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molly help
May 5, 2001
9:36 am
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lisa78640
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I have a financially dependent husband. We have been married now for 9 years and it isn't getting any better. He was hurt in 94 and has never been the same. The doctors say that he has suffered at least 2 strokes. He has many medical problems that I just don't know where to start but you couldn't tell by looking at him. I have lived with it for a while now. Anyway, he is working and making a little money. The original deal was that he make enough money to pay for his medical and truck payment(the truck purchase was not my idea and I didn't help him get it his brother did against my better judgement) and I would pay all the other bills including the house payment and all bills attached to that. But here lately his has not been able to even pay his medical or his truck payment. I have given him over 600.00 in the past month and a half and purchased his pills for 122.00. He said he would give me back the 122.00 because it was the house payment money. But he did not. I don't know what else to do I am almost 3 months behind on the house payment again. I have most of the other bills caught up. I just don't know what else to do. I have a very hard time telling him no. Please advise
lisa

May 5, 2001
9:38 am
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lisa78640
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Oh and molly I choose to write to you because I have been reading some of the threads where you have posted responces and I like your answers and respest your opion. Just thought that you might be able to help me with my problem
thanks again
lisa

May 5, 2001
11:35 am
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Molly
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Lisa, well gee, thanks for the pressure, I mean trust. What are the medical conditions ? Sick as a dog, but really able to work? Is he addicted to pain killers, Vicoden Percoden, any of those his regular Rx? If his medical condition is really that bad, and he can't work, perhaps it is time to declare him disabeled? File for social security, knowing it will take an attourney, and several attempts for approval prior to the award. You, must own what you have enabeled, its a tough call with the accident and all, just crap happens to good people, know what I mean. I can see where he needed transportation, however, irresponsible of him to put you in financial straights, ask the brother in law to help with the payment, especially if he signed for the truck its his credit rating too!! Three months behind in the house payment, the notice of default is on the way. Save the house number one, right now the banks should work with you, it is possible for them to add the last three payments to the total amount of your principal owed. if you have lived there a while perhaps there is equity, and reasonable risk for them to assume, trust me they don't want to spend the money on forclosure actions, with some one who is trying, employed, and with medical problems. so call the bank, and try to make financial arrangements with them. Be prepared to fight, and be strong, don't take it personal, its just a business to them, they have no awareness or concearn for your emotional trauma right now, so don't blow your kewl with the first 18 year old customer service rep that gives you attitude. 🙂 With out truly knowing the medical conditions, or just what his Rx is for its a hard to say no, from here. But what was the $600 for? I wouldn't toss lunch money to him, more like a P&J sandwich as far as that is concearned. Again is he really sick, go for aid ? If he is an addict, get him into treatment. You know you can't live beyond the paycheck, and he surly must know it too. obviously you can't count on his contributions. If he is a flake you know the course of action, some one must be the grown up and take responsible controll of the debt. But honey, make sure you don't loose the house, that is oil on the fire for you right now. Hang in there, will check later on.

May 5, 2001
9:29 pm
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Lydia
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Lisa,

Hope I'm not interfering but I'd like to offer a suggestion. Depending on your husbands age and his exact disability, he should qualify for assistance. At least for the medical bills and perscriptions. Does he have insurance? Would he qualify for Medicare?

I agree with Molly's good advice to focus on your mortgage payment. Wells Fargo is offering (on-line) very low interest loans to consolidate debt secured by the equity in your home.

Best of luck to you both.

May 6, 2001
8:58 pm
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lisa78640
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molly

He was involved in a car accident in 1994. The doctors seem to think that he may have suffered a stroke as a result of the accident. He was also digonised with degenerative disc desease complicated with buldging discs in his neck. They have him on vicodine and soma for pain. I know that by now he is addicted and so does he. He does not have any health insurance because we can not afford it. He had insurance and it took care of the cost of the medicine but it was costing me 168 a month and it jumped to 246 a month and I couldn't pay that preimum any more so we lost the health insurance. He does not qualify for medicade or medicare. We have tried to get ss but was turned down many times, we even went to court with an attorney and still lost. The judge said the we could not provide any medical proof the he was having seizures. He is now trying to work. He isn't able to hold a job for long. I have expressed to my brother in law about the truck, he said it was my husbands discission and that I should respect it. I told him that he should be the one helping him with the truck payment not me because he is the one who helped him but it not me. And to top it off we got a forclosure notice in the mail Saturday. I am going to try to work something out with the bank. I told my husband about the foreclosure notice and he said let it go back. I think that he was just blowing off stream. It has been so hard for us. I have tried to apply for assistance but we do not qualify because we have a vehicle that is worth more than 2000. Don't that beat all. I am trying so hard but everwhere I go there seems to be a wall. But Lord knows what is in store for me. I will just keep praying and hoping to the better. Something has got to give. Sometimes I just need someone to talk to about these things. I can't talk to my mother because she likes to interfer to much. She had the nerve to call his parents and tell them that they need to staighten him out. I told her not to do that ever again. But that is a whole nother story. The doctors say that the only thing that they can do now is surgery and that he stands a 70 percent chance of being parrilized with the surgery. We have found a doctor in California that may be able to do the surgery with very little chance of parrialization. But that is a long way away from Texas. With four children that is almost impossible to do. That is pretty much the whole story. At one point early this year he asked me for a divorce. That really ripped me up. I went and saw an attorney and she advised me that she could tell that I really didn't want a divorce and to go home and talk to him. Well I did and I told him that if he wanted a divorce he was to leave now and that I would pay for it. But I got sole custody of the children and he was to leave that day. If didn't want a divorce we needed to talk now. And so we talked everything out and we are still together. He knows that I love him very much. Ever since the accident he is not the same man I married but I have come to adjust to the new man he is. He is now very needy and like a little boy. We now have seperate checking accounts. This way I can control when the bills get paid and try to make sure they get paid. Maybe not on time but as close as I can possible get. Well I had better go. Maybe I can talk to you on a more personal level. Maybe we can exchange e-mail addresses??? I just need someone that I can talk to sometimes.
lisa

May 7, 2001
11:56 am
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Molly
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Lisa see if you can get the address from the site coordinator, I have no problem with a more personal communication. this is hard for you, not only are you not sure, with his ups and downs it sounds like no one else is convienced. Is there an alternative college there, chiropracter, or actupuncture, its possible the students may be able to use him, for school and he recieve free treatment. I know ss. takes several rejects, but whit medical documentation, and a poor employment level this should demonstrate something. i am sure that on top of the pain killer addiction he is depressed, the absences of manly ness translates to i can't take care of my family. is he using any other drugs? Is he drinking at all? Well I got to acknowledge you for your efforts. does he at least stay home and help with the children? House work? Make sure you talk with the bank, explain the medical bills and problems, show that you are making money, and not running up unreasonable debt. If it is an addiction to vicoden, he can go to methadone treatment for that, not that this would be my personal first choice of treatment, but it would cost about the same as your medical insurance bill. That is if he has gotten to the panic point of buying it on the street, or has taken to street drugs yet.
His effort in medical treatment, and his sincere effort in supporting you with help is key to the solution, for your immediate needs. We have General Relief in California, a small amount of money, but perhaps they could help with cash food stamps, and his medical, especially if he is drug dependent.I have worked with many a drug addict that ended up at the clinic due to the MD., script after script. I question surgury, I like alternative healing, some of it really works but they work the psyche tooo. You can't go to the pity pot, until this crisis is over. You must stay strong, how are the kids dealing with this? Write me more.

May 7, 2001
12:23 pm
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gingerleigh
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Can you put your foot down and sell the truck back, or trade in for a cheaper car? It sounds like you are making many sacrifices for this. You need to keep the house. Where else can you cut costs? He needs to make some sacrifices too. The vicoden or the truck.

Your brother-in-law says that you have to "support" his decision? No WAY, girl.

May 7, 2001
1:01 pm
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Molly
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He can support the decision, and the truck. Forgot about that one thanks Gingerleigh.

May 7, 2001
8:58 pm
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Molly
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So, what did the bank say???????????

May 7, 2001
10:15 pm
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lisa78640
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I haven't had a chance to talk with them yet. I mailed them 550.00 today. I figured that I would wait until they recieve that money first. I got an advance at work. Maybe that will satisfy them for a little while. After they recieve that money I will only owe 574.00. 150 for april and 424 for may. At least they can see that I am trying to make things work. I just hope that I dont loose my electricity or water. I will continue to try to make a weekly payment of at least 150 I might be able to get caught up soon. It should leave with enough to make the other payment on the utilities. When I talked to my brother in law about the truck he said he was just doing my husband a favor. I told him he wasn't doing us a favor by getting us more in debt. He said it was my husbands choice. I am still steamed about that. I guess I should get over it by now. This was almost 3 years ago. Now I am faced with having surgery for myself a hysterictomy ( I think that is how you spell it) I have been having problems for a while. I have been blessed with 4 lovely children and my womb has do its job. It is now time for it to go. I have health insurnace for myself and my children. I am just now able to afford the health insurance for my husband. He becomes eligible for health insurnace threw the company he works for in June. I can't wait. He will just beat the preexisting clause. Which means they can't say that he will not be covered for his illiness. No, he does not drink and yes he does help me around the house sometimes. Like this weekend, he cleaned the whole house with the exception of the bathrooms. He did a wonderful job. The house looks great. He also takes care to the yard which is no easy task seeings how we have a half acre. I am not trying to beat him down. He is a wonderful man but lacks financial responsibilty. I love him very much and no matter what anyone says he does try. He is good with the children. Sometimes I have to come between him and the children (he doesn't beat them) he just yells alot and I have to tell him he needs a time out and I will take the children to the park or something and let him have a few moments to himself. He is in a lot of pain and sometimes just has to blow off steam. That is when he goes to work in the yard. Then he spends the rest of the night moaning and growning in pain in his sleep. That is how I know that he is truely in alot of pain. His arms tend to go to sleep on him. He sometimes has a hard time getting up and I have to help him. We plan on waiting for a while to file for ss agian. The attorney advised that we wait untill he was a little older. The first time we filed he was still in his twentys. We wil just keep plugging at it. Oh by the way you have to request my email address from allaboutcounseling in order for me to get yours. Well it is getting late and I had better go. I will check in tomorrow morning. Thanks for listening Molly. I also appreciate all the other people posting a response here too. Thanks to all of you for listening. I will just keep writing because it seems to help.
lisa

May 8, 2001
2:04 pm
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Molly
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Your uterus, sp is falling out due to the emotional stress, look into some emotional relief, you sound like the rest of us, hanging. It will get better, gotta be strong. Can the children help you with chores, your going to need some real rest for a few weeks, will the job cover your time off? Prayers in your direction. Will right more later, got a rocket to launch.

May 8, 2001
4:33 pm
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Gateway
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Hi Lisa,

Hope I'm not interfering in your thread with Molly but a suggestion....have you thought about a short term bankruptcy? Chapter 13 allows you to reorganize your finances and still keep your home. I'm no attorney and have looked at something similar. It will keep your creditors away while you get your finances in order. Also, when the reason for the bankruptcy is listed as medical, Ive been told that they look at that a whole lot different than a bankruptcy for overspending.

Of course a bankruptcy mean using an attorney which will cost $$. Sometimes you can find a legal aid service or an attorney that would be willing to provide the service at little or no cost. A lot of attorneys are willing to do "pro bono" work which means they don't charge for most of their services.

Get rid of the "nice to haves" (truck etc) and focus on the need to have (house, your up coming surgery, kids needs)and keep trying to get benifits for your husband. The squeeking wheel theory can and does work.

Thoughts and prayers.

May 10, 2001
2:05 pm
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lisa78640
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yes we have thought about bankrupty and have filled many years ago. And to my understanding you can not file again for 7 years. We filed almost 7 years ago. We first filed because on an IRS debt. I was able to contact the bank that holds the note on the house and was able to work something out. I should be caught up by the end of next month and be current. As long as I don't have any other expences come up. We should be ok. I am very greatful to all your suggestion and appreciate them all. But most of these I have already done. I just keep running brick walls put up there by our government. So much red tape and exclusions. It could drive anyone crazy. Sometimes I feel there is no way out. But I know that the Lord is watching over me and my family and he will not let anything happen to us. Where there is a will there is a way.
thanks again for everything.
lisa

May 10, 2001
10:20 pm
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Molly
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Darling, life sometimes sucks but we never ever get more than we can handle, you just must keep on keeping on, there is beauty out there, and you will get a break soon, just believe it. its so hard sometimes. I can't imagine what it must be like for you with the kids, and their needs, and feeling so unable due to the financial situation. I remember, being so stressed financially, going through Target, my youngest pointing, asking, saying yes, if you really need, etc. then exploding yada yada yada, and she said mom, all you have to do is say no, she made it so simple. My husband told me 2 days ago, that his license that provides for our family may be revoked, duh, I am stressed, he is calm, he has a plan, but I am the drama queen, shit happens, and I guess if we stay in the present, and deal with the moment it really is ok, so what about the truck payment, and the spouses medical bills?

May 11, 2001
4:56 pm
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lisa78640
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Hi molly

Yesterday he surprised me. He gave me 140.00 to help pay bills. He said he could make his truck payment with his next paycheck. I think he now understands what I am going threw. The medical bills will just have to wait at this time. He doesn't need his meds to be refilled until the end of this month. The medical bills will just have to wait on the back burner until I can pay them. Needs must come first like, house, food, electricty, water, phone. The rest comes after those are paid. In that order. Well I have a plan. If nothing unexpected comes up I should just about get us caught up. We sat down the other night and I let him know what I was paying and when and how much. I think that may have made a difference. My father bought us summer season passes to seaworld for the children. We haven't done anything together as a family in so long it was very very very nice of him to do so. Well better go.
thanks again. keep in touch
lisa

May 11, 2001
6:04 pm
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Molly
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At least you can talk and work things out. And some relief with the kids. Good for you. Celebrate.

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