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moving on but the past still keeps grapping my foot!
July 6, 2007
12:37 pm
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lewis
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hi, I have recently made postive decisions to change and move on, however there is a tendency to get caught up in other family members issues, sometimes I feel that know matter what you do you just can't start again! It seems difficult to let go of family yet I know I have to, to move on.

July 6, 2007
12:42 pm
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atalose
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You don't have to let go of family you just have to learn not to get involved with their business. Learning to listen without offering advice is a start. Think about some of the conversations you've had with family meembers, are they really asking you to get involved with their business or are they just venting and your natural response is to jump in and fix, mend, repair and help?

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 6, 2007
1:56 pm
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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but at the same time, if it's too tempting to help, then perhaps avoiding the situation until you are strong enough not to is a good idea.

Then later on, when you can say "NO" and not get involved, you can rebuild your relationships in a healthier way.

You don't have to cut them out completely (unless they really are toxic)...just limit your exposure...and time...so you aren't compelled to get involved...or get dragged in against your will.

if you feel it getting like that, say "I really have to go, I'll see you later" and get out...no need to explain any more than that.

July 7, 2007
9:06 am
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lewis
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atalose
thanks that's really good advice, and that is what i have been learning to too for quite some time now to just listen and not get involved. I will bare that in mind next time a confrontation appears,

you said'are they really asking you to get involved with their business or are they just venting and your natural response is to jump in and fix, mend, repair and help' I will bare that in mind next time a confrontation appears.

risingfromtheashes
thanks for your good advice, thats also what i have been doing, i haven't been strong enough so I have given them a wide berth, now I'm feeling more like me again I can see the signs, I do try to do the '"I really have to go, I'll see you later" but it cause problems.

I have two sisters that have individual problems, the other day i went to her house and she uses me to get at her husband, I am the audience and I said 'not now it makes me feel uncomfortable' she said, 'thats it when I say something its always wrong' and her face is full of hate.
I say nothing and wait for the awkward atmosphere to dissolve. I soon leave.

July 7, 2007
9:09 am
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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her response was immature and unhealthy, as is her desire to get you involved.

It's one thing to need someone to "listen", another to have them want you to jump in and fix it.

HOWEVER, if you have always done that, it may take a while for them to adjust to you NOT doing that, or not even wanting to. And they may get confused and take it personally.

I think you handled it well. They have a right to their reactions and you don't have to "own" or "take on" their disappointment...stick to your boundaries.

July 7, 2007
5:58 pm
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atalose
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Rising hit it nail on the head. If you've always jumped in and now you are not, it will take your sister awhile to adjust to the NEW YOU.

It sounds like she uses you as her courage in dealing with her husband or feeling safe you are there so she can push his buttons.

I think the more you continue to handle it like you did the better that situation will become for you.

Atalose

~~Hope has a place, but not above reality~~

July 11, 2007
2:08 pm
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lewis
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Risingfromtheashes
They are words of wisdom you have shared, thank you.
I have always done that and I'm changing because we are all repeating the same b/h and expecting different results - a form of madness I have been told!
I'm going to bare that in mind about the reactions, and I do have these boundaries for a reason.

Atalose
Yea it felt like a nail in my head while I read it.! I've though for some while that she uses me.

Because I'm trying to change I've noticed she tries to intentionally hurt me, by pushing me out of family issues or not including me, I find her very cold towards me, and because of this I have decided it is better to be with people that make you feel good not bad.

I'm going to bare that in mind about the reactions, and I do have these boundaries for a reason.

July 11, 2007
2:39 pm
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risingfromtheashes
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you said "Because I'm trying to change I've noticed she tries to intentionally hurt me, by pushing me out of family issues or not including me, I find her very cold towards me"

may be a blessing in disguise.

yes, it hurts to NOT be included, but she probably figures, you aren't going to help, so why bring you into it.

this will go a LONG way...look at it as a blessing, not a curse.

she may do it in retaliation, but she is doing you a favor...as you didn't want to get sucked in in the first place.

right now it may have to be "all or nothing", meaning until you all figure out a healthy place to be, it's best to NOT be involved AT ALL...until you are strong enough to be involved at a distance, without being sucked in...and until they realize that you want to be supportive, but can't really actively "fix" or participate in anything.

it's a learning curve for everyone...you may only be changing YOUR ways, but you are also forcing change on people who may not realize they needed it, or even want it.

July 15, 2007
11:54 am
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lewis
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risingfromtheashes
thanks for the great advice, and its all exactly what is happening in my world right now - change.

I read once that if you change, people around you automatically change too.

thanks for the support it real helps.

July 15, 2007
1:11 pm
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lewis
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i posted a reply? where as it gone??

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