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April 12, 2000
9:30 pm
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Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 27, 2010
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I need a little help on this.
My mother came to stay with me just recently, she was really quite cruel and non nurturing to me as a child and I have carried a lot of anger and issues because of this. I have learned to heal these and learn to forgive her. I understand she had a hard life, my father beat and cheated on her, we were always in poverty and for whatever reason she was incapable of being a mom.
I asked her over to try to reconnect, I went out of my way to be nice to her, i brought her special gifts ( it was my birthday and she again brought me some cheap present and that hurt ) I put flowers in her room, brought her nice bath products, took her out around town to all the local sites ( even though I was not feeling well ) and was the gracious hostess.
She helped out by cleaning the house a little but other than that she complained, gave nasty looks and comments to my four year old, the staff at restaurants, etc..it was embarassing. Her face resembled an angry spinster most of the time, she just was not happy in herself and the negative energy weighed heavily upon me and eventually my young son who said she was "mean" and "bad"..at times. This obviously hurt her to hear, but what did she expect. Everyone who came in contact with her couldnt believe the disrespect i.e if a restaurant did not have an item that she favored, she would give the waitress a filthy look and cop a bad attitude throughout the entire meal, although I would pay for her meal. I felt, used again and disrespected. She never said anything outright ( she was normally verbally abusive ) but the atmosphere was so heavy and awful that I literally became ill from it.
I know its important to honor our parents and forgive the past in order to heal ourselves but I am left feeling disgussted, angry and resentful again. I am sick of feeling this way with my mother.
She never has a nice or kind word to say to me in respects to me as a mother or me as a daughter or me as a person, period.
I compliment her on her outfits, her cooking etc...I get nothing.
I cooked lovely meals for her, and often times I was lucky to get a grunt out of her.
I am ashamed of the way she treats people and those she is supposed to care about.
I am sick and tired of the way she treats me.
Anyone else ina similar experience?
Any advice would be appreciated.

April 13, 2000
6:20 am
New Member
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
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There....you don't have to do that again. You have honored her, respected her given her a chance, made excuses for her behavior as an adult.

I would advise to not do this again. If you you MUST have her over make the visits as brief as possible. You may need to be blunt with her..."Mom I know you had a hard life but it is in the past."...etc etc.

Ther is no excuse for not having and using common courtesy with our families as well as those we come in contact with casually.

Pity her because she is broken ..but you can't fix her..just you.

May seem harsh but...that is how life often is..

At least you are insightful and caring. but if it isn't a healthy situation...don't do it anymore.
Doesn't matter if she is "your mom".

April 13, 2000
7:23 am
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Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
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Hi infaith, are we sisters then!?
my mum makes me cringe sometimes with the way she treats people, but she really thinks she is nice! and most of the time she is but she doesn't see what she does.
i too tried to befreind her and mostly it has worked but the one thing i have always hated is her bitchiness. last time i actually confronted her and stood firm about it, she denied it again and again, but i kept firm and told her that i do not like the way she manipulates. I don't think she realised that that was the way she was reacting with people. i explained to her that she did do this and that there were better ways to react with people other than trying to steer them to dance to her tune. i won't pretend she understood all of what i have said, but i did calmly tell her that with me, i didn't want to hear her nasty comments about family members and members of the public, also if she wants something from me the to ask in plain english! not manipulate. after her pride cooled down she did actually admit that she does do this sometimes, but never meant it in a bad way. she has been a bit better lately, too.
i think for your peace of mind, it helps to state the reasons that feel makes her part of the problem. But there is no way that you can get her to understand it unless she sees it for herself. Maybe she doesn't realise and can think over what you tell her and it will help, like my mum, maybe she will just deny it all. either way you will have given her the oppotunity to hear your feelings just in case she simplu doesn't realise.
After that, as Janes said, you have done more than enough. there is no reason you shold have to put yourself through it again, unless your mother is prepared to take responsibility for her own actions.
like my mother she has alot to be angry about, no-one is denying her her own hurt and pain, but she is dealing with it inappropriately and it is causing hurt to others. understandable but it doesn't mean its acceptable.
Tell her once and hope she listens, if not, at least you know you have done your best.

April 13, 2000
8:16 am
New Member
Forum Posts: -1
Member Since:
September 24, 2010
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You have made a big effort to help your mom. She inturn has done nothing to really make you feel good. All I can say is that you made the first move and you tried your best at that. It is hard to be nice to people and they treat us with disrespect. You have made the best of what you could. You can't change her but you can do for yourself. You sound like a nice person. All you can do is your best and then move on to something more important. Take care of yourself and your feelings. I would not go over board trying to make someone feel good if they embarrassed me or made me feel bad. It seems that she has the problem not you so don't take on her problem because she will bring you down. You do care for your mother but at the same time take care of your feelings and your childrens. Remember, it was not your fault so you don't have to make amends.
Have a good day.
Take care.

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