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Move to Please Who?
February 26, 2000
2:07 pm
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gladly
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Dear All,
I could really use some impartial advice. A year ago my mother died, and her passing split up my relationships with my siblings. One is my enemy, two are neutral, and one wants me to replace my mother in her life. The pressures became unbearable, and I had the opportunity to sell my home for a good price, and move to another state with my husband and son. The cost of living is somewhat lower, and the area is much better to raise a child. I found a wonderful house with a lot of land and trees, and have invested a lot of time and emotion in it. The problem is..my husband had to transfer to a new division of his job, and he is now friendless. My in-laws live in our old state, and my husband and child are lonely for them. I love them also, but moving back home means turning back in time, with my husbands family controlling much of his time, all holidays, with my Mother-in-law the head of both our families. In his culture, families are very close, and I see he is pining for his old life. The other problem, is I will be back to being emotionally right where I was with my family, feeling that I must replace my mother in their life.
I would be happy with just us, but I see my husband will not be. As I love him so much, I will move back if it makes him happy for an instant, but how shall I deal with all my problems?

February 26, 2000
7:15 pm
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janes
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Did your husband SAY he wanted to move back? And if he is friendless is that your responsibility? Won't he, in time, make new friends at church and work? Isn't he a grown-up? He obviously agreed to move. Any move at any time is a major stress on all involved. It takes time to adjust.

Why are you taking so much responsibilty for everyone's feelings?
Why can't you say NNO to the sibling that wants you to replace Mom?

If the cost of living is lower save for trips back home to visit the in-laws.

Invite them down and pay their way.

I am very curious as to why...when you seem to KNOW that you have made a move that is GOOD for you you negate the ositives with how bad it is for everyone else?

And if you move back..and everyone else is happy sow do you then geel about your unhappiness about giving up what you wanted.

My advise...stick it out. Find a group or a counselor where you are to sidcuss these feelings. I think they go alot deeper than you know.

There are lots of things you can do other than going backwards in time.

February 26, 2000
10:41 pm
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gladly
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Dear Janes,
Thank you for taking the time to reply to my appeal. You are right, I can't really imagine going back to my old life, and I am guessing what my husband is really feeling. It has been very difficult to make such a big move. I think if we can get his folks up here, for a while, it will not feel so alien for him. We shall try to make some new friends, and be more social! A long time ago I learned to not want what I feel I cannot have, and now I have downsized my needs too much! Thank you.

February 27, 2000
6:30 pm
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janes
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WHEN I REREAD WHAT I SHARED WITH YOU IT WAS SO ABRUPT. BUT TRUE. oops caps on.

Plus you remind me of me...always thinking about others. giving up what WE need when we GUESS how others feel.

It's called codependent. I have been reading a lot about that. and although nurtuing mothers need to nurture we tend to fall into the codependent trap when the nurturing takes over and we lose sight of our true selves in the marriage relationship and the mommy role. (the most important one)

PLEASE remember the stress factor in such a big move. for all of you. And remember to that this move may in the long run be great for your marriage (you're on your own as a couple) as a family (less meddling and advise) (even if it's meant well) A chance for your child to have his/her OWN PLACE. sounds like your property os marvlous.

Think like a pioneer!!!!!

YOU ARE IMPORTANT TOO!!!!! AS are your feelings, your dreams and your thoughts.
Yes...be more social, have adventures!!
Have fun, relax. Live life and love it.
Stop worrying so much about how others are feeling. If they are grwnups they should be able to deal with it. If they are children it's called growth (called that for grownups too)

Seeya

February 28, 2000
12:42 pm
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gladly
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Thank you janes,
I was feeling so lost when I wrote that..what does it mean in my life if I am dragged back into a situation I used such radical surgery to escape? My husband is an adult, and my son will be happy as soon as he can find some other children to play with. I think the move was a good one, all are standing on own two feet for the first time ever in my family, even helping each other out occasionally. I appreciate your reply, and have been reading other threads you have replied to. Good for you, you have a lot of help to offer. I am happy to find a place to discuss problems that would just hurt those involved with me, to get an objective opinion. Thanks

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