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Moon & Stars: where are you?
September 3, 2006
1:47 pm
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M&S

Where are you? If you have not kept up with my threads, I have not forgotten about you, and all you did to point me in the right direction and get me back on track. I won't forget the good thing you did for me.

Should things go wrong again, I am not sorry about what I did and who I am. I know this now. I feel better than I have in over a year, and it is since I drew my line in the sand no matter what the consequence. I earned the respect of my colleagues, but no matter, I define my own self. The approval or disapproval basd on others' moods, whims, needs, or desires is not what defines me. The next time I find myself being treated unacceptably, I will get out immediately rather than trying to fix it. Each day in such a situation is so harmful. What defines me from now on is my core values and my HP.

You did a lot to bring my old sense of self back. I used to be a very strong person before I was an innocent victim of a crime (just before this situation). Now, I feel like me again, but even so, I have to keep working hard not to slip again, now knowing I am vulnerable.

Thank you, M&S. Please drop by more often. I appreciate and admire your kindness and wisdom.

Peace, love, and serenity to you.

Blessings and much gratitude,

P&L

September 4, 2006
2:24 am
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Dear P&L:

Yes, I have kept up with your thread and I think that you are doing GREAT!

But I was in no way surprised either. You have tremendous inner strength and you are drawing on that.

You quickly understood what was required of yourself and you did it despite your fear.

I am glad that something that I learned and shared sparked insight in your mind. I too must remain vigilant to stay on course and avoid falling into ingrained habits.

I am sorry that you were a victim of crime. It is very frightening. If you have not read: The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker, I highly recommend it. Women, in particular should read this book.

A particular gem from the book is the following:

"No" is a word that must never be negotiated, because the person who chooses not to hear it is trying to control you. p. 63.

I continue to hope that your situation turns out in the best possible way for you. It will because you are ready to walk away if necessary. You hold all the power because of that and your office knows it too 🙂

Thank you for your kind words.

Warm regards,

M & S

September 4, 2006
2:48 pm
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M&S

THank you for the reply, and thank you for writing to GG. She can benefit from you wisdom.

Yes, I actually do have that book. I got it before I ever got a coda book, incidentally. It was after the crime. The police recommended it when I was taking self defense with them. I recommend it to many women too. I sometimes need to reread it.

I like the way you, have certain phrases or sections from books picked out as mantras. I think I will do that too. I tend to use a pencil to pick out sections that make sense at the time. Thanks for another good idea!

By the way, is that Patrick Carnes book, The Betrayal Bond, useful for those who were not victims of incest? I heard his books are mostly geared toward sexual addiction, incest, etc.

Thank you!

P&L

September 5, 2006
9:34 am
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Hello P&L:

The Betrayal Bond is an excellent book for anyone that was or is in an exploitative relationship or has been or is being abused--at work, in the home, in an intimate relationship of any kind. It explains why we keep returning to the abuser and how to stop that destructive behavior and improve boundaries and relationships.

Carnes himself was in such a relationship and explains the dynamics of trauma bonding. Without doing the emotional work to break the trauma bond the pull to go back remains irresistible.

I am also reading the Emotionally Abused Woman by Beverly Engel. It too is very good. The last chapter is about raising self esteem and changing patterns of abuse.

I have an entire binder of articles and certain threads from AAC so that I can review powerful messages to myself. I am trying to change patterns and thinking and a one-time read isn't sufficient for me to change ingrained patterns.

I am not so wise. I am dealing with relationship issues that have caused me enormous emotional pain. I am familiar now with those issues because I have spent much time reading the literature, doing research and trying to understand another person's behavior and my unhealthy responses to it.

Like you, I need to understand why and how something happens so that I can address the issue logically and effectively. I have the knowledge but implementing it in my own life is difficult. Day by day.

Take good care.

M & S

September 5, 2006
7:22 pm
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September 5, 2006
7:46 pm
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M&S

I read the Engel book. It was the first thing I ever read and it was recommended by a very good friend who is an excellent psychologist.

I started reading the Betrayal Bond. Wow, it is very powerful. Now, I am a bit in angry mode over what happened. I see why you recommended it. I think it is helpful to get people out of the victim mentality and take hard look at what happened. Two life altering things happened back to back. The first, I was not a betrayal bond. I was just a victim. I had lost trust and faith in people after that experience, and along came the second experience at the one place where I still trusted people... I can't say more here. I feel betrayed, and I don't ever want to set myself up for that again!

September 5, 2006
8:03 pm
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Hello P&L:

I am glad you got the Betrayal Bond. Yes, it is quite instructive. It is difficult to see how we participate in relationships and "volunteer" for abuse without having it pointed out explicitly.

It is good that you are angry. You trusted in good faith. You will be more cautious next time if you learn the lessons well.

That is why, I read and reread this material. I am trying to retrain myself and it isn't easy to break life-long habits.

I will look into the book you recommended on the other thread. Thanks.

Best wishes.

M&S

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