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“MN to Michigan... Do you read me?!”
October 17, 2006
1:35 am
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ggfred4
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dang, i am going back and forth to too many threads and can't find anyone? frustrating...LL, can you go to anyone awake so I can stay in one place...sure could use you

October 17, 2006
1:36 am
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lovinglife
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yes, she is sounding better. Amazing how when we start talking about our issues, it helps us as well as how when we give each other encouragment and support it gets us going towards healing/recovery. During this last few months I've seen (read) that happening too many. I remember my first days, oh boy...do you feel like you've changed alot?

October 17, 2006
1:37 am
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lovinglife
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heading on over - you read my mind GG!

October 17, 2006
1:44 am
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ggfred4
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LL, i am needing you good buddy...

October 17, 2006
1:45 am
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lovinglife
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ok - where the heck our we tonight?! ...head back over to the who's awake thread...I'm on my way

October 17, 2006
10:07 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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LL, GG,

Are either of you around?

October 17, 2006
10:14 am
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lovinglife
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I am here Mich - just wakin up. Do you have the coffee on?

October 17, 2006
10:15 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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Not in this house LL. lol We start diet coke at about 7 am. And that is it for morning beverages for me.

October 17, 2006
10:16 am
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lovinglife
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I think I'm going to make a pot - this am is going to be one of those am that I drag- weather like this rainy (and what happend to the snow here?!) makes me feel sleepy, makes me want to just curl up in bed and go to sleep : )

October 17, 2006
10:18 am
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ggfred4
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Hey you guys, I am checking in quick during work, can't talk, but laughed at the diet coke... I start my day with one and drink way too many.

LL, what you wrote me was phenonmenal. Getting ready to print it out and am putting it in my coda book.

THANKS SO MUCH...NEEDED IT...GG

October 17, 2006
10:18 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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That would be nice, no doubt about it I could use some more sleep. Maybe it would help my mood a little bit. And I am sure that physically it would help right now.

October 17, 2006
10:19 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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GG,

Do hope your day is going well, or at least better than mine. It has been a few days from hell. I hope you are doing better today. Sorry that I missed you last night. I felt bad that I could not be there for you.

(((GG)))

Love as always,

Scared

October 17, 2006
10:21 am
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lovinglife
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Must be a mid-western thing as I drink diet dew first thing in the am. Not too much of a coffee drinker myself - only on days I need a little extra kick and on days I want to feel warm inside. This am is one of those days!!

Did you have a good night last night? My little 5 yr old friend went home about 8:30- probaly why I feel so drained ; ) ...he has a way of keeping me going. It is so different all these yrs later to spend time with a little one, probably because I know that he is going home, but I just enjoy the heck out of him. When my sons were young I was too stressed, too tired, just too-too everything, that I couldn't just relax and enjoy being a mother.

October 17, 2006
10:25 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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I understand that all together. I didn't get too much sleep. But I sat in the bath tub for 2 hours. I only had to put more hot water in three times. I NEVER do that. But I read through chapter 6 in "codependency No More". I am a mess. Good God, I am a mess. If I didn't think so before last night I would now. It scared me to think about how many of those characterstics that I have.

October 17, 2006
10:33 am
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lovinglife
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guess it's not a midwest thing - oh no you too GG! Some people like their coffee for the kick others like their pop.

Mich I know how tired you must feel - first just being a mother to young ones in itself is draaaiiiiinnning, do you ever get much sleep?! I remember all too well when mine were young, never thought I'd see the day I'd finally get to sleep as well as finally look half way like a women again - for yrs I didn't too do much with my appearance- kinda lost myself for awhile.

Do you ever get much of a relief from just being a mom? Though I guess even if it is a couple of hours here and there - it’s really not a relief because it would take like a month to rejuvenate!! Oh the joys of motherhood : ) I really did love it, never thought I’d see the day when my sons finally grew up and standing in one piece – them not me though! When my son turned 21 he called me and said, “Hey can you believe I made it to 21, you always said I’d be lucky to make it to 10!!” I had 3 sons- and they were little turds.

October 17, 2006
10:39 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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Mine are all turds...Except the baby and I am sure his siblings will corrupt him too. THe pre-puberty thing with my oldest is way more than I am capable of dealing with. She has an attitude from hell. She is 9 going on 25. She told me the other day that "this growing up thing, isn't near as much fun as I thought it was gonna be." I had to laugh. She has a big enough chest at 9 that a bra is not an option, she is getting pimples, and SHE ALREADY HAS PUBIC HAIR. For the love of God, she is not quite 10. I am so not ready for this. And I have another girl to go through it with again in a few more years. Heaven help me.

October 17, 2006
10:42 am
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lovinglife
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oh my gosh - I used to do that too - the long bath thing - that was my escape AND painting my toe nails too. Those two things were my outlet, were my time.

Reading is good, reading is where we start to find answers, to educate ourselves, oh my you're bringing another memory up for me- that was another HUGE outlet, HUGE way I connected really with the world (exH kept me sheltered). Today I have a HUUUGGGEEE collection of books, infact I had a book shelf made to run above (the window sill) and along the perimeter of my office to hold and display my yrs of collecting and reading. I must have it all - but no fiction - not a one in the bunch.

It can be overwhelming or what is another word for it here to describe what the feeling when we start gaining knowledge on ourselves?? Shocking, shell-shock, hmmmmmm, but I can relate ( a little more coffee and my brain will start kicking in). I jsut went through a *revelation* of sorts recently when I started attending Al-Anon meetings - only this time I went numb not so much overwhelming in feelings, just numb like "Yeah, that's me..."

October 17, 2006
10:46 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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I am starting to think that Al Anon meetings wouldn't be an all bad idea for me.

Hey, I want to try to show you the email that my psychologist esnt me last night. Is that ok with you? I want you to see how sweet he is. I will just cut and paste parts of it, for you to read. Is that ok?

October 17, 2006
10:49 am
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lovinglife
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you have a daughter - yikes ! oh my, you have 2 daughters. Mich, you do relaize that they turn into one of us!! Oh lordy - those teenage girls. I know why I was given sons, because I think it would have been hard when the teen yrs started with the attitude like most of us women have (get!)...my sons were hell on wheels growing up but once the teen yrs approach they like matured, grew up and I was in heaven! I have a friend who has 4 daughters and never a quiet moment in the house. always felt so sorry for her husband and her youngest (her son)... How old are your children?

October 17, 2006
10:51 am
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lovinglife
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you bet about the emaill and we can talk more about Al-Anon later.... (didn't think with just one person it could get confusing as well, did ya?!) I can jump from topic to topic so we will you need you here to re-direct me : )

Ok, the email.

October 17, 2006
10:52 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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My oldest daughter will be 10 next month, my next one is a five year old boy, then I have a three year old daughter, and an 11 week old baby boy.

October 17, 2006
10:53 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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WOW! Thank you for trusting me with your nightmarish history, and I
know that you have taken a huge risk through your pain. I have read
all that you have shared, and it is so helpful to me to get a picture
of how you got to where you are, and why you are feeling what you are
feeling. It makes perfect sense to me after my years of working with
children who were trashed. You get trashed, you feel like trash. I
have confidence in myself and feel that I can communicate with the real
Mandy as we go on. I am not Blown Away by what you have chronicled,
and your victimization has nearly taken your life. You continue to
blame yourself for conscious choices to a degree (and we will talk
about that), and you have not fully come to realize that those who have
such experiences as you, most often are helpless to help themselves
even when they are Big People because they remain Little Vulnerable
Kids. (We can talk about this too.)
I want us to get together soon. When is a good time to call you? I
can feel your pain to a degree. I used to have a sign in my office
(forgive me if I repeat myself) that read, "May We Be So Close, That
When One Of Us Cries, The Other Tastes Salt". I am tasting salt,
Mandy. I think you sense that.
You are very bright. You have a great mind. Your writing is
extremely good. Your means of expressing yourself is well beyond most
people's ability. You do have one foot nailed to the floor but you did
not drive that nail in, I believe that I have a hellovalot of tools to
see if we can free that foot. (Let's see, pry bars, crow bars, putty
knives, "Come Alongs", and many, many more.
Animals in traps whose passion and determination is to survive, might
chew off the foot in the trap. I don't think that will be necessary
for you to reach new levels of hope and freedom. You must think I am
looney, but, saddle up and ride along with me for a few miles, and we
will see what we can accomplish together. In time, I may know you
better than you do.

October 17, 2006
10:55 am
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ScaredinMichigan
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That was what he wrote after I emailed him all of my past that I have here inlibs. Here was the first time that I EVER told ANYONE what I had been through and have never told anyone since. I like it that way. I don't want people to know my past. Not like that.

October 17, 2006
10:56 am
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lovinglife
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your hands are full. oh for cute, you have an every other gender thing going on... someone was watching out for you Mich...here I was thinking that your daugthers {aaah don't know what that is like 🙁 } were back to back in age. You will have a breather in there with your son- just in time for the next daughter to become - a WOMAN!! We are such beautiful creatures, us women, really we are : )

October 17, 2006
10:57 am
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lovinglife
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ok I'm going to read the email...wa typing when you posted...brb.

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