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Motherhood, sucks
December 14, 2000
7:30 pm
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Molly
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December 14, 2000
7:59 pm
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Molly
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That was as wierd as motherhood. Ok, so like if you read the other posts, you have a clue as to what I have been going through. I was left for 2 hours on 11/18 by my daughters, and told that they thought I was mentally ill, bi polar, and that I had been drunk and attacked my eldest and that they were afraide to come into the house, their's at that. I had agreed to and looked foreward to counseling with them and have been waiting for the response.
I have called several times over the last month, left messages on the answering machine, I sent a 5 page letter, mostly co-signing the what ever is wrong,I am here and willing, and left it open to the fact that I love them, and duh, never intended evil. No response.
I caught the youngest yesterday on the phone, and said so like why no phone callls, she needed space to heal, then when I mentioned the being drunk, no answer, the attack turned to verbal, and the afraide turned to avoidance, and get this, now it is borderline personality disorder, like bi polar no argument, see women and depression! She stated that she had new wisdom with regard to the way that they were raised, and could now form an opinion about me, that they were not allowed to do before, what I asked?, I suggested that they were right on track and that it would change when 30,40, and 50. But the fact remains that I have a problem, according to them. I said yes to everything, despite my pride and was still wrong and wreaking frustration, with in her, she even was yelling and cussing. I would like to hear from other mom's, I personally always wanted my mom to reach out, and have tried to do so with no success. I am feeling like a door mat, and am uncomfortable, with go have a great life with out this pain causing person with a problem in it. I explained, that I am me, on the path, constantly changing, and trying to grow, perhaps they just don't like me, and that is ok, and that the problem appears to be my personality, since it has history, I swear I couldn't say the right thing if my life was hanging by the edge. I am getting angry, and have taken a stand that they wouldn't be who they are if I was so crazy, but they say I was ok, then not ok, so I suggested that they were ungrateful, spoiled, and have forgotten what they did get, far less a decent return phone call to let me know that they were ok, I would like to hear from other mothers, and the stuff they are going through, I still say this is late adolscents, and that all daughters, find fault in mothers, or am I crazy? I do feel better with the story changing, and their hiding, or healing,they are so spoiled, and nieve, and growing into their mother, shush don't tell them that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

December 14, 2000
8:16 pm
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gingerleigh
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Molly, are you all right? I usualy read your posts very thoroughly and have always been very impressed with how clearly you write and how patient you are with others. This post does not sound like Molly.

I'm so sorry you are upset. I wish that I could offer some comfort. Write more if you can, it might be helpful to you, and someone else might be able to offer better words of wisdom than I.

GL

December 14, 2000
9:33 pm
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love peace and harmony....
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i guess it just takes a bit of time for everything to cool down.. people are never themselves when they are at their most angriest point.. everyone is a victim of anger.. and their own anger as well.. i suggest molly should take a short break and step away from everything.. relax herself in a nice little coffee shop, or a nice little garden.. until her anger subsides.. and from then on. she can slowly think things through, and work things out.. you are always a winner if you are calm and composed.. you can out wit just about anyone!.. but when you are angry.. your decisions are usually based on your anger alone..

December 15, 2000
4:06 pm
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eve
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Molly, I'm not a mother, but I feel for you. Can't you just leave it/them ablone for a while? They don't seem willing to give you anything except a hard time for the moment. And you don't seem to get your good intentions through to them.

Just let some distance come between all this nasty meetings and phone calls and things. You being their mom I guess they can very well live their own lifes for a while. And you could protect yourself from further 'wounds' just by cutting contact and refusing to expect anything from your daughters.

By the way, my Feldenkrais-Gym trainer said that #the only thing that parents really can expect from their children is a proper burial#. This might sound frustrated, but she isn't. Her reasoning was that whith everything else - you're much better off if you don't expect anything.
Take care, Eve

December 15, 2000
4:23 pm
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janes
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Molly.....number one will you stop being a door mat for them. Even if you are crazy...they don't have to fix you.

I know you "love" them...but until they are a bit more mature I sure wouldn't want to go to any counselor chosen by them....they just seem to vindictive .

AHHHHHHH - the wisdom of the young. It is so easy to see the branch in someone else's eye while ignoring the tree in our own.

You have good reasont o be ticked off at them. Especially when you allowed yourself to be belittled by them and then they don't follow through on what they say YOU need to do...

I agree with Eve...You gave your girls the best gift you could...a life. You sincerely raised them the best you knew how...What they do with the gift and the lessons is their business. If you warped them it is their job to get unwarped. It certainly doesn't sound like you abused them...

Molly--Find your own life. Yes we look forward to having that family thing with our kids. But the kids have to be ready to do their share. I spent years away from home...then moved back to help elderly parents.

You are a grown up and so are they now....they need to start acting like it.

December 16, 2000
2:02 pm
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Molly
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Good Morning, and thank you all for your support, and advice. Believe it or not , that is exactly the place I have been since the post, great to have a place to vent, not cause harm, and get support, be heard, and some understanding.
I obtained a book that they recomended, and remembered some of the first books that I had read in school. Suddenly you start to feel like ah ha with every turn of the page. Well I do believe that is what is happening to them. Yes I was angry when I hung up and ran to post, vented and moved on. I had a wonderful evening decorating the tree with my spouses children and grandchildren and it was not the fantasy with my bio offspring, but I was greatful for the gift of family, and their appreciation. Yes, Janes, I got it that the ole, door mat behavior had kicked it, and put the brakes on, that was part of the heated conversation, that of course, foolish me stuck in the dance couldn't see. Relapse. I also remembered one of those sayings that the more you try to prove your are sane the more insane you appear to be, and perhaps in there lies my frustration, and failed attempts. I have been hard on my self, which is nothing unusual, and have finally accepted in my heart that it is ok, and they are ok, and it will be ok, and I am ok. I am even able to laugh about it now. To be honost with the exception of my interactions with them, the rest of life has been extreamly gratifing. The focus is on me now, what I want what I am willing to have in my life, and what I need to get done to get where I want to be. Thank you again, I am much better now.

December 19, 2000
11:29 am
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janes
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Glad to hear that you are feeling better.

Sometimes I feel like such a divided person....trying to raise my four and also caring for elderly parents and getting a husband through college (one more class--he better not drop it again)

Snow day today...they are saying 6 MORE inches here. No teaching today.

Have a good one.

Nice to hear you smile Molly.

December 19, 2000
6:24 pm
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Molly
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Don't mean to rub it in, but its hot outside, hardly ever seems like the holidays, when its this warm. Been reading the book, gosh we should all be wearing straight jackets, and on lithium according to the diagnosis. So when I talk to them today, I am not sure what to say according to the book I am screwed no matter what my response, so bring on the white coats and drugs, as long as where they take me has an herbal sauna, yoga classes, massages, and is on the beach, other wise this is who I am and what you get.
4 children, God Bless you, locked up in the house? You have my prayers. You know I think that was part of the tail spin a couple of years ago, one daughter in her second year of college, the other graduating, and care taking of the mom, seperation from the hubby then ... nothing foolish me I admitted an identity crisis, that is in the diagnosis, opps I should have explained it was temporary, I got over it real quick. Thanks for your support, and I am still smiling.

December 20, 2000
7:48 am
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janes
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It wasn't to bad...the kid slept in, so did hubby. Dad and Mom left early for DR. &were gone most of the day.

In p.m. they all worked on the tractor (hubby/kids) and shoveled snow.

all in all a quiet day.

Identity crisis? hmmm. I'll stick with severely codependent and work on that one for awhile.

White coats and drugs? when they get you to the beach send them after me. If we each take three good novels we will be set for a little while anyway.

take care

December 20, 2000
6:58 pm
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Molly
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That was the beauty of it all, no one to be co-dependent with, except my very co-dependent dog. I celebrated the solitude, and think too, that my response to their needs went unmet for the first time in years. I didn't jump in the car and drive 250 miles to lick the wounds, I didn't have a check to write to pay their immediate financial crisis, and basically left all to figure it out on their own. I guess they are comming out of shock slowly, and who better to blame for their confusion. I didn't want to call them on their integrity again, but a financial aid package came in the mail for the youngest and gave me a chance to call. She is the one who flaked out on the therapy, and thought she was in her right to ignore me for a month. I left a message on her machine, stating that the package arrived in the mail, and sorry that we missed our telephone appointment ( that she insisted on making) that I had gone blind reading the book in three days, to have our discussion on my problem. She returned the call in less than 3 minuets, apologizing she was running errands. Small talk for the first few minuets, then I brought up the book, I said according to the book, I am pegged no matter what I say, and that I am sorry that she identifys with the book so much and that she should seek treatment immediately. She was stunned. What about you she fineally responded, I said that is my responsibility. for each respones I gave her chapter and page, and told her to re read the book that she so definately identifys with. Again stunned, she said what did my spouse have to say? He said it was a pile of crap just like all the books I put in front of him. Oh, really ? yea I said, and since there has been so much damage, if you need space and time I understand, I did the best I could yada yada yada, yea you did do that, and this, but what about inbetween, I said, sorry for my humanness, I am learning, I agreed with her on most of what she said putting it back on her shoulders, and said you are in the middle, and got caught up in something that I don't think is your agenda, you don't need to co-sign your sis, or me, just get help for your self, and I love you. My spouse heard most of the conversation, and stated bravo. I told her that my life was working with the exception of their issues with me, and that we all get along, and I don't need stuff going on for Christmas, and if they are going to have agendas when they arrive don't come. That I guess surprised her, and will bring home baked cookieswith her when she arrives, . So life goes on. Another hot day, how lucky you are to have a tractor, and snow, what state are you in, or is it Canada, time will be short, so just in case, have a good holiday, and God bless.

December 20, 2000
8:43 pm
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janes
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...Michigan...so we treat Canadian change just like our own...sorta weird.

Good for you Molly. How brave. Wish you were next door or dow the street so I could be a client.

I jsut found out there is a CODA group in my little tiny town!!! Amazing. Now the guts to go.

I am so proud of you and the phone call. what guts.

You go girl.!!

Where are you?

December 21, 2000
7:49 pm
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Molly
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I live in an area between Los Angeles, and Palm Springs. It was once a rural farm area which has built up since 1986 into identical tile roofs, and green belts, with a Target, or 7-11 on every corner. I despise it. But for a town, in close location to the mountains, to the beach, to LA, and 4 hours to Las Vegas, if you would want to go, it is some what centrally located. when I moved here in 86 I was trying to escape the city,but the city spread. I so hunger for a small town by the beach, that is where I moved when I escaped. Thus my current goal. Guts hell, I got tired of butt slurp, bruised knees, and a bleeding heart. I met with a good friend of mine, she is a Dr. and specializes in incest trauma, we were discussing maternal guilt, while having a wonderful lunch on the patio. Its so warm during the day still, so un Christmas like. We agreed that it is so impossible well hard to do the right thing as a mother, and the guilt is always tugging, I am thinking of starting a group! I simply must get away from the clinic where I am at,but want to continue with helping, its going to be hard to cut the ties, but... #1 the drive, you can't imagine the traffic at 4:30 in the morning, and it over the years keeps getting worse, #2 the income, I so truly believe in using what gifts you have to help mankind, but like Oprah, I think I will be much more effective when my immediate needs are met.#3 the depression in the office, with the staff, and the clients are overwhelming!!!!!#4the hours, I can't stay up with the grown ups, cant do a darn thing during the week, hate getting up at 3:30 every morning. Its scary with the economy, but what the heck, if I don't believe in me who else will? I have had a real estate license for 14 years, and haven't used it in town for a while, sold beach front property during the escape and got alot of good energy from it, so I think I will give notice, that the temporary help is over, and hang my license some where, and start a few groups, while I rewrite my book.
Going to a CODA group will be fun for a while, and you will get out of the house, meet some people, and learn a few things, but beware. Keep balance, my sis got real involved, for several years, then flat out got tired of the phone calls from folk that wanted to be rescued. I am not trying to taint your objective approach, but just like all the meetings, how much complaining can you handle? Go and learn, meet some folk, then go sign up for a yoga class, or art class, or grow some herbs, sounds like you have the land. Michigan sounds like a foreign country, what part of California is that in? He he , Pray for me on Christmas eve, I shared with a coworker, just how the heck will I get through it with out acting out, she said , damn, that is what I like about you, your just so honest. Well its the truth. But I guess, I will try my hand at acting, and let you know if I get an award, or a tomatoe in my face. I am so looking foreward to the new year, new starts, new attitude, new committments, new hope.Maybe one of these days we should start saving all our money and treat ourselves to a trip and meet??????? Thanks for your words, and go to the meeting, walk on the wild side.

December 21, 2000
7:58 pm
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MikesMom
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Hey everyone. Glad you're feeling better Molly. Frankly, you always seem to have it all together, so in a strange way it was nice to know we all have our "Child" problems. It sounds like you did the right thing. I'm jealous of you saying it's hot where you are. It is absolutely freezing here, I'm in Minnesota and Janes, are you in upper or lower Michigan. I've lived in the U.P. and they sure get dumped with the snow there. I hope we all have good, peaceful Christmases despite all the family crap we go through.

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