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mommy dearest
May 14, 2001
11:12 am
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Ima
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September 30, 2010
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Mother''s Day was really hard for me. I feel like I have all this love and respect wrapped up in a present, and want desperately to give it to my Mom, but I know that it would be wasted, trashed and abused. I haven't spoken to her since last Mother's Day, when SHE called me. I tried to call her yesterday, but no one answered. I knew just doing that was going to be opening myself up to scorn and rejection, but I was going to have my boundaries firmly secured, and I knew I could just hang up if I needed to. I wonder, do I have all this love I want to give, or do I have this void that needs some love? Should I call her? Where does a highly disfunctional mother fit in my life? I can't exactly pretend she doesn't exist, though that is what I have been doing, knowing that eventually I would have to face the fact of her existence. WWhat kind of boundaries would I need, how far do I let her in? She isn't trustworthy. Can I love her but not trust her? I want some freedom from this carcass I have been dragging around.

May 14, 2001
12:38 pm
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Molly
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September 30, 2010
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I love the book White Oleander for its referance to the need for maternal love. We all have that need for the blood connection fantasy of the all loving all soothing all comforting security of the womb, but most of us don't have it. You do have the right to draw the protective boundry lines, but... You still want that fantasy mother, who is perfect and some day be all that you wish and hope for her to be, and most likely that is a set up for failure. Keep your space, find surrogats, and love your self, and your future children the way that you want the love. Be honorable, make the phone call, just say Happy Mothers, day thank her for giving you life, or send a card, buy a blank and just leave that note. We mothers are a strange breed, we are all that our mothers knew, did the best we could, but are unfortunately human. My mother failed me miserably in so many ways, I tried so hard to be different for my girls, to be all that my mother was not, I forgave my mother, and learned to accept her for what she did give me, and what she tried to do, she was human too. Much to my surprise, my daughters, as the apparent circle goes, found much of my efforts lacking, and many aspects of my personality flawed, and some day they will grow up and love me for what I am, and was, instead of finding me wrong for being human. Love is the answer, and if you can find one ounce of it for her and her efforts, try to give her some form of awareness of your gratitude, and forgive and move on. Its only one moment of one day, and it can make such a difference for both of you. I hope that helps you with the pain, it does hurt so bad, and I have felt it on both ends. Think evolution.

May 17, 2001
6:01 pm
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chippy
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I HAD A MOTHER LIKE THIS TOO........I LOVED AND HATED HER AND COULD NOT TRUST HER.....SHE WAS A DRUGGY.....AS IT IS LATER IN MY LIFE I SAY LOVE WHAT YOU CAN ABOUT HER AND LEAVE THE REST OUTSIDE YOUR BOUNDRIES. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT AND THEN FEW OF US ARE MONSTERS.....WE ARE IN SOME GREY AREA.....SO LOVE WHAT YOU CAN AND FORGET THE REST AND REALISE THAT PART IS HER PROBLEM......LEAVE IT WITH HER.

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