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Mothers needs first. What is wrong with me?
March 16, 2010
10:37 am
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gettnthere
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My mother has spent so long in denial about an abusive husband that now after all of this time that she has asked him to leave, she has turned to me for support. I have not been offered any support for the sexual, emtional and physical abuse of her partner, nor the continued denial of what has happened to me, but rather what has happened to her. He is suing her for money. She is saying that this is her biggest fear, and I am deeply offended when I hear this. Her biggest fear has not been what happened to me when I was a kid, nor what her monster husband did to my child. I did report this to the police, a long while ago. Investigations still going. Arrest supposed to be made very shortly. But all my mother is concerned about is her divorce and threat of losing money. She has demonstrated in any way to me any other reaction. It only really dawned on me today that she probably never will either. Am I wrong to be upset? It has really derailed me today. Badly.

March 16, 2010
10:53 am
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It No Longer Matters
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Gettnthere: First off I had the mother of all crazy alcoholics for a mother so I kind of know how you feel but not exactly. That being said. We as children no matter how old we are or what garbage we have been through always hold out a glimmer of hope that our mothers will love us and put us first. I don't know about you but for a long time I was always amazed when mine preferred a bottle of bourbon to me and put it and her needs before mine. IT HURTS LIKE HELL DOESN'T IT. I don't know what the future holds for you and your mother. I didn't have contact with mine for the last 20 years of her life and she died last year so that will never be solved.

What I can tell you is that there is hope for you. When you can finally give up hope that she is going to be the mother of your dreams and everything is going to fade out into rose colored light and you will all be a happy little family and you can accept this and start making yourself happy and trying to be the mother to your children that you always wanted her to be to you , then , yes, yes you can achieve some level of healing.

Me? Well I am working on it day by day.

Bitsy

March 16, 2010
11:50 am
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truthBtold
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(((((gettnthere)))))

"....It only really dawned on me today that she probably never will either. Am I wrong to be upset? It has really derailed me today. Badly."

You are not wrong to be upset at all and it is COMPLETELY understandable how derailing this is!

I remember the time that it 'dawned on me' too and its upsetting, to say the very least.

The was a situation which occurred, the details are not all that important - but the bottom line was when I said to myself.....Hey? What about ME?

Up until that point it had been all one-way with me on the giving end all the time and getting nothing in return except them wanting more and more - then it dawned on me, they don't care about my needs. They really don't.

Its tough. But, now you know. (And has someone here once told me on another thread a long time ago...and once you know something...you can't un-know it.)

In time, I hope that you will come to see this (as I have) as a way of taking back your own power and no longer having to spend so much time and energy all wrapped up and enmeshed trying to get something from someone that you're never going to get.

In time, (through all the pain and loss and disappointment and grieving) it turns out to eventually be quite liberating........

March 16, 2010
1:05 pm
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PreciousG
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((((Gettnthere))))

No, you are not wrong for being upset. Infact, it is quite a normal reaction.

Oh, and you are under no obligation to help your mother. The only obligation that you have is to yourself and your child.

I wish you all the best.

PreciousG

March 16, 2010
2:46 pm
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through_the_fire
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PreciousG said it exactly right.

If you didn't see what you do and feel
what you do, it wouldn't be a good thing. That you do, means you can protect yourself and your child.

Fire

March 17, 2010
10:26 am
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gettnthere
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Thank you all for your words of advice and support. I just want to move on from all of this. Just when I feel like I am making headway - boom. My reactions have been a bit delayed as well. I have been supporting her and her shock and surprise that she has been married to a monster for all of these years, but frankly I get a bit sick of being the one to offer support. I did say to her today that there were bigger issues here than a divorce settlement - ie child sexual abuse. This guy was cruel as well. It is barely discussed. What is discussed is my mothers devestation at eventually realising 30 years on that she was not married to Prince Charming and that she was not going to have the dream life. Hello! Throughout my child hood she was aware that abuse took place - not the sexuall abuse but the rest of it yes. The cruelty. And nothing was done. Eyes were closed. In fact I was blamed y her for it and to a dgeree still am. I was the cause and the reason. I was the reason that I was abused. Apparently I was a master manipulator as an infant and managed to control and casue it all. I was actually raised being told this by her and her husband. And now I think about it, only them. Not anyone else in the extended family. WHen I was a small child I was told that I was the reason that my mothers boyfriend behaved the way he did. I remember being hit and beaten very heavily, very regularly. I remember being told that I was the reason for sacrifice and difficulty. I was the garbage. I was nothing. But then I was interesting to muse over sexually. I fucken hated my life and tried to end it a couple of times. And apparently I am STILL the cause for all of the problems. Its my flaws that have created the reactions and my mothers suffering. She knew that she was married to a pig and that by confronting him about abusing me as a kid would provoke him into an attack on her. this is what she says she has always been afraid of. She has always been afraid if the crap she is dealing with now and is saying to me, "this is what I was afraid of - this is why I didn't want to say or do anything".
It just would be nice for her to to turn around and say, "you bastard! How dare you treat my daughter and I like this! You will pay." Instead of cowering in the corner and asking me to keep on taking the hits. She asks every day for some support or another regarding her needs, her feelings; I just have had enough. But I have literally no other family besides her (besides a beautiful husband and a beautiful child); I just feel so isolated/alone. Feel quite desperate sometimes and so very sad often. I am wanting something from my mother that is just not going to happen. My head tells me this but my heart ain't listening.
For some reason I DO feel obligated to help her. And knowing that I am basically being crapped on again makes me feel worse because I feel like a complete idiot who should know better. Its like I keep going back for more. I see no potential at teh moment for liberation; just more of same.
I am so sorry to whinge but really, I am so very grateful for you guys posting your advice. I will really try to give it more thought. I need to deal with this BS. I just feel like sometimes I am drowning.

March 18, 2010
11:14 am
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truthBtold
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((((gettnthere))))

(((Throwing you a big ole cyber life-raft to hang on to during these rough waters)))))

You said: "For some reason I DO feel obligated to help her."

That's the crux of it all, IMO.

You feel obligated to help her - Says Who?

Society? One of the fricking 10 'Commandments" to 'honor thy father and mother?' Where is it written to honor thy children?

Oh yeah, this kind of crap is deeply ingrained alright, I have struggled LONG & HARD with this one myself.

Excessive obligation. Excessive loyalty. Excessive sense of responsibility.

I tell you, its all bullshit!

Are you familiar with any of the books by Susan Forward?

There is one entitled: "Toxic Parents" and another one: "Emotional Blackmail - When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt (aka FOG) to Manipulate You."

Gosh, I was so brainwashed that when I first purchased the Toxic Parent one many, many years ago and was standing in line waiting to pay for it....I heard my mom's voice..."What are you buying THAT for? yada, yada, yada..." Do you know that I had to actually turn my head and look over my shoulder to kind of like, make sure that she wasn't there? Kind of weird, I know..., but that's what happened.

Anyway, there used to be a very wise poster here in the past named Ladeska. She said something that I will never, ever forget. She said....."THEY try to make YOU WEAR who THEY ARE!"

That's the bottom line, I think.

Hang in there sweets. Your sense of excessive obligation and loyalty and responsibility is clearly displaced towards your mother when in fact, it should be clearly placed towards yourself instead.

You'll get there.....you are already well on your way there now, even though it probably doesn't much feel like that right now........

And one last thing.....there is not one thing wrong in placing blame where blame is due and where it rightfully belongs......FULLY and SQUARELY on THEIR shoulders----NOT YOURS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

March 18, 2010
7:02 pm
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gettnthere
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Thank you so much-so very true. I had a bit of a meltdown last night and have ended up in hospital. Have just had a visit from a psych nurse who was so very helpful. They say I am in crisis. Which is what it feels like.

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