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Money problems with spouse
November 7, 2004
9:49 pm
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toyia
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My husband has a good income $200,000 a year.
After 8 yrs of marriage, I have had to fight for him to share.
He is willing to put 20% of his income in a joint checking account for utilities...but all else stays in his name - and I don't know where it is.

When we married, he was broke, except for a good job (about 80 grande then). He had gone through a divorce, after 23 years, 2 grown kids and resented what the judge gave his ex.
He was single for 2 years, when we met.
I was single for 23 years, self employed and lived in a large, new, well decorated home.
His old home was empty and far from his job.
He moved in my house and wanted to share expenses.
We did that for 2 years, he had alimony and needed to sell his house.

He sold it and bought a farm in his name, which was OK with me.
Finally I asked him to pay a bigger share of expenses, he said the house was in my name, therefore I paid all repairs, maintenance.
After 4 yrs of marriage, he got the bigger job....more money!
The recession hit my business after 9/11...my income cut about 60%.
He told me to get a teacher's job....I'm 59yrs old!

I have asked that we pool our incomes...under both names and have a separate account for my business and his hobbies. He owns a plane, which needs a hanger, gas, maintenance.
I want the majority of family income in both names......he refuses.
I no longer feel like a wife - if I ever did!
Why does a man think of getting married and keep all HIS money hidden?
What can I do?

Thanks for listening.

November 7, 2004
10:24 pm
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sdesigns
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Hi Toyia: I'm not married so I'm not talking from experience but I have had 2 boyfriends that both said they wouldn't marry again because of losing so much in their divorces.

IF and I mean IF I were to ever marry I don't think I would like a separate arrangement like you have IF the man made more than I do. BUT I have been self supporting for so long that I would never mix expenses w/ a man that has less than I do because it seems like they should have more. I've worked too hard to let some guy take it away from me.

The fact that he is hiding money is worrisome though. I don't think of marriage being where one spouse hides money from the other. Maybe he's still reacting to the divorce. SD

November 8, 2004
11:39 am
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toyia
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Thank you SD
I don't think of a marriage as so divided either.

Yes, you are right....he is protecting himself.
I don't think he ever dealt with the anger & hate he felt for his ex.
His two kids can't invite both of them to the house for an event at the same time. Always two birthday parties etc.
He brought that anger to our marriage.....when I ask for us to work as a team, he says I don't spend enough time with his grkids!
Blaming me....his Grkid love me, I play with them, while he watches TV.

It's manipulation.

What to do? I don't know.
But I can't continue to feed his behavior.
Thanks for your comment.

November 8, 2004
11:49 am
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eve
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This sounds as if mediation by a third party would maybe help, but I don't have any idea where to find somebody who offers something like that - over here I'd ask at the city counsil.

Tell him that if you have to pay all repairs and maintenance for your house then he would be expected to pay rent. Or he could buy a house for both of you to live and for him to maintain, since you need the income from renting your house, as you lost your business.

It is hard to not let something like this get emotional - for me it would be very upsetting, and a reason for separation. But for some men it seems to be just a business like any other, and they take any advantage they can get. Take responsible care of your finances, then decide what you want to do with the relationship.

November 8, 2004
10:17 pm
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toyia
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Thank you Eve.
We might as well separate, since my heart isn't with him.
I just started seeing a counselor & perhaps he will go.
She says, he is being selfish, grandiose. That he is dependent on me, for my social skills and it is a HOSTILE Dependency.
He is mad at me that he is dependent on me.
I'd like some research here.....other who are married. Do you keep your incomes joint....or totally separate?

The only other example I have is my parents....every $1.00 my Dad made belong to my Mom too and he was so proud of that!

Am I asking too much?

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