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More on being in love with the wrong man ..
June 7, 2007
12:01 pm
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bmom74
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I posted to this site last week for the first time. I am relatively new to this as I am 54 years old and just discovering I am codependent. I am just starting therapy so not much progress made there yet obviously and I am having a very bad day. I told you last week about the guy who lives with me. We have been roommates for over a year and sometimes friends with benefits. Up until a few days ago, he had not paid rent at all because he had been out of work and trying to get back on his feet. I have been so in love with him that I guess I tried to believe he was not taking advantage of me even though my friends have repeatedly told me he was. We have had severe ups and downs and terrible arguments over the past year. I think it stems mostly from me trying to do everything to please him and make him love me ... you know how us co-dependents operate. Even though I have a successful career and am told by people how pretty I am,yada, yada, I have constantly asked myself if I were prettier or made more money, would he finally love me?? As you might guess, at times I have thought he did love me. I guess I searched for that and grabbed on to anything that made me believe he might. He does care about me but not in the way I want him to. He had been incarcerated for two years prior to coming to live with me. While incarcerated I was the only one who went to see him and wrote him more than anyone. I even sent him money while he was there. I guess I thought all of this would make me "special" to him. However, he never gives me "special" consideration. I am just one of his many friends. This week we had a horrible argument. My daughter currently is involved in a lawsuit against a girl that lives near us. This girl also works close to us. He goes into where thie girl works all the time and is still talking to her even though he knows about the lawsuit with my daughter. We have been like family to him and I am very hurt he even still talks to this girl. He says he is just polite to her but I know it is more than that. She gives him free food and stuff and he says that is why he is nice to her. When I asked him how he could be friends with her and friends with me, he said all of his friends are in the same category. How can that be when he has only known her a few months and I have been basically the only one there for him for the past three years or so??? How can I not be in a special place with him?? I am so devastated I cannot even think straight. He did finally give me money for rent last week but it does not seem to make a difference now. Is my wanting him to think of me as special part of my codependency?? He also tells me I am crazy and that really bothers me. I supposed I do act crazy sometimes. How can I be so successful in other aspects of my life but not when it comes to him??? I probably do act crazy.... I am really hurting today. Am I wrong in expecting him not to talk to this girl?? I really need some good advice. thanks.

June 7, 2007
12:23 pm
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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IF he was considerate - he wouldn't.

IF he cared about you - he'd treat you better.

IF he wanted to be more - he would be.

Your attempts to win him over have netted you nothing to date.

My guess is that you "won" his loyalty by visiting him in jail - in that he realized that you would take care of him no matter what.

And he will continue to take as long as you continue to give.

You DESERVE someone who gives the same in return. And you are NOT crazy for wanting that, expecting that.

And he is only messing with your mind by calling you crazy, trying to blame you...and what it does is makes you scared to lose him, so it keeps you in line...keeps you giving...so you don't fear his abandonment of you.

But he IS abandoning you, day after day...if not physically, he is mentally and emotionally.

I know that it sounds like such a cliche...but what was your family life like? or your earliest relationships? How did you get along with your parents and mainly your dad?

I found for me, as intelligent as I am...my poor choices of men DID come from my relationship with my dad...who taught me to accept what was given to me, no questions asked and be lucky to have it, because nobody will want me anyway.

yeah, ok...so, whenever I get attention, I take that guy into my home and heart and run with it...not taking the time to judge if he's worthy of my time...but more because I was taught not to be picky, cuz I couldn't afford to be. I have sinced learn I HAVE to be picky...and I can't afford NOT to.

So, what was your experiences?

As far as your current situation - yes, it would be respectful if he avoided the other woman. But he isn't going to....maybe it is just for free food...but that shows how he will take advantage of any situation, just for his own benefit and not considering how others will feel.

My guess is he sees that he can easily take advantage of you...and despite your occasional outbursts, you treat him pretty well and what more could he want?

June 7, 2007
12:23 pm
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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IF he was considerate - he wouldn't.

IF he cared about you - he'd treat you better.

IF he wanted to be more - he would be.

Your attempts to win him over have netted you nothing to date.

My guess is that you "won" his loyalty by visiting him in jail - in that he realized that you would take care of him no matter what.

And he will continue to take as long as you continue to give.

You DESERVE someone who gives the same in return. And you are NOT crazy for wanting that, expecting that.

And he is only messing with your mind by calling you crazy, trying to blame you...and what it does is makes you scared to lose him, so it keeps you in line...keeps you giving...so you don't fear his abandonment of you.

But he IS abandoning you, day after day...if not physically, he is mentally and emotionally.

I know that it sounds like such a cliche...but what was your family life like? or your earliest relationships? How did you get along with your parents and mainly your dad?

I found for me, as intelligent as I am...my poor choices of men DID come from my relationship with my dad...who taught me to accept what was given to me, no questions asked and be lucky to have it, because nobody will want me anyway.

yeah, ok...so, whenever I get attention, I take that guy into my home and heart and run with it...not taking the time to judge if he's worthy of my time...but more because I was taught not to be picky, cuz I couldn't afford to be. I have sinced learn I HAVE to be picky...and I can't afford NOT to.

So, what was your experiences?

As far as your current situation - yes, it would be respectful if he avoided the other woman. But he isn't going to....maybe it is just for free food...but that shows how he will take advantage of any situation, just for his own benefit and not considering how others will feel.

My guess is he sees that he can easily take advantage of you...and despite your occasional outbursts, you treat him pretty well and what more could he want?

June 7, 2007
12:23 pm
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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sorry for the hiccup.

June 7, 2007
12:35 pm
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bmom74
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As far as my experiences, I came from a family where my Dad was very quiet and my Mom did pretty much all the raising of the family and taking care of the kids. However, growing up I always knew I was my Dad's favorite. When I look back on it, I am not sure how I knew that but I have been told it all my life. My Mom and I had a very rocky relationship so when things would get bad between she and I, he would step in and take up for me. I would hear them arguing and he would tell her to leave me alone. My Mom had clinical depression so while she ran the family she definitely had her highs and lows. My Dad was pretty depressed his whole life, too. Depression runs on both sides of the family. I have always thought my Dad was pretty adoring even though he did not show it. My Mom was very insecure and always worried she was not pretty enough, we did not have enough money, etc. I always thought I managed to skip those insecurities, but I guess not.

You are right. It does make me feel badly when he says I am crazy so, yes, it does keep me in line because I wonder if I am crazy for being upset for him remaining friends with this girl ... and to say all his friends are in the same category devastates me.

June 7, 2007
12:39 pm
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Anonymous
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Dear Bmom74:

I agree with EVERYTHING that Rising wrote. You are involved with a ABUSER-USER!

He is abusing you emotionally, psychologically and financially!

He will take as long as you keep giving.

Get yourself some help and get him out of your house. You will not be able to heal as long as he is living there.

Read "How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved" by Sandra L. Brown. You will find you man described in this book.

Save YOURSELF, before you lose everything....including your soul!

Moon & Stars

June 7, 2007
12:45 pm
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bmom74
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So, I truly am not wrong for blowing up at him like I do???? I get soooo emotional and angry. In fact, it makes me think when he says I am crazy that he is right.

June 7, 2007
12:53 pm
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Anonymous
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Bmom74:

If you are angry and upset, your boundaries are likely being violated and you are hurt. Of course you become angry. You need to act on that anger.

Another book that helped me to leave my emotional abuser is "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft.

He writes: "Chronic mistreatment gets people to doubt themselves." Your emotional abuse is distorting your thinking.

PLEASE listen to your friends who truly love and care about you. Get professional help if you cannot break away from this man alone.

Also read about love addiction on the web. Pia Melody has an excellent book.

Think about yourself and take care of you.

M & S

June 7, 2007
1:00 pm
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risingfromtheashes
st regis falls, ny
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you have EVERY right to be angry and blow up.

when I sought counseling, my ex used to say "calm down honey, you are just getting aggitated"...and he would use my therapy to say I WAS crazy.

you aren't...you are having a normal reaction to someone walking all over you and taking advantage of you.

learn to pay attention to those gut feelings....they ARE accurate.

AS for your upbringing, my mom was suicidal, so I know about the ups and downs...because your parents were depressed and you knew it, I wonder if you walked on eggshells, afraid to ask anything, afraid to send them into depression for asking too much....I know that's how I was. I didn't want to impose and was taught that I didn't deserve any more than I got...be thankful for it.

June 7, 2007
1:13 pm
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bmom74
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Am I wrong for not wanting him to talk to this girl my daughter is in a legal tangle with?? It would seem to me he is not being loyal to our family by doing this and we are the ones who have taken care of him. Is this really just my insecurities coming out??

June 7, 2007
1:51 pm
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nappy
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One question

How much love do you have for yourself?

And what is it about this person that you are so much in love with?

Sweetheart, I hate to hear stories like yours. It break my heart. You are not the only one but please hear me that there are mens out there that will stick with you, once they are stuck, they will suck you dry.

You really need to tell this joker that his time is up and that he needs to move on. When mens or people are in jail, they will say anything to that other person. That is how they get you. They will tell you anything that you want to hear. There purpose in this kind of relationship is THERE SECURITIES. They need a place to stay, They have to eat. And they are not just going to go out there a look for a job. That is why he is talking to you. You are working. And they will have sex with you every now and then so that you want get upset that he is not really not into you.

About this other girl. He is not just talking up on some free food. He see something that he want and he is going to try and get it.

Oh you are not crazy but I think that you are crazy for putting up with a person like this. And he knows this. He has found your weak spot and he will keep on digging into it until he truly makes you crazy.

If you know that he is the wrong man, then why are you still hanging on to him? What has he done for you beside paying a little of the rent and that is suppose to make you jump for joy. Pleasssssse........

You have tried everything that you knew how to make this man love you and you see that it is not working. So my best thing for you is to let this man go. If not you are going to continue to be hurt and thinking that you are crazy and he is going to still be doing what he knows best and that is
NOTHING!!!!!!!!!

Nappy!

June 7, 2007
6:52 pm
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taj64
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awwwwe. I feel your pain. the best thing you can do, is to let it go, get rid of this guy out of your house, out of your life. Things will fall into place. It will be a process. but this guy doesnt care for you and you know it. Why hang on and grasp? It is hard, so many of us out there have been there, but you do deserve better. How else are you going to find better unless you are free of this love for a man that just doesn't love you. You cannot make anyone love you. Don't be used anymore, kick him to the curb and you will find out that he is not all that, that he never was all that. Hellllooooo he was in jail. he needs a place to live. You cannot control who this man talks to...it is not healthy to be involved with tihs man. He is just a room mate, and nothing more. Your life will come together but when you realize that this dream you are having is turning into a nightmare. It is not reality, it is the way it is. He isn't into you. Please start focusing on YOU. You deserve good.

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