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Mother to Mother to Son Advice - Any Advice Welcome
March 4, 2004
2:10 am
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Zinnie
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Hi All,

I have a question and would appreciate any opinions you might have.

My oldest son dated a girl for five years. Actually a little closer to six. He asked her to marry him about three years ago, and she turned him down - told him she wanted "more out life than being married to someone who had talent but did not want to be a star." When he was offered a contract in Europe, she decided she wanted to go with him. So, off they went. While there, she met someone else and left him.

He was heart broken, but moved on - kept on working. He eventually met a fellow musician who had a daughter a few years younger than my son and the two seemed to hit it off. Actually, the only thing he said was that he had met a young lady and she was showing him around Amsterdam. When our daughter was killed in November, 2002 he returned to Montreal with this new young lady in tow. He rented a small place, and she moved in with him, and he said that they were planning on getting married. When our middle daughter was attacked and put in the hospital, he and this young lady showed up with matching wedding bands - they had married quietly in a civil ceremony. They celebrated their first anniversary and the birth of thier twin children on 2/14. She is a sweetheart, and the devotion she has for him and he for her is apparent.

Well - this last weekend, the ex-girlfriend knowing he was back living in the U.S., showed up at our cottage in upstate NY - where he has lived off and on over the years. The alarm company and police called me (I'm in TX), and told me I had an intruder. After several phone calls she finally got through to us, and she was looking for my son, she wants him back and now realizes she made a mistake. So, I tell her he is now married, etc. She is hysterical on the phone, with no money. So I tell her she can stay the night at the cottage. She calls me the next day and says that her family cannot wire her money until Monday, can she stay there until then? I'm sick, I don't feel good, etc. So, against my better judgement I tell her O.K. But, she has to be out by Monday when the constable and the lock smith show up to make sure she is out, my house is not trashed and change the locks.

I talked to my son, told him of all this. He let out this huge sigh and said "if I had married her my life would have been a living hell - every day with her was constant drama - and I'm so happy now, I cannot think of living any other way."

Well, she through mutual friends, got his phone number. She called him today and tells him what a mistake she has made, they were together for such a long time, she cannot believe that within a year and a half he was now married with kids - when after all THEY were the perfect couple - she realizes that now. O.K. here comes the doozie - she tells him she is now down on her luck, totally broke. She wants to know if he still has the engagement ring he had bought for her? He tells her yes. She feels it's hers, for her "time" she gave him. Now, she never accepted the ring before. He has the ring, it's in a safety deposit box. When he and his wife married, they just had bands. When they married again in the Church, her Father gave her a ring that had belonged to her Mother which she wears with her wedding band.

I asked him what he had planned on doing with that ring. He said truthfully, he thought he would trade it in for something for his wife for Mother's Day. Three years ago, he paid $7,500.00 for it. He talked to his wife about it, she said "give it to her - you gave me these babies, that is my gift."

He talked with his natural Mother about this, she is there now helping out with the babies. She said, keep the ring, trade it in or sell it yourself. I think he should do that very thing.

I also told him to change his number, and get in touch with all mutual friends and tell them to please not pass on any information about him to his ex. He said he will do that first thing tomorrow morning. He owes this woman nothing. She left him for someone else. I agree with his Mother, trade the ring in or sell it. Put the money aside for the babies, or do as he originally planned, and get his wife something.

I mean - she turned down his proposal, right?

Zinnie

March 4, 2004
6:24 am
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lewis
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oh my god
do people like that really exist!
some people have no value for any other person - your son should not give her the ring - she has to be the biggest user ever!

i'm glad he escaped from her drama

: )

March 4, 2004
7:25 am
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deehmah
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Zinnie, your son never gave her the ring so it never belonged to her. Never has, never will. She sounds like my granddaughters mother. Total drama queen with an attitude of entitlement. Where do these girls get that from? There are deeper issues with this girl but it's not your son's responsibility to figure them out or try to fix them. Tell him to do whatever he needs to do to cut her from his life or she will continue until she creates conflict between him and his wife. Which is probably her ultimate goal. Good luck.
dee

March 4, 2004
8:45 am
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tooscared
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She turned him down so the ring was never hers in the first place. It might be different if she had said yes and worn it for a while and then gave it back when they broke up. But to say no and go off with someone else completely does away with any "right" or whatever she would have concerning the engagement ring. I pray that your son will quit being hassled by this woman and be firm with her. Tell her under no circumstances does the ring or the money belong to her. His money bought it and it is his property to do with as he pleases. I think buying his sweet wife something sounds like a wonderful idea!

March 4, 2004
9:23 am
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Zinnie
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Thank you all... I know My husband, his Mother and I, were all like "she said WHAT?" This girl is a case. He dated her for what seemed to all of us like a very short time and then she just kind of "clung" - well as the years went by, we figured out why. Looking back now, I think he felt sorry for her, then mired by her - and took it for love.

She left him, and was not pleasant about it either. It was a birthday dinner for someone she met, and he had to work. He could'nt go. He went back to the place they were renting, she was not home - which he didn't expect her to be, because she had already said she was going to this dinner - so he goes to bed. He said she is flinging stuff all over the flat at 3:00 a.m. about what a bastard he was, and she had met the man of her dreams, etc. Oh, everything was high drama.

A few months later when I would talk to him, he had been here or there with this young lady - that he is now married to. She is a delight. He brought her to Montreal when his sister died. She didn't say much, very quiet - but it was such a sad occasion. She helped out with my grand-daughter, picked up afer people, just was kind of there. Then when Lisa was in the hospital and we were all up there, she would make sure we had food, get us clean clothes, anything she could do to help. She is the most quietly efficient person I have ever met. Then one day my son and her show up with wedding bands on.

He has been so happy for the last year, even with everything else we have had going on, this young lady has brought him peace and happiness. She loves him. Not because he can or will give her anything, just because she does.

He is having his phone number changed today - and I'm hoping we will be rid of her. I'm glad he and his wife have talked about it, to me that shows the security in their relationship. He said she did not seem upset, she knows he loves here and home is where he is staying.

Z.

March 4, 2004
10:27 am
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Zinnie
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Checking my e-mail - this is what she sent to my son last night and his reply.

Her e-mail to him:

I can't believe that you blocked my email address and now I to set up another one. How YOU feel if I had done that to you? I'm glad you think you are so much bettern than me and that you would never make a mistake. that was all I did I just made a mistake. o.k. so the child you married and I saw your wedding picture at Joans house gave you a couple of babys so you think you have to stay married to her. How can you love her so fast when you told me that you loved me and we were together for so long? What did you do give your wife the ring that was supposed to be mine? Is that why she married you? You know that belongs to me for all the headaches of living with you You never worked normal hours so we could go do normal things. You never wanted to go party like we should have we are young but you like being old and married with some kids. I hope they are ugly like that girl you married. I'm calling a lawyer about that ring cuz it belongs to ME. You are the biggest asshole I have ever met and i hope this girl you married takes all of your money and your family money to.

My sons reply:

H,

I am sorry that you feel that the six years of my life to you were a waste of time. They were not that for me, but they have sure been a learning experience.

Regarding the ring, my WIFE actually told me to give it to you. Do you know why? Because she is loving and a good person who is happy being married to me for me, not for what I can or will provide her with.

You insult not only me, but now my wife and children and you really think I would just now send something of monetary value to you? You have stooped to an all time low. You left me. You turned me down. You moved out. Look at yourself Holly to see what is wrong with your life. I tried for too long to help you see what a good person you could be, you walked out Holly not me. At one point I loved you with all of my heart or at that is what I thought at the time. Now being in love it is an emotion I have never felt before because the person I love loves me back.

Your threats mean nothing to me this time. Please, call a lawyer. I look forward to it. Remember, I not only have a Father who is an attorney I have the money to fight you. The first thing I will do is turn this e-mail which is harrassing over to the police. I'm blocking this e-mail, and I will not open any from anyone I do not know. Leave me, my wife and my children alone.

Believe it or not I wish you nothing but peace and happiness in your life Holly. I hope that at some point you will find it.

**************************

I hope she knows he means business.

March 4, 2004
6:38 pm
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Zinnie
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SC -

Please remove this thread - there is too much information that I should have heeded warning before posting.

Thank you,

Zinnie

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