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Mother accusing me of "elder abuse" because i set boundaries with her
May 25, 2004
5:44 pm
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phoenicia
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My mother just sent me another e mail accusing me of elder abuse because i refuse to allow her in my life or around my children.
She has seen my kids maybe five times in the past eight years ( her choice ) and during those times she ignored them or berated them for being kids ( the way she used to with me )
I realised after years of neglect, abuse and bullshit with her, that she is a very cruel, selfish individual who derives satisfaction from causing trouble or hurting others, namely me, my husband and kids.
We all want rid of her. she was planning on marrying another man off the internet and travelling to the middle east when i said to her, in my kind way, i will give you the a family, we will take care of you. I was temporarily insane, but i had a strong feeling that she was going to end up killed and i have compassion for others, codependent compassion maybe, but compassion nevertheless.
She then said she would sell her home and come here to be close to us. I said, sure, thats better than looking for love on the internet and being continually dumped or used by these guys. I felt sorry for her.
WEll, she then went into her demands, she demanded we put up with her for three mos while she was in transition between selling and buying, i said that was a bit long and could she promise she would not cause me any stress with her usual "bizarre behaviors " such as expecting everyone to go to bed at seven pm and up at five pm like her schedule allowed, cook the foods she liked, or to drive her around shopping when i had work to do, or basically to wrap our lives around hers. This is what she expects when she visits and she gets really nasty if we dont do it. She also refuses to baby sit unless she gets paid or taken out to dinner or something. I said , screw this, she used to charge me to baby sit my first child while i was going to university, im sure as hell not gonna put up with tha tin my adult years. My husband hates her and my kids thinks shes a witch in disguise, seriously.
So, i just casually mentioned this in our conversation and she flipped.
She said, oh, turning your back on your old mother during her time of great need huh.

she also accused me of being a cold hearted bitch for now allowing her son, my brother to stay here during xmas because he has aids, hep c and god knows what else. I said i would pay to put him up, but no that wasnt good enough, she insisted that he stay here in this small house and he is just plain dirty ( he used to live on thestreet ) and careless with tooth brushes and cleaning up after he goes to the bathroom etc. I refused to allow him to stay here and she has accused me of causing his illness and alienating him. I have phone dhim often and sent him presents and letters but he never phones me.
She never sends me letters or presents like i do for her, but she has been sending me these horribly abusive letter for the past two weeks after i questioned her staying here for thre emonths.
She says i am an evil daughter who has been abusing her for 20 plus years and i have alienated her from HER grand children and i am obscene etc. You name it, she has put it in those letters, all the stuff she used to say to me as a child, she hasnt changed at all, in fact i believe she has gotten worse in her old age.
Well, i dont think any one will believe that SHE is the instigator here, what if they believe her shit, elder abuse my ass.
I cant believe shes gone there, shes willing to try to charge me with a "criminal charge" well im willing to charge her with criminal harassment and stalking if this goes on.
She is demanding that i answer her immediately and allow her to see my children or she will "charge": me with elder abuse.
Im so sick to my stomach i feel like vomiting, i cant believe this woman. My husband told me all along that i should have shut her down years ago, he couldnt believe i allowed her some involvment in our lives at all, he believes she is seriously disturbed. I have known this all my life at some level, but like a sweet little codependent, i believed she would change with love.
bullshit
Shes as mean as they get and the last thing i would want is her having access to my beautiful babes. They are afraid of her.
She is outright mean. I will not allow her to do to them what she did to me and my siblings.
She put my head through a plate glass window when i was thirteen and threw me out when i was sixteen.
What should i do?
HELP!

May 25, 2004
6:40 pm
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gingerleigh
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You want validation? You got it. She is not a healthy influence to have around your kids or yourself for that matter. What "should" you do? Say no and mean it. Stick by it. What good is setting boundaries if you're going to let her manipulate her way past them? I'm no legal expert, but I would be shocked if she could press charges for "elder abuse" simply because you won't see her. It would be different if you were witholding her medication or beating her or not allowing her to leave her own home. But it sounds like you just want to be done with with her. There's not legal recourse she can take there.

Bond with the family you have created and draw strength from it. You can't choose your family as a child, but you can choose how much you will stay involved or a part of it as an adult. That is your right, and she cannot take that away from you, only if you let her. The power of decision is yours.

May 25, 2004
7:24 pm
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spacegirl10000
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I would say this is not elder abuse.
I was watching Dr. Phil today and he was talking to a gentleman who was talking about his Mom who has passed away. She abused him and in her dying words said she wished he was not there. Well after that he said I didn't choose this I was just a child. That's right we don't choose our famlies. Like Gingerleigh says how much we stay involved in their lives. Don't let her move in she may never leave. spacegirl1

May 25, 2004
7:50 pm
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Sam7
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It's her choice to be a miserable bitch. It's not your fault. Don't make your whole family miserable to make her happy, cause you're never going to succeed. Atleast your family should have some joy in life. Her choice to meet men on the internet too. You aren't responsible for her. You are responsible for you, your marriage and your kids. Focus on those. Change your number and block hers. Good riddance to bad rubbish!
And don't feel bad! Good luck!

May 26, 2004
12:12 am
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Wanttobewell
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I wholeheartedly agree!!! She really may not leave,,,,then what? You've not abused this woman in any way. She sounds a bit "off" if you know what I mean. I hope that doesn't offend you. She is trying to manipulate you. Also, anybody who would marry someone from the internet and then go live in the middle east with them obviously has no clue about anything. Sounds like a made for TV movie plot. Your brother has communicable diseases, and he isn't clean. I don't blame you one bit for not letting him in. He's certainly not your responsbility.

It sounds as if you have a lovely family, and you're right, you don't want to subject your children to her abuse. Go to bed at 7 a.m.? And then gets mad if everyone doesn't do the same? Strange.

I would block her completely out. What she's done to you is sick. Let her charge you with anything she wishes. She'll just end up looking like an idiot. Sounds to me as if it wouldn't hurt to have her committed during her "transition period."

She put your head through a plate glass window when you were 13 and put you out when you were 16 and still HER responsibility. You owe this manipulative, awful person absolutely nothing, even if she is your mother. Don't let her lay a guilt trip on you. You are obviously a very caring and compassionate person, as most of us here are,,even if it hurts us.

I'm so sorry she is trying to pull this crap on you. Enjoy YOUR family and block her out. Have her charged with stalking if you must. W.

May 26, 2004
1:55 am
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phoenicia
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Thank you so much guys, thank you, thank you, thank you...i cant say it enough.
Its really sick but ive allowed this horrible person to continue to crap on me my whole life just because i forgave her. When i "forgave" her, she chose to hurt me some more. You know when i finally brought my first home, she told me i didnt deserve it. When i had my children, she wasnt there and when they were sick and i called for her to help me when one of my children almost died she told me to get a nurse, that she wouldnt be any good. She also hung up on me when i was temporarily disabled when i begged for her to help me look after my children AND i let this woman back because i felt sorry for her. I have always tried to be a caring, spiritual person and tried to love and forgive those who have trespassed against me, but for some people that is just giving them licence to continue their destruction. It must sound really bizarre, but i am only NOW coming to the realization that this woman, my mother, never really did love me at all. She has only called me when she needed something, and i allowed her in even though my husband told me she was bad news.
She acts like a five year old at times. She never tips when we go out to eat and leaves that up to me and complains about everything, i mean everything. She has no friends and ends up in fights when she goes out. A japanese restaurant had her removed because she became verbally abusive when the waiter told her that there was a obligatory gratuity of 15% but she refused to pay it.
Shes just the meanest, nastiest person and i have always been ashamed of her behavior.
She has never sent presents or cards although i have never forgotten hers.
She has no care or consideration for my children but now that she knows im done for her she is trying to use them as pawns.
I seriously think she should have her head examined, her behavior is very strange, always has been. Shes a liar and her mouth is her weapon.
I think i need to really finish up this unfinished business and have her charged once i have enough paper work on her.
Im an idealist, i thought that this woman would grow nicer with age, but she hasnt, shes become nastier.
She locked me out of my own home when i was 12 and threw me out at sixteen where i was subsequently raped and had no food or money. I had to put myself through highschool while i was n.f.a and looking for work.
What was i thinking to even allow this woman back in my life???
I havent even told you five percent of the shit shes done to me and my kids.
Because of this boundary breaking, soul stomping mother of mine i have had subsequent relationships and situations with people who were just like her. Walked all over me, used me, abused me and shit on me. AND ive allowed them to stay, then i found the strength to leave, then each relationship became less and less painful as i became stronger and more empowered.
This last situation with the hell bitch, was where i put my foot down with her finally and told her i would not have anything to do with her any more or speak with her without a licenced therapist as a mediator, now i wont even do that.
Your comments and responses have meant the world to me, very much, you have no idea.
I thank you all from the bottom of my heart and bless you all in your own lives. May you too find the guidance and strength you need to free yourselves.

May 26, 2004
4:31 pm
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spacegirl10000
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Hi Phoenicia: Our Mother's are a lot a like but my Mom never kicked me out because she worked full time and I was the babysitter and housekeeper while she was there. My Mom and I had it out in March but I have seen her once about a week ago and still want distance. She called everyday since then and I put a stop to it. Nothing has changed or will change, but I love my Mom, I don't like what she does to me. I hope you keep your boundries up and if it bothers her she will stay away. Good luck. spacegirl

May 27, 2004
3:04 pm
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phoenicia
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She is used to control and its eating her up that she doesnt have that power over me any more.
She is calling my husbands cell, endless emails, you name it. It sickens me. I dont feel as if i love her at all. I have no respect for her and she has been a major antagonist in my life, she really has tried to smack me down when im on top, what kind of love is that?

Nothing that i want in my life.

Love is in the actions of another, you feel loved by his or her actions.

For xmas she brought me a second hand fruit bowl, for xmas i brought her a beautiful hard cover art book, a dress, hundred and twenty dollar perfume, lovely card..etc. She complained about the perfume and snuffed at the book.

She is the meanest person i know, well second meanest.

First being my ex.

I also realise that i painted myself into the exact same scenario with men as i had with my mother.

A loveless, controlling, boundary violating relationship that left me feeling sick, crazy and alone.

Ive been healing and growing tremendously over the past ten years and this last scenario with my mother seems to bringing up a lot of emotional stuff with me.

I am realising just how in denial i have been about her. Even now, in my thirties. Im this little girl in an adult body at times, just twisting myself into a pretzel to get my mom to love me...

Ive been doing the same thing with the men in my life..

I just gave that all up when i decided my soul was screaming for me to stop it, i did, i have almost completely stopped this violation of my own self..

I dont twist myself into a pretzel for anyone, i dont blame myself for anything that is THEIR responsibility, i dont lose my credit for anyone, i dont lose my savings for anyone, i dont put my goals and aspirations on hold for anyone, i dont revolve myself around anyone (except my children and even with my children, i am still a whole person and mom )

I dont live my life through anyone..

I dont expect anyone else to take care of my needs or desires, either..

and the story continues..

May 27, 2004
3:34 pm
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Wanttobewell
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Hi phoenicia,

I'm so glad that you made the decision to keep her out of your life. You deserve the very best, as all of us here do. I believe abusive people really don't like to lose the ones they've been able to load their crap onto. That's probably the reason she's frantically calling, e-mailing, etc. I say just let her hang herself and get a restraining order and block her messages. Let her find somebody else to be mean to. It sounds like she manages to be a real sweetie wherever she goes!!! Right!!! I really admire your strength and resolve. Not to twist myself into a pretzel for others is the very thing I'm struggling with at this time, and I'm working on it very hard. You're an inspiration!!!

Enjoy your beautiful family. You've been through enough with this mean woman. You're right she is just plain mean, and that's it. There are people who are just mean, and there's not one thing we can do about it except stay away from them.

I just love to see people stand up for themselves. I'm really working on that myself. Good for you. W.

May 27, 2004
8:07 pm
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phoenicia
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thats lovely to hear that im an inspiration:)) Im all warm and glowy inside.
I have to say im proud of myself, and i dont say that to myself often at all, even though i do have a lot to be proud of ..
Its funny how we internalize such critics, these voices we have heard from our childhood or past, these negative voices, we berate ourselves worse than anyone, i think.
Thank god i dont do that much any more.

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