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Molly
September 20, 2000
10:28 am
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Cici
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September 24, 2010
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Girl, you crack me up. No one can give a dose of down-to-earth, humorous and realistic anecdotes like you can. You have a great way about you.

Sometimes I think that slightly gruff exterior covers a very tenderly empathic person. I suppose that's what I like the most.

September 20, 2000
11:22 am
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Jaskid
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September 30, 2010
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She always seems to put a smile on my face!

:)Jaskid

September 20, 2000
11:33 am
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confused mom
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September 27, 2010
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I TOTALLY AGREE!!!!!! Molly, you have no idea how much help you have been to me, and I am sure others. You mentioned that you are in your own turmoil right now. I do no want to pry... but I hope there is some way we all can help you as you have helped us.... Just ask!!!! Meanwhile I will be praying for you, and.... thanks again for the advice!!

September 20, 2000
3:21 pm
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Molly
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Well, after a really good cry, I can post . Thank you all so much. You know that place you get to where you are barely in control, and God forbid some one says something nice to you, or even asks are you ok? And you loose it? Thanks I needed that. It is so true, when you are down giving to others is sometimes the best medicine, so I found this thread almost 2 years ago, and as I recieved, I gave, so now I give, and I recieve. Since hindsight is 20/20 vision, and I have had the opportunities to learn some lessons, and live with my choices, I share what I got out of it. While looking at others, it is so clear, and easy to repeat all those things that we know and while repeating them you can't help but sometimes follow your own advice as you process it. I am really a very old fashioned girl, who believes in God, karma, and that we are all connnected. I try to live with integrity, honosty and love. I try to focus on the light as well as the light at the end of the tunnel. I know that the brain is a very powerful tool, that can work in any direction that we want it too, and that thoughts, and words are things, that can cause demise, or miracles.
I am stuck. That is why I am here so much, and can't tell you the frustration I experienced while the threads were down He he!!! It seems that the choices that I have made in the past have been for the wrong reasons, or I was manipulated by untruthfulness that I was not able to recognize. I realize that at the ripe old age of almost 47 I can't afford to make to many more "mistakes". I am tired of the lessons. I want peace, stability, security,my family and a loving partner that shares my dreams, and believes in me for who I am. Right now, I am in a bad place. I learned the consequences of divorce when I divorced the father of my girls who was a very exploitive man. I ran right into the arms of a controller. I never saw it comming. it was right after the divorce, and it was electric. I renewed my committment, to committment and stayed in the relationship way way to long. Although I was functioning, I was disengaged, and removed from life, and lost me. It took so much energy to make the move, and it was so stupid of me to have made such a radical change at such a low point in my life, last baby to college, my mom died, I was in debt, and had ( so I thought ) to sell my house, and was seperated from Mr. Science Project who we will from now on refer to as Sybil. He had been living in a hotel since August, and I fineally said I'm out of here in December. I never liked this town, my girls live up north I like it up north , and pulled it off. I was then hit with major manipulation. I didn't have the stregnth or support to be strong. I teetor totered with Sybil back and forth while making a weekly drive for marriage counseling. I caught him in a lie, that put me back on tract, I had always suspected him of being a liar, but this time I had proof. I cut the cord, was no longer going to be the faithful wife, and sat autistic for the next 3 months in paradice. I fineally went out there, and rediscovered me, I made friends, got a job selling real estate, and radio, and kept trying to get a good paying job with the county as a counselor. I was on the edge of insanity, but it was a healthy growth period for me, to shed the years of abuse.I even took 10 days to go on a surfing safari with people that I barely knew, and had the trip of a life time. Sybil had tried to contact me but to no avail, all I wanted was a divorce. He fooled me into meeting him, we were married in Mexico, and never merged social security numbers here in the us, so it seemed like a divorce where we got married would be right. All we acomplished was getting my name off title to land that we shared, smart dude eh? No contact again until November, he was relentless, almost stalking, I couldn't function and was confused with all the issues, and there were many many reasons for the demise of our marriage. So with his promises, and apparent changes, and growth, with his reminding me of our committment, and gee Ms. Counselor you do believe in recovery don't you, I felt that I owed both of us a chance. I was here two weeks when the clinic I used to work at called for me back, he asked me to be a stay at home wife. I turned it down, since we were to be moving in the next 3 months anyhow. Then the next week I discover that he is sick with this blood pressure thing. Then the next week he wants to buy this house, and, am I crazy there is no way he will move any where. I didn't think he could buy the house and I passed the time writing my book which I have been trying to finish. Then the money controlls, then the house does close escrow, he bought it in his brother's name, and so all of the promises and dreams are dead. The Sybil like behavior, he is sick or tired, or its the meds. There is no social life, nor will there be any, there is no trust, and I don't think I will ever get over some of his responses, of like so I am a liar, I don't care what happens to you, I'll be dead, there is no joy. I feel like an alien who landed on a foriegn planet. His children expect me to be a full time child care taker, and one of them is a punk hard pierced tatooed rocker where I am supposed to go to that crap and support.My girls have never blended, they are much much different, and flipped out on me in February, that has calmed, and stabilized, I know they are just waiting for me to leave again, but they don't like it here, and don't fit with Sybils life. I guess, neither do I. So I am broke, trapped, dazed and confused. I want to run to my new friends up north, but the reality is the job market sucks. My sis I believe needs me down here right now, soooo I have started to send out the resumes. I need a job to gain some financial security, and some freedom, as well as the other benifits. Sybil loves me, but it is his way or the highway, with no comprimise. What kind of a man says he wants nothing from his partner, and I guess I got that he means it. Just a yes person that co-signs his every decision, that cooks cleans, and is just there with a smile on her face all the time. Its not to bad, don't get me wrong, just the innertormoil of knowing that I am not living to my potential, its brain numbing, and lazy is easy to do, if that is all you want out of life. But like I said , I want more, and I despite his continued comments, of my unrealistic dreams, and my lack of regard for what I do have, I don't think I am selfish or wrong any more, I can't afford to wear that position. I believe that his guilt from his manipulation, and agenda, has caught up with him, and since he has taken the stand that I am leaving, it makes it so hard to work with him, if he was willing to work. We have the history that makes it comfortable, and there is love, but that is it, we are just the wrong partners for each other, and that would have been clear, if he had been honost. he lies to himself so well that he believes it, and creates confusion which has kept me paralized. Well I see the same pattern again, and I just cannot go there, or stay in it. I get up and ask if this is it please God take me now, and God says get off your bum. Find you power, use your gifts, and live. I just got a phone call with the routine I'm sorry I hurt you, I want to acknowledge you for what you do and I love you, its so hard to walk from that, and I know in his heart he means it, just like he did Sunday, last Thursday, last Monday, and last year, its a cycle that leaves me weak, lonely, and confused. He knows I am right, and fights it, wears me to the point of breaking and then when he thinks I am gone, gives just a little, very little, and only what he is willing to give.
So I have been sorting out reality, from the fantasy, confused about love, committment, and what I want out of life what is important, what is right, and what the heck I should do when I grow up. Thank you all again for the validation, you have no idea how bad I need it. Love to you all, and sorry it was so long.

September 20, 2000
3:34 pm
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Molly
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PS I took my name from the unsinkable Molly Brown!!!!!

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