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"mom, I injure myself" what's the best way?
April 13, 2006
2:13 pm
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Randomwomen2
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im sorry your not doing well sweetheart. Are you seeing a counsler? I cant remember. If there isnt a way to talk to us then can you please make a journal of how your feeling? this might help. Please let your mom know how your feeling Please sweetheart dont keep things from her. I worrie about you sweetie I just want you to feel better.
With love
Julie

May 17, 2006
10:36 am
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Terri88
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Tomorrow I graduate, I have been keeping a journal but I sort of stopped writing in it.I was talking to the woman named Angie, but I had the last meeting with her yesterday, I think it may be my social phobia making me feel like I don't want to get help, or make me not talk to people. I don't feel like talking to me mom, she doesn't want to help me, she just wants me to stop. It's not the same thing either, anyways, Goodbye. Thanks for your help.

May 17, 2006
10:52 am
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mamac
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terri88- I understand social phobia very much. Asking for help is very hard, especially if you mistrust people.As for your mom, somtimes as a parent it is hard to remember exactly how hard being young is. And also how you feel parents dont understand, somtimes they love you so much they dont want to face why you do things, they just want it to stop. That unfortunatly is not a solution. I could never talk to my mom about anything, she was set in her ways, so I completly understand. I am new to this sight but people here seem to be understanding and nonjudgemental, maybe it will be a good place to get it all out..

May 17, 2006
10:58 am
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Randomwomen2
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Hey sweetheart first and formost I want to congratulate you on graduating. That is so wonderful. Keep on journaling sweetheart. Please dont give up on us. You can make it through.

August 17, 2006
9:57 pm
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Terri88
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Okay..I just bought my computer a week ago..anywas..I've been good on the not injuring myself thing..I really can't remember the last time I cut..some short time after I graduated I think..but anyways..I haven't done it..I do bite my lips till they bleed but not often...but June17th I had a seizure..the 3rd in my entire life..and I was put on medication for it..I've never had 2 seizures in the same year..anyways...also July 16th I basically let my dog get run over..I saw the car coming but didn't call him back..I didn't see him get hit because of some tall grass..but I heard it..and anyways..I guess that's all..some other stuff has happened but I'm kind of tired..

August 17, 2006
10:03 pm
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Randomwomen2
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Many many hugs to you sweetheart. I am so proud of you for not cutting and for graduating congrats. As for the dog thing sweetheart It wouldnt have mattered if you had called him back anyway it would have still happend hunny you cant blame yourself for that. I am very sorry that you have been having medical issues. I really hope that the new meds help. Thank you for comeing back here and letting us know how you are.

September 14, 2006
8:22 pm
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Terri88
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Okay..I'm going..to admit something. I haven't really injured myself, and right now it just creeps me out just sitting down, I wish I could be floating not feeling anything, it's weird...but..something's been on my mind past few weeks. It's something I should have known was the main reason I started, but I just tried ignoring it, hoping that it woulnd't ever come up, putting it away out of my mind forever, but that's not actually possible, and thinking about it, I can relate it to injuring myself, though I don't feel like injuring myself thinking about it, it just annoys me I let myself do that to get over something, but I have never told a family member or friend or even the therapists...but, I think I want to just get it out somewhere..when I was about 9 maybe 8 I'm not quite sure, I didn't try to remember the age I was..but around that time, I was malested.. by 2 people, I'll say it like this... 1st and 2nd malested me first..for a while, then 1st got a 3rd into it also, they would do it seperately sometimes, after a while, they stopped it, and then came a 4th, he did it once, he didn't know about the first 3...uhm..It all ended maybe when I was 12. 3 of them, are relatives, one I can talk to and not really think about what he did, one creeps me out but I can talk to him as well, and one I don't even really think about it. the other I don't know anymore really, everytime one says something sick like sexual or something, not relating it in anyway to what they did but saying like a comment or joke, I think about that and I just sort of try not to show any emotion towards it. but they seem to act like it never happened, and I try to do the same, and the therapists ask if it has ever happened and I just said no, because I just don't want to remember it, and I do feel the usual it's my fault thing, I never really fought back, I just begged them but they'd say things that scared me into just letting them do it, I was always afraid at first when they'd be somewhere I was, and once I noticed they weren't seeming they'd do it again, I got a little less afraid of them, I'm not really afraid now, but I just am uncomfortable sometimes around them, I don't know if the think about it or not, I hope that if they do they feel like shit for it..but I don't feel guilty like I did it just the same as them, they're older, they knew better to not do it, and I was young and never lead on for them to treat me like that, but..It's them that did it, I just wish I would have been able to not let them do it..and because they were mainly relative I was afraid to tell my mom, or anybody else, and also it's embarrassing to admit to it being a relative especially, I think I'm dont though I just am going put this up and that's it, I don't want to go into it anymore anyways, there it is..

September 14, 2006
9:29 pm
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honeyb
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Terri, I can sympathize so much with you because when I was a little girl I was molested. I have memories as young as about 2. My violater was the one man every little girl should be able to look up to - my father. I repressed alot of what happened until a few years back. It went on until I was about 12 or 13. I didn't tell anyone either for the same reasons you mentioned. I used to 'hurt' myself. It has been many years ago, I am now 45 years old. My father is now dead. My one regret, is that I didn't confront him - let him know how he hurt me..I am afraid now I can never let that go. You are right in not feeling guilty. I've been a victim of one sort or another my whole life...my goal is to never let anyone control or victimize me again. You are so important to this world..you count..and thank you for posting this thread..I wish great things for you, the biggest of all is inner peace. honeyb

September 14, 2006
9:30 pm
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gracenotes
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Terri,

That was brave of you to share this here for the first time. When you are ready, these things that happened to you really do need to be talked about with a therapist. Are you afraid to do this? This stuff keeps popping in your mind, and you cannot ignore it forever. You need to talk about it. Do you fear something bad will happen? Do you totally understand how wrong it was for them to do these things to you? Do you understand that what was done is not your fault?

I think you would feel a lot better talking about this with a therapist. Sometimes we have to get older before we are ready to deal with bad stuff that happened, but it sounds like you are ready to talk.

September 14, 2006
9:40 pm
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ggfred4
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Terri, I am another person on this site with a similar background. The person who did this was my father. The best thing about this site besides the support is that you will find out,you are not alone with your issue. As you can tell, I still can't say those "words" yet and still have a hard time discussing it at all. I am feeling emotional just typing this, but you need to alone you are NOT alone!

When honeyb responded also, I too felt not alone with this issue. Just think, two people immediately identified with you and there are more I am sure. Grace, asked you some good questions to think about.

Sharing your story is a big step of trust. Thank you for doing that...gg

September 14, 2006
9:41 pm
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ggfred4
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okay, so emotional that I made many typing errors, sorry. "you need to KNOW, you are not alone".

September 14, 2006
9:59 pm
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Ned 348
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Terri, I'm so sorry for what happened to you. I wish I could take it all away for you. You must realize that you were just a little girl and that it was not your fault. It really shouldn't hurt to be a child but to too many children it does. What a traumatic experience. The people you should be able to trust the most, people that should protect you are the ones to abuse you, no wonder your world fell apart. I've never been molested but I know what it feels like to have self-hate and not like yourself because of the pain of childhood. I hope you do find a therapist you can trust to work you through this. I hope your being able to write it down as helped you in some way and will help you to do what is necessary so that you do not have to feel this pain any longer. This should not be a life sentence. Bless you.

September 14, 2006
10:14 pm
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Randomwomen2
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Hey sweetheart I am so proud of you for getting that out there in the open at least on this site. As you probably remember I have a similar back ground and I use to cut. It is so important to get it out. Please please tell your counsler she can not help you to the full extent of her abilitys unless you tell her. Many many hugs to you sweetheart it took a lot of courage to tell us. Please continue talking to us.

September 15, 2006
10:24 am
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Terri88
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There were quite a few times I would open this topic, but then I would just close the window thinking I wouldn't talk about it, but last night I figured to go ahead because there was really nothing to loose by saying it. Anyways I really don't want to talk to anybody about it really anytime soon, like therapists, I know they're there to help but I just can't talk to somebody knowing eventually I'd have to tell them things I'm not comfortable with talking about, but I need to tell them so they can actually help me, maybe someday I'll be able to talk to somebody I know or something but right now I'm really not comfortable with the thought of telling somebody I know. Especially since they'd ask who it was anyways I know it really wasn't my fault it just sort of feels like I didn't try as hard as I should have. I wish I'd at least fought or something, I don't know.. people are dumb to screw up children. It's really just pissing me off right now, anyways thanks for your comments.

September 16, 2006
6:35 pm
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gracenotes
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Terri,

I respect you choices here. I just hope that you consider this thought: A child is never responsible for abusive behavior of adults. This is something you would have never sought out to want for yourself. You did not have the emotional or physical ability to fight it at the time, nor the ability to understand waht was going on and how it would later affect you. You have every right to be angry about this.

September 20, 2006
2:34 am
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Terri88
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I'm afraid.
I'm going to cave soon.
I want to, I feel I want to injure myself.
but, I'm afraid that it's too early, because I think it's going to hurt.
So I'm afraid that soon, I won't care and then when that happened it won't hurt, so I'm going to do it.
But I don't want to, I just feel like I do and I do start to get up to go close the door..
Then I stop myself thinking "No, that's done." but I'm afraid soon I'm going to fall backwards I'm going to fail this I think.
I don't want to, but I feel myself slowly not caring.
I haven't been checked by my mom in a long time, I don't have any sort of counceling. I don't write things down anymore.
I do have online friends I talk to..one I have told about how I'm feeling earlier, she tried to help, but, I'm not sure if I can do this much longer.
I don't know what I'm doing.
I hope that I don't do it, give into myself, into my habit, after a few months without it.
I don't want it to be back at that, I was recently aware of how I ruined my body with these scars all over..
I disliked them, I still do, I just don't know if the regret of creating them can keep me from creating more.
I don't want to start up again then realize again I need to stop, and stop for a few more months and then after a while start up again.
I don't want it to be a neverending cycle, I want to control it and get it out of my present and have it all stuck in the past with all the other crap.
I really don't want to give into the habit of it..I don't..I hope I can keep remembering I don't want to do that again...but I'm not sure if I can...
I don't know what happened..
There was a period of time I didn't even need to fight it I didn't think about it much..
Now it's just starting to come at me and I'm not sure if I can hold it back..
I really am hating myself for using that as my way of relief.

September 20, 2006
2:51 pm
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gayle
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Terri, what if your print off what you have written here and then give it to your therapist to read. That way they know what has happened and can still help you to get to a place where you can actually say it out loud. I am so proud of you, it takes so much strength to even write what you did! The only way for you to stop cutting for good is to deal with the abuse from your childhood. I hope you can get into therapy soon! You can resist the temptation, I know its hard honey but just try and get back into therapy. What happened to you was not your fault. You did nothing wrong, you were just a child. You couldn't have stopped it. It is over now and those people can't hurt you anymore. Take care. A.

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