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Mom's codependency
May 19, 2004
6:32 pm
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spacegirl10000
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I lived with my Mom till I was 39 than I met my husband, and I found out what life was. Things I was missing out on because of my relationship with my Mom. I went to work came home and to church on Sunday. She controled my life and it was easier then her yelling and screaming at me. I would find friends and she would have to meet them and then my friends would stop calling. One time she had me so upset at a friends house I just shut down I could hear the door closing and the silence was nice. I did that for a while then went on anti depressants and I couldn't feel anything. I didn't like that either. Now 4 years later of leaving her she still tries to control so I put a stop to it, no phone calls no getting together and that worked for almost 2 months, well I had her up for dinner last night, and nothing has changed but I have and don't think I can put up with her, if she starts her controlling ways again. It was nice yesterday but I sensed if one word wrong was said that would be the end of it. I don't need that I really don't need her drama and wanting to control me.

May 19, 2004
7:23 pm
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annastar
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I live with my mother now. I am not saying- I like it, but- she is a good company, besides- she pays most of house bills and buys food. I mean- I buy some of it, but- she was always doing grate job supporting me, and she makes more then most of guys I dating. I think- in a some way- she competes with my men to keep me home. So- may be I would marry some nice guy just to have home, but I have everything, so- why would I – I just date them. And- you say- controlling- sure- she is controlling, but if I move in with man that pay all bills, he is going to be controlling as well! Here I can have my band in a house with out worrying how my man feels about it. And now- we going to have a baby…with her… yea, it sound strange, but- I can count on her more then on any man- she never let me down, she was always there for me. And in one day she will need me- she will not always able to work, she may need shopping help- everything- we stock together now- I am not going anywhere with out her. I was thinking to move to LA…if she wants to go!

May 19, 2004
8:04 pm
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natty
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spacegirl10000 I really don't want to upset or offend you, but my advice for what it's worth is RUN. Your poor mum has some real issues and is trying to hold you back from having a life. You have missed out on so much and now you have met a guy and moved out you have a real chance at happiness and finding out who you are and living for yourself.

Is there a counsellor or minister you trust, or that she trusts that could give you a hand in having a talk with her about her controlling behaviour?

I wish you all the best. You have taken the first step. Good for you.

May 19, 2004
8:05 pm
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natty
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I forgot to ask, how is she with your husband? Does she resent him for ``taking you away'' from her?

May 19, 2004
11:10 pm
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spacegirl10000
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Natty I sent a reply on another thread called Mom's codependency II
Thanks so much for your thoughts.
Now AnnaStar that's fine that you like being with your Mom, you must be young like in your twenties because I felt that way back then. You need your own life! Trust me on this I have been there. I hope someday you will see you need your own life.

May 19, 2004
11:38 pm
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annastar
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I am 31 now. I felt- I needed freedom when I was in my 20s. She moved out, we had band in a house, I got involved with drugs, my husband left me and it was not fun at all. So- she took me to live with her. I am different person now, can support myself, and I was thinking to move to LA or NY again, but I am at school and expecting baby, and going to be single mom, so- it sure not a time to move. But then- if I stay and she will help me again, as always, how can I turn around and leave? This is big issue for me- thank you for mentioning. I am not happy in this town, she says- she is too old to move and- we have property together…It is good here, and- I can not live her alone- what if she gets sick or something?

May 19, 2004
11:48 pm
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spacegirl10000
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Annastar all that has gone through my mind to what if she gets sick. Thank goodness that has not come up. She has been evicted twice since I lived with her both my brothers were living there too in a two bedroom apartment my youngest brother moved out right after I did and the middle brother wouldn't get a job. I didn't help her the first time, but the second time took her cat. There was no way she could move in with us. Her controlling ways would destroy my marriage trust me on that. She has never been homeless she has always had her church to help her out. Everyone deserves to live their lives. take care

May 19, 2004
11:55 pm
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annastar
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We been trying to live with her and my b/f- it was not the same. But- in your situation- you have brothers that can also help her. I am her only child. But I agree- it keeps me from having family on my own, and may be- she could have life?

May 20, 2004
1:12 am
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spacegirl10000
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Well everything has changed since 2000 my middle brother is gay and wants nothing to do with any of his family. My youngest brother has gone to prison and will be there till 2020. So in a way I am her only child. That doesn't matter with the mental and verbal abuse and how she has treated me. Changed it all because no one should be treated the way I have. I have stood up for myself and will not take it anymore.
I am taking advice from friends and family that have said walk away. If she changes after sending her the information about codependency then we shall see what happens.

May 20, 2004
1:35 am
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annastar
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Well- good luck! My mother changed so much. She used to be demanding powerful person- now she is so nice- I feel guilty. I love her. And wish- I can be usefull- she thinks- I am her little girl she needs to take care about, and I accept it...

May 20, 2004
4:22 am
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lewis
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Hi, Spacegirl

your thread makes me realise had horrible it is to be alone and desperate, and what we will do to prevent this.

i hope it all works out for you, but what i was wondering, because so much as happened to you, and you are still going through intence issues here, how does all this make you feel ?

May 20, 2004
5:32 pm
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spacegirl10000
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Hi! Lewis I am very grateful for my husband he is so supportive and loving to me. I am learning to put the boundries up and hopefully at some point be able to have a healthy relationship with my Mom.

May 21, 2004
2:27 am
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misery
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space girl, sounds more like your mother is living vicariously through you. It's just a pattern you have to recognize and break.It's said that time repeats itself, so maybe do some soul serching and do not play into the roll of regrets. Remember misery loves company. Just talk to her and ask if she had 1 thing to do all over again ,what would that be? Take short visits and keep everything upbeat & positive.Refuse to dwell on past negative issues and aviod any negative conversation. Talk about the good only.Most important learn to laugh together!
Good Luck!

May 21, 2004
2:30 am
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misery
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space girl, sounds more like your mother is living vicariously through you. It's just a pattern you have to recognize and break.It's said that time repeats itself, so maybe do some soul serching and do not play into the roll of regrets. Remember misery loves company. Just talk to her and ask if she had 1 thing to do all over again ,what would that be? Take short visits and keep everything upbeat & positive.Refuse to dwell on past negative issues and aviod any negative conversation. Talk about the good only.Most important learn to laugh together!
Good Luck!

May 21, 2004
4:46 am
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lewis
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but she is 'mum' though, & i think it would be a reaaly hard thing to deal with, even though i love my parents, i know what they do is not always right & for the best - but they are only people like me & you, they have the same insecurities has all we do.

Spacegirl i'm glad to hear that your hubby is supportive, not many would be! he must be a 'star'.

i hope it all works out for you : )

May 21, 2004
5:27 pm
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spacegirl10000
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Well we have made a break through last night. But it will never been the relationship it once was. My Mom says we are more like best friends or sisters than Mother and daughter?
What do you think about that comment?

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