads over for a bit longer before I go to sleep, and would love any more advice anyone could spare--thanks so much, I have a lot to think over here. It really helps.

April 9, 2005
3:50 am
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godsgirl
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Exotic Flower,

Are you moving out or back in with him??

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